[Considering online public school...]

They are 6 and 8.

[Considering online public school...]

That's very helpful, thank you.

[Considering Online Public School]

I posted this on the education forum, but though people are reading the post, no one is responding, so perhaps someone here has some thoughts.  

I've been homeschooling for the past 4 years and am considering switching to an online public school. However, being anti-state, as most of us on here are, I have my reservations.

As a single-working-homeschooling parent I am interested in the tuition free aspect as well as the structure and input from others who are more knowledgeable in certain areas where I am lacking. Additionally, through the public school option the kids have access to all public school extra curricular activities in my area. However, like I said, I have reservations regarding enrolling in a "public school" even if it's done at home. Am I just being paranoid? I've read many reviews that are across the spectrum. Does anyone here have any experience in either Connections Academy or K12.com? I appreciate any help.

I am happy to answer any questions that you may have.  

[Considering online public school...]

I've been homeschooling for the past 4 years and am considering switching to an online public school. However, being anti-state, as most of us on here are, I have my reservations.

As a single-working-homeschooling parent I am interested in the tuition free aspect as well as the structure and input from others who are more knowledgeable in certain areas where I am lacking. Additionally, through the public school option the kids have access to all public school extra curricular activities in my area. However, like I said, I have reservations regarding enrolling in a "public school" even if it's done at home. Am I just being paranoid? I've read many reviews that are across the spectrum. Does anyone here have any experience in either Connections Academy or K12.com? I appreciate any help.

I am happy to answer any questions that you may have.  

[I need parenting advice....Help]

Mellony, for some excellent resources and tools start with the books "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, And How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" & "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" both by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. These books will give you the exact answers you're looking for. But don't forget, once you learn the skills, use them.

Of course, Stef also has a plethora of excellent podcasts on how to treat your children. If you really want to make things right these are your starting points.

[When do you draw the line with the other parent?]

 

If you don't mind what might appear as nitpicking, I'd like to offer a word of caution. This quote here is you taking ownership for something that you identify as defective. It's likely more accurate that you were once subjected to abuse that required you to not address it outside yourself for the sake of self-preservation. This is really important because by owning it, you're letting whomever is actually responsible off the hook. In order to do that, you have to make excuses for them. At which point, you risk allowing those same excuses for yourself, which would only perpetuate the cycle.

 

 

 

 

That is rough. In the running dialogue, have you been up front with them about your responsibility for his abuse in their life?

 

It seems like a bit of a contradiction for them to understand the differences, yet long for the abusive environment. I'd wager that the 8 yr old is probably old enough to process the data linked to being exposed to smoking while they still have developing lungs. Same with the junk food diet, which I suspect might be part of a bribery. Or maybe I'm projecting. My parents divorced early on and I remember my father took advantage of having us less often than my mother by bribing us with perpetual fun (mostly). I too couldn't see the abuse that was there past the laughs and the happy meals. Of course I didn't have anybody reasoning with me, so they might not be comparable.

 

I hope when your daughter clams up, you try and let her know that it's important to you that she's always free to talk with you about anything and everything. Obviously this isn't the kind of lesson that she can be told, it has to be demonstrated. For example, let's suppose the constant struggle you've had with their father is something he has already used to try and make them think you're manipulative. This would certainly inspire in your daughter a hesitation in being honest if there are perceived effects she would rather avoid. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you haven't already realized, but it's worth mentioning as it's just so important.

Thanks I appreciate the input!

Would it make sense to offer the father lesser degrees of visitation?

 

I think the situation is clearly abusive, so does that warrant total restriction, or is there a happy-medium? Perhaps supervised visitation or leaving the kids with someone you can trust while he is around?

 

Besides keeping them safe, which is priority #1, I'm thinking the example set for the kids would be "when someone is abusive, you distance yourself. If it's someone who is important to you or can be helpful to you in life or the relationship can be repaired, don't be too quick to eliminate them altogether".

 

Is that too soft of an approach? I feel like I wouldn't suggest this if he wasn't their father, but instead was some abusive uncle or something. Am i being illogical?

