Leaderboard

I visited my parents this weekend (Easter). Having broken the glass of the narcissistic abuse, standing on the other side looking back at the whole thing was interesting, sad and still very frustrating. "We weren't very good parents" actually slipped out of my mothers mouth during dinner. She has bad hearing which is very suitable for her. There is almost no way to speak to her without yelling, which eliminates the possibility of talking about anything personal. Of course she refuses to get a hearing aid. It's also a great way for her to shame me for mumbling or any other derogative statement about the way I speak. It is impossible to be assertive around my mother. The only allowed way of relating to her is to be an inanimate object. Anything beyond an infant is corrected, shamed, ignored and belittled. Anything beyond the infant is a threat to her. There is no understanding of the pain, suffering and the work I have had to go through to be who I am today. On the contrary, she sees it as an offence. Like her way of raising me wasn't good enough. Newsflash: It wasn't. Politics came up. She doesn't understand that she isn't objective in her reasoning. She was constantly defending her view that "there is no way of really knowing anything", which allowes her to have any opinion that suits her. Of course she is completely unaware of this. Anything I would say that challenges her view, she replied with "You're so mean!". So her need to see me as a nothing-knowing, opinion-less, wanting-less infant is paramount. How can you be a son to a mother like that? There is nothing of me that is welcome. At the same time she insists that I visit more often. She even said that I should move there. The gap of understanding between her wants and needs and my wants and needs are undescribable. She needs me to be something that I no longer am. That something lived in my body my whole childhood and many more years. She doesn't see anything but that thing, the deeply codependent infant. She hates and fears anything but that. The panicattacks. When I started my last job 3 years ago, I was starting to have panicattacks. The emerging emotions of being around people that were suppressed until then. A start of the eroding of the codependent false self I have been acting out around other people all those years. Becoming your true self isn't a smooth pretty enlightenment. It's a rough, dysfunctional, broken alternative accident. Maybe it will make you sane, maybe it will kill you. My dad. He was happy to see me. He had a stroke in 2001. He can hardly walk anymore. He is almost in a zombie-state. Can hardly form a sentence. I could tell he became upset with me because I got in to arguments with mom and that I got frustrated with his lack of attempts at actually communicating with me. They both just want everything to be nice and "as it used to be". The fact that I have suffered all those years exactly because of that, they just put out of their minds. We were going through old photos and found a photo of me as a 11 year old. My sister called and I could hear how mom said that I was "happy old me" in that photo. Just smile and get abused! We don't want you to wake up, just smile! Just reflect back that all I do is fine! My childhood was a bodycast of razorblades. Just lie perfectly still and you will be ok.

I've recently moved to Edmonton (just under a month ago) and I don't know anyone in this city outside of work. It'd be nice to get in touch with some of you who are from here. Any kind of friendship would be nice, whether you're up for the occasional Skype chat, gaming, a meal/coffee every now and then. I did look for a free domain radio meetup group on Facebook, didn't find anything. If there's anything going on, please do let me know. Thanks!

Hi. I can relate to your history since my mother is similar in some ways. One thing to remember is that you dont need to visit or call her. You dont even have to explain yourself. If she asks you(you dont need to give her that option), you can respond that you just dont feel like it. Treat her as any other person who would treat you like this. You are now adult and you dont need to play by her rules anymore, since now every relationship is voluntary, including parental. Good to have some kind of ears to hear you at the same time, i hear that you have it. I know that if I dont have proper support and healthy lifestyle habits I can go back to my coping mechanisms. If I have support I am less likely to fall of the wagon. Stay strong.

Well, that's quite sad to hear :(. This is truly an end of an era. I say that because actually, all the alternative chats don't quite the inclusiveness that draws in the new blood to create the community it became. A Discord chat, which I've heard numerous suggestions for, would honestly just attract a very narrow demographic. It would not attract the 'passers-bys', who can just drop in within two clicks. These are people who are retreating to some niche corner of the internet, these aren't people selecting one of several channels for the intent sake of making use of some trendy VoIP application. On the chat, I've seen: People's deepest neuroses People's realisation of their hopes People's realisation of their regrets People meeting up People getting married People losing touch. People abandoning statism and embracing anarchism, championing libertarianism People abandoning anarchism and embracing statism, championing the alt-right People naively encountering @Tundra with an ethics debate, with great pandemonium. Good times. And perhaps for the time being we will use the prop-up chat @CaveWoman posted here, and perhaps I will make an effort posting here for the sake of touching base with the community that raised me for quite a long while.

In the interview, I think you got "triggered." The difficult situation brought up emotions, potentially from your past. The triggering often leads to, what I call, "self-soothing" behaviours. These are repetitious behaviours to help cool you down. These behaviours may or may not have worked for you in the past. I am kind of relating to your situation as to what has happened to me, in these types of situations. I have mentioned this to others. But, I generally write down social situations, which have triggered me, on paper. This helps me get rid of the emotional charge. It may work for you. Beating yourself up, after a difficult situation, is definitely not the way to go. Counselling can also strengthen your resistance to being triggered.

Hypocracy, nihilism and child abuse. All 3 substitude YOUR emotions and experiences as PHYSICS and as Universality.

I disagree because it does not account for the instance when said ideologues are right. The root of evil is hypocrisy, making others follow a set of rules you are exempt from. Those who steal do not want property stolen from them, those who rape do not want to get raped, and those who murder do not want to get murdered. If ethics and morality are universal then any rules that are not universal stand in defiance of them.

I am in no way qualified to talk about your history, and I don't doubt that the "free" mental health services of sweeden are garbage. However, as a fellow music lover and aspiring musician, I can sympathize with the music and career angle. I played gigs for years through my late teens and early 20s, and wanted nothing more than to "make it big" and be respected as an artist. Now, about your post. You're 44 years old. So you're old enough to be seen as an authority figure in a teaching environment. Have you considered giving music lessons, or starting a youtube channel where you advertise remote Skype lessons? If you have knowledge of instruments you can make some money finding used instruments for a good price, cleaning em up and re-selling them. There's still a lot you can do in the musical arts for some cash. Hell, one of my favorite guitarist was a Swedish dude who sold his own musical cover versions online. Will you ever make it big and be in a boy band? Probably not, but I don't see why you're depressed about not becoming a "musician." That's ridiculous anyway. If you can play an instrument well you're by default a musician... At 44 years old you're about 4 years away from a complete re-brand. At 48 you could have a new career and be doing something else if you don't like it, and since the time is ticking, if music isn't your choice then stop standing in the fire and jump the hell out of it into something new. Do music on the side as a relaxation crutch/hobbie and start making your life what you want it to be.

chat users now feel like we bought out tickets from united airlines...and they decided they need the seats for something else :-(