ErinGo

Yeah, Mysterion, it hurt a lot, but not right away and then it went away. I doubt it's always like that. I had a La Leche League coach and she gave me lanolin to apply and that helped and she said I was doing it right and recommended I keep going and that it would get better pretty quick. She was right. I don't know if there is any sure-fire way to avoid it. If I did, I would have tried it! My sister had an issue nursing one of her kids immediately. It really really hurt. Luckily, she had prior experience and knew something was wrong. Turned out that the kid was "tongue-tied". The medical term for the condition known as tongue-tie is “ankyloglossia”. It results when the frenulum (the band of tissue that connects the bottom of the tongue to the floor of the mouth) is too short and tight, causing the movement of the tongue to be restricted. <<<< I looked that up and copy/pasted. Anyways, the doctor clipped the frenulum and the problem was solved. I think any 1st timer is going to be a little shocked the first time they nurse. It's pretty intense. Maybe that's one way I was lucky to have my 1st child so young. I had "needs support" written all over me and so I never had to ask for help or advice - it was poured on by the bucketful whether I liked it or not. I was fortunate in many ways. The hospital I went to had recently redone their whole maternity ward. They didn't make you share a room with other moms, they had a bed for the dad to stay and sleep over in, they had nursing coaches and regular baby nurses who taught feeding and changing and swaddling, etc. They even had a free breakfast buffet in the ward for the dad's so that they didn't have to leave or go to the cafe in the morning. After I was released, a visiting nurse came over in a few days for a check-up and since the hospital always has a baby nurse 24/7, I could call the maternity ward any time of the night. I was lucky to have a ton of information and support and encouragement. I think that's really key and every new mother needs it but not everyone gets it.

Excellent! I never understood the excuse of "convenience" that I've heard. Breast milk is the ultimate convenience food and always on tap. Nevermind trying to sanitize bottles, worrying about spoilage on days out of the house or lugging around more stuff than you need, mixing or warming up formula while you're 1/2 conscious at 3:00 am, recalls, panicky shopping because you ran out, etc. With breastfeeding, you're always prepared and a broken down car or other disaster isn't going starve your baby. The pain thing is real, I experienced it and know from my friends, family & coaching that it is real. I'm sure it doesn't always happen, but I experienced cracked and bleeding nipples that hurt just to touch and were excruciating from the baby's REALLY STONG suckle. This was with coaching and assurance that the latch wat OK. But, it's almost like wearing new shoes. It's fine at first, builds up to an OMG level and just when your about to throw the towel....it heals suddenly and becomes completely pain-free. That is my personal experience, so it was great, then tolerable, then awful, then suddenly great again.....all in less than a month. I completely recommend sticking it out through the tough spot, the payoff is huge and the transformation from peak painful to totally painfree was amazingly fast, just days. My 3rd child was born with a birth defect that required a feeding tube. Breast and bottle were both out of the question. (She's fine now, surgery fixed it) I extracted milk as long as I could keep up production but could not produce much for long without actually nursing. I totally mourned that. Not being able to nurse was a terrible loss after experiencing the pleasure and bond that it created before. If you don't know what you're missing, doesn't mean you're not missing out.

That video is completely disturbing and of course the comments section is too. Cathy Dodge October 15, 2013 at 2:46 pm The story is confusing. The woman who reported and filmed her ex-boyfriend hitting his kid, what, did he invite her over to film it? Where was the alleged “current girlfriend,” who was charged with aiding the abuse? I don’t see her in the video. And, if you were being filmed hitting a child, would there even be evidence? Something is wrong with this story. If Miley Cyrus had a few spankings in her teens, maybe she would be a role model today, instead of a floozy. I do not condone kicking a child by the way, I was disciplined as a pre-teen with the belt a couple of times…my dad’s spanking hand on my fanny a couple of times, and the back of a hairbrush once on the behind. Never in the face. When my teen daughter came home 1 hour late from school and I questioned her, (after fearing something had happened to her) she smugly told me it was “no big deal”, and I slapped her face, yes I did. Knocked her right off her feet. She is 30 years old today, and thanks me for teaching her respect. She has 4 children now, and they are great kids. She is a wonderful mom. What this policeman did was wrong, because he knew he was being filmed, and he kicked his kid.

