Ovi

"Everything will be ok, because [insert reasoning here]" may be a great thing to say to somebody who is having trouble, or yourself, if the reasoning that supports it is valid. It means you found a solution to a problem. On it's own, it's just an empty statement with no real value, often used by people who want to ignore problems hoping they will magically go away. And don't get me started on the "Positivity Police", the kind of people for which any display of a "negative" emotion is offensive or harmful (especially when men do it, I notice, but that's another subject). Authentic feelings like being sad, angry or scared are necessary and healthy, in the right context. "Authentic" in this case refers to if the feeling is appropriate to the situation: it's healthy to be sad when you've suffered a loss or went trough a harrowing experience in our past. It's called grieving. Suppressing it is not healthy. getting angry when being confronted with a present immediate danger or aggression is healthy - it's what gives us the drive to fight and survive and overcome. being scared helps us prevent / avoid problems we see arising in the future (only fools are fearless) I think people who go to others who are experiencing one of the above feelings and tell them "It's going to be ok" or some other diluted meaningless drivel in an attempt to "cheer them up" or "calm them down" are doing it because: they want to make themselves feel better, not the other person, because they are so emotionally unstable that even being around healthy justified sadness, anger or fear makes them uneasy. So they just want to put a stop to the other person's feelings. Or they are misguided fools who were taught that everyone should be positive all the time and if they aren't they are breaking some kind of unwritten law. So they are taking it upon themselves to enforce that law. Just as a note: not all sadness, anger or fear is healthy. For example sadness is healthy only when associated with past events, being sad about future or events or ones that are in play right now is a harmful emotion. Instead of feeling sorry you should do something about it. So sadness is healthy only regarding the past, anger - the present and fear - the future. And anyway, how we feel is just part of the equation. What really matters is what we do.

My hypothesis for explaining the behavior: By asking for these "favors" she is actually asking for attention and interaction. I am speculating here for lack of info but she probably had a parent who was not openly affectionate / distant and instead she learned to ask for things that they would provide instead of expecting affection. When she's asking you to do these things, she's behaving like a helpless little child, in need of care. As a response, you tend to slip into a parental role, either by doing what she asked (caring parent) or by becoming displeased with her lack of self-sufficiency (critical parent). Either way she gets what she's after. When you switch into a parental role like that it continues and reinforces the game, because no mater if your feedback is positive or negative, it's still feedback and it still counts (all living beings prefer negative stimuli to no stimuli at all) and that's what she's after. So it's a win-win for her. Important note, this "game" is not played at a conscious level. She is not being manipulative on purpose, it's a behavior learned in childhood which she is repeating like a conditional reflex whenever she is in need of interaction/affection from you. My suggestion: To short-circuit this feedback loop, there's two steps you can take. Both are necessary, and they work together. When she displays the behavior, do not do what she asks but don't criticize her either. This eliminates the response she is used to and ends the "game" Instead, think of something fun you can do together. Do over there and grab her in your arms, tickle her, go for a walk, make love, do any of the things that you guys love doing together. This changes the premise of the whole thing, and in time will overwrite her conditional reflex and replace it with a normal request like: "I miss you, I want to do something fun together" which is what she actually wants. The two steps work in tandem because a "game" like this, serves a vital need. It's a surrogate for real intimacy between two people. In step 1 you are ending the game, but you need to put something in it's place. Without step 2 there will be a void left unfilled, and things will either escalate to a new game, or you will grow apart. Whatever you do, stop acting like a parent, that only reinforces the problem and "feeds the beast".

@Thomas: what I understood from the OP was that he found FDR and learn about RTR after he did all the cheating. I think you are assuming that after learning about RTR he continued to cheat. I do not see where he says that in his post, he doesn't state it clearly either way, though he does refer to it as "my past cheating" which would imply it was no longer happening. So, only if he continued to cheat after the RTR turning point are your criticisms valid. Maybe you read a bit too hastily. I think that quite the opposite is going on from what you are saying: I think he is owning his mistakes as he does recognize the hypocrisy of his past double standard (he is saying: "I was selfish, hypocritical") and really wanted to start clean, which is the whole reason he told her about the past in the first place! @aleles: i will try to address each question in turn 1. what's wrong with you? - I'm assuming you are asking based on the information you are conveying in your post. I can only answer what is wrong with your actions, and right now i can find no wrong with them: you have applied the principles of RTR and that is a good thing indeed. All the problems you are having stem not from your recent actions but from your past ones, but you seem to already know that. So there is not much I can say here. 2. Do you lack an ability to bond? - clearly not. It was clearly impaired in the past in some manner and it might still probably be, but it is definitely not lacking because you wrote about how wonderful your relationship with your wife had become after applying RTR, right up to the moment where you disclosed your past transgressions. 3. Did I not have an example of a true romantic relationship [when growing up]? - i dislike the term "romantic" for it's distorted connotations, but again, it's pretty obvious from what you wrote that the answer is no, you did not. You made that clear in your post. 4. Was the pain worth the truth? - come on, this is an easy one. YES always, the truth is the most important thing we can strive for, that's what philosophy is all about! And to get to the truth, there is often going to be some level of discomfort. But there can be no lasting true happiness and prosperity without truth, so the discomfort is justified. 5. Could or should this marriage be saved? First the "could": People who are married for 6 years with somebody and living with them and claim to not know about any of the long string of infidelities that the other partner has committed are lying to themselves and/or others. It's very possible that she knew what was going on but could only tolerate it as a "known secret" and maybe was in denial consciously while subconsciously she was aware of the situation. If you are at the state where you cannot tell if your partner is cheating on you after 6 years then you have bigger relationship issues than them cheating on you (clear lack of communication, empathy and knowledge about the other person). I am not making excuses for you own past behavior, I am trying to say that getting back together might not be possible because this outcome was the one she was aiming for subconsciously all along. Most people pick and choose their partners based on a set of criteria they are not consciously aware of, which in turn stem from their childhood (if you are familiar with Transactional Analysis, this is part of their "life script" that we create for ourselves and then try to play out all throughout our lives). You obviously need to have a talk with her. It might be that this is a milestone in her script, and without dismantling said script there is no way she would change her mind (and that is something only she can do, you can't do it for her). it might be that she wants to work things out, in which case, keep applying RTR! As for the "should" part: there is no "should". You may chose to or not, no one can answer that for you. It's your own decision to make.

