Stoic_Dreamer

I don't know whether or not my perspective on the question will be helpful as it mirrors parts of the others, but hopefully something is useful/unique. As children my little sister and I were forced to take Aikido for about 5 years. Despite the involuntary nature of my training it was not something I absolutely hated, and in practical terms it has been very useful in avoiding serious bodily injury (a fall that should have broken my neck became a forward roll with a couple of scabs/bruises). I have limited knowledge of the other schools, but the fundamental difference between Aikido and any other martial art is that it is specifically centered around not hurting people or being hurt yourself. You aren't shattering their bones with a hammerfist or bruce leeing them in the face. You dodge aggression, use momentum, and all of the holds can be accomplished without any significant damage occurring/minimal discomfort to your attacker if you so choose. Theoretically if you wanted to be a total dick you could let someone seriously hurt themselves, but it isn't part of your training/it's highly discouraged. I don't know if it's true for you (but it is certainly true for me as a victim of what seems at times like a history of almost overwhelming abuse) that it is difficult to keep your mind, emotions, and body connected/all communicating with each other. I think that experience of being fully in your body, aware of what emotions arise, and being able to express/release it all physically is what you were describing as self-knowledge. I don't mean to put words in your mouth- totally correct me if I'm way off base. As for myself I'm a brain in a world of bodies, and I think I miss quite a bit of the full "human experience" because of it. When I am able to escape the prison of my mind and feel the power flow into my limbs, not merely having my body obey me but be a part of me, I feel a sense of connection to the world, to myself, to others. In those moments my body is no longer an instrument used to torture me but a tool for liberation. That doesn't mean that the emotions that arise are always "positive" but it does heighten my awareness of them. This to me is not self-knowledge, but rather experiencing parts of the spectrum that I rarely am able to connect to because I live in my head/intellectualize the shit out of everything. It feels like a total revelation, but in reality it is just a physical release of pent-up emotions that were there but not truly felt. To me self-knowledge is a rigorous pursuit of the historical truth and a serious examination/understanding of your character, motivations, and a realistic/honest assessment of your abilities/limitations. Physical awareness/emotional release is not unimportant in that, but it is not the thing itself... if that makes any sense? Anyway just a few of my thoughts on the post. The "Go play Squash" meme/cliche that kind of cycles around the community (although somewhat annoying/flippant) is kinda relevant here. There isn't anything inherently wrong/immoral with Aikido, but those with a history of abuse might want to avoid the more martial aspects of physicality. It's totally your call- if you can't imagine anything else giving you what you feel is important in understanding your emotions, then I would say keep with it. For myself I've found dozens of things that can trigger it for me- lifting, running, sex (sometimes), and a personal amusement- dance. Don't knock it until you try it- I've taken a couple of courses and rarely I'll go dancing in the old prohibition club/cave near me. Martial arts and some sports (football, tennis, squash, rugby, etc) fire the wrong parts of my brain and are difficult due to the severity of past injuries, so I have to find alternatives. Luckily most of the physical realm is an alternative. Hopefully you found something in that long ramble useful. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Tyler, that's actually an incredibly helpful way of looking at the situation. It makes sense that those things would be problematic for me. It just seems like everyone and their mother enjoys these things- from reading 50 shades of grey to going to church. I've lived outside of society for so long that everything people do looks odd/disturbing to me, so in effect nothing looks odd/disturbing to me. I think maybe I should revisit my friendship with Paul. My contribution to our nights was the book of mormon and exploring the caves/storm drains in town, something I've done since I was a little kid. I enjoyed those things. I really didn't enjoy the church thing and the bondage thing is probably not the best thing to bring a torture victim to. I think Paul might be an asshole. thank you for your help

Tinkering around in your brain without a professional present can be dangerous, caution would be wise. EMDR has helped me a great deal in the past (and present) with my past (and present). Due to the severity of the trauma I have suffered over the years, my brain and emotions don't always communicate very well... EMDR helps with that. I wouldn't have been able to achieve my level of functionality and healing without my therapist and EMDR. At the present moment I'm doing rather poorly, but that is not how I typically am. I would strongly recommend that people try it. Even though it is only one of many different techniques, it is a good one.

