Filosophize

Spoke with my g/f today, told her I had recently been thinking about the fetish in an analytical way and trying to determine if I should attempt to get rid of it or keep it and enjoy it. She told me that she would prefer if I didn't have the fetish because she isn't a fan of how there are a lot of emasculating aspects to it. She said she would prefer that I stick to roleplay/fantasy talk in ways that make her feel submissive to "her man"... I do enjoy those types of roleplay/fantasy as well, I think we have done that maybe 1/4th of the time with my fetish and me being submissive about 3/4 of the time. However, she is concerned that if I just stop with the fetish/fantasy that I will feel unsatisfied and become frustrated etc. I think I am going to try and stop cold turkey all at once, no fetish play during sex and no pornography related to the fetish. I want to see how I react and how I feel.

You're right, I apologize, that's horrible that you experienced such abuse. A lack of empathy is a problem that I struggle with, might likely be connected to the OP in some way that I haven't thought about too.

To my knowledge I never suffered any sexual abuse in any way shape or form, I never had any sort of walking in on my parents type incident or anything either, I don't see how the above example could connect to my fetish at all... hmmm

I have a sexual fetish that is very interesting to me psychologically that I wanted to get FDR community's thoughts on... From what I have read online there are various main tenants to this fetish but a lot of people sort of customize or care more about certain aspects of it than others. For me I think it basically revolves around being dominated sexually. I have a sort of "type a" alpha male personality in normal everyday life in my relationships and work etc but when I am having sex I love more than anything else for my partner to dominate me. Now the "cuckold" domination is somewhat specific, it revolves around the idea of the male being monogamous with the girl while the girl is not, in variations of the fetish some people range from pure fantasy "dirty talk" in bed all the way up to actually having other guys brought into the bedroom to have sex with the girl while the husband/boyfriend watches and possibly participates in a submissive manner. This fetish was only sort of placated/tolerated by my g/f in my last relationship, this fetish is much more thoroughly shared/enjoyed in my current relationship. We have not involved any other people in the fetish, we have kept it at the dirty talk, roleplay, toys etc level but have talked about the idea of having another guy come into the bedroom to try it out and see how we felt about it. When I reflect on why I might be attracted to this fetish I think it may be due to the majority of my teenage sexual experiences being with older/more experienced girls who sort of "showed me the ropes" and were very attractive and dominant, also my very first serious girlfriend who I lost my virginity with did cheat on me with an older, more muscular, dominant male, this was of course very humiliating, emasculating at the time but I haven't had any other relationships since then that had any cheating going on. Currently I do "get off" on the idea of my g/f having sex with more "manly" men in front of me or away from me and having her tell me the story of the sex etc.. I do feel like this fetish is in fact a "fetish" under the definition of "needing" it in order to gain satisfaction during sex. I am just reflecting on the psychology involved and wondering if the fetish "advances" or becomes more risky in terms of involving other people should I try to tone it down etc... Childhood background: Only major "abuse" was that my father worked 24/7 and essentially wasn't around in any meaningful way outside of paying the bills, no verbal abuse while a young child, did have a lot of arguments, angry teen years where I rebelled against my parents being very very controlling, they eventually gave up trying to control me and I moved relatively quickly after turning 18. Have a good relationship with my mother, even today I don't really have much interest in trying to have a relationship with my father. I recall being spanked maybe a handful of times, soap/tobasco in the mouth for using bad language. But this seemed to only happen a few times and then for w/e reason they stopped and then also never did these "actions" with my younger brothers. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold http://www.salon.com/2011/11/04/the_fantasy_of_a_cheating_wife/ http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201006/kinky-cuckolding-fetish-goes-mainstream/comments http://www.psychforums.com/paraphilias/topic46128.html

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/sep/26/air-forces-new-f16-drone-makes-debut-air/

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/health/2013/09/25/doctors-grow-nose-on-mans-forehead/

Why aren't torrents of recent/new podcasts posted? I only see torrents for old content and even those don't seem to be working anyway...

Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation? Obiously her trauma has an effect on our relationship, I am just saying that this particular issue I have with a lack of empathy seems to have been an issue for long before my current relationship. Does this lack of empathy apply to yourself too? In other words, do you lack any sense of self-empathy? I have to think about that... I can't say I feel like I fully understand what self-empathy would really entail?

Sorry but I'm confused, how do you disconnect the two? How is what we are willing to give not tied to what we expect to receive? Where is the separation? Obiously her trauma has an effect on our relationship, I am just saying that this particular issue I have with a lack of empathy seems to have been an issue for long before my current relationship.

I have recently come to the conclusion that the reason for all of my long term relationships have largely failed due to my lack of empathy... Not sure where to start... I have always looked at things very logically and had a very hard time looking at things emotionally. Upon reflection I do believe that I feel disgusted when I see someone react emotionally to trivial things and I feel detached/uncaring when I see someone react emotionally to non trivial things. I am now 26 and have gone from long term relationship to long term relationship without much gap between then since the age of ~18 I do not have many friends, I have a few close friends who are of the libertarian mindset yet I don't feel like I can get them to really connect with me, ie: we participate in shared interests/hobbies yet never "connect" on any sort of deeper level. My current relationship is by far the most successful so far, we have been together for almost 2 years now & have lived together for most of that time. I love her very much, and she is the first woman I have ever felt like I could spend the rest of my life with. When we have an argument, I try very hard to be specific and calm about what it is that I am upset about. Part of this extra cautiousness is in part because she has a hard time not taking any problem as an attack on her. ie: Last night we had family over for Fathers Day and were having a great time but during casual conversation I became irritated when she made a disparaging comment about my interest in libertarianism. The context of which was that I had asked her about her earlier mention of getting a speeding ticket earlier in the day while I was at work. I asked if she had admitted guilt to the officer, wondering if we could fight it in court. She became evasive and clearly irritating by my asking this question and lashed out in response by saying something to the effect of "we don't want to listen to your libertarian stuff right now" and changed the subject... I was floored... I felt embarressed and angry that she would say something like this to me in front of other people, libertarianism/philosophy etc is a big part of my identity... I kept quiet for an hour or so not wanting to cause a scene with guests around but made the mistake of confronting her about how I felt when we were alone in the kitchen away from the guests, she blew up, became very upset, said that she felt like I had been interrogating her and that she was embarressed to be talking about the ticket in front of the guests, I apologized saying I had no idea that she didn't want to talk about it She wouldn't let it go, flew into a whole thing about how I hadn't even thanked her for making the dinner for everyone while I had been at work, (which is accurate) I explained that I had thought about that but was trying so hard not to be upset at her earlier comment that it was very hard for me to be in a caring/loving/thankful mood. I feel like we should have at this point been able to come to a mutual understanding about the miscommunication, apologize and move on, but no, I became resentful that I felt like I had starting the conversation mentioning that I had been upset with her offensive statement earlier and yet now felt like I was the one that needed to be apologizing and comforting in order to resolve the now "argument" This is a common occurance in arguments with me, not just in this relationship, I was reflecting on this very deeply last night after the argument and the best way I can describe it is that during/after an argument I can think in my head what I should be saying to "fix" things/change the mood etc but I feel like there is concrete in my throat, and no matter how hard I try I just can't say anything productive in terms of emotional repair, this block seems to subside with significant amounts of time to cool down after an argument but a lot of escaltion or damage can be done in the mean time... I have had one past girlfriend describe me to her parents as "emotionally abusive" and one past girlfriend accuse me of "not knowing what love is" My current g/f has said that she thinks I am going through a phase of pridefullness that she also went through at my age (she is 4 years older) I really want this relationship to work, I really want to get over this block I have when it comes to empathy... PS (I had another thread a few months ago where I talked about the abuse that my g/f suffered as a child that provides some context as well @ http://board.freedomainradio.com/forums/p/38692/300874.aspx )That said, I believe her abuse and her own challenges are separate from my own lack of empathy issue, since I have had this issue in previous relationships)

