Burn Giordano

So its settled, all attempts to make amends or right things at this house have failed, or blown up. I'm leaving, heading to a salvation army shelter for a month to figure which to do next. Throwing myself into life as it were, one of the better ways to learn it. I've ambitions which i'm feeding through learning and studying, both which are now enjoyable, and leaving is going to enable this further. A little nerving at times but it feels right and critical for genuine growth.

well, maybe i write too much lol.. but things are moving in a good direction. Leaving the house soon as possible through welfare, need maybe a month, 2 would be too much. Have an opportunity on the 5th. Honestly couldn't or havent felt better my whole life. Seeing the people around you for how toxic they are can simplify things greatly. The first dream on the golf course was my family mocking, insulting, and laughing at me. Not an issue anymore. Found the people i need and value in my life.

Well, been an interesting past while. My character is shifting a little more into something, i feel like i'm trying to embody my words and langugage. A little more whole. I'm not sure what to make of it, but i feel stronger. A decent boost in confidence or sense of self, and people are looking at me a little differently which is well, whatever. I wouldn't know how to get started with explaining it. Very enlightening, very opening, and i know if i stick with it, everthing will be alright. Any fucking thing can be tackled in some respect or regard, and oh man do we get caught on some simple shit. It's very ironic, they took the internet away from me, that this would do anything. No.. I've been alone to myself and my thoughts for a very long time, for years, working shit out exploring differen things. They took away the sole thing thats been enabling me get and maintain whatever sanity i got? In all this? They think that by doing this after all these years think that this will change anything? No, it set me off, cause they cut me off while i was in the middle of trying to write something, something i see and experience as palpably valuable. Or they cut me off in my attempt to find something valuable. In the face of that, and the shit they said i went off, and that managed to kick a few bolts loose. It's a shame that things can take the direction they do. All great decent things start in a crud form, this was mine.

So, got into a big argument today with the family, ended up on the street for the day.. Is there really nothing to come from everything? It's possible, that does happen. People build or work on things all the time, and they can and have completely fallen apart. Many times, great things or small. Things with form or psychological things. Only the things which adapt seem to get somewhere. I try pretty persistently to learn new things, pursue new things, be inspired by new things in an open manner, so to best shape to the world as it is. I can do all this, but i can't find place for it? It's difficult, like too many things happening at once, but I can't believe that in the end. This is the only thing i've got and it's shaped me into all i have, as life shapes anything. Like seriously.. i don't know what people go to for warmth in this situation, but I walked halfway through town in january in a jacket with nothing but a hot coffee straight to the fucking library is what i did.. I walked by a church, walked by a bar, but walked to the library. Is that who i am? I don't know what that means. I feel like i'm suffering or being punished for this. I feel no guilt or shame, just.. i don't know. I feel in a mental null state. A state of mind fitting for when your in the middle of nowhere i guess. So i'll do what i've always done. Look around, learn. Motivated not by belief, but in a very liquid way from what i learn. Least i think i'm trying to. Really don't know what to do with myself or this situation. Inevitably heading back to the house because i have meds for asthma to take... rarely does anything come from going back, and is a waste it seems at the moment. There are a few options but i don't know. I need to meet up with that guy tomorrow, nobodies home, should i get my things and stay out one night? plug into a wall somewhere and read that book he wanted me to finish? I dont' know. Like for a moment i felt on fire about life, very clear and set, but then when i got to the street all i hit and see is nothing but a very cold and wet, damp, january day. How fucking shit this is. Don't know what to do, don't know what to think.

So i'm making slow gradual changes. I don't know of any real guide to learning, improving or changing something. it essentially just looks like winging it and making a few things for convenience along the way. Just raw non-stop unspecific persistence is the only thing i really have, so i'm trying to work with a few nuggets.. like the "6 nearest people to you is likely going to signify your future" thing, is a good hint of gradual and healthy changes. I'd be shocked if i didn't have something some community wouldn't want. Like that that random marketing guy i met through in an add, who i then met in a cafe, who i've been meeting regularely. It's kind of amusing because hes a business man with christian values. I try to avoid religious language if i can because there are means which are far more better, and far more possible avenues to going about life, but here i am talking to this guy lmao... and i'm entirely prepared for the possible let down that could come, that he'll try and get to me sell appliances or something door to door lol. Hasn't really described what the business is. just repeats the words trust, heart, and connect. Interesting, well i can certainly do that.. lets see how we both understand or interpret these things lmao.. A christian view of Heart, Connection, and Trust? mm, probably cherrypicking a bit. Also got into a discussion with a flat earther, that was interesting :\

Nevermind it was just because i wasn't rested. Over 3 days, between the first 2 days i slept 1 1/2 hours, then slept 2 hours between day 2-3. This morning i slept from 12 pm to 5 and feel really rested lol.. Crazy how lack of rest can affect your view apparently. But ya, i do need to get with people more. Maybe by avoiding the issue i am preserving something :\

hmm, guess theres no other way to look at it, or any other way to go about it. Thats quite annoying, havent slept well though. I'm kind of split between thanking you and the previous arguement. Thanking you is the appropriate and right thing to do, but then i'm confused. I don't know what happened to all that stuff i was saying before.