 

No this seems like a logical solution.  I have been considering it.  I expect that he would throw a fit and not cooperate, but I'd be willing to take that chance.  There are some other hold ups such as where my children and I would stay in that area.  I wouldn't be able to rent a two day hotel every month and he wouldn't be willing to pay for it.   If I can figure this out, I'd like to give it a try.

[When do you draw the line with the other parent?]

I made this same excuse for my father for the longest time. I also used this excuse for not giving my mother full credit even after I realized she was abusive. It assigns an analog evaluation to something which is fundamentally moral or immoral. Essentially bypassing the moral consideration. The reason this is a problem is because, what if he takes a step further down the wrong path? It would be easier to say "he's only taken 3 steps instead of 4." Then he takes another step and it's "he's only taken 4 steps instead of 5."

 

 

I often tend to justify.  : (

 

 

 

The problem is that it sounds as if the time to pull the plug on such things would've been awhile back. The children may have normalized these things by now. I bring this up because my first inclination was to recommend talking to the children. Get their thoughts and interpretations. See if they notice the difference between (for example) their diets in the two places. Whether or not they can recognize the value of the short term pleasure versus the long term side-effects. However, if there were years of inaction (from their perspective; I know you've mentioned an ongoing struggle) and they're being bribed by junk food, they may not understand how harmful the environmental disparities are.

 

I have had a running dialogue with the kids about it for years now.  They have a very good understanding of what is different and what is healthy and what is detrimental.  But...they love their dad.  And they miss him when they're away.  My daughter is starting to clam up when I start asking about what goes on.  She knows the problems and is afraid of "losing" her dad and all of that family.  I've felt the same way about my own abusers, so I can understand.

 

 

 

I don't think allowing them to be abused 1/4 of the time is worth any monetary compensation.

 

Right.  I do agree.

 

 

 

I hope this was helpful and I appreciate your sensitivity and honesty in this. If I could, I'd certainly choose you for a mom over the one I had.

 

Thank you.

[When do you draw the line with the other parent?]

I need some serious advice, here is the situation:

 

I have two children, ages 6 and 8.  The father and I separated in November of 2009.  The problem is my ex and his parents (with whom he lives) and his sister (whom they spend a lot of time with when they are in his care) provide a living situation that is very unhealthy, aggressive and abusive.  Some examples:

 

Discipline-

*Spanking, at times with implements (I was recently made aware of an incident in which the aunt spanked my daughter with a paint stir-stick  because my daughter blew out a candle)

*Time-outs over things like: asking what time it is repeatedly

*Extensive yelling

*And, I believe, one or both of them has been slapped in the face at least once for "mouthing off"

 

Medical-

*My daughter has moderate persistent asthma.  Both the father and grandfather smoke around them, including in the car and he may not be making sure that she takes her medicine.  He tells me often that "she doesn't need that stuff" and "she doesn't have asthma".  He's also of the belief that if you don't speak the illness over her then God will ...idk ...wipe it away?  pretend it never happened?  (Still not sure on what his view of this is, I mean if you don't acknowledge someone is sick you can't expect God to heal them?????)

Furthermore, her doctor is confident that her dosages of her steroid inhaler could be cut in half if he would stop smoking around her.  Prednisone is known to cause many bad side effects that would be avoided or at least decreased with a lower dosage.

 

Diet-

Pretty much all sugar all the time.  Purple drank, McDonalds, massive amounts of candy, chips, and sweets, etc..

 

Other dangerous/aggressive situations-

*They often do not use child safety seats in the car or do not install them properly, they often load six (7 years and under) kids in the back seat of a car

*My son (then 5) was often allowed to ride in the front seat of "daddy's race car"

*When a tooth is lose, the grandmother takes it upon herself to yank it out, whether it is ready or not, causing much pain and bleeding.  This has happened to each of my children.

*While they are at their father's they spend extensive time with their many cousins. All but one of these cousins (there are a total of, I think, 8, maybe more) are physically violent, verbally aggressive and constantly bully my children.

*I was told that sometimes the kids are left alone for the older one to watch the younger one.  (This was denied by both the father and the grandmother.  But my daughter and son both told the story...)

*The children are permitted to watch hours and hours of television, and are even subjected to violent/scary adult movies.  (There was a specific incident last summer where they watched a horror movie and were so terrified that they couldn't sleep in their own beds for about a month.)