I'll be the devil here. We have cable TV in the living room with a PS3 and a DVR. In my son's room, he has cable (limited channels without the super box we have in the livingroom) and a PS3. In my daughter's room, plain TV with no antennae or cable, hooked up to DVD player, Wii and another PS3. In my bedroom another plain TV hooked up to an AppleTV device. We have a laptop that lives on the kitchen table for family use but is moved away for mealtimes. I have an iPad for MY EXCLUSIVE USE - DON'T TOUCH IT!!! (I'm not yelling, I'm emphasizing). Sounds crazy, I know! So how are we all doing? We're OK. My husband and I both work full time during the day and the kids are at school. They do their homework before any electronics. If it is nice enough out, they can play outside before doing homework. (It gets dark too quick to do homework 1st if you want to spend enough time outside). We usually have dinner around 7 and I give the kids a few reminders that dinner is almost done. Whoever is using the laptop just naturally just has to stop so the table can be used and everyone else is naturally drawn to supper. Everybody in the house reads books, my son and I tend to read in big chunks and with the ability to be unaware of cannon fire while doing so. My husband and daughter are more able to put aside a book, but both still enjoy it. The kids spend ALOT of time on the computer and PS3 playing games. They like Minecraft and Roblox and stuff like that. (Oh yeah, I forgot that they both have handheld Nintendo DS). My son LOVES to watch video game walk throughs on YouTube - he laughs like a nut. He also likes to Google whatever he's interested in at the moment. My daughter is more interested in animal videos and games. My husband loves video games and I'm an info junkie and that came before the kids were born. Having and using all this stuff was not some conscientious and reasoned decision. It was already habitual before the kids came along and has just progressed to this level. Don't think for a moment that we actually bought all of this stuff, my mom totally hogged the Atari when I was little and gives electronic gifts for any excuse and games are easy gifts for everybody else (I have a big family). Alright, so now you know we're abnormal. What is the result? So far, Ok. I wish my son was more coordinated. His large motor skills are not graceful for a 12 year old. He just turned 12 and he is still quite small and puberty hasn't started yet (not a side effect of anything but nature) I expect that will make a difference when it happens. Even when he was a toddler, he would hang back and observe for at least 15 minutes before joining other kids on playgrounds in physical games. He's very cautious. Socially, he's not very observant of cliques etc. As in, they exist in sixth grade, but that dynamic is just not on his radar. He's well liked and has been treated very well in school by his classmates and teachers. He's a nice little guy who is a little introverted but he warms up and I get compliments on his manners and sweetness and intellect and sense of humor. He IS the kind of kid that will forget routines and do stuff like sitting down at his desk without putting up his coat or sometimes wander around aimlessly when everybody else is preparing. Other people describe him as the absent minded professor. He tests out in top percentiles in math and reading. My 9 yr old daughter is also doing well socially and academically but is more of a risk taker and clown. She's a very good artist and louder and more assertive. If she comes inside all pissed about something the neighbor kid did, she will shut the door in the girl's face tomorrow with "I don't want to play with you". But, like my son, kind of skips off unconcerned. She often asks how my day went and she likes to help out around the house, especially with the pet chores. If anything, her faults would be impulsiveness, but it's so minor as not to be a fault. What do I think about getting a TV? I think your child will be fine either way. At her age, it becomes background noise unless it's limited. Given in limited doses, it's RIVETING! That can be useful. I read something some guy said about growing up without TV. He still doesn't enjoy it as an adult on his own, but watches socially with other people. He said that it is hard to pay attention to his friends when it is on and that the commercials make it impossible. When everybody else takes a commercial break to chat or get snacks, he can't pull his attention away. This makes me giggle because I remember when my kids were toddlers, they would ignore the box and play but commercials would snap them to instant attention (no matter the product). My mom also said that when I was little, I only watched the commercials. (I only remember watching the Great Space Coaster and Sesame Street and Richard Simmons and Bob Rossi at that little age). I'm embarrassed for going on so long now that I reread it. I'm not anti-TV, obviously. But I really think it is fine to skip it and maybe better. I consume the least TV in the house and shut the damn thing off every time I notice I'm alone with it and not watching.