Non at the moment, i wouldn't know what to look for. Like.. 'Therapist' doesn't exist to me, other people do, so what would i be wanting from someone?.. Feels weird, and wrong really. I've always had issues expressing myself, and if i do it to a person it feels like i'm bringing them into my own hell. That doesn't feel right, why would i want this for another person? Or to be coddled by another person? I've essentially been coddled my whole life? I don't know, it's a greatly embarrasing situation. Whats good though is some of that wall or inability to be open and discuss is dissolving, though it's having good and bad effects. Like trying to form a decent place for birth in a warzone or shit environment isn't the easiest fucking thing.. or if everybody is a cunt about golf. I think i just need to start working or something, i just feel a lot of hate with it. The way society operates at the moment feels like it relentlessly tries to shape or break you, and everyone is a culprit to some extent. I don't know where to draw the line of resistance. I'm probably paranoid of adjusting or aclimating to something i really shouldn't. Being limited some way without knowing it, like so many of us neurotic as we are ever, going on about something.. it's an ironic view considering my current situation, but then i'm not limited here in a sense. I just don't know what to do with it. Think iI need to exercise forsight more, that might be more motivating.. Very hard to get myself moving. Feels like plugging into the tides of the times and trying to make something out of it. I can't look at living as a simple thing, and anytime i make an effort in life it always comes back to this feeling. We are demeaning yet depraved of good substance, sounds like bullshit to say but fuck it, somebodies got to say it. The buildings are on fire and people are confusing it for warmth. I feel like shouting to wake people up, but it doesn't work like that. Just like reason, just like the word. Thats amusing to write at least. Not only that but i don't always feel access to myself. It comes and goes and for a long time felt out of my control, and i've stayed up too many long nights trying to get it. I have a numbness or a disassociation where i become hallow and operate impulsively. I havent found the magic mixture to constantly be on, and i've not much hope it's in this current system. Things would be different if it was. Like i was up all night, it's 7:27 now, and i'm probably going to be soon, or sometime before 12 seems to be the habit. Fuck this is shit.

damnit now the second post is gone what the hell, i'll try and rewrite it. The post was reacting to the idea of my mind being the Super Computer which i don't know how to look at. Feels like a dodgy idea besides the familiarity in feeling ya.. i really don't know what to do with intelligence. Is it intelligence that i abandoned?.. Did i figure it out or make it work and then abandon it?.. fuck.. But ya.. I tried to meet with a random person on kijiji based on this add http://www.kijiji.ca/v-friendship-networking/barrie/developing-leaders-for-causes/1129080167?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true But ya, when i got back home my room felt like the workshop. It looked over used and out of place. This add though.. looked interesting. Seemed pretty vague and open to interpretation. Well, i had quite an interpretation, so i went to test it. Conversation was althought vague, definitely an interesting and sobering one. People are always a little gasp or taken back when talking to me, it's one of the main reasons i've stuck to things as i have for so long. My family doesn't give me the answer i need, people do. As it always is when i talk with other people where i find any of the things i value or find people who value the things i do. I almost want to look at family like society. You can start in whichever type of society or culture, but you are by no means (but psychologically maybe) bound to it, and a society or a people can be about as fractured and distant as any society can.

Then the supercompuer mind thing ya.. that occurred to me but sounds dodgy at best, or i dislike it for some reason. Which is funny, because the next few things i wanted to say are: The mind looks like a bunch of interchangable bits that come and go, where it's my job to see how the images of my mind coalesce with the world around me, simply that. Like just this morning i wrote, quickly and not decently formed "The adventures, or journey you go on to learn something is important, and is what develops good memory." not sure what to make of that, but i'm sure i could go into it and find a better function. What ever the fuck that means. I'd rewrite that statement to be : The journeys you go on to learn something is critical in forming good memory. Whatever the fk that is, sounds like something though don't it? funny i just posted a larger post before this one. It said something about having to be approved? it happened for the previous post i did, was why i posted 2 by accident. Will it post soon? Could mess up contexts if it goes in a different order, let alone the fact it'd be shitty because i wrote a decent amount for it.. not sure if there is a way to find it. There it is nice.