I am having a difficult time calming myself- I lack any real capacity for self-soothing but I am usually able to stay level headed and relatively calm in most situations. Today my brain is on fire, my heart is racing, and it feels like my blood is literally boiling. The situation: For the past few months my friend Paul and I have been having “Novelty Nights” once a week or once every other week where we will find some random oddity to gawk at. Last week we went to “The Book of Mormon” play and the week before that it was a light-bondage club. This week’s choice was a late night Ghetto Gospel service. We drove up to Northside- the ‘bad’ part of town and found decent seats. The first part of the service was relatively standard but with a whole bunch of singing and yelling out random things. Then everything went to shit quickly. The pastor/reverend/whatever started screaming about being warriors of God, strapping on your spiritual armor and grabbing the sword of truth. It went something like: “Our war is against the rulers, against the principalities, against the authorities, against the world powers of darkness, and spiritual wickedness in high places.” Of course I yelled “Preach it brother” to that. I’m well versed in the bible [but no longer Christian] and that passage actually refers not to literal entities but since the pastor/reverend/whatever misquoted it I thought maybe I was going to have a Reverend Wright type speech to enjoy (God damn America! It’s in the Bible!).https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct5vg6byNkAhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnlRrxXv-v8 However this was sadly not the case. He continued with, “Did you know that in some places it isn’t even legal to hit your own child with a switch?!? The Bible says spare the rod, spoil the child. And you wonder why this world is such an evil place!?! You need to strike the sin out of them! We now have a generation of spoiled children, and a country going straight to hell!” At this point I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but my nerves were exploding and too much adrenaline was pumping through my veins. All I could see was a white searing light in my eyes. I stood up and yelled, “Knock it off!”. Everything went into shocked silence and I started yelling a torrential mixture of statistics, morality, and theology at them. The three that I can remember are: “Your society is violent and tearing itself apart because you teach might makes right.” “Over 70 percent of drug addicts were hit as children. Children are 30 percent more likely to be violent and sexually promiscuous as a result of ‘physical discipline’” “The rod is a symbol of just authority and righteous guidance. To spare the rod is to not teach your children the difference between right and wrong as God’s shepherd you fucking heathens! ‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. For you are with me- your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’… Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven!” At this point Paul had the common sense to wrap his arm around my chest and start dragging me out of the church. The shock of my outburst started to wear off and the congregation was yelling stuff back at me. Paul shoved me in his car and whipped out of the parking lot. That was last night (Saturday) and I haven’t been able to sleep at all since then. Every muscle is contracting and my chest is heaving. The last time I felt like this was when I publicly confronted one of the lawyers who wrote the Patriot Act in front of like 300 people. That last time it took two weeks to calm down and I shattered a tooth from clenching my jaw too tightly. I can give a history lecture to 200 people without batting an eye. I can confront parents individually and maybe a half dozen people calmly without losing my head but anything over 25 people brings out this horrible darkness in me. I don’t want to be built like this! I’ve taken 3 prescription level sedatives and I’m still filled with this disgusting white-hot rage. I’ve spent the last few hours crying, calling my therapist, and trying to distract myself. Some background information about me might be useful: I score a 7 on the A.C.E. (Adverse Childhood Experiences) scale. Growing up my parents hit me regularly- about once or twice a week. In early childhood I was regularly assaulted at school until puberty at age 10 when I became 2-3 times the size of the other boys and sadly started hitting back. When I was 12 I got my girlfriend pregnant and the child died shortly after a premature birth. I also witnessed my first murder when I was 12. All of this horribleness largely contributed to my relatively nihilistic outlook on life. When I was 19 I was kidnapped, chained up, and tortured for two weeks by drug dealers (beaten, electric shock, several finger/toe nails pulled out, burned, stuck with needles they told me were infected with AIDs and other blood diseases [thankfully not], and also severe sleep deprivation to name a few). I won’t go into my entire history here but suffice to say, it sucks more than the average. I come from a long line of Hamrammr men. My great-grandfather makes Ted Bundy look like Ghandi. I am the second man within my family to not go off to war or kill anyone in over 1,200 years. Several of my family members and I have been genetically tested and we all carry a mutated MAO-A gene that has been associated with anti-social behavior, and our testosterone levels are really high. I think most of the evil in my family has come from abuse and trauma but there might be a small genetic component to it as well. Since I found FDR five years ago I have been trying to live a decent life and be a good man. I work twice a week with a PTSD/trauma specialist and a therapist. I also do acupuncture which really seems to help. Tomorrow I am doing an emergency meeting with all three to try to firefight this crisis mode I’m in. I fully realize that amateurs are not going to be able to help me with the level of fucked in the head I am, but I’m kinda desperate at the moment for something, anything that will bring me back down to normal. So please, feedback/advice is appreciated. I've tried watching comedy, listening to soft music, taking sedatives, crying, working out, smoking a cigarette, having sex, and a bunch of other stuff but none of it seems to be helping. The past five years have been a dream, whereas the first part of my life was more like a waking nightmare. It has been difficult for me to adjust and heal, I lost/gave away everything to be where I am at, but I wouldn’t return even if I could. I’ve grown to love and care deeply for the people in my life. I entered into psychology so that I could help people who are suffering and I mentor youths that are caught up in gang activity. I’m hyper-sensitive to violence and I cry a lot, but that only occasionally causes problems. I’ve only been triggered a couple of times over the past five years, mostly from people harming a woman or a child in front of me. I grabbed/lifted up a man who backhanded his girlfriend at a party four years ago but put him down back down on the ground when I realized what I was doing. I just haven’t had to deal with anything like this. I hate that some douchebag preacher can have this sort of effect upon me. I wish I was a normal person… I’m sorry this has been so long of a post but I needed to get all that off my chest so to speak and the two friends I normally talk to are out of the country. I despise my family (except my little sister). My specialist and therapist are both gone until tomorrow. This community is the only place to really turn to… thank you for your time. The dedication of this community to helping people is wonderful and I appreciate all of you.Nick