John: My girlfriend is a teacher. She is always complaining that the children of today have no respect. Not for their parents or parent(in many cases), not for their teachers or anyone in authority and not for themselves. There is NO discipline that sets parameters of acceptable behavior. They realize that the consequences are not anything to worry about. In their mind, if they don't agree with the teacher they can tell that teacher to go f*** themselves. There comes a point when "time out" has no bite. When taking away electronics or treats or whatever the kid loves has no effect. Why do drill instructors use intimidation to mold wise ass punks into professional soldiers? Why don't you speed 90 MPH in a 35 MPH zone? Fear. Fear of a ticket. Fear of screwing up. Fear of receiving a few swats on the bottom. When I was young, I didn't talk back to my mother because it was wrong. I didn't talk back because I didn't want my bottom to be red. Later on I understood that talking back was disrespectful. My son is a very different child than I was. I've spanked him probably three times in his brief ten years. Each time wasn't done in a fit of rage. I wasn't yelling at him. It was two or three swats to get his attention and to send a message that he really screwed up. You don't wanna spank your kid, fine. You wanna "use your words" fine. What works for some may not work for others. As a child, I would have drove Dr. Phil to drink heavily. That time out bit would have never changed my rebellious behavior. My point is, just because you don't agree with a certain parenting style doesn't mean it's wrong. My son loves his father as I love mine. KK: Fear isn't the kind of feeling you want to inspire in your children or students. Children can grow up and choose to be professional soldiers but that is a choice they make as adults. Children don't choose to be children, they just are and teaching them that fear and respect is the same thing is how to make sheep. John :Do you allow a small child to touch a hot burner? No. They don't know any better. You tell them NO in a stern voice to send a message that it will hurt them if they do. Consequences. Without consequences that clearly divert unacceptable behavior children will grow up without respect. Maybe time out works for you and that's great. But to judge another parent cause they do things different is shallow. You don't have to agree. But to criticize a different parenting style of your own is in my opinion naïve. Deb: There is a huge difference between a spanking and hitting. Hitting is abuse. Spanking is given to discipline. It should be done in love, not in anger. Children know they are loved when they have clear boundaries. And a spanking is not in order every time a child disobeys. It should be only one of many disciplinary actions. Verbal direction, no t.v, no electronics, no socializing with friends for a time. But sometimes a smack on the behind is the most effective. Wow, Erin....you know how to get a conversation going. KK: What if your wife screws up? Can you spank her as long as she knows you love her? Deb: Nope. Big difference there. John: Yes. But just enough to not leave any bruises. My gf screws up all the time and I spank her repeatedly. I think she enjoys it though Erin: Since about 80% of parents hit their children, I don't think it's fair to say a lack of corporeal punishment is the cause of these "bad" children. Wouldn't it be the other 20% raised in peaceful homes that were bad? It doesn't add up. I am not being shallow, nor have I insulted anybody. If you feel defensive, it has nothing to do with me. I was pointing out that hitting kids is violence and there is nothing wrong with me bringing this up so that other people can tumble the thought around in their heads or so that we can discuss it. John, why were you such a bad kid if the spankings were working? http://nospank.net/pt2011.htm "Researchers have also found that children who are spanked show higher rates of aggression and delinquency in childhood than those who were not spanked. As adults, they are more prone to depression, feelings of alienation, use of violence toward a spouse, and lower economic and professional achievement. None of this is what we want for our children." Alvin Poussaint, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School. From "Spanking Strikes Out" , 1999. Erin: "Many people initially respond to the evidence against spanking with skepticism. Some reject it outright. Some refuse to think about it or may even become annoyed or hostile because this information can awaken repressed feelings. Don't let that discourage you. There are others who want to know why the old familiar method for socializing children works so poorly. And there are those who already are raising their children without violence but need reassurance that they are on the right track. We are confident that some day soon civilized humanity will look back with astonishment and pity at the time when people believed hitting children was good for them." Erin: http://nospank.net/talbot3.htm http://nospank.net/talbot3.htmhttp://nospank.net/talbot3.htm The Debate on Spanking is Deadnospank.net The most substantial indicator of this development is evidenced by the fact that... virtually every professional organization in the U.S. and Canada concerned with the care and treatment of children, has taken a public stance against the practice of spanking. 　 Erin: If anybody gives a shit, this is what set me off this morning and I cannot believe that pointing out that spanking is violent is MORE controversial. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/.../R2Y7T7wo5cI/s1600/spanking.jpg http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kvuo-rcPMZY/UB3mG0928iI/AAAAAAAAC-Y/R2Y7T7wo5cI/s1600/spanking.jpghttp://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kvuo-rcPMZY/UB3mG0928iI/AAAAAAAAC-Y/R2Y7T7wo5cI/s1600/spanking.jpg Erin: John, you say you didn't talk back to your mother because you understood it was wrong, but because you didn't want a red bottom and that later you understood that back talking was wrong. It seems pretty bad to me to smack someone who can't yet comprehend the reason why what they've done is wrong, especially such a petty grievance. I'm surprised you didn't pull out the running in the street scenario instead. Fear and respect are not the same thing and I never want my children to fear me and demanding respect is futile. 　 KK: I can't ever recall being hit and there isn't anyone I respect MORE than my mother. 　 Kevin: Bottom line, we all have our preferences that have a really strong link to how we were raised. No of us want to think how we were raised was imperfect, but it is the truth. If dammage was done to us, we aren't ware of it until we learn another way, but we need to be willing to do so. In the end, we all still have our preferences. The problem with labeling any and all spanking as abuse, is that it does make it personal for those who dissagree (like it or not, the label applies to those who practice the behavior thus labeled). It changes from "What are the pros and cons of corporal punishment and other discipline techniques" to "If you choose to spank your child at all, you are an abuser, thus subject to the law" (research social services and DCF complaints). Defensiveness? Perhaps, but I think it reasonable. Bottom line, some parents spank their children appropriately with great success in the long term effect. Some parents never, under any circumstances, would spank them, with great success. Many do a miriad of things to their children with very poor success. Doing anything in anger creates problems (spanking or other), approopriate discipline with unconditional love proves the most effective for the long term emotional well being of children. 　 Erin: I haven't used the word abuse and I have tried not to be insulting. I know the picture is very provocative, that was the point. I'm not calling people monsters or calling for laws or DCF. I totally understand that there is black, white, and shades of gray. It's the shades of gray that we disagree on because in any issue it is the gray that needs clarification. It's not a matter of personal preference. Chocolate vs Vanilla ice cream is a matter of personal preference. The picture depicts hitting in all 3 frames. I don't look to the law for my moral ideas. The difference for me is not that 2 of the pictures show illegal acts and the third is legal. There is no difference except that the 3rd victim is a child and has no power to defend herself or remove herself. Her most important personal property, herself, her body, is being violated. She