jester7707

“If there is no honesty, there is no relationship. The only degree to which there is a relationship is the degree to which you are honest." "To frame someone for murder is pretty hard but to palm a packet of cocaine and say that you found it in their car is pretty damn easy and the government loves having that power." "Because people haven’t been reasoned into their beliefs, they can’t be reasoned out of their beliefs, [and] when people have existing prejudices, showing them facts that run counter to those prejudices does not dislodge them. In fact, statistically, it is more likely to make those prejudices stronger.” “The move towards the extension of personhood to children is already underway, and is utterly, completely and totally unstoppable!” -Stef

“To be yourself is in many ways to be inconvenient to others. Only placaters and appeasers get along with other people all the time and that's not really getting along with anyone. That's just self erasure." “The principals are quite simple. We can love people who treat us well. We cannot love people who treat us badly because, treating someone badly is not a virtue and we can only love virtue. I don’t think that’s controversial. I mean, there is no marriage therapist that I can imagine in the world who would say to a woman being beaten, humiliated, verbally abused, or completely ignored by her husband, “You just need to love him more. You need to work at making him happier.” That would be sadistic in the extreme to say to someone. So, in the same way I say, if anyone, I don’t care if they are your priest, god, father, mother, or your Siamese twin cousin coming out of your elbow or ass. I don’t care. If someone is treating you badly, that is not good for you. The solution is not you being so great that you both become better. That’s not a realistic solution.” “Anger is the immune system of the soul.” -Stef There was another that goes something like "Every time a woman chooses to be with a violent man she throws another log on the fire that is the world." I would love to know how the original goes.

@ Kalmia - Thank you so much, That's very generous of you and sounds very tempting. I live North of Chicago and according to Google about 1 1/2 to 2 hours away depending on traffic. The only concern I have is like you mentioned, getting work. I certainly believe I can get work down there. Would you mind if I took a little time to do some research before giving you my answer? @ Pablo - Thank you. I will definitely keep you all updated. @ Alin - I agree completely. It's so damn horrendous what she did.

Thank you Pablo. I have not seen those places and it is very helpful. I will contact them to see if they can help. I messaged Stef about losing my job some time ago and told him I'll continue payment as soon as I'm able to. The kinda ironic and depressing thing is that I started donating again (Since I found work.) and the very next day that whole incident with my father happened.

Thank you both for the kind words and input. @TheMatrixHasMe - I'm 26 and I do have a part time job thankfully. I've exhausted all friends and families places to live with because, they are all very toxic people. There is a shelter about 45 min away from me but, my banker (One of the only few people at the time who where curious and sympathetic towards me.) said that she doesn't think that shelters would be a nice place because, they can be filled with dangerous people. @cynicist - My girlfriend is assisting me in anyway that she can but, she is currently in a similar boat living with her abusive mother who choked her a few months back. We both are saving up our money to get a cheap apartment.

