J. Robles

Hey Mrkuz I am sorry you’re going through such pain. I have to say it takes big balls not only for you to write this out for yourself, but also to put it on the web. I say to you sir, bravo. Not only that but your will to fight against that which has suffocated you from probably your childhood, the things you mentioned like anger, loneliness, lack of control, etc. I am interested in how you’re handling your situation. I have been able to understand my situation but haven’t been the best and expressing it myself. I know personally these past couple years felt like I have woken myself up from a comma and finally accepted the way things were in my life. I know I have a ways a way to get to where I want to be, but like you no matter the struggle it’s definitely better where I’m headed than where I was at. I can sympathize with what I guess what we might share in common. Having to put the mask of pretense to facilitate the empty vapid or parasitic whims of people that you ought to love and treasure because their your family but, they can treat you worse than people you come into contact with like friends, acquaintances, etc. I won’t prattle on how my situation is. What’s your situation like? Do you live with your family? What do you do to avoid these feelings; do you write like this or do something to keep you busy? And I know this last question might be a bit personal, but when was the moment where you said this to yourself for the first time, that you were not going to put up with the pretense anymore? You don’t have to answer anything if you don’t want to. I would understand. Anyways hope you’re feeling a bit better and doing better since the date you posted this.

Hey Mrkuz I am sorry you’re going through such pain. I have to say it takes big balls not only for you to write this out for yourself, but also to put it on the web. I say to you sir, bravo. Not only that but your will to fight against that which has suffocated you from probably your childhood, the things you mentioned like anger, loneliness, lack of control, etc. I am interested in how you’re handling your situation. I have been able to understand my situation but haven’t been the best and expressing it myself. I know personally these past couple years felt like I have woken myself up from a comma and finally accepted the way things were in my life. I know I have a ways a way to get to where I want to be, but like you no matter the struggle it’s definitely better where I’m headed than where I was at. I can sympathize with what I guess what we might share in common. Having to put the mask of pretense to facilitate the empty vapid or parasitic whims of people that you ought to love and treasure because their your family but, they can treat you worse than people you come into contact with like friends, acquaintances, etc. I won’t prattle on how my situation is. What’s your situation like? Do you live with your family? What do you do to avoid these feelings; do you write like this or do something to keep you busy? And I know this last question might be a bit personal, but when was the moment where you said this to yourself for the first time, that you were not going to put up with the pretense anymore? You don’t have to answer anything if you don’t want to. I would understand. Anyways hope you’re feeling a bit better and doing better since the date you posted this.

I haven't seen the documentary, but i did read a little of his bio in high school. After reading the accounts of sexual abuse as well as the physical abuse you listed above, i couldnt help feel bad for him. I mean theres no excuse for his actions and the harm he did to others no doubt. The only thing is that I felt like i understand, maybe, his reasoning for what he did. He had no sense of security or control throughout his childhood and being abused and raped, he saw that as a means to protect himself from his environment which at almost every turn in his life was against him. He exhibited the same behaviour to punish the world that royally messed him up, or to ensure he wouldnt be the victim again. I'll give the film a look over some time.

Hey Stephen, Tthanks again for the links. I'm sorry I have procrastinated so much in replying to your help. I start getting on a little roll with self-knowledge and trying to better myself, and then I instinctively delve back into the quagmire that was my inactivity. I hope I didn't offend you or anybody else that has been so helpful on this thread. I feel like a junkie wanting more crack and isolating myself from this community and people around me and it really helps to having people as yourself and Ribuck that are kind and helpful. I ended up purchasing the Illustratyed Workbook for Self-Therapy for Your Inner Critic, Polarization between "Take Your Time" and "Do it Now Parts", and also Taking Action from the personal growth programs link you sent me. I read around and liked what I saw from the site so hopefully the resources will be helpful. I also wanted to ask how you are doing? I know from the last message your were doing alright and i was hoping your still bringing smiles to people. Anwyas drop me a line if or whenever you have the chance. I was wanting to ask you what resources you have used from the personal growth programs. Anyways hope your doing well. Juan