is being set up to accept that in the future. She is also being taught that violence solves problems. We've got teenagers killing teenagers because "he disrespected me". If she is truly unreasonable, unable to be reasoned with, she is handicapped. Hitting handicapped people is bogus and not socially acceptable. If she can't be reasoned with, how can she understand the reasoning behind the hitting? If she doesn't understand why she is being hit, then being hit is just some random violence coming from her caretaker out of the blue. The person she depends on to keep her alive is scary. If she IS capable of reason, hitting becomes unnecessary. If hitting is unnecessary, why do it? Because it's easier? because it's not that bad? Because other people expect you to? Because your impatient and demand immediate compliance? because you're really fucking pissed/insulted/scared? I think it's more like the gray areas haven't been cleared up. People hit their kids because they don't know what else to do. (Abusers not included here!) Without a model of peaceful parenting, without a close basis of comparison besides their own upbringing, without peers who speak their minds, etc. and add to that mix a general support (not just acceptance!) of it, and the natural inclination to stick to what you know, then we have a whole bunch of unenlightened spankers raising a future generation of spankers. (Unenlightened is not an insult and not meant as such!) I have presented my philosophy here and tried to support it with logic and evidence. If I'm shaking up anybody's shit here, that's not a bad thing. What you decide to do or how you feel about it is beyond my control. I can only recommend introspection, perhaps guided by talk therapy. (Again, not an insult or condescending - I have done therapy and will do it again). A bigoted idea (I know, another loaded word) is an idea that isn't based in fact, but in false conception. To not be tricked into bigoted thinking, we have to be exposed to truth and apply reason. This means we have to explore and consider ideas that aren't the one's we currently hold and then think critically about them and decide. Nobody learns anything in an ideological circle jerk. My ideas are unenforceable upon you, as yours are unenforceable to me. It's societal pressure and acceptance or rejection that turns the tide in societies behavior. I was truly shocked to see that pro-spanking post that triggered my post, and I put myself and my ideas "out there" in the hope that someone "out there" will pick up what I'm saying. Whether it's a parent who decides to look for alternatives, a victim who decides to break the cycle, or a supporter of the philosophy that feels silenced. 　 Aimee: My father NEVER raised his hand to me....And I listened to his words 　 Aimee: I'm not perfect. ..no kid is...but I respect my father 　 Kevin: Hey Erin, I understand you are not accusing anyone in particular. I do get it. The downside of people relying on media such as facebook, text and other forms of communication is that 80% of the messages we are trying to communicate are contained in our tone and body language, none if which is present with fonts produced by a keyboard. Your post, for me, is tied to a larger debate that is currently going on. I suspect that people's responses to it are heavily impacted by it. Being aware of what abuse it, what violence is, and quite honestly, what neglect is, in all it's degrees, is a good thing. First and foremost, thank you for sharing it. Though the larger, broader patterns in families are shared greatly by many (none of us are exceptions to the rule), our individual experiences are specifically unique to our own experience. All perspectives have valid positions to whatever degree. We need to sort most things out for ourselves based on our beliefs, circumstances and abilities. I roll along the lines of "I do want my children to be respectful (the traditional definition respectful). I wish never to have my children fear me, be it violence, conditional love, or perception of neglect on their part. A tough thing to achieve in a world where the shared values of the past are no longer shared by the world we live in. Rearing children is a far greater challenge in that respect these days than it used to be. 　 I really need to clean up my friends list!