*The family is very religious and the children are punished (spanking/timeouts) if they don't pray before meals or if they say anything about not believing in God, etc.

 

I'm sure the first question will be, "Have you addressed these issues?"

Yes.  I have.  Repeatedly and over many years.  Many of these problems were present even in the toddler years.  I have tried addressing these issues peacefully in person, on the phone, and in writing.  I am always dismissed.  He always has some BS response that doesn't even address the issue that I'm trying discuss.  He tends to respond with non-answers that are so nonsensical that I have no idea what he's talking about, and then he just ends the conversation.  When we were together, he told me over and over in such conversations, "I don't communicate."  OR he'll cut me off and start attacking me.  "Do wanna know what the kids say about you?"  "Yes!  If I'm doing something wrong I want to know!"  "Forget it."  Repeat.  Repeat.  End conversation.  (Yes, that was a real conversation.)

I have tried presenting him with pamphlets and have emailed data, statistics, and case studies on smoking, the use of car seats, asthma, diet, and why a four year old shouldn't be driving a four-wheeler.  He refuses to read them.  His response is usually along the lines of, "I don't believe in that stuff."  "You gotta have faith."  Etc...

 

I have been counseled by those close to me and the situation (including other peaceful parents and another FDR listener) to cut him off and not allow him to have the children any more.  But...I'm having a hard time with that choice.

 

I can't deny that the situation is dangerous, abusive, and neglectful, and anything but peaceful.  But I still question: do I have the right to keep the children from their father?  I want to say yes...I'm doing this for their good!  But let's be honest, I'm the one that chose the man, we started dating, got engaged and then pregnant in a three month whirlwind, and then stayed with him for 4 1/2 years despite affairs and complete emotional distance....I've fucked up a lot.  I've made some really stupid choices...so...I don't exactly trust my own judgement.  I'm also stuck on this idea of "it's not that bad...he loves them...he doesn't beat them."  I'm constantly comparing it to my childhood which was an extreme example of all types of abuse and severe neglect.  I can't picture them ever getting a broken bone from their father...but then again, they could be decapitated by an air bag if they sit in the front seat. ...So... I don't know!  I'm confused.  I can't go back and change any of my past stupid choices, but I want to make the absolute best choices for my kids from here on out.

 

So, my question to you enlightened FDR listeners: is it more dangerous to my children to cut their father out or to allow him to continue as is, seeing as he won't change.

 

 

FYI, due to the fact that we live in different states, the kids spend every fourth week with him.  I homeschool them (a point of contention between he and I) and they eat a very healthy diet here.  I am working very hard on overcoming my own childhood issues and have committed myself to peaceful parenting.  I've been weeding out every aggressive or poisonous person from my life, so there are very few people for them to be damaged by here.  I know that if I cut him out of their lives I wont be able to rely on him for child support, which we finally got settled out of court after a long and frustrating process.  I probably will have no choice but to go back to work full time, which I have done for most of their lives, and life is soooo much better when I can stay home and actually focus on their school and general well being.  So, I feel like that may be something to weigh in on as well...if they have to suffer further damage because I'm working full time, does that really help them?

 

I'm happy to answer any more questions, but I tried to be thorough.

[Why is my kid more violent when I eschew violence?]

PheePhyPhoPhum: is there a book or a paper on Peaceful Parenting from Stef? Could you send me the link or where is it located. I cannot find it. Thank you.

I like to recommend the book "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family" and "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So They'll Talk" both by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish

I was introduced to these books before I'd heard of Stef but I admit I hadn't really focused on them until right after I started listening to him.  It was like, "OMG!  I knew I could do better!  Now let me make it happen!"  These two books are really good about showing how the principles of peaceful parenting can be implemented in real life.  They also focus on families that didn't start as peaceful parents, so all the bad habits are being destroyed and slowly replaced by the good stuff.  Both books can be found cheap on Amazon.

[Infant ear piercing (need advice ASAP)]

That's tough.  When my daughter was a baby her dad wanted me to get her ears pierced. I was very much against it, and a large dispute with me pitted against him and his family. As it turned out, I put my foot down and now she's nearly eight with fully intact ears.  She began asking to have her ears pierced around age 4.  I told her that when she turned 8 she could have it done.