Thanks for the clarification N, and yes I did copy and paste it from Word. I tried copying with the plain text option so hopefully it works well. That's good that your relationship with them has improved since you have been honest with them. I'm glad you had to kind and rational parents to be open to. You parents sound like good people. Oh ok, any hopes of what you would like to do or something you might have found as a possibility? I'll have to take a look at that podcast when it comes out. I know that today i heard a bit of Sunday's "Should We Ban Spanking" show and at around the minute mark there as a viewer call about decision making and procrastination that was pretty good. It made me think about how I have tip toed around the problem after I realized it. To me at least it was like I couldn’t help but internally criticize the guy, then midst criticizing realize oh ya, you have been and are that guy, you’re a bit of a hypocrite and coward for thinking that way. But that part of the podcast is definitely worth giving a listen to if you have the time. I don’t know if it’ll directly apply to your situation but it’s worth giving a shot. I know that keeping a journal /planner on me and trying to stick to a schedule has helped me a bit so I don’t know that is something you have tried, or might be willing to try. Are there specific things in regards to procrastination that you are looking forward to working on?

Hey Stephen, Thanks for sending me the links to resources to help me deal with everything. I have been busy, at times, and procastinated the rest to research the links, but today I will look at least at one of them, and give you a response by tomorrow. I hope your doing well and not freezing to bad up there. Juan

Hola Steve, Thank you for your kind words, and your analysis of the posts on this thread. I have to say that honestly I didn’t really expect so many people to not only respond to this thread, but be extremely helpful and courteous as well. I am pretty grateful. I have to say I think your description of the self-feeding cycle is spot on. I think that the trail head of shame was the inability of choice as a child growing up, and that feeling of being inept in daily activities and being treated like a pet. I think this sentiment created the tension to desire to be dissociated with life with media because its instant gratification or at least filler to avoid the emptiness. Now that I have tried to be consistent with introspection, especially amidst media consumption or other void filling behavior, the shame eats at me like a lion at a carcass. And that vicious gnawing reinforces the self-attack that I regard myself in such a disrespectful way. I appreciate your sympathy, Steve. I really have to say thank you for personally divulging such personal information. I know that that can be tough, but your post has been extremely helpful in my own benefit and for that, I thank you. So with so many movies under your belt, what are some of your favorites? Also I’m sorry that you had to experience probably such tightrope walking with your parents to handle their moods and vitriol, and that you used movies as an escape. I know my mom for the most part fits that shoe pretty well and it can be, exhausting and depressing at times. Is that something similar that you might have experienced. And what are some things, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, that you have done to help with the self-judgment? I have wanted to see a therapist, however the two times I did see one I wasn’t honest and completely open. Plus I didn’t like that neither one of them gave me structure of what is to be expected, what the process would be like. I ended up just shooting the shit with them until I realized I was wasting my money. Do you have any recommendations or advice in regards to therapists? Thank you for telling your experience. It has been greatly beneficial to me and probably others. It has been a great help to me. I’m glad that this post help connect you with parts of your own life. And I hope you day, days get better. I would like to hear how they are. Thanks again, Juan

Hey Nchambers42, Was that what it was, I'll use Google chrome. I saw that afew times but I didn't know why it was coming up and for that I appreciate youtelling me. Although being born in the 90's I am barely computer literate. That’s great that you have been able to be open to them, andthat you can breathe easy. Do you guys still have a good relationship, and whatwas it like for you whenever you became open with them. Were you nervous,anxious, or relieved? Oh and if you don't want to talk about it i understand, Iknow tempers can flare with that kind of thing. That's good you’re getting out and not having to bemiserable in that environment. Do you know what you’re going to try to do whenyou get out in April? Thanks for the advice and honesty Nchambers, I appreciateit. Juan

Hey Stephen, Sorry it’s taken me a few days to reply, I just got accessto a computer with internet ha. So thanks for your response Stephen. I’m goingto have to check out the personal growth program. If not now probably duringthe week whenever I get my laptop back. Have you used the website before? I actually meant Sybil, the movie with Sally field about thegirl with multiple personality disorder. It’s a really well made movie, howeverit’s a bit depressing so watch it in a decent mood. Next to Girl Interrupted,its one of those raw movies that is depressing, but real and just amazing. Im glad you have been keeping your wellness ratio up. Italso feels good that I was able to reciprocate the good feelings I received fromyou reply as well. So you say it snowed the other night in Brooklyn, have youalways been in New York where there has always been snow? I like the way snowlooks too, but unfortunately in Central Texas the most we will get is maybe aninch every other year. Do you have a cat of your own, and that’s pretty cool ofyou to go into the store, play with the kittens, and help put a smile on theowners face. Do you go there often or just once in a while? I’m glad to hearthat you have a lot to keep you goin, you seem to be a very positive, caring,and happy person. Juan