I posted this as a status. My cousin probably didn't even notice it but I wish I could screen shot the comments! WOW! Maybe I'll go figure out how to use my laptop just for that. John: dislike. I got my ass smacked plenty and I thank my folks for it now. I have only spanked my son a few times over the last ten yrs but he knows it's a possibility 13 hours ago · Like.. Ben: Ya if you attack your children its abuse my dad spanked me as a punishment and that's what it was he told how many I was getting it stopped then and I never had to worry he was going to beat me to death ... there is a differents if your a good parent you know how to separate the two. 12 hours ago via mobile · Like.. Kevin: There is a difference. There may be dissagreement over ANY use of corporal punishment, which I understand, but to label it abuse is a stretch. A propper and rare spanking for discipline where other measures have failed, has been proven very succesful, with no negative emotional effects for the children if the punishemnt is applied reasonably (no beatings) and with love. If giving a spank is truly considered physical abuse, then so is criticism, inattentiveness, holding too tight, letting children learn lessons the hardest way, and failing to give them all they need to succeed in life. Point being, there is a difference between a beating and a spanking, maybe that is part af the problem? Jst saying. I have been spanked for cause, I have been beating for not; even as a child, I knew the difference. 10 hours ago · Like.. Erin (Me): I'm so sorry that happened to you all. Really. 7 hours ago · Like.. Ben: I'm not 7 hours ago via mobile · Like.. Erin: (whoops, can't push enter to skip to a new line) I am sorry that happened to you all. The common theme between the three pictures is violence. Spanking is hitting and I'm not going to use the euphamism anymore. Hitting is violence and that is the meaning of the picture. If this post is pushing buttons for you or picking at your scabs, I hope you will take some time to examine those feelings. A lot of us are not happy with the way things are going in this world. There is too much violence and too much "authority" and too much "respect" demanded by those "authorities" and enforced with violence. It's pretty much out of our control. We can control what happens in our homes and control whether or not we hit our children. I want my children to know without a doubt that they own their bodies. If anybody ever hits them or touches them in a bad way, I want them to be absolutely shocked and appalled and freak out. A child who has been hit doesn't feel that ownership over thier body. Our kids are really just lucky or unlucky to be born to whatever parents they get, they're like prisoners and have no choice in the matter at all. But it's immoral to hit our prisoners. I have some more to say, but not the time right this second. I hope that you guys will at least give what I have to say thoughtful consideration. 5 hours ago · Like · 1.. Kevin: Thanks Erin, I look forward to reading more. Buttons? Yes, but perhaps in a way that is other than internal guilt (the reasons most have button pushing responses). Violence in general, yes; far too much these days. 5 hours ago · Like.. John: Erin, respectfully I completely disagree. Using my own experiences and those of my 4 sisters and two brothers, physical discipline not only kept us in line but it taught us that real love is teaching your children that there are boundaries and every time you cross those, there are consequences. I didn't get spanked for every little thing, but if I disrespected my mother or talked back.. I was gonna catch hell. As an adult and a father now, I have a great appreciation for the wonderful job both my folks did. I hope I can mimic their example. 4 hours ago · Like.. David (My husband): I'm going to go home and beat the s*** out of my kids because I love them I want to teach them respect violence solves everything 3 hours ago via mobile · Like.. John: Maybe your dad should have bent you over his knee. Cause a smart mouth doesn't get you far. Maybe here in fb land.. but not in the real world 3 hours ago · Like.. Erin: *conversation devolving* 3 hours ago via mobile · Like.. John: Point taken. It is possible to have a thread without sarcastic bs. I've seen it. Again... respectfully agree to disagree 3 hours ago · Like.. KK (my daughter): Lol butthurt^ 2 hours ago via mobile · Like.. Erin: KK, Respect your elders (for no reason) or I'm gonna hit you and teach you respect. 2 hours ago via mobile · Like.. Erin: There's bound to be a whole lotta butthurt in a conversation about spanking. I really would like to try to keep this civil guys and gals. If we try to be funny, it can be seen as an attack. Also, not knowing exactly what each of us went through, we should try a little sensitivity. 2 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1.. KK: Go beat up the other two. They're reeaaallllyy bad cause you never do. 2 hours ago via mobile · Like.. Erin: BRB, dinner is ready 2 hours ago via mobile · Like.. Erin: OK, so let's all assume that none of us are sadists who gain pleasure from hitting kids. I'll take it a step further assume it is actually unpleasant for all involved. It would then be logical to look for an alternative. If people are already conditioned from childhood that there are times when no alternative exists then it would be illogical to look for one. We don't go looking for things we know aren't there. So, it's important to think critically about the beliefs we hold and examine them for truth and consider that some of our beliefs could be based on erroneous information or based only our own narrow experiences in the absence of contradictory evidence. A person isn't going to find alternatives that work if they don't look for them. So, I will first challenge the assumption that there are times where no alternative exists. 2 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