You're the only one who can make that decision. If your emotional well-being is harmed in continued conflict and you are obsessing over it, perhaps it's better to let it go. If you can stomach it, the conversation is important if for no other reason than third party observers witnessing a challenge to parental abuse. I do it with the police officers that post on my facebook page all the time- turn them into props in order to speak with the audience and find people that are still open to reason. You would of course prefer that the other person reclaim their humanity, but if they refuse to then they can still serve the noble cause in their refusal. One word of advice I try but sometimes fail to live by- When angry, strive to speak with control, wisdom, and only with truth. Do not allow the fire in your heart to control the wisdom of your words.

I was there five years ago. For me it was a daily diet of alcohol, coke, and weed with the occasional rolling and tripping. The lifestyle sucks you in, is a consuming thing, even if it is simply weed on the weekend. In the summer of 2009 FDR hit me between the eyes like a sledgehammer. Being woken up by philosophy can be an incredibly painful thing. Sometimes I feel like the bald weasel character from the Matrix crying to be put back in... that half-life can be miserable but it is acceptable, perhaps even desirable, if it is all you have ever known. However you can't really go back after philosophy and awareness comes in. Your idea to keep drugs near you to remind you of (what, not exactly clear) is an epically bad idea. The pull of prior habits can often short-circuit your intellect. However, the temptation of it is hardly the worst part of the idea. If you are serious about being involved in your child's life then you can't have drugs anywhere near that child- not in the same room, not in the same house, not in your vehicle, and not on your person. Even with my horrible, denigrating, stereotyping of Canadian law enforcement as adorably effeminate and child-like mounties saluting the giant pot-leaf on their flag, the substance is still illegal, and therefore presents a direct threat to you (and your son). Drug possession will be used as a club to beat you with whether you are in child custody proceedings or a criminal court. Is gambling your son's life, well-being, and future on a few grams of vegetation really worth it? You know the statistics for children without a father present in their life (which if your woman successfully takes your son away to England -or through custody proceedings- may become a reality). Even if this never came to pass, what will your son say of his father and his childhood? Half measures do not typically achieve their desired results. Spending time with active drug users is also not advisable. The reverse is also true... creating a support network of people that understand what you are going through is important. Family members can play a role but it is the understanding/identification that is most important. I can't speak for the other people that replied on here but I can give you my email or phone number if you would find that helpful. Someone already mentioned twelve-step groups as a resource; Although you will occasionally find some wacky stuff in there, it is an easy way to build a support network. My preference is toward NA because they tend to emphasize emotional connection, building a community, and are less uptight/conservative than the AA people, but that is just a personal opinion. The Canadian meetings I have been to (mostly Ontario) were absolutely delightful. If you are totally against the whole 12 step thing there is an alternative called SOS (Secular Organizations for Sobriety). Although they are smaller they have a presence in most places- here is their website: http://www.sossobriety.org/home.html I hope some of that was helpful. It has not been my intention to tell you what to do but to provide direct feedback. A couple other resources you might find helpful: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg (not exactly about drug use, but it is extremely helpful) Mate's book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts (mentioned in the previous posts)

One of my favorite books growing up. In terms of criticism you might like Mark Twain's Letters from the Earth... wonderfully scathing, particularly when it comes to religion.

