DaVinci

Yeah. I can hear that voice. "Only on Adult Swim!"

Is that from something? A tv show? Sounds familiar.

I know it is great for companies to be able to update old software easily, but it is also a way for them to get away with being lazy. Something doesn't work out of the box? Upgrade over the "cloud"! Sometimes the upgrade actually takes a step back from the previous version. You see this all the time. Problems that didn't need fixing were fixed.

So then you are saying it is both objective and subjective? In other words, a masochist is slapped. He has an objective experience of pain from the slap, and a subjective experience of enjoying the pain?

For instance if someone were to slap me in the face, I would feel pain. Is that feeling subjective? Or if someone told me they loved me and I felt happy about it, is that subjective? If it isn't subjective then how is that dertermined? Through the validity of the senses?

It seems like since most computers have lost CD drives that a lot of programs are running a subscription service requiring you to be connected to the internet at all times and keep your stuff on "the cloud". Don't want to do that? Well, tough crap. Oh, and if you do decide to do it and then stop paying you'll never be able to edit your files again. Unless you start paying again. So I'm curious why the market hasn't adapted to this yet? Go look at reviews for something like Photoshop and you will see a ton of people complaining about this. Yes, there are other programs out there. Some of them free. But it still seems like there is an opportunity here for someone to come in and make some money while alleviating this ridiculous problem. Anyone else feel my pain? Am I overblowing this situation? Does anyone subscribe to something they used to pay for only once?

I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't think there is a guide book or list of points for De-fooing. (That I know of) So let me ask you a question. What would be gained by talking to your parents? If they didn't care about you as a kid, then why would they care now? Do you have any reason to think they would? Would they actually listen to what you were saying or would they just defend/excuse past behavior? What would be the worst thing that could happen if you just stopped talking to them right now? If you think you want to call the show then I would say sign up. I don't think they will view it as a waste of time.

Yes, fandoms can have different draws for different people, but I don't think those things, and what I said are mutually exclusive. In fact I think what I said is felt by a lot of people. Now it could be the case that only the minority complain, and so it looks like only a minority of people feel that way but I don't think that is the case. I have never dressed up as an animal, have no plans or desire to, and I haven't intereacted with anyone outside of some people on internet forums who do. Yet, I get this issue. I get it because it happened to me with art. My parents thought art was a big waste of time. Thought it was a distraction from "true work", etc. Basically all the things I said in my last post. So I think a lot of people go through this. In fact I think a majority of people are told by their parents, or other authoirty figures at some point in their life "you have to stop doing x because I said so", and "X" is something that isn't hurting anyone. It would be like if your parents suddenly told you today that you had to give up ice cream, or watching movies or something, and when you said "Yeah, but I like those things. Why should I give them up?" and all they could respond with is "cause I say so". You would probably just laugh at them today. But when you are a kid, especially when you depend on them for survival, you have to do what they say. It's why they hit you with that crap so young. It's actually kind of disgusting.

I will agree with what Patrick said here. The only thing I will add is that the way you described dealing with the guy wouldn't exactly compel me to stand up for you if I had to. Based on your description it almost seems like you were looking for a fight. The "I'm gonna do what I want" attitude is thick in your descritption.

So what makes you think it has to do with childhood and emotional support? I've heard people say there is a link between a lack of emotional support in childhood and gender dysphoria before, but it also reminds me how Stef thought that same thing about gay people. That it was rooted in childhood. So that makes me wonder if Stef's orignal argument had merit, but he backed off of the issue, (which I don't think is the case), or if people are apporaching gender dysphoria in the same way people used to approach being gay. That process that goes from "It's unnatural/a sin" to "It's a disease" to "It's a choice" to "Okay, it is real, and based in fact proven by science". Seems like with gender dysphoria we should just cut straight through all that other stuff and just go straight to science.

Hey, wow, that was a good read. Tolkien leaned towards anarchism huh? Nice. Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry that all of that happened. In a sense it becomes lonely to embark on the path of self knowledge because you learn quickly who you have to cut out of your life. I like that Voltaire quote, and it explains well what I feel on a gut level. But I have already weeded out all the toxic people. I know better now than to try and connect with them. When I think about how they were and how they are now I can see they haven't changed, so I have already pushed them aside. The people I am still considering trying to connect with are the ones I can look back on and remember them being nice. Maybe not perfect, but not jerks either. So I feel there is a chance that if they have changed that it has been a positive change and that the only thing seperating us from having a friendship is my ability to reach out.