UGH, this despicable thing appeared in my FB feed this morning. Shared by my cousin with an "oh yes!". No wonder her daughter joined the navy.

Can you explain how applying NAP when dealing with children would cause human extinction "in no time at all". Feel free to apply a specific time period instead or switch to eventually if you must. I'm interested in what you mean and would like to see how applying NAP to children could result in extinction of the race ever?

There are similarities between being a stripper, prostitute, porn actor, web cam model, etc. That's obvi. There are some differences too. I had a friend who was a stripper and it's not the act of showing your boobs and getting a $ that is immoral. Boobs are great and pretty harmless. The whole scene was just horrible, though! She had to pay the club to be able to strip - never mind the $ they make in booze. The strippers were mean and violent to each other and stole anything they could get their hands on from each other, whether it was an eyeliner or $1000 or shoes, etc. They had fist fights and spent a lot of their tips on alcohol and drugs at the club. 1/2 of them WERE prostitutes. Outside security literally slept in their cars at the end of the night. Inside security had their hands full of wasted asshole strippers and wasted asshole patrons. Just a whole scene of degenerate douchebags coming together and getting fueled up with booze, drugs and sex. Doesn't bring out the best in already not so great people. She had some huge mental health problems going in and a HORRIBLE childhood. Now she's a coke head who abandoned her 1st 3 children and husband and then had 2 more with her drug dealer. We haven't spoken in years, but the "idea" of stripping is a lot different than the reality. Prostitutes are putting themselves at risk for STD's, exploitation, rape, murder. Plus, I'm sure their associates are not all that fabulous and are not good influences. I would hazard a guess that the drug habit comes before the prostitution for the most part, but it's possible that drugs are not a factor for some. I can't put myself in their shoes (sure as hell can't walk in them, lol). I can't imagine it being "just a job", seems awfully cold for intercourse. So sex is meaningless? How does that work out when you want to actually make love and feel something in your heart? I can't separate the love from the lovemaking and would never want to. It would break me. A lot of the same would go for porn actors. I guess the STD risk would be lower (not low) but there must be drugs, bad people, and risk of emotional harm. So, I guess I'm pointing at varying degrees of risk exposure. I don't know that I fully grasp the level of risk involved or if she does. Maybe I'm overblowing it, maybe she's underestimating it, maybe it's somewhere in the middle. It's not what I'd like her to do and I'm having trouble digesting the idea that it's worth the $$. What price tag would it take for ME to do it? I don't know, but I bet there is one, so out the window goes the morality thing for sure. So it's not the act itself, but it's out of character for her and unexpected, that in itself is reason for concern.

Hey, Chiwoojo,I am not sure if you are asking me to answer all that here or suggesting that I should explore it myself. You said you were curious, you can message me. No to sexual abuse or excessive household nudity. Her Dad and I never married and broke up when she was a baby. I got married a few years later and remain so. (Yeah, I know this opens up a whole 'nother avenue of exploration). There is no particular incident or habit that I feel guilty for, just a feeling that I *must* be responsible. She'd probably be pissed if I suggested she was being driven by something rather than acting on her own and reasoned choice and has already told me it is her own choice and her practical reasons behind it. Don't think I'm giving up now. I need to tread carefully for her sake. I was weak when I made this post and I really shouldn't have aired her dirty laundry (although, it did a lot of good; you guys are great). I need to respect her boundaries and I can't control her life and it will totally turn her off if she feels psychoanalyzed by me. I've been letting her know that I care and that I'm available and that I love her. I'm using the things I learn here to interact with her in a way that will hopefully help her. I've shared some of Stef's stuff with her and she's loving it. She could potentially end up here which makes me hope this post gets REALLY old.