He often has referenced people before him and analyzed good parts and bad parts of different philosophies. He doesn't every time, for this would at best be absurd. Stef often tries to remind people in conversations of the fact that he is an amateur when applicable (to a bit of an annoying extent, though I believe I understand why). When it comes to arguments of truth, his personal qualities are irrelevant to whether things are true or not. These things have been addressed on a number of occasions, not to mention that Stef is available for conversation any Sunday show or other conversation. These have pretty much been my responses as well, I certainly haven't listened to every podcast, but I have listended to well over 100 at the least, however a lot of the critics here seem to immediately launch into how the "defoo" ideas are questionable to them, maybe it's because I have been listening mostly to the more recent podcasts? but I had to actually look up this word to see what people were talking about, saw the website that claims that Stef is a cult leader and blah blah but I just don't see it... I have never heard Stef advocate for someone to cut off their family if they aren't overtly abusive. Am I missing something?

I am currently attending an IHS seminar in Orange, CA all this week. http://www.theihs.org/summer-seminars/libertarian-visionaries I attended a similar seminar last year put on by IHS and was dissapointed that almost no one had heard of Stefan Molyneux and FDR. This year is very different, there are a great many people who are very aware of Stefan & FDR (some say they have served on panels with Stefan) However... There don't seem to be a lot of fans... This has caught me off guard, I guess I have been in a bit of an FDR bubble for awhile... I have been trying to flesh out the specific criticisms... The most frequent seems to be a distaste for Stefs supposed lack of credit given to those who came before him and played significant roles in assisting him in developing his beliefs and ideas.ie: Earlier philosophers The second most frequent seems to be a personal distaste for a perceived lack of humility, a perceived Some have gone as far as saying the various tenants of Stef's thoughts are actually incorrect and pointed me toward various counter UPB criticisms etc.ie: http://mises.org/misesreview_detail.aspx?control=383 I would love to get some input from those who know more than I on this issue!

What about her/the relationship is worth it? Well, I am in love with her... We spend quite a bit of time together at home in the eveninings, we have both expressed that neither of us are interested in any type of long distance situations, meaning neither of us will take any career paths that would require great distance or great time apart on a regular basis. What does this mean to me? I love that she... Is independent, doesn't "need" me in an unhealthy way (not needy or dependent) she "wants" to be with me, this is a nice change compared to many of my past relationships. Is able to handle business/life without my constant input/protection, she asserts herself and calls me out when I am wrong. I feel that we compliment each other's strengths and weakness'. She is very motivated and determined when it comes to getting work done, yet can be overly impulsive when it comes to dealing with day to day problems. I tend to put a high priority on my free time and prefer to work very hard part time rather than work moderately hard full time, I am very calm and calculating when it comes to dealing with day to day problems. We both want kids, likely in a few years, we have spoken about my being the primary caretaker, perhaps work part time and focus on raising the children. These are the first things that come to mind =)

Yes, I have realized this to an extent, sometimes when she makes a mistake or miscommunication and I catch it, yet it isn't anything serious, I will neglect to point it out or correct it because I know it's not worth it lol I think I have heard this referred to as the key to a happy marriage? lol Yet of course some arguments will still take place now & then.