The idea of living unapologetically, but with reason, is something that becoming progressively appealing to me. It lessens the appearance of my own and others impacts.. We all start from ignorance, only makes sense some people trip up along the way learning things. Sometime they know a little, often they know nothing, and more rarely they'll know a lot. Everyone has the upper hand in something, a thing that ultimately shapes them and their views? I feel they are justified, but also feel the means of their action makes things more difficult or gums up the gears so to speak with stuff that isn't a part of the main issue, just something thats an offshoot. Too many chiefs fucking up a stew. So i feel between a rock and a hard place. I have the world as it appears before me, with years of interest in understanding it, then i have the world thats become peoples use of it.. often a bunch of thoughtless nonsense. Is it ok, really just their problem, and i feel alone because of this? uhh.. yes i think? That seems pretty on the mark or close, but i don't know if something is missing. Depending on the issue and how much hand or lack of hand i had in the thing. My standard approach is to be incredibly passive or non-participative?I don't like to start quibbles, but then i do love to discuss things, sooner trying to end them so things can change? but some people just don't register it? In cases like that it can be tricky to know if it's me or them, or both, so i usually just end it and walk away. Few seem to have a vested interest in understanding issue? or seeing what they are? or where they come from? I don't want to do that, i wanted pretty early on like around 13 to understand how things became what they are and i'm not sure i turned back. Lost though definitely. Do those around me get angry with me? constantly. But it's been that way for so long it's the only thing i expect from my family, so i impulsively over-regulate myself to manage it. Do i want to be myself and not feel responsible for how someone receives it? uhh, Yes and no.. I'd be waaay healthier if i could just be myself, and i try to picture an environment of what that might be like but i don't really know what that is. What i am or who i am use to and still does essentially non-stop upset people.. so i guess i could say i'm curious how someone receives it ya.. a lot depends on how they do. I think i can say i like reason, and a person can't really operate beyond what they come to learn or view and experience, so why would a person cap that or limit it? Like my mother, wall as she is, i got into a rare fight with her recently which seems to nudge a few things loose behind her thinking.. Which'll happen when people don't talk or share how they feel but still definitely are acting towards you differently for some reason they seem to be aware of or not. I learned through that fight she thought i hated woman. I don't. I hate unreasonable people, and love reasonable workable people. It's always like a catalyst to things. But she thought since i avoided her that the basis for my action was hating woman.. which reveals greatly how she doesn't listen. Especially how i used to go on about every other fucking thing besides someone being woman was the basis of their problems, ya.. she doesn't listen. That statement, insinuates myself?, as well as the rest of the last paragraph is probably one of the greater points, whatever to call them. Issue is i've hardly ever taken care of myself or my situation at this point, i've very rarely had that gumption. It always seems your forced to forfeit some measure of control, control i don't know how to operate in myself, it makes depending on myself because i seem to fluxuate so much. I don't like walking around turning a blind eye everytime something gets difficult, but then still there are haha.. massive piles of shit everywhere. Fucking mountains at times. Vanity, or absense of that shit word faith, has been a very concrete and repeating experience in my life, without fail.. That there are some things or issues so large or blatantly neglected, well your little affect on the world around you likely isn't going to have an impact.. well, if theres a template to my earlier life it would be that. People have been trying for years, and there have certainly been people more passionate than myself around.. i don't know what to say with that image.