Ha alright, hopefully your parents weren't too upset afteryou woke them up to tell them about the movie as well, just kidding. I'll takeyour word on the drug use, honestly I don’t remember it being there, but I havehorrible memory so I’m probably wrong. I have to say I also love the unfiltered behavior betweenpat and tiffany. I’m sorry that you had to live your life behind a filter aswell. If I may ask, what was the filter on and for what reasons? I’m curious asto I think everybody lives in some sense under a self censoring filter. I knowmy own was brought up from mother who held the principle that the truth, whencoming to anybody outside of herself and I, was best kept hidden. This was dueto her instilling in me as a child to keep my mouth shut so that she would beable to freely have an affair while I was of course kept out of the loop, and aspy towards my father to verify if he was conducting the same behavior she wasdoing. I tell you this because I hope to see what things you have done in yourpersonal life to eradicate this filter. I sometimes still struggle with it, andany advice or explanations would be greatly appreciated and respected. Sorry about you being in the Navy, are you still in it now? Hopefullynot and I’m glad your able to work on yourself without the need of the Zoloft thatmade you feel like that. What was there reason, again you do not have todisclose anything you don’t want to, for putting you on Zoloft? I’m sorry I have taken a few days to respond, I haven’t hadaccess to a computer with internet till now. Anyways I hope your doing well,and hopefully watching movies that you enjoy, full heartedly.

I learned about FDR at a Bitcoin forum. Someone posted a list of videos about liberty, and one of them was by Stef. How did you find FDR? Hey, here's an idea that might help you find your California friend again one day. You could set up a web page saying that you'd like to make contact again. Make sure the web page has all the things you know about her: middle name, friends and family names, places she has lived, places you two went together, etc. One day she might put her name plus some of those words into a search engine, and she'll see a search result with a page heading that says "Hey it's Juan! I'd love it if you called me...". Some people even have a Google Alert set up so that they get an email whenever a new web page appears with their name on it. I have to give Bitcoin a look. I know you have mentioned it a few times and I have heard of it on FDR as well as Adam Kokesh's show. The reason i haven't checked it out is that I don't think I have the necessary funds nor the financial management skills to invest my time and resources. But, it’s worth learning something new no doubt. So being from the liberty movement, was the liberty message your major interest currently within the FDR spectrum, or are there other aspects you might favor now? I found FDR through Alex Jones and Adam Kokesh. I use to watch news for hours on end in the day trying to remain up to date. After this myriad of lost time, I got suckered into the spectacle that is the Alex Jones show. I don’t ever regret watching his show, but i am grateful I’m not holding myself up in my 12*12 room consistently being afraid of the NWO and possible conspiracies. Then I started watching Adam vs. the Man and RT. It wasn’t as erratic and as Jones. Then I heard Stefan on both shows and was hooked. Watched a few videos and read a couple books. Have to say I am really grateful for finding such a community and such a resource that has helped me so much in my personal growth. I'm grateful that you told me that. I had never thought to do that, nor that that could even be done. I will keep that on my back burner. It’s something I'm genuinely interested in. However at this time I'm a bit concerned as to whether I would have the capacity to have integrity with her. Its weird, just recently maybe a couple months ago I came into contact with my biological family, and I have been talking to my sisters relatively consistently. However I've had and continue to have inconsistencies with being honest with them. Plus I'm trying to deal with the aforementioned hermit like behavior. I don't mean to be disparaging or ungrateful, because I truly am. But I will focus on different priorities. However, when i decide to follow your advice and make the page and come into contact with her, I'll shoot you a message to tell you how it turned out.