Hi everyone, thank you for stopping in. I'm in a desperate situation, even more so than the last year or two. As I have been learning from Stef and the community here and I have been trying to put the principals into action in my life by trying to get myself away from abusive people. In an attempt to do this I have moved a total of 7 times in the last 2 years. I have been jobless half that time due to poor choices of work environments and what I believe to be severe depression. Most recently I moved in with my father which has proved to be the most damaging for me. Putting it mildly, he is a tyrant. He is almost a clone of a mobster you see in Hollywood movies. I mean, he bullies, can't listen, name calls, escalates fast, and recently has been psychically abusive to me. It started with me defending a roommate that lives with him. He was yelling and cussing at him for not getting him cigarettes while he was out. The reason why his roommate takes this abuse is because my father lets him stay for free and feeds him. Thats the same reason why my mother and myself live with him too. I calmly tried to stop his abuse and then he turned to me by screaming in my face and repeatedly pushing me with his hands and chest. I in turn escalated verbally by telling him what he was, a abusive piece of trash along with other things. After us going back and forth yelling he got in my face again and thrust the bottom of his palm into my cheek so hard my head was thrown back. He then screams that I pushed him in which did not happen. My mom pulled him away from me by his shirt while me and my girlfriend called the police. The cops arrived and got everyones story. I tried to press charges against him but, the cops said that they would have to arrest me as well since he said I pushed him first. Even though I have 2 others that witnessed the whole thing. I would then either have to bond out or sit a few days in jail. After that they would have a judge determine each of our fates. I declined doing that mostly because, I had work in the morning. At the end of the night the cops convinced him to let me use his vehicle for the time being so that we can separate for the night. After work the next day and after going -50.00 on my card for a hotel room me and my mother talked on the phone and she said that my father wanted the vehicle back to put it in a repair shop and that I can come back to stay. Also that he was giving me the vehicle and I just have to pay the 300 for the title transfer. I said that I am seriously thinking of going into a homeless shelter instead and walking the 3 hours to and from work. She began saying that I'm causing her so much stress and to please come to the house. needless to say I was extremely hurt that she was still with my dad in the first place and that she was blaming me for her stress. I decided to go back to my father house very grudgingly so that I can get the vehicle back and use the Internet to find another place to live through charities and the like. Ive been here 2 weeks and after talking to many places I have very few options of moving out anytime soon. It'll be at least another month or two to save up for a deposit and first months rent between the both of us. Salvation army said that they might help if I pay off the deposit and have proof that I am moving because of an emergency. It's frustrating that I am the one to suffer far more. I had to bring in the police report to excuse my absence at work. I had to ask my banker to take off charges for overdrawing and explain what happened. I had to research and call these charities that are completely indifferent to my situation and who try to rush me off the phone as soon as they can. I had to use mostly my resources to meet up with landlords and tour apartments. Ive noticed that when I'm at work talking to guest that remind me of my father I sometimes get very upset even though they aren't being abusive, just simply mannerisms like him and I can feel myself tense up. Hearing his voice and walking past him I feel enraged and disgusted. He got to hit me in the face and all he had to do was give away a truck that's worth a few thousand. My therapy alone will cost more. The list goes on and on. I live near Chicago, IL and If anyone can help me with food, money, gas, or shelter. It would be so greatly appreciated. I would also pay the debt back with money, time, ect. I'm open to ideas. Thank you very much for taking the time to read, Alex

I imagine that was not an easy thing to share and it was very courageous. You are an incredible writer and the picture you painted was very real for me as I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I can't offer much in terms of advice but, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you had to endure that. :'(

Thanks for adding to the conversation LovePrevails. She does do things for me too. Sometimes she does get slightly agitated when I ask her. She told me that when she was growing up that her family would show appreciation in doing favors for each other also, that she feels agitated when I ask her to do small things but, she doesn't understand why she does. She thinks that she shouldn't feel that way. I feel that we both are very new to this type of relationship. Where like you mentioned, we can talk openly and calmly in a positive way in which we do most times but, We still have many areas for growth and it's sometimes hard to see how a healthy functioning relationship looks like when it hasn't been modeled to us besides listening to Stef.

Thank you, BrainBrain. I agree with you. It's hard for me to pin point what exactly about it that isn't satisfying to me. Like, if she had said "I sprang my ankle on the walk over and asked him to help me out." then, I believe that may have been a good reason to do that but, thinking back it seems almost like what an addict would say to a loved one. I'm not sure but, It does bother me though. I wish I could tell you more because, I feel as though I'm not giving you much to work with and I apologize if that's true. I'm more than willing to answer any more question you may have.