I think in some of these individuals that might be the case, but I theorize it is more of a reaction to society at large and the way children are raised. Many parents will at some point tell their children, who are naturally curious and playful, to stop being that way and that they need to "grow up" and "go get a job". Playfulness for its own sake must be pushed aside in favor of "what has to be done". This happens at different ages for different children, and the parents generally don't give a reason to the child other than the typical "authority" or "Cause I say so" type of response. The parents make it worse by not allowing for any type of transition. It is more like a switch is thrown and the way you were before is gone. To further complicate matters when the child comes back to the parent to vent frustration over the world they were pushed into they are met with a lack of compassion. The child is told, "That is how it is", and is expected to self anesthetize to get through it. This process of frustration, feeling imprisoned, feeling a loss over a part of themselves they had to give up, voicing themselves to parents, and being rebuffed takes it toll. In some cases they have a reaction to this, similar to the way kids of highly conservative religious parents become super liberal atheists. So I see the furry community as being an example of a reaction to the way that they were raised. They are pushing back against the world and trying to reclaim something they lost. I think that is a big draw for not just the furry gatherings, but almost all the conventions where people dress up in costumes. They are, at least in that setting, allowed to be playful again free from arguments of authority. For some of them I would argue it is a form of self therapy.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I had a similar experience. You go to these places where you are told you will be accepted for being you, but then you see the clique groups and you realize it was all a lie. Book club doesn't usually reinforce the notion that people should bow to authority in an unquestioning manner.

In that particular case I have never seen that person again. I don't even remember the name they told me. It just made me think about what it means to change as a person, and how you communicate that. Or if there is value in communicating it.

Yeah, those are interesting questions. I have a lot of answers for you, but I'm not sure which of those answers is the most relevant, or if they even qualify as answers to your questions. Especially given that I feel differently about different people and thus have a different feeling about connecting with each person. For example, some of the people I think about trying to connect with were people who I felt were self absored, or ego driven, but not "bad" and in that sense might have changed. In some cases I know I have changed and grown as a person and so could talk to other people about what I think and feel easier than a decade ago. I guess you could compare it in a sense to being a little kid. When you are young you don't have a very big vocabulary and so it can be hard to discuss anything with clarity, but as you get older your vocabulary grows and discussion becomes more focused. So now that I am older still and my vocabulary and self knowledge have grown I am frustrated with the lack of ability to use said vocabulary. I feel agiated over gaining an ability after the fact. In some cases I know the person is nice and the relationship didn't end with any bridges being burned, it was more of a fading out from lost contact, but there still feels like a barrier is up on their side to the idea of talking/connecting, so even if I met with them again in the real world, I'm not sure if anything would come of it. Most confusing of all is when I have some or all of these feelings in concert around the same person. So in terms of why I want to connect with these people again I feel like it is a mix of feeling more confident in myself and having the ability to communicate in a way I was unable to before, and understanding that they also might have grown and changed and be able to communicate better. I think I could also link my feelings on this to an event a while back. I ran into someone from my past one day a few years ago who knew who I was but I had no idea who they were. When they asked if I remembered them I had to confess I didn't. They just sort of looked at me and said "Some people never change." Now, that comment might not have had a negative connotation, but the tone of voice did and so the combination of the two struck me. It made me feel bad inside, as if I had done something wrong to someone. Now perhaps the person was just being judgemental without trying to understand me and thus I can dismiss this type of comment as someone taking out their problems on me, but it still made me think that I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be someone who hurts people. I want to be someone who connects to others.

This makes me think of when a friend in high school wanted me to come to church with him. When I asked "Why? What's the point?" He said, "Because there is a great loving community there". I was hesitant to go, but I found that idea appealing and so I went. While standing outside the church I found myself hoping somehwere deep in the back of my mind that there was a kernel of truth in his promise and that I would be greeted like a long lost friend. At the same time I can't say I was shocked when people started showing up and I passively watched as everyone walked past me into the church. Not a single person acknowledged my existence. They all just sort of shuffled in through the doors of the church like merchandise riding a conveyor belt. I could have been a marble statue standing beside that door and gotten the same cold reception. I didn't see the promised community and I certainly didn't feel loved. In fact, I felt the opposite. That familiar sting of rejection. I didn't go back.

