Seleneccentric

I'm so sorry, LB. Please don't give up.

My apologies for this post, it was a hasty projection. Thank you for responding with such even-tempered regard.

When I was Catholic, every time I took a non-Catholic friend to mass, it was traumatic for them. I always took pains to thoroughly describe what would happen and how they should behave, knowing full well the level of social opprobrium leveled at me every time I made some kind of mistake in the past, and seeing the issues people I'd brought had encountered previously. Even with this kind of preparation, without exception, I never succeeded in steering someone through a ceremony without incident. Bringing someone to any mass, let alone mass held for a special ceremony like a baptism, and telling them "it will be easy" is so staggeringly foolish that it borders on malice. If it's any consolation, my guess is that when you handed the guy the communion wafer, you completely blew his mind (Catholic minds are easily blown, in my experience). On a less positive but equally interesting note, there's a good chance he's probably self-attacking this very minute over having been handed the wafer (I guarantee you he would not self-attack for accosting you, however).

Edit — removed the post, not qualified to speak on the subject

edit — removed the post, not qualified to speak on the subject

Edit — Removed

Thank you all for writing. I may try. cynicist, thank you for your post — I took a lot from that. That's a striking point, thank you, I'll consider it carefully. luminescent, thank you for the recommendation. Very powerful words, thank you for posting. I appreciate the community being so sensitive and supportive. It's hard to know what to expect. I'm having a hell of a tough time making progress, but I keep the things said here in mind as I go.

So, I have come to a slow emotional awakening over the last half-year, and felt the joy of being alert and alive in the world. But now there is a terrible storm wall before me — the thing that I feared so greatly that I was willing to imprison and torture myself, apparently indefinitely, in an emotional cell of my own design. If it only threatened to wound me, I wouldn't now be so afraid. Rather, it is threatening to put me back to sleep. If I can't find a way to live through this, I'm afraid that I'll slip back into the world of black illusion that emerged from.I am myself a corrupt person. I am exactly the kind of person that I've been removing from my life — abusive, self-absorbed, bullying, manipulative... but with the awful difference that I have kept all my wrongdoings concealed.I molested both of my younger siblings. It started when I was thirteen and I did it for the last time when I was twenty. It happened about a dozen times in total, though it's difficult to count, because the traps I set in my own mind are dutifully shredding the memories as I try to reach them. As you would expect though, in the end it wasn't limited to them and it wasn't limited to just this type of abuse. I've cheated on people, lied, used people's emotions against them. All the while I cultivated an untouchable public image of moral perfection. I used to see people admire me and it would make me physically sick, because I knew what I was inside.I've reached out to my siblings, and told them how sorry I am for what I've done. I've given them a commitment to help them in any way that I can as they try to recover from the destruction that I caused. If things go as planned, I'll be paying for therapy for one of them starting in the Spring, and it gives me joy to be able help them even in so insignificant a way. They're both strong. I have justifiable hope that they can be healed.But how can I be healed? Can I be healed? Should I be healed?I used to think, "If anyone knew the truth about me, the right thing for them to do would be to kill me." I have no idea any more whether that is just, but I know that I do want to live — but how? Is that even, at a fundamental level, possible? Am I cut off from virtue? I'm going to therapy. I've got people in my life who support me. I'm healthy and safe. I've removed hurtful and abusive people from my life… all but one. I journal and write and I've tried to pull the pieces of me back into some kind of semblance of a soul. I want to live. I want to never hurt anyone else like I hurt my siblings. I want to stop being a bad person. What can I do?

Wow! Congratulations on so many big breakthroughs! Your courage is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing.

Thanks all for the advice. I really am trying to be realistic about my ability to improve the situation. I think that I will take the route of simply trying to intentionally be a positive in their life, and open up the space for a conversation if it becomes possible. Oddly, the prudent and responsible route seems to be more onerous than the rash one, but it also seems well worth doing.

I've run into a tricky question that I don't quite know how to answer to my own satisfaction. A coworker of mine has been missing from work for nearly a week, and they recently showed back up with a recovering black eye, a cut on their cheek (that I have the experience to identify as one having likely come from a closed-fist strike), and generally looking humiliated and depressed. My instant gut reaction was that this person has been hit, possibly by their partner, who I believe is somewhat emotionally unstable. Of course, no one said a word. As far as I know, this person is unlikely to be receiving any support, and it is killing me to be a part of the wall of silence that imprisons victims.I had an impulse to bring the issue up directly, but decided that this might be too frightening, my coworker being somewhat skittish and shy. After some reflection, I considered leaving an anonymous note along the lines of the following: The question in my mind is whether this action will do more harm than good, or whether there is a still better course of action to take. Furthermore, I question whether I have any specific responsibility to act, or whether this aversion that I feel is in fact cowardice. I'm hopeful that the community here might have some helpful advice or similar experiences to share. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

I've been debating whether or not to respond again, but I believe that I do want to speak up before the message goes completely stale. When I read your piece, I was struck by how similar your Authority was to my own internal voice that I've been struggling against for many months. Same arguments, same tone, same intentions and goals. As a matter of course this agent must behave hypocritically, in the way you describe, in order to satisfy its mission. Putting my own foot down against this force has been a massive struggle, and by no means always a winning one. To some extent these might be patterns that are shaped by the words and actions of others, but would they behave as they do unless the behavior has been modeled by their own internal dialogue? More and more I understand that the state is a state of mind.

I'm so sorry, Slavik. Thank you for sharing this, though. I go through so many of the same things, and it's always good to know you're not alone. As Rilke says a "whole constellation" of things must go right for one person to advise another, but I say this because it helped me... if there is any way you can struggle against this power in you... do your best to not feed it. Even one morsel snatched away is a victory. Strive for that with everything you have. I wish you luck, my friend.

Based on my experience with pangender/transgender/queer-identified people, I would not say that everything is perfectly clear to them right away, or that they feel an unchanging, deep conviction that they are one way or another. Confusion seems perfectly understandable. Aren't we all on a strange, twisty path to understanding what and who we are? If you haven't already pursued it, you may be surprised by the amount of support in that community. However, I would add that personally, I have found self-delusion, unprocessed abuse, etc. to be just as common there as anywhere else. You have my sympathy for having to struggle with something so complex and confusing — but taken another way, it is an exciting opportunity. You might have lived your whole life without getting the opportunity to face these possibilities, but now you at least have a chance. I wish you the best of luck.

Holy crap, magic mushrooms are less intense than DMT? I've never tried Ayahauska or any DMT product, but psilocybin mushrooms, for me, were a really important part of finally coming out of depression. However, based on how intense I found relatively small doses, if Ayahauska is more intense, I would exhort anyone without previous experience with these types of substances to avoid it unless they had a very experienced guide.