Hard to say, I don't think she has much if any resentment towards me in terms of helping her and here is why... I realized very quickly in the beggining of our relationship just how independent and strong willed she is (I am the same way) so I have conciously kept myself in a hands off position when it comes to her dealing with her past. My only consistent influence has been my exposing her to the FDR podcasts, and even with these I will ask if she is interested in listening to one before I play one in the house, and I only engage her in discussion on the podcast/her past if she starts the conversation. As for my being in therapy, I had a pretty decent childhood/upbringing with pretty decent parents, no physical or verbal abuse, having thought a lot about my upbringing while listening to podcasts, I think the most damaging elements of my childhood was that my father was almost stabbed to death by an employee that he fired when I was in third grade. He ended up being okay but it caused me to pull away from him as a kid. I did go to 1 year of therapy after high school after taking a psychology class that peaked my interest, the therapist thought that I had pulled away from a relationship with my father as a self defense mechanism, essentially to make it less painful if I were to loose him. Once an adult I have made good progress in reestablishing a relationship with my father, it seems to be difficult for both of us and is an ongoing effort. As for therapy with the g/f. I have let her know that I am absolutely willing to go with her if she felt like that is what she wanted to do. We haven't talked about it too much because I don't want her to feel like I am forcing her in any way. As for my past relationships, I have never been with someone with so much childhood damage, this is uncharted territory for me. I am not typically the person that goes out of my way to help others, I am very independent & self reliant; that said, I believe this relationship is very much worth the effort required to make it work.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 1 1/2 years now. We live together and are making many long term plans together. Her childhood consisted of a father who was incredibly abusive, physical/verbal/emotional towards her mother, in front of the kids. (Has mentioned that she remembers her dad dragging her mother across the house by her hair). Her father was in/out of prison & eventually killed in a motorcycle accident. (Not sure what age g/f was at the time, I believe early teens) Her mother was mostly verbally/emotionally abusive with infrequent physical abuse consisting of hard slaps to the face during arguments. My g/f was very overweight during her childhood due to her mothers extremely poor choices of food. (Nothing but frozen junk food in the house). When she got to high school age she had more freedom to choose her food and lost almost all the weight. My g/f moved away from her mother after high school to be with her Navy boyfriend, they ended up getting married. They got divorced ~apx 4 years later. The main reason she has given me was that she couldn't handle him being deployed for 1/2 year - 3/4 year at a time. She has had several (~2) somewhat long term relationships (1-2 years) since the divorce. Both of these previous relationships she has described as being relatively unhealthy in that she felt like the guys were taking advantage of her. (ie: financially, emotionally) She did go to therapy for apx 1 year many years ago after leaving her mother. However she describes it as being a waste. She says that she felt like the therapist only told her things she already knew and she felt it wasn't worth the money. I often listen to FDR podcasts in the house and she has stated that she enjoys them. I have made sure that I never tell her what to do when it comes to her mother, (they have some phone contact, once every week or two) she used to drive up to see her every few months however since we've been together she has decreased this to the point of almost never, if I had to guess, at this rate, she will only see her once a year. She has stated that the podcasts have helped her realize that she can't help her mother, that only her mother can help herself. She does have a younger brother and sister that live with her mom (both young adults early 20's) that she keeps in more regular tough with. Fast forward to today. I love her very much, I want to do everything that I can to make this relationship work. We are having some difficulties. If/when we get into an argument, my g/f has a tendency to get very very defensive & self diminishing,ie: Making statements like "well I am so sorry, I didn't mean to be such a horrible person" sort of halfway sarcastic/destructive emotional statements that to me show a lot of deep insecurity... I try my best to keep the argument on track and specific to the particular issue and keep it as calm and localized as possible but this can be very difficult. Even when I succeed in this, the night if often ruined because she will be in such a bad mood for the rest of the night even if the argument is resolved. I apologize for the length of this post, I am trying to shorten the explanation but there is obviously a lot of relevant context here... I guess I am just looking for help... I love her, I really want us to work, I have had several long term relationships and this is the first girl I felt I could marry and have kids with, I know that might sound a little off with everything I just summed up but keep in mind that I am only talking about the bad in this post, and there is tons and tons of good for every ton of bad in our relationship. I don't feel this is a lost cause. Recently I have been suggesting that she consider trying therapy again, but she doesn't seem very interested, I know that if I really pushed her to do so that she would for me/us but I know that's also not the way to go, I want her to want to go... Thank you in advance for any help!