thesmooter

Amazing show! Loved the honesty by both Stef and the caller. Wow! This one hit home for me as well. I was a hardcore christian for much of my life. I think there was some really great points and perhaps some missed opportunities for clarification. When Stef said; regarding the kids -"You got them in, you cannot leave (without them)". Was awesome. I couldn't agree more! However, I think the callers mental crossroads needed to be addressed more. To stay in the church means to continue to lie, or allow others to lie to your kids and that cannot be good! That did seem to be ok by Stef for pragmatic reasons. Could the guy slowly chip away and work within his family with extreme genteelness into realizing their error? I don't know. Another issue I thought was the comparing the best of moderate Christians VS statist atheists. While I agree most atheists are leftists I also have to agree they are way less likely to spank vs the christians. Christians love them some spankin! And they love the state too... As long as its used for imperialism and war. I do appreciate Stefs' honest acknowledgment of the family ethic that Christians hold and the sense of community. Obviously it was very emotional for both parties. I would love to hear Stef expand on this one.

I really appreciate everyone (almost everyone) who took the time to reply! We talked all day yesterday and made some tiny breakthroughs. She agreed to go to counseling which is huge! I'm going to try any get through on a call in show, I would love to hear Stefbots dissection! Tie polo- I certainly didn't post here to listen to an echo chaimber but drawing the conclusions you did without asking me further questions I found unhelpful and douchy. Using sarcasm the way you did (bitch, sacrificing animals, etc) IS uunempathetic. Not sure what motivated you to post that.

Not sure where to start but I am really stuck and could use some empathy and help from the board. I've never asked for empathy or what I need, so I type this in tears with trembling hands. After several years of self discovery, FDR, therapy and conversations with my wife. I have learned that I chose a truly non empathetic person as my partner. I discovered this slowly over the last few days and it frightens the shit out of me. Knowing what I know about the facts that people generally dont change and that we have a 1.5 yr old daughter, I feel extreme despair. Evidence has taught me that my wife is very unlikely to change. We also have a fantastic daughter and I don't want to give my daughter what I had; a broken home. That's the situation in a nutshell. Here is some further detail on my background and why I've come to those conclusions. Both my parents were alcoholics (both died in the last year because of alcohol related illness) and were married 3 times. There were abuse in any way you could imagine except sexual. My mom (who I lived with) was manipulative and only thought of herself. A quick story to let you get a picture: When I was in 2nd grade my dad dropped me off on a Sunday night (after a weekend at his house) to my moms house. He never got out of the car, just drove off. I walked into an dark, house and no one was home. I freaked out. I went nuts crying and screaming. I don't know for how long. I just know that I was hysterical. I do know that when my mom came home (with her latest husband) she beat the shit out of me. According to her it was because "I was hysterical and that was the only way to calm me down". Anyway, the next day I went to school. The teacher seeing the effects of the beating I wore asked me what happened. I replied "I was a bad boy". I honestly thought that I was a bad boy and deserved what I got. I called them spankings. In my family punching etc was spanking ( not that spanking is good either). I was interviewed by people in the school and I remember feeling very confused. Anyway, when I walked home from school later that day there was a police car in out driveway. My mom was being interviewed by a cop of some kind. As soon as she saw me she yelled. "Get in your room"! The worst part for me came later. That evening (and for the rest of my life) when she came inside and began to tell me how - I called the cops on her, and am responsible, how horrible I am ...eventually I was feeling sorry for her and felt guilty. That's one of many stories... My wife shows no empathy and probably anti-empathy in various ways. It most commonly is manifest when I talk about something important to me, the same subjects talked about here. Many times I will get a one word reply and or get the subject changed. Rarely, if ever do I get curiosity or an empathetic response. She honestly does not know me and appears perfectly ok with that. To give you an example of the lack of empathy, here is an example from last week: My birthday is this week and my wife told me she wanted to have a get together and asked for the phone number of some of my "friends". I don't have many friends and no "real" friends (I hate that I categorized that. ) and the "Friends" she mentioned i handnt seen in years. The whole thing sounded horrible. I told her that I preferred not to do a get together with friends. She asked why. In virtual tears, I made the mistake of explaining how I don't have any real friends and I don't get invited to "these friends" functions. I also explained how I would feel embarrassed to have these friends go to my birthday. It would be weird-- 1. Because there would be hardly anyone there. 2. Because I haven't talked to these guys in years 3. I don't get invited to their birthdays. Now this was very hard to say and I'm sure my wife saw that I was distraught. After saying all this she gave me a horrified look and just snapped "we'll what do you want to do then"? At that point I RTR'd and explained how hard it was for me to say that and that her reaction was brutal. At that point she said "How do you think I feel when you shoot down my idea"! And she told me how hurt she was.... It ended with me trying to stay in the RTR saying "I thought it was my birthday"? I had no idea of the parallels my wife and mother have till this morning. I read a post here about "How to know if my moms a narcissist". There were several examples given about how when you try to speak to these narcissist mothers about something that bothers you, they will change it and make it about them and how YOUR hurting them. It also mentioned that they will never remember situations that are crucial to your point. Therefore, they don't have to acknowlege any wrong doing. These really hit home. All the sudden I got the feeling that I was gonna barf. I saw qualities of them both. I had no clue. I thought I did. Thank you for reading. I know it was long.