Thanks for the input and curiosity everyone. It is very appreciated and helpful. @BrianBrian When it comes to her childhood and adult life I can see where it comes from. Her mother was very controlling. She would tell My girlfriend what to do and how to do it instead of just giving advice. It's kinda hard to explain but, if my gf were to not do as her mother wanted then her mother would almost always act in a negative way by either being cold and distant or through angry nagging. The same thing would happen with her mom trying to do my gf's daily chores like laundry and dishes ect. Our discussion of my feelings about this matter with her was like, I feel as though I'm a parent and she is a child (Like Ovi mentioned) and I don't like that. I think it's not healthy and I told her that I think it would be more beneficial to us if she were to try and be more independent and she agreed. The way I usually feel in these conversations is like a parental figure and she is a child. It's almost as though no matter what approach I take I end up feeling like that. I have had many opportunities to refuse to get her things near her by telling her calmly that I wont do that for her and followed by because, it's very close to you, or something along those lines. The way she reacts usually, is to say 'OK' in a way that I just reminded her of our previous talks. We talked briefly in private after the indecent and I told her that I was angry with her for sending our roommate back to get her stuff. I admitted that I'm not sure why I'm as angry as I was but, it's definitely disappointing to see her sending him on errands for her. She apologized and after that she said something along the lines, that she believed she has been doing really good lately and that she thought it wouldn't of been a big deal to me. I didn't say much after that and we ended the conversation there. At the time I didn't know what ells to say and planned on talking to her again after having some time to think about it and hearing what everyone on here had to say. The reason why the roommate does these things for her so eagerly is because he is kinda the white knight type of person. I do communicate with her in the same way I do here most times but, honestly sometimes, I do get angry and I allow it to come out in a unhealthy manner towards her instead of a calm and peaceful way. I of course feel very guilty afterwards and apologize to her. She is not as curious as I would like her to be. I do feel that I am much more mature than she is and that most of the curiosity is just from me.

Hi everyone, Thanks for stopping in. I wanted to talk about a situation that happened earlier today with my girlfriend and my feelings that sprang from it. Me and her have issues we are both working on and one of them that I discussed with her previously about was, how she tends to rely on others to help her with allot of daily task. I mean, to the point where it seems almost unhealthy to me. For example, she'll ask throughout the day if i can get her drinks, make her food, do her dishes, or even ask me if I can help her with something just out of her reach even though I'm across the room. This sounds very innocent as I'm typing it out but, in the moment for me it can make me aggravated with her because, It seems like she is not a independent adult and to be clear, I don't mind helping my loved ones with these things but, it's just that she can ask very frequently. She has improved this allot recently but still sometimes falls back into it from time to time, like earlier today. She and our roommate went to talk with our neighbor about teaching her how to crochet. later on, she sent him (our roommate) back to me to get the supplies she forgot. This made me angry. Almost to the point where my face gets flushed and I'm not sure why. I mean, it is a little annoying that she is relying on another again but, I can't pinpoint why I felt that much anger. Later on the anger turned into sadness just as Stef has mentioned in his previous pod-cast. It just seems like I'm over reacting to the situation or there is something I'm not fully understanding that my unconscious is trying to tell me. I would appreciate any help into this. If you guys/gals have any questions or any insight to this, I would love to hear them. Thanks again.

That is a good observation. I know almost all of the songs posted here. I was, and still am drawn to listen to them from time to time.Here are a couple more to add to the list:

Thank you for shareing your wisdom and kind words of encouragment Adrienne. That was also very helpful and allowed me to see it from a different perspective. I apologize for not saying this sooner. I did learn from it and was also humbled by the expierence. I realized that I have allot of work to do with myself and my instincts.

Thank you for the kind words dsayers. I think you make many great points and I really appreciate that because I didn't see things in that perspective before. It also helped me to feel allot better about the situation.