I want to first express my sympathy for what you are going through. I have had many such an episode myself (anxiety attacks such as the one you are describing), and I'd like to share what I've learned, maybe It will be of some use to you. For me, anxiety attacks happen when I get to close (in my introspection) to an deep-rooted Issue I have with some aspect of my life, personality and upbringing. I've come to recognize the feelings and symptoms you describe as a clear signal that I've stumbled upon a major issue. I have got "too close" to a "sore spot". I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I do not claim to have any answers other than those I have found myself trough reasoning and observation of myself and those around me, and my own experiences of overcoming an abusive upbringing. That said, If I had any advice to give, it would be: don't be content to just wait it out until it passes. This is an opportunity. Press on. Dig deeper. Hang in there, and keep thinking about the things that triggered this. It's scary like hell, it's terrifying, it can hurt emotionally like a ton of bricks. It's worth it. It may be your only path to finding the things that rule your life from the dark corners of your sub-conscious and set yourself free. It will be back, and the underlying cause would still continue to be there and affect your life in ways you don't even see now. You need to follow the thread you pulled, see where it leads, pull on it and if necessary unravel part of yourself in the process and examine it, only to then put it all back together, after weeding out the falsehoods intertwined in the fabric that is your personality. At every step, anxiety is the litmus test that tells you if you're on the right path. Every time you get close for the first time(s) to an important issue, fact or answer about yourself that has been causing you pain, your fight or flight instinct will trigger. find someone close to you with whom to share what you are going trough. This path is hard, but going at it alone may make it impossible. I myself was not able to make much headway until I was able to find a person (she is my partner now for 6 years) that would listen and not judge, and also, as a bonus, make astute observations about what I was telling her when my judgement was lapsing due to fatigue or emotional distress. Ignoring it makes it worse. The more you ignore it, the scarier it gets in the long run. I've heard people compare dealing with these type of issues to "having to stare at a huge vicious monster in the face", or "going into a dark terrifying cave". Who wouldn't have an anxiety attack under those circumstances? When you finally get the guts to go in and look at it, you will find it's no longer the scary monster, just a small suffering part of your own self that went mad with pain along the years. I commend you on reaching out and taking the first step to facing your issues. As someone who went through very similar experiences, I know how hard it is. But it's totally worth it, if you ask me. I wish you all the best, and I hope some of this helps.

Hello Melissa, First, let me say I understand your situation since I've been there myself some time ago. I've since managed to establish myself first a a freelancer and then found a stable working relationship with one of my freelance customers. After a lot of work and improvement, that relationship developed into a partnership about a year ago, and i moved from being a freelancer into being an entrepreneur. It's going great! So keep strong and keep honing your skills. That's what matters the most, not your age (or anything else). You should look into 99Designs it's a site for graphic designers built on a form of open competitive market - crowd-sourcing. People who need designs for whatever purpose (from logo design to print design to web design and business cards) come there and post projects along with an amount of money they are offering. Then, interested designers submit their proposals, and the best one gets picked and gets paid. The money you make there is directly related to how good your skills are, that's why i think it would be a good fit for you since you seem to have a lot of talent and skill. You would compete really well there, in my opinion. Also, you may have a greater chance to work on projects you are interested on and passionate about. We are constantly looking for talented and skilled web designers but it seems you are more focused on print at the moment. A word of caution: don't make the mistake of just taking your print skills, however awesome, and assuming they just transfer to web design as is. I've seen a lot of awesome print designers fall on their face due to this. Web is a different medium, and while a lot of design principles are common with print, a lot of them are totally new or different. I wish you all the best, Ovi