If there was a thing i gave up on it would be communicating. Both with my father and my mother i had a blatant points i crossed when i recognised i couldn't communicate with them. Father was easy, question or talk back even slightly and he would enter this pissed rage state where he would just build progressively more angry until hes shouting loud as he can in your face. No effort to console seemed to slow him down. Not the greatest thing to do to a child no.. or around one frequently for that fact, nor your wife. Tried a few time to talk to him over the years, made an effort to understand quite a few things and certainly was more reasonable than your average person, but still always the same result. Regardless of the effort or approach i tried or apparently how open i was that sad shallow cunt of a human being would always end up him loosing his shit. Could never console could never slow him down. I stole a bunch of his bush cigars and alcohol on those trips. My mother i could just call her an unpenetrable wall that freaks out every now and then. Loaded with anxiety and panicky, simple. It's strange because we used to have great conversations i thought, but at one point when i started trying to reply i just noticed myself saying ya, ya, ya. To everything. And i was like wait, do you notice i'm only saying ya? .. theres more to her but i can't seem to recall atm. This morning i thought about something else though. I have had a warm motherly feeling though that i can't identify with my mom, and thing is that my mother and father came together and split up multiple times. Between these split ups, i would go and move between them. I have 2 sisters, they stayed with my mother, and i would switch back and forth between the sides. Something would always force me to go to the other, just hussled around. When i was at my fathers, since he was a workaholic, was never home when i would go and stay with him. (he did do some astounding fatherly things for a kid that i greatly respect him for, but the state of the family and his own lunacy was too much. Can't play love and hate at the same time). So i'd end up staying with somebody in the neighbourhood. Just me and some random folk for a few months and at school i've never been to. I had to go between many schools for how fucked i behaved. Not aggressive, just soullessly passive, thoughtless, impulsive and disassociative. Good mix to start a career in depression ya, or some flip flopping mood and sense of self. But ya the warm motherly feeling i think is from the woman i stayed with, she was far calmer than my mother when approached. She and her husband, although they had difficulties, discussed things out. He was a gritty but kind of 1/4 star rad guy. They had 3 other kids. I don't know, throughout childhood to like 15, anytime i saw 2 people working things out, it stood out in value far more to me than the psychotic lunacy in my own home. And i was just sitting there looking at it, pointing "hey guys, uhh, have you tried that?". I don't understand why more people don't do that. If there is a thing that is bad, it is bad because it needs to be addressed, and to fix anything you need to understand what is wrong and how it became wrong. So to prevent it from happening again. Not evade and give it space to grow. If i write too much tell me, i'll trim it more. Just using this page to go over things.

double post

-"Especially when you are as deep in shit (pardon the pun) as you describe" ya i quite had to resists saying it lol.. -"But the only way I know of is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take one step and then another and then another. " This is actually a view thats been stewing in my mind. Issue is i don't know a step when i see it. Work can be really depressing, i don't like to be as passive as most and thrive in places where people have either a basic or decent level of attentino. i would often tred on ground i'm not suppose to :\, or seemed to at least. Actually this kind of reminds me of my father. Fritz Perls described something called the top dog underdog split, where (if i'm recalling it correctly) the top dog is self-righteous or critical of a sorts, constantly going over how things could've been better done. The underdog is lazy or slacking, constantly putting off of sorts. To me the top dog seemed like how a parent was acting towards a child, acting as a sort of electric fence. If the fence is built around too many things, or that shock too strong, then likely that top dog ego or whatever would be more exercised or sensitive, constantly be triggered by things. So what happens if the "fence" no longer exists around you anymore? Still one can feel that residue feeling as you try out the new waters so to speak. For some reason that water feels like a big unpredictable black body of water. Neither good or bad just whatever it is. -"I don't adhere to religious faith but there is a place for having faith" Ya, religion overused probably something common about being a person.. needs a new word. "The only alternative is to continue to look at the shit and do nothing" This is tricky, because i'm not entirely sure is my junk or someone elses. I know this is my life to manage, my life to sustain and make something of, but i've never really had the impulse to do that. Like i said i've lived with pain for a long time and has only really been the medium i've felt to life. The only time i don't have that is when i'm enjoying something, so i've become addicted to various things. I've started smoking and quite like 4 times, each time a few months. Currently not, but some days i've really felt for one. I had an alcoholic phase where i was drinking like 2-3 bottles of wine throughout the course of a day, but then i got nasty withdrawls. Now only drink sparingly.. because i've never felt so sick as when i had the withdrawls. The general feeling that i get, which makes things difficult can be large and overwhelming, which often does make me look crazy to others in the contortions i'm making to fit some vague unsatifying norm for others. Then that 3d paragraph is also similar to what i'm sort of doing, although i'm not sure i'm changing the right things. Little parts of my own behavior as i see them. It's tricky trying to know what a step is though, and i guess in lead to that i wouldn't really know what walking is. Though i am working it out tough as it is. The point of not mentally bashing is pretty critical. I definitely have that impulse and am learning to forgo it as an approach to things. You don't learn anything if you don't make efforts, and tripping is a part of that processm and oh boy do people trip up.. Maybe walking has no form, it's just how you come to understand tripping up? idk. That statement which would be fun to play with, so enjoying putting myself back together? Thats kind of clever and humbling. Woke up like a vegetabe today, this would be a good end to it. "Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help." Honestly just have some extra imput helps and i think you for that.

funny, makes me wonder if the more vivid a dream is that the odds are high that your actually in it.. Ya, it's a poor situation.