Thank you all again. It's very appreciated. The My first day of work came (Today) and it was -25 below zero with the wind chill and I had over an hour both ways through public transportation. I called her to see if we could negotiate something. Otherwise I felt it was to dangerous for me to go. She needed a cook right away and I needed a ride home from work as I am new to the area and am not familiar with public transportation witch I explained to her on more than one occasion. I told her my proposition and she seemed agitated at me bringing it up and said I was supposed to have reliable transportation. I reminded her of what I said at the interview and that I was up to negotiate something out that would benefit both of us But, I couldn't risk going out in such extreme temperatures with little knowledge of the area and the public transportation system. Like I said before I offered to come to work on my own accord and just getting a ride home from someone there. She replied that this isn't going to work out and said goodbye in a hurry. I feel rather agitated and sad. My stomach has been hurting ever since. I was wondering how you guys feel about this whole interaction?

Thank you for the reply and the very helpful advice. I feel that I was a little rushed but, that I could have asked her in the moment. She was very unprepared for the interview and I was taken off guard by how it went. It's funny that you say that about working for underpaying jobs as I do have a history of that happening but, I am kinda desperate to get some money rolling in and to add more recent restaurant history to my work experience. I can wait until the beginning of next month to work though. I do have another interview I plan on going to. I'm currently negotiating a date with them via E-mail. I'm glad to hear that. I think that's a fair question to ask her. Honestly, I am not used to asking an employer that as I never had experience doing it but, it is just a question. I don't think it is unreasonable. I mean, I could take public transit but, it takes over an hour each way, cost money that I'm very low on, and it's dangerously cold out. If it's not to much to ask could you elaborate more on how I could go about it?

Thank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it and it is very helpful. I was interviewed today but, it was a very odd interview. I walked in and explained why I was there and the hiring manager said hi and asked me to be seated as usual. She was an elderly woman that immediately gave off the impression of a friendly grandmother type. I felt less nervous around her and sensed she was nervous as well. In fact the interview started with her saying that she isn't used to giving interviews with a nervous chuckle. I explained that I was nervous as well. The questions lasted literately 5 to 10 minutes tops. She asked about my experience in restaurants, If I wanted to work full time/part time, If I was planning on staying with them awhile or a sort time, and told me of the history of the restaurant. Most of the time she seemed almost saddened while she explained everything like most of the workers there have been with her for years at a time, some even 15 years. She continued on saying 2 cooks recently stopped working there. One because a family member passed on and the other she didn't go into detail. On top of that she was having trouble hiring another cook. I guess a recently hired person before me stopped showing up for work and she said she even thought I wasn't going not show up. She came off at this point as slightly desperate to get kitchen help. She even said to me that they are looking for a person to lead the kitchen at night and that I could very well do that once I learn the operation there. I explained to her that I wouldn't be able to start until the 5th of next month because I am in the middle of moving. That wasn't entirely truthful. The real reason is that My truck has a starter that needs replaced and I wont have the funds until the beginning of next month.Sometimes it starts and others it doesn't. That seemed to be a bad reason to give in the moment so I didn't. She said that they really need help before then. As soon as Monday. I replied that I'll try my very best to get in everyday that they need me but, I don't want to give a definitive answer and then not be able to show up. I said on and after the 5th I'll be there everyday that they need me no problem at all but, before then I just can't guarantee it unfortunately. She seemed ok with that and showed me around and introduced me to the staff. After that we parted ways. Total time there was about 15 minutes. What do you guys take from this? I'm a little leery on one hand but, the other I think it has good potential to be a wonderful opportunity for me. Thanks again.

Hi everyone, Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to read. I'm currently trying to get into the food industry preferably as a cook. I had an employer call me about my resume I uploaded online. She asked me if I had any experience in cooking with Mediterranean food. I have on my application that I worked in fast food places but, nothing on it about working with this type of food. I told her that honestly I have''t really besides watching my father cook Greek dish's here and there. She then told me that she would like to have me come in tomorrow for an interview. On one hand she obviously see's possible potential in me but, on the other I am trying to think of how I could present myself as a valuable worker with this obvious lack of experience. I was thinking of pointing out that I am a fast learner and the variety of task I did at previous restaurants supports that. I mean, My title at this previous job is something like this : Cook, Busser, Trainer, Cashier, Inventory Management, Catering, Prep Staff. Other than that I'm drawing blanks on what I could say. Any ideas on how I could go about this? Thank's again.