Have you read Michael W. Dean's book "A User's Manual for the Human Experience"? He categorizes problematic people into several different groups, one of which he refers to as 'serenity vampires'. I think you would find it interesting. here is a link to the pdf/mp3/info: http://michaelwdean.com/UMFTHE/

If we have done immoral things, our body doesn't much care that time has passed or we had very few good options available. If you cannot emotionally connect to your history, at least be a historian in the recollection of it- this happened to me, I did this action, this was the result. The trying to explain it or saying that it was a long time ago or that the person deserved it is obviously doing more harm to your capacity to connect than it is reducing anxiety. Saying such things will also make it far more acceptable to repeat actions in the future, even though you are no longer a child and have infinitely more choices in dealing with situations/people. As far as doubting the intentions of others- paranoia or mistrust often has its roots in childhood when a child must determine if the world is a safe place or filled with danger. Distrust can also come from engaging in actions or manipulation ourselves that we then project onto others. My guess in your situation would be that it is a mixture of both. Having mistrust is not inherently problematic as long as you counter it with evidence. If you think Stefan is untrustworthy or that he is using you for a talking point- what is the evidence of that? Not what you feel or you think you feel due to anxiety, but what is the evidence for that? You have thousands of his interactions with people recorded for all time and readily available. You also have recordings of him admitting when he was incorrect or did not like the way a conversation progressed, either on his end or a caller's. There is this great wealth of personal information right at your fingertips. It is not just to accuse him of using you or not caring without considering his past behavior. Obviously it is possible that you are a unique case but after a preponderance of the evidence, it would make more sense to turn toward internal sources of discomfort. Now take that example and universalize it to all of the people around you. If you treat innocent people the same as manipulative/exploitative assholes than you are not going to be able to emotionally connect with anyone healthy. I would start there in therapy and personal relationships. If what you say is true that applying ethics to the people around you would eliminate them from your life, than so be it. fuck those people, they don't matter and you don't want them in your life anyway. Just my observations and opinion. take it or leave it. hopefully something in there is helpful. Nick *distrust

The combination of extreme isolation- emotionally and physically, as well as sexual and physical abuse early in life can be absolutely devastating. Without significant psychological intervention these traumas just build on each other in adulthood. There are a couple physical things that you can do to alleviate some suffering but until you work with a therapist quite a bit of them will just revert back to stasis because emotional and mental health most often will dictate physical health. Poor hygiene, diet, etc. is also pretty typical of those who have been molested in youth because it is unconsciously a way of defending yourself from further abuse. If I had actual advice it would be to seek out a decent therapist to work with you. With the physical stuff there are a couple ideas that come to mind. Like you already mentioned- changing diet can reduce weight and the amount of sweat or other odor that might occur. Weight loss can be really tricky as you get older. I found the documentary 'Forks over Knives' to be helpful in changing my personal eating habits. There are also medical prescription deodorants and antiperspirants if you don't have them already. One idea I've found useful in the past is to shave all of your body hair from neck to knees off. Pubic/pit/ass hair in particular can cause quite a bit of odor, especially in the summer. You mentioned your father smoking, do you smoke at all? That behavior doesn't help with breath or teeth color. Chewing sugarless gum constantly can help reduce bad breath. I can't tell you what is worth spending money on but I personally would invest money in fixing my teeth, even if it costs me over $14,000. Ideally teeth are with you for the long-haul. It isn't a cosmetic/artificial/frivolous investment to take care of your mouth. In the realm of sexual relations it might be better to put that off until after you have been working with a therapist for awhile. When we are emotionally unwell we can make really harmful decisions that are not in our long-term interest. If that is something you find that cannot be deferred than there are quite a few women who have a firefighter fetish- the thought of you putting out fires literally makes them wet. There are also quite a few women who have a small/tight vagina where sex with a larger penis is highly uncomfortable/painful. My former neighbor/woman I went to school with is that way. The physical stuff can be a source of insecurity, but it doesn't have to be. I'm sorry that you are suffering right now and that you did as a child. Your childhood sounds incredibly painful, neglect in some ways can be more harmful than physical abuse- unfortunately between your parents and peers you suffered the gambit of abuse. Be kind to yourself and seek out a therapist to work with you. Keep us in the loop and take care. Nick