I haven't tried that, but I have tried drawing geometric shapes (arabesque) and celtic patterns to achieve a sort of "zen" feeling.

That Stef one... lol. Talk about having a real time relationship.

I haven't seen the entire video yet, but just the first ten minutes or so gives me this "Mayan calendar" "End of days panic" vibe.

This is also what I have observed, but it is hard to judge if people have changed from just checking their FB page, and my gut reaction is, like you mentioned, that people won't change unless they are forced to.

There is a lot of science now dealing with the idea of the fixed mindset vs the growth mindset. So you end up being in the fixed mindset if you just tell a kid "You're special" "You're talented" and things like that. They won't work as hard as the growth mindset person who has been told "You worked really hard". So your parents might have unknowingly conditioned you to feel like you don't have to work hard by saying those types of things. Not that you didn't work at what you did, but you didn't work as hard as someone who has had their hardwork reinforced instead of their "specialness". I would add to this that someone who doesn't work as hard as they could and gets told how special they are is probably not going to be as open to criticism because it doesn't jive with the "But I'm special and talented!" voice in the back of their head. So if you think this is happening in your case you just need to make yourself conscious of it and try to catch it before you "shut down" or have anxiety. All that being said, I think you need to watch out for what you were talking about in your last paragraph. Working in any business that directly deals with people you are inevitably going to run into people who criticize you. In this case, that your message was called "incomprehensible" is the criticism. Is it valid? Maybe, but why is this person bothering to mention this? Did they respond to the content of the message? If so they must have understood it well enough to call back and leave the response they did. The same thing goes for being called "sensitive". This, in my experience, is the tactic of a bully. For example a bully will tell you "You're stupid... oh, I'm just kidding! lol", and the "I'm just kidding" part is a manipulation to make what they said ambiguous. If they had just said "You're stupid." you could dismiss them, or point out their rudeness, but "Im kidding" is an attempt to qualify their rudeness as something it isn't. Now it is an insult, and a joke, and you can't take offense to something ambiguous because that would make you the jerk. So now imagine someone tells you something and you feel hurt by what they said, and you voice this hurt. What do people say. "Oh, you're being so sensitive". It's the same manipulation. They just forgot to add a qualifier originally and now they have to call you sensitive to make you look like a jerk as opposed to actually taking ownership of something they said that hurt you or actually adressing how you feel.

Why do you think you "shut down" when criticized? You mentioned valid criticism. For it to be valid it would also have to be understanding, so why are you worried about people who are saying things about you who have an understanding of you? Unless you think that not all of the criticism is valid, or warranted?

Recently I've felt like trying to reconnect with people from my past, and I don't just mean to say "Hey, what's up?", but to actually see if having a better understanding of myself can help me to connect with others in a way I couldn't ten or fifteen years ago. That having been said my previous attmepts at doing just this have not been very successful, and I am beginning to wonder if purusing this is a waste of time. For example, a few months ago I met up with someone I hadn't interacted with in a long time. I wanted to see if they had changed, and if so in what way. But almost immediately upon talking to them I recognized they hadn't changed at all. Alarm bells went off in my head. I heard myself saying "This is the same manipulative ego-centric person from a decade ago". I spent at least a couple hours with this person before leaving and knew that if I didn't try contacting them again afterwards I wouldn't hear from them again, and it is no surpirse I haven't. I can't say I lament not being contacted by this person based on the way they acted, but it still makes me sad. It is a symptom of a bigger problem. Every time since then that I think "I should contact this person from my past" my enthusiasm for catching up with someone, reconnecting, etc is met by another part of my brain saying "They won't have the time for you." "They won't want to really connect." "It will just be awkward." "Don't bother." So I'm left wondering what to do. I don't like the idea of giving up and thus always being stuck with the feeling of "What if?", but I'm not sure how to approach this. Based on what I have seen it seems like everyone I used to know has a good job, a family, different interests, etc and I think just asking to meet up and talk might come across as an intrusion to them. Does anyone have experience connecting with people from their past? Has anyone experienced what I have? Any success? Failures? Thoughts in general?

The only one that comes to mind is Aragorn and Arwen from Lord of the Rings. They love each other, want to be with each other, are willing to sacrifice for the other and help support each other. He has a stable job. She is hot. etc ...lol