MarisaO

As far as a lack of women at FDR, I think the comments in this thread could tell you a lot about why women might not want to participate here. The belief that math skills and critical thinking are masculine is something that is offensive and unproven, as is the claim that women are more susceptible to conformity or whatever. Men conform to their gender roles just as frequently as women do. I haven't noticed a lack of women online. I do see a lot of sexual harassment and sexism in online comments such as YouTube, but I also see it in my own newsfeed on Facebook sometimes. That might have something to do with why some people aren't open about their gender online, which might make it seem like there aren't a lot of women online. That's just speculation, though. I don't know of the actual demographics.

I am so sorry to read what you're going through. It sounds like a very stressful and difficult situation. I think it makes sense to want to distance yourself from toxic family, but I would highly recommend trying to express how you feel about your family with a professional family therapist present. If your family refuses to go with you, I would still try and see someone individually. Your situation sounds very chaotic and you sound emotionally drained. I think a therapist will know how to help you 100 times better than anyone on this forum. I hope you find some peace soon.

I'm sorry my experience isn't more helpful. To be clear, I also have developed a few great friendships here and I still consider a couple of those friendships closer than any I've had before. As for repairing damaged relationships, that is obviously very tricky. For starters, there has to be a willingness to repair it on both sides - which I think has been missing on my end (although not consciously) having to do with my new FDR-enhanced worldview. I tried to reconnect with my brother about a year ago unsuccessfully because I had a requirement that he see things my way (which is why I brought up the agree to disagree thing). I was very sad and frustrated with this experience and it opened my mind up to the possiblity that I might need to broaden my perspective if I want to feel close to my brother again. I wanted to share this because what you posted resonated strongly with how I've felt at FDR. Of course, you need to trust your own thoughts and feelings on this and I appreciate your consideration.

Sorry for the delay in response. I wanted to take some time to think about the questions you asked and consider what might be useful/appropriate to share. I don't feel very comfortable sharing a lot of the details about the various conflicts I had with family and friends. I don't see the details as particularly relevant, because the changes I experienced affected all of my relationships the same, despite the fact that the issues were quite varried. That was the point I was trying to make with my previous post: that something changed in me after listening to a lot of FDR, which made it very difficult for me to relate and communicate with people outside this group. Not only was my relationship to people I knew different, but my relationship to strangers and people in general had changed. I was aware that this change had taken place, but I assumed I was changing for the better. After years of isolation, however, and after many of the relationships I tried to make within FDR failed, I began to question whether or not these changes were really benefiting me. I looked back at my past life, easily socializing with most people, and I really missed that part of me. When I got back in touch with that part of myself, I remembered all the fun and support I got from many people I'd rejected. I rediscovered why those people were valuable in my life prior to FDR. When I defood, I felt very hurt and angry. I felt unappreciated and I think a lot of those feelings were genuine, but in retrospect, it seems like those feelings nearly took over my entire experience of relationships. Without realizing it, my perspective of the world became very black and white. I could see very little good in others, while maintaining that people who shared my values (people in FDR), were mostly good and worth getting to know. Over time (nearly four years), I realized that this black and white perspective didn't actually fit reality. My idealization of people within FDR was the first to go, and more than a year later, my demonization of the outside world finally faded. For sure, the relationships I've reconnected are not perfect. I can say that most of the important unresolved conflicts have been addressed, but there are still a few things that I'm not sure how or when to bring up. Fortunately, my family and most friends were very understanding when I reconnected. My family was very apologetic that we were in a place that defooing felt right for me. My mom explicitly apologized (unprompted) for being so controlling and not encouraging me to be myself growing up. I also discovered how completely solid a few of my discarded friendships were. They jumped at the chance to love and support me again. I think there was some fear in me that my integrity would be compromised by reconnecting with these people. I think this idea came from Stef, who I remember saying something along the lines of, "It's not very honorable to have statists and religious people as friends and family." I also may have been a little trapped by the problems portrayed here with "agreeing to disagree" - something I believe we briefly discussed on Facebook, Benjamin. I am still an honorable and respectable anarchist and an atheist, and can openly share my ideas with anyone I choose. However, I have let go of the idea that others are only respectable if they end up agreeing with my worldview. I hope this is helpful. Let me know if you have any other questions.

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling, Benjamin. I noticed that after becoming invested in FDR and separating myself from friends and family, I had a very hard time making satisfying connections with people outside of this community. The more I think about it, though, it seems like my difficulty in building new relationships and breaking with family and friends was a result of the same kind of perspective shift that happened when I started listening to a lot of Stef's podcasts and reading On Truth. Stef has a lot of compelling arguments for making the choices he's made and I remember being convinced that most people on this planet, including those who were closest to me, are corrupt and fundamentally unwilling to change. I suppose there's the hope that new people wont be as defended because they don't have to own up to any damage they've done to us already, but like I wrote above, there's reason to believe everyone is going to be defensive because they all have their own families to protect. I'm not really sure what the solution to this problem is. Personally, I've had some success reaching back out to friends and family and trying to figure those relationships out a little better. I think I got a little too caught up in Stef's catch phrase, "Everybody knows everything" and didn't give myself or important people in my life the opportunity to work out our grievances. I suffered a lot because of this and so did they. I'm not totally sure about this, but it seems reasonable that I couldn't start new relationships because I didn't really understand what went wrong with the old ones. I guess I would encourage you to think about the relationships you broke from prior to FDR, especially if you can think of any that you once got a lot of enjoyment from. It might be helpful to try and pinpoint what changed in you and/or in that person that made the relationship intollerable, or simply not worth your time anymore. I'm not sure how helpful this is. I wish you all the luck in making satisfying connections. Having a support system is essential to success and happiness in life. I hope you'll keep us updated on what you decide to try and how it works out.

Got it. Thanks and good luck!

Thank you. Your help has been great. I'm already feeling better, better in fact than I have for a long time. Years have passed and I've not felt this way. For a moment I might say I was happy - unburdened - but I would not say it too loudly for fear the courage to grow might shrink and I would recoil from my reflection. I think things will improve now. I'm glad you feel so relieved, but I'm confused by this interaction. Does Stephen know more about your situation than has been posted? In particular, I don't understand Stephen's closing sentence about any effort you put in towards helping your parents or anyone who supports their position is hurting yourself. You said that your experience with your dad was very different, so I don't see what position they're united in that is so dangerous to you. Can you explain?

This. I didn't have a strong reaction to the post, but I didn't understand why Stef was acting like $2 was a problem when he continually asks for "spare change" and "anything you can spare". It seems like the donation amount was a problem he created for himself and the vague sad face comment made it look like he saw himself as a victim of something.

So sorry to hear you had this experience. Talking about childhood abuse with parents can be incredibly difficult. I really hope you can attempt to talk things out with her and a family therapist to help sort things out.

I don't understand how you can see Stef's response as reasonable or a simple laps in judgement and yet frame his critics as uncaring for not expressing curiosity. Could you explain? Also, how do you know that if people are idolizing Stef, then it has nothing to do with him? Thanks.

What is it about expressing your own feelings that causes people to 'express their own feelings'? My wording was a little unclear, thanks for pointing that out. I meant to say was mething more along the lines of how remarking on the nature of one's own internal emotional state, as in "I feel sad." causes people to respond with attacks: "You are a jerk for feeling sad." It says something that rather than questioning why someone may feel sad, they immediately pass judgement. People are not trying to say that Stef is a jerk for feeling sad. You're misrepresenting people's complaints as unreasonable, also known as a straw man argument. If you don't understand the reaction, that's one thing, but don't mischaracterize people's positions and then dismiss it as though you've made an argument.