So let me guess, you had an emotional response that mirrored Pat's after he finished reading A Farewell to Arms ? I know what you mean. I loved the development of Tiffany and Pat. It was easily one of the most genuine relationships on the big screen I had seen in a while. The moment where the father has the "emotional talk" with his son triggered such disgust with me bc he was merely using his son as a token in his OCD, rather than any intimate interest in his son. Because lets face it, if they would have lost that big gamble, the old man would be homeless, the wife divorced living with one of the sons, and probably Pat and Tiffany working it out. In complete agreement the ending of the movie felt so disengenous to the amazing story that it was, and could have truly been. I'm not so sure however about the pro-medication side though. I thought Pat spit his meds out, and the only time i remember drugs being mentioned was when pat and tiffany merely talked about the drugs they had taken. But i might be wrong so please intersede. I wanted to ask, what you thought was the bestaspect, or scene in the movie. AlthoughI think its safe to say we both hated the ending, i'm curios as to what specifically you liked about it. I think its a great movie, just needs a bit of editing .

It’s not a problem Ribuck, you have been honest with me and I can only try to reciprocate your kindness. I’m so sorry for the turn out for you and your friend. I don’t know what it must be like to be in your position, but it must have hurt you couldn’t talk to him since the last time you two talked. With good reason you couldn’t have talked much to him, and with the mindset of wanting to talk to him, and yet with all that you were unable to. I hope you it doesn’t eat at you too much now. I know that for losing a friend can be tough. My first teen crush was a girl I had met over the summer near my grandma’s place. She help me bust out of my super shy shell, and we hung out as often as we could. Unfortunately one day her dad took her and moved back to California, and I never could find a number, family, or find her on Facebook. Luckily for me it was a crush and not a long lost friend. But I can understand at times the angst or regret you might feel whenever your reminded by that person. I think the last time I remembered Alejandra was a couple days ago, I heard her favorite song on the radio on the way to work. I pulled over on the road and had one of those bittersweet reflection moments. Enough about me though. I appreciate the concern for my friend. He sounds stable and he says he’s working on himself so that’s good. I have to say wow, the doctor’s tale is pretty remarkable. I can’t blame you for not asking, I probably would have done the same. Albeit would be one hell of a conversation. I know my mom went to one for a couple days and she had some crazy things that happened there, but it would be good to hear of a real life situation where the institution was a real benefit to someone. I think that your right that people who go of there of volition would fare better. So I had to ask, and you don’t have to tell me, but how was it that you found FDR coming from a libertarian background? Juan

