[Applying RTR goes wrong]

Anna, I so appreciate reading about your journey in RTR, thanks for sharing.  The photo you've posted is just gorgeous!

 

 I agree with above comments about texting being not a good way to have this important convo.  And also that there was judgment in the "not caring" comment, certainly understandable but likely to get an emotionally charged reaction.  

 

I learned something in a course that might be helpful.  If you picture 3 concentric circles and visualize your relationships fitting into those based on these criteria:  The outer circle is all your acquaintances with whom you can't have discussions about real things, but for other reasons they remain in your life (colleagues, distant family, whatever); the 2nd circle are those who are closer, who have a general interest in the same things as you and you can from time to time "go there" in an authentic way, but context and delivery is going to be crucial; and then the Inner circle--those who you know share your passions in somewhat equal measure and are completely reciprocal--you are learning and teaching each other constantly, They are "evolved" relationships.

 

It sounds to me your sister is in circle 2, which will require of you much more patience and to actually be her teacher, if and when she explicitly invites this.

 

In the meantime I personally would write her a letter, and have someone good at these things, (like LP perhaps?!)  read over it before sending.

 

Bon courage!

Mishelle, great help! The concentric circles is something my therapist mentioned briefly- it helps. Overall, I definitely see where I've gone wrong.  LP, I'd be happy to chat sometimes

[Applying RTR goes wrong]

it does, I appreciate it

[Applying RTR goes wrong]

Xelent, I'm still figuring out the navigation here, but yes I was responding to you in the second part of the reply. Great advice regarding RTRing with myself. But I was just not sure how to go about having a "normal day" out with my sister. I would inevitable feel the need of discussing what happened as opposed to pretending it never did. But if I do, I would have to be honest, which would lead into RTRing with her...? Or would it be a good idea to just talk about trivial things and wait for her to bring it up? And when she does, then what do I say?

[Applying RTR goes wrong]

Thank you so much everyone! You've given me a lot to think about. 

And how did you respond when your sister asked you this?

I said I didn't know and that I was just expressing honestly what I was feeling

But surely we'd have to discuss what happened at some point. I feel like talking about anything else would be pretensive- it's an elephant in the room..but I'm not sure what to say to not bring out her defensiveness. Perhaps, I could say that I felt I made mistakes by not communicating properly and stating conclusions, which could have come as accusations and therefore I understand she felt defensive. But as soon as I think this, I feel resistance because I would be opening up and feeling vulnerable while she has a tendency to go on a blaming trip and hence feeling superior since I was "wrong" per se. 

 

Sorry to hear of your sisters reaction. It was certainly unjust of her. Not that you have any unchosen obligations to your sister Anna. But if you want to reconnect with her, then you should do so for as long as you want too.

 

In my experience there is much to learn from our relationships. But perhaps rather than RTR with her, that you should RTR with yourself. This would be a way of protecting yourself from her previous attacks. You could just have a normal day out with her and see what transpires. You can make mental notes of feelings as they arise, rather than challenge her immediately. You can try to make sense of them later in a journal or something.

 

Try and understand the pattern of feelings you experience when you're around her. If she opens up to you then you can decide whether it's genuine or a trap. Allow yourself to be in control of what you say. So you can always decline an offer to open up with a person, if you feel it wont be helpful or might lead to further attacks. If they are genuine then they will allow you this space. Hope that inspires as well as helps, all the best

[Questioning your Therapist]

No problem

 

There is a button on the top right (assuming it's not the mobile version) labeled "follow this topic". It has a couple options there. There is also a checkbox when you create a new thread at the top right again saying to notify me about new responses.

 

Also, what you can do is whenever you are on the boards, click on your name at the very top left of the page to bring up a drop down and choose "my content" which will show all the threads you've posted in and will be highlighted in bold text if there has been a response since the last time you checked it out.

 

It's not apparently obvious that you've gotten a reply to something you've written unless that person quoted you with a quote bubble. In which case you'll get a little "1" on the notification icon (the bell) at the top of the page (which you'll see since I've quoted you here).

Found it!

[Applying RTR goes wrong]

Hey Everyone,

 

Would appreciate your take on this:

 

My sister and I stopped talking after I decided to bring in honestly into our relationship as per RTR. I'm new to RTR concept and application, so I'm not sure if I've done it wrong or how I can reach out to my sister now. 

 

Briefly, this was the scenario about 3 months ago, and the whole chain took place over text messages: I was sick and my sister knew (we live separately), but she didn't check up on me, so I just shared with her that I felt sad and like she didn't care. I told her about wanting to be more honest and have a better relationship. First, she was curious and asked me what I wanted her to say to me, but the next day she completely freaked saying how dare I to say she doesn't care, and went of on a tangent about how "my" parents poisoned me and that I always hated her. I told her maybe I wasn't doing RTR correctly, but my intention was just to be honest and that she seemed angry and maybe we should continue when she's ready to talk, she was fine with that. 

 

So I reached out shortly after. I decided to be an example of RTR-ing and we got into a conversation about her mother (we have different mothers, same dad) and childhood. I tried to empathize and show support, then I asked her for feedback on it and if she saw the value. She said she felt like she was a psychologist's patient, and was confused why I was "doing it", and what was "wrong" in our relationship before that I had to "fix" it with RTR. She wanted me to talk about our previous argument, and I said that I felt anxious and (not saying that's what she was doing, but) I felt attacked and afraid to be open and vulnerable again. She started the accusations. I stated this was irrelevant and she was attacking, and that I felt frustrated. In the end, I asked her how she came to those conclusions/accusations, and she said "too much to type", so I was at the end of my wits and said "this was useless", and we haven't spoken since. 

 

Her boyfriend messaged me several times saying that he sees my sister's sorrow without me in her life, and that he would like us to mend. I don't know if it's true or if she's manipulating him to get me to reach out. 

 

I would like to have my sister back in my life, but what she said can't be unsaid, and even though she's also into personal growth somewhat, I'm questioning if there's any depth that I thought she had, or if she's sensible enough. She's also had a pretty rough childhood, and she hasn't learned the tools that I have. Actually, this reminds me- I mailed her RTR CD among other Stef's books as she has asked me- a rather kind gesture on my part. I cringed to send it, but felt it was for the better. 

 

Anyhow, my question is if anyone can suggest any strategies of reaching out and starting a conversation with my sister again? 

 

Thank you for reading my long background story!

 

Cheers,

 

Anna

 

 

[Questioning your Therapist]

Thanks Kevin, I'll bring it up with her in the next session

On another note, how do I get email notifications for these posts? I set it in the settings, but I didn't get anything- had to check manually.

[Questioning your Therapist]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just started therapy and had 2 sessions so far. I started journaling as part of my homework, where I express my thoughts and feelings, but also try to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, which my therapist does not want me to do. She says I wouldn't know if I'm right or wrong, but just judging myself, and that's bad. 

 

I like my therapist otherwise, but this isn't sitting well with me. Why can't I think of reasons and roots of my behaviour, is it that harmful?

 

Another question is on my therapist's approach. It is eclectic, but she defined the sensory-motor and art therapy techniques for me (some CBT also), which I'm happy with. So far we've had the general session identifying my goals, and the other where I coloured my emotional map on a body as in where in the body I feel specific emotions and my homework is to think of triggers for each emotion. Maybe it's too early, but I feel like we're moving too slow and I'm not getting any feedback. 

 

I would appreciate any thoughts, thanks!