Hi Daniel, Im in a very similar situation. I am seeing a therapist and working on these issues. Your comment about your wife Never having time to watch a video was exactly what I hear as well. Its so sad and frustrating. Lately i have been really consentrating on her and not pushing her but showing her and really listening. It seems to be helping. Ill keep you posted as we progress. I really wish you the best!

I can actually relate a lot to this email. I grew up with a controlling, racist, aggressive, critical mother. My get-away was guitar not internet. I imagine he feels trapped. I think the best shot for any sort of results would be through counseling. I wonder if the mom would be up for that. If his high school years are anything like mine, he will have to count the days till freedom and give her whatever concessions she requires. He just needs to remember that its not permanent.

Thanks everyone for sharing their experience with TV and parenting. We still have time till our daughter gets interested in TV but at this point we are going to go cable free and keep what we watch always something of value. We are not exactly sure on what the "time limits" will be yet. We hoping that if we "lead by example" as well as put a lot of effort into engaging her she will not become addicted, like so many kids are. My daughter is fascinated by watching me wash the dog. It usually involves me shooting the dog with a hose and scrubbing her with a car wash mitt. Its a comedy show for her plus I'm getting things "done".

My wife and I currently do not have a TV (but watch Netflix on computer/ipad) and are contemplating purchasing a TV. We have a 11 month old and are curious to see what other experiences are with the effects of TV on there children? We have agreed NOT to get cable so the only thing we would watch would be internet based. It seems to me that the commercials and marketing is one of the worst things about TV. Does limiting the time allowed to watch really work? Is it best just to remain TV-less? Would love some different perspectives and experiences.

I think you make a great point regarding "for her". At this point I see her interest as mine. I look at the alternative (daycare) and that is sounds like hell. The idea of being at work with my fingers crossed, hoping some paid employee treats my kid well just aint gonna work for me. Her mother took 3 months off when she was born and has since gone back to work 4 days a week (working 1 day from hm). Her mother has been taking care of the baby during the day and is fantastic with her. I don't really look at it as "role swapping". It's mostly trying to live as financially pragmatic, while giving our baby the best, loving, exceptional life as possible. We both hold the view that having a stranger take care of Lily is not an option.

Thanks Ruben! My job is certainly not my life's fulfillment. It a decent steady paycheck in rotten economy. Thats about it. I am a musician and have several ambitions, unfortunately they don't pay the bills.

I work for a high end auto dealership as a parts manager. Its not something that can be done at hope. The reason we work apart is that we live apart! LOL! When we met she lived at worked in San Diego and up in LA. Long story short, she was going to move here but her job made her an offer she couldn't refuse. We see each other on weekends and sometimes more. I completely agree with what your wrote above! Thanks-

Both my parents were married and divorced 3 times. They both worked full time. I dont remember how they treated each other because they got divorced when I was young. I know they would fight a lot on the phone. My relationship was not good by any measure, they were abusive, distant and dysfunctional. They are both alcoholics as well. Working was always more important than caring for a child.

Hey all you stay at home parents! I am about to embark on a new adventure and I was hoping for and advise and insight you might have. My wife and I have come to the conclusion that I should stay home with our 5mo old daughter. We are both currently working and making decent income and grandma has been taking care of Lily for the past 2 months during the workday. To make matters worse my wife has been working and living in San Diego and I have been working and living in Los Angeles, so I have only been able to see Lily on the weekends. I'm sure you can imagine, its been extremely difficult. If all goes as planned I will be settled in San Diego and staying at home with our daughter beginning May 1. Although I am really looking forward to this new chapter in my life, I have concerns that I may not feel as productive and useful. I am also concerned that although my wife agrees that this is the best, our relationship may be strained with the changes in our life and financial situation. I have been working my whole life and have worked my way up to the top of my field. Even though I know that this is the best thing for Lily and that I will look back at these times with fondness, I still get anxiety about stepping down. I would love to hear some feedback from experienced stay at home parents (especially dads). Any things I should be aware of? Recommedations? How do you keep from going stir crazy? Thanks in advance!