WE BANISHED THE GORILLA! I am so friggin relieved and so is she. Thank you guys so much. I couldn't imagine a positive outcome before I came on here and I was anxious to the point of sweating and nausea before I called her today and then it went so well. She was immediately relieved when I told her I knew and we had a real open conversation. I don't know what to say, without recounting the whole conversation, I guess if it would help anyone specifically or you're dying of curiosity, you can PM me and I could try. I'm not trying to cop out or anything by being so short here, but I'm pretty happy right now and haven't fully digested it. Plus, I exposed quite a bit about her above and I'm not sure that was 100% right. The conversation we had was intimate and 2 sided and I'd have to describe her feelings which isn't the same as expressing my own. We certainly haven't resolved everything (and no, she didn't say she was quitting right this second) but I'm sure that she feels safe and able to talk honestly with me. I realize now too how much my fear of being rejected by her was driving my overall anxiety. I'm very glad that I dug a little deeper into Stefan's material than just his more "political" type videos and that I found the books, resources and support here. Sooner would have been better, but now is better than way too late.

I found a link to what Rollout was trying to help you visualize. It's a comic book, so that's pretty fun (and visual) http://freedom-school.com/money/how-an-economy-grows.pdf It's "How an Economy Grows and Why it Doesn't" by Irwin Schiff

You didn't stand to profit monetarily by offering him the item. I interpreted it as a gesture of kindness and could have been an overture of friendship. You were just being nice. Unless you misinterpreted his "ducking out" email, he wasn't accepting the gesture, just the item, and he was willing to apply pressure on you to get the item. That is not nice or friendly and that would have negated my desire to do him the favor. It feels good when you can help someone out or please them, but he transformed your favor into an obligation. You're not obligated to do favors. That would totally warp the meaning of favor. You would not have felt good after making the trade and since you weren't really getting any value out of it except for feeling good, he took the value out of the transaction. He took his "money" off the table first.

Kevin, do you mean what action will it take to have the good relationship, or what do I think a good relationship would be? As to rejection, I think I could only allay that fear by not rejecting her. I'm not even positive she has that fear except to the extent that we all do. I'd have to check with her and reassure her somehow. I would have to be careful that my reactions don't continue to include avoidance and be careful not to make her feel blamed for how she feels (especially after specifically asking her! Wow, that would be a betrayal! That makes me cringe)I can only earn her forgiveness if she is allowed to express to me what I've done wrong. Maybe I should think of an instance and bring it up for her and apologize and encourage her to talk about it and then she can see that I won't just shatter if she's critical of me. Like I said, she's a real sweetie and genuinely cares how I feel and might avoid triggering discomfort in me at her own expense. We're both sensitive and empathetic people. She's well tuned in to me and I think she'll need a lot of encouragement and reassurance to say something that I would feel bad about. I think I would have to take the first step and describe something I did wrong and why it was wrong and ask her how she felt or feels about it, accept her feelings, and apologize?

Morse Code Stutters: Thank you for the nice things you said to me. I'm beating myself up over this and feeling hopeless and fearful of making things worse by addressing the issue with her. I just finished reading RTR two days ago, so I haven't had a chance to consciously practice it yet, but I get your meaning. Maybe waiting to talk to her was good (waiting this long, not so good). I say that waiting was good because in the frame of mind I have been in, it's likely that I would have taken the wrong approach or just spewed out a disjointed bunch hurtful crap at her. I could visualize myself saying things to her that are intended to provoke shame on the supposed premise that she ought to be ashamed. Like just dumping all my feelings all over her and making her feel responsible for them as a form of punishment. Instead, I'm beginning to visualize a real conversation. Something that opens the door back up between us and gives her the freedom to express herself without being too scared or thinking that the conversation can only conclude in hurt for either or both of us. She is a sweet, perceptive and empathetic person. It would be too easy for her to take on managing my feelings as her job and that's not what I want. I think you're right and talking with her about it is the best thing to do.