So as I've stated before I'm starting my psychology practicum soon but I'm taking a Social Psychology course first to defer my student loans and also avoid entering into the practicum totally emotionally raw from therapy. I haven't slept in four days and I'm currently trying to write a response to a group discussion. I'm really trying not to be a complete dick in my response but I'm finding it difficult to write/not to be. The class was surprisingly receptive to my last post on the origins (nature/nurture) of aggression and the statistics concerning child abuse. However, with this discussion the arrogance and collusion with evil that often appears to be omnipresent in the psychology community is really wearing on me. I know quite a bit of it is sleep deprivation but also many are leaping to defend blind obedience to authority, familial and political, in response posts. Although I am well aware that rebellious souls are few and far between within the field of psychology, I still get frustrated encountering all of this nonsense. What does everyone else think? Any suggestions on how to proceed while avoiding heavy sarcasm and aggressive language, particularly when answering questions 1 and 3? Am I just stressed or do you find it difficult to not want to respond in a condescending or angry manner too? Original Post: Discussion Question: Obedience In our culture it is fairly normal to see a parent socialize their children to obey authority figures without question. We teach them that because they are a child if they question the authority figures in their life that they are being disrespectful and often punish them for this kind of questioning. Now consider the outcome of Milgram's research into obedience in which many participants followed the request of a perceived authority figure and administering shocks up to 450 volts to a person who simply got the answers wrong. Read the following article by Thomas Blass about Milgram and his research: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/the-man-who-shocked-the-world Additionally read the article at http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=1297922 about the prank call at McDonalds that lead to the false imprisonment and sexual assault of a young employee all because the assistant manager blindly followed the instructions of a man on the phone. 1. Discuss, in general, why children are socialized to obey authority figures. 2. Does the way we socialize our children set them on a possible path toward this kind of obedience? 3. What benefits come from our children blindly following the authority figures in their life? 4. What negative consequences can come from this kind of socialization? 5. Is there a better option in the way we socialize our children? If so, what would be a better strategy? 6. Should this strategy change as the child ages? If so, how would it be different for older children versus younger children?

My guess would be slightly worse. However, I doubt you would be able to get an honest answer out of the general public concerning their childhoods. I'm a 7 on the ACE if you count having sex with my babysitter for #3, otherwise a 6.

Being relatively busy with work and school/practicum I am a couple podcasts behind on the feed. Today working I was listening to I think the one called "you can't fix stupid" and heard a really decent call that I think you would appreciate Slavik. The caller was incredibly brave and connected when talking about sibling abuse. There was only a small part where he mentioned that he probably took the majority of parental violence that was kind of flinchworthy but it didn't detract from his honesty in the call. You should check it out if you haven't already.

I think we can all agree that Stefan has been consistently empathetic toward younger siblings throughout the years. I think the divergence is in some of the callers that minimize the suffering of their younger siblings, by either stating that they were too young, or the older sibling had it worse, or the younger sibling was favored, or they were all just young kids trying to survive (in reference to abuse between siblings), or whatever the case happened to be. I'm a bit sensitive toward the issue because from about 2-11 years I was a total shithead to my sister. Now I'm trying to help her reconnect to that anger so that she can protect herself. She still spends time with our parents and sends me texts like "thanks for always being there, especially when we were little kids". I would rather have her hate me and never speak with me again but be emotionally connected to the truth of our childhood than have some pseudo-fantasy where my parents or myself were good people. 3 years ago my parents brought out this old video from when I was 4 and she was 3, where I had taken a utility knife and tape to make a fort out of cardboard boxes. I wouldn't let my sister in the fort and demanded that she go get a key to open the door. When she came back I snatched the key out of her hand and shut the door. She started sobbing and sobbing that I wouldn't let her in. She cried about it for about a week. Everyone in the room was laughing at the video, including my sister, but it just upset me because I was finally reconnecting with much of the childhood stuff/was emotionally raw. Apparently I "ruined Christmas" because I started yelling at my parents that it wasn't funny. That was hardly the worst of it but highlights the disconnect between the four of us and the past. Slavik, that is absolutely horrifying that your brother thinks both of you should have been beaten more as children. I can't imagine what that is like. Do you think he really believes that or is just saying that to cause you emotional harm? It sounds like he is pretty empty inside, even with all of the material stuff. Is there much contact between the two of you or have you broken with him?

Well said. I've noticed that as well. My little sister had it far worse than I did in large part because she internalized quite a bit of it, and still won't accept that our parents are not good people. Does your older brother acknowledge the harm he caused you in childhood?