Juan, welcome. Thank you for sharing yourself. What I left in the quote above is a fantastic insight on your part. What you would say if you read your own post as someone else. I think this may be what is contributing to not achieving what you want. I say "You don't have to do anything. You know what you want. You don't have to do anything" That being said, I know how difficult it is to carve out a new pathway called "You don't have to do anything", especially when there is already a pathway called "JUST FUCKING DO IT" so deeply carved out already. I wish you the very very best, and I'm sorry this is troubling you. Hey Stephen, So thanks for the reply. I appreciate what you said, "You don't have to do anything. You know what you want. You don't have to do anything". The difference in perspective challenged me a bit at first. When I read it, I thought to myself, well duh that’s common sense stuff like what I said. I had to look at it a couple of times to understand it. The difference from what I can understand is that the way you say it, it is voluntary. The things that I want not only do not have to be sought after, but because there is no aggression of myself feeling like I have to make myself do it, I can without guilt or added pressure seek that which I desire without being so anxious about it. More importantly I ought to not have talked that way to myself. If I had read this like you, and responded the way I did to myself, I would be cruel to that person, and in that case it is me. I need to try to not be so aggressive in my own criticism and self-worth. I hope that makes sense, and more importantly reflects what you said. I appreciate your advice and your willingness to express yourself. It’s something I'll try working on. By repeating "you don't have to do anything" throughout the day whenever I feel anxious, kind of helps calm me down a bit. So I really want to thank you not only for response you gave, but for the actual benefit it has been just from reading your post. I hope all is well for you Stephen. Thanks, Juan Big smile on my face, Juan. I'm glad you find my response useful. There's one thing I would like to point out or suggest as a possibility from what you said above. The Part of you that says "JUST FUCKING DO IT!", that's not you. This is something you HAD TO internalize to survive. This Part of you is amazing, and talented and hardworking and does it's best to keep you safe, so I appreciate this Part of you greatly. It wants you to get things done, but it's approach is not effective. It's not an effective parenting or teaching behavior to tell children or students to "JUST FUCKING DO IT". It may seem to work for the parent/teacher in the short term, but it's not an effective long term strategy at all. Perhaps you and this Part can find another way to get things done, but without a doubt this Part is to be well respected and understood. Hopefully that makes some sense. Oh yes, thank you Juan. not everything is well for me, but I have a pretty good ratio of wellness going on. I’m glad I was helpful in eliciting a big smile for you. I haven’t stopped running through my head what you replied here on the post. It’s funny I didn’t think I would get such an amazing response from anybody, and yet you and Ribuck have been extremely helpful. I can’t thank you enough Stephen for your kind words, advice, and time you have taken to have this conversation. On to your suggestion, I have read over what you said a couple times. Right now I’m thinking, ok sure I get it that makes sense and I ought to refer to myself with respect. I know that I have to actually behave in this manner, and just last night there was a moment in which I was self-attacking because I needed disapproved of the way that I behaved on the phone with my sister. After a few internally aggressive remarks, I told myself ok you got to chill out. You know what you did wrong; now you just need to plan what you can do to make it right. From there I think I was able to channel some of that aggression and use it to write a letter to my sister explaining myself. She immediately responded and we were able to patch over what happened and I can’t thank you enough for instilling in me the need to review myself, and communicate with myself with respect. I know that it was just one experience and there were others from now till then that I ought to have behaved in that way and I didn’t. So I still have a lot to work on but what you said makes a TON of sense. I will continue working on respecting me. It’s weird, I felt at times after I read your post that I have multiple personalities that I have to respect but I am no Cybil. I’m glad to hear you have some pretty good ratio of wellness going, what’s going on for you that your ratio is positive? Don’t tell me you won the lottery, because I won it a little while back when I found this site, and now when I made this post. My ratio of wellness has been pretty good these past few days.

Hey Ribuck, I’m sorry it took me a while to respond, I honestly thought I wrote and replied to you, but I looked today to see no reply so I’m rewriting this letter. I apologize for my lack of follow through. Now on to your reply, you shouldn’t consider yourself a slow learner. I know I don’t know, and I don’t know what it was like for you in that 35 year gap, however just from a technological aspect I don’t think you might have been exposed to voluntarism as professionally as you might have been experienced to libertarianism. Correct me if I’m wrong, because I’m making assumptions without facts. Either way the important thing is that you’re willing and capable to gradually refine your ideals and that is amazing. Even if it comes to mundane things, as you would note, money management, it’s great that your able to use the knowledge you have and adapt it where if and where it needs it to better yourself and situation. I’m glad you have the integrity to speak out against spanking whenever it comes up. That is great that your sister had such an influence on yourself. I know this might be personal, but in regards to your friend is he still in the institution? I know you might be asking, why the hell you want to know. But I have a friend that had a similar upbringing, and just recently has gone to a mental institution. He is a pretty smart guy, and is still currently working on improving himself, he was self-admitted, and I have high hopes for him to get out. I honestly thought he wouldn’t need to do it, but I was wrong. We currently talk whenever he has the free chance. It’s just I’m afraid that the institution will inhibit problems rather than help solve them constructively. I have yet to have much experience with mental institutions, so anything you can share would be helpful for me. Thanks for the camping advice; I’ll have to try like a night or day out before I do a multi-day trip. But it sure sounds like a great time. More importantly it sounds like a great opportunity to meet new people and be intimate with them due to the cooperative nature the trip needs as you have described. Oh and thanks for saying, “The great thing about this is: when you drop the shackles of "Just fucking do it", you come to realize that there are things you actually want to do and are driven to do, and you will do them. Instead of doing all the time-wasting things as a way of not doing the things you think you should "just fucking do", you can do the things you actually find worthwhile.” The shackle concept really reinforces your point, and amplifies Stephen’s as well. I am working on it, and I sincerely am grateful with your response. I know that I have a lot of work to do, but your comment has been gratefully appreciated and beneficial and for that I thank you. Thanks again, Juan