My apologies for the delayed response Just, I have sent a reply to you.

Thank you for the reply Just. I really appreciate your advice and I would love a second opinion on my resume. I'll PM you.

Wow, thank you guys so much for the great advice. It kinda helped to recharge my battery so to say and gave me more confidence in being able to solve this dilemma. So, just to be clear, should I put a similar statement directly onto my resume? I'm afraid if I leave it blank they wouldn't be interested in a interview so, I wouldn't get the chance to explain.

Hi everyone, Thank you for taking the time to stop in read. I am currently updating my resume and I have a huge gap in job history that I don't know how I could possibly answer to a potential employer. The gap is from late 2011 to currently. It's not that I haven't worked but, I've made many bad decisions over the last year in a half to either get fired from a workplace or to just not show up at work. The reason for that is I keep choosing places that for the most part are really bad work environments. One example is that I was a cook at a resort. While working there I would undergo constant verbal abuse from my manager. he would get in fits of rage and throw things across the kitchen. I'll try not to go too much into detail but,one time in particular I went on break without first getting his approval, which I should of in that regard. He walked by me eating and looked at me and then the food and proceeded to splash his near boiling tea water all over my food and a little onto myself. He then began yelling at how he wished he and the rest of the cook's could eat and after his rant he then sent me home. That was an extreme example of similar job experiences I've dealt with. So, I'm not sure what to do on my resume that would excuse this gap in my work history. Should I just go ahead and put it down anyways?

Lens, Thank you sharing your insight and all of the kind words. It is very helpful and very scary to read at the same time but, I believe you are right. I do derive pleasure from seeing that my exes are worse off without me. I feel shameful for feeling that way.I had a chat with stef recently and I believe there is some correlation with what you said about my fear of abandonment and rejection. If you want to check it out the link is here: Edit: The link is no longer active I believe they may be publishing it as a podcast soon. Not sure but, I'll post it here if they do. Sorry about that.

Pepin, you are correct, I did go through her texts. I think it was very wrong of me to do and I have since then talked to her about it and apologized for my behavior and so did she. She didn't express to me what she felt about me going through her texts. Lens, I'm surprised that it is that obvious but, it is very true though. My happiness is in short supply. What you said about the illusion of control that I seek is very spot on. I was in a relationship in the past were I felt betrayed by my partner. After that I was reading allot of her privet messages via Facebook and email but, no matter how much I read I still felt completely helpless to the situation. Although I believe that I'm not as bad, I still feel the urge to do it every once in a while. I was wondering of what I should do when another urge comes on? Like for example the next time she talks to Don. I know to not give in but, should I talk to her in the moment about it or what would be a positive step? Thank you for the videos and podcast. It's much appreciated. Wesley, Thank you for the kind words. I believe you make good points too and I think that therapy would be very beneficial for me. I am currently looking for work though and cannot afford to go. I have heard from stef that journaling and reading psychology books are helpful to prepare for therapy. Are there other forms of self-help that would be beneficial to me along the way? I have the same thoughts cross my mind for a while now. I realize the seriousness of the situation on the trust issue but, she does seem really sincere and receptive to my concerns and she would be willing to go to couples counseling to try to work it out.

Thank you both for the reply. Lens, I do have a fear of rejection. How does one alleviate that fear though? Pepin, I've been going out with her about 5 months now. She talks about how she loves her deceased friend quite often. Yea that's what I got from what she said to Don, Atleast it seems that way to me but I do have jealousy issues that at times make me see things through one lens. I'm unsure how to take what she said because of that. I was there for it but she was texting him by me. She didn't tell me what was said I looked at her phone later on and read it. I was not included in the "only one girl" part nor mentioned in any of the conversation.