Mango

Hello fellow FDR listeners! I just started a Peaceful Parenting group on Meetup.com http://www.meetup.com/Vancouver-Peaceful-Parenting-Meetup/ Feel free to join! Any suggestions on topics/meetups that you would like to see if you could attend? Have you run a group with Meetup.com and have advice to share?

PGP, my heart goes out to you for the pain of trying to survive through dysfunction, the fight of trying to get them to see it and change, the emotional repercussions that you experienced from their abuse. What a toll taking care of your mother and sacrificing another year & a half must have had, too. I sent you a PM with some other thoughts that I'd rather share privately.

Thank you, PGP, for taking the time to reply & share your thoughts. That must have been extremely difficult to survive that disfunction, and to deal with the loss of your father at that age. Wow. I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced this pain, and I certainly relate to your peers not being able to grasp what the loss meant to you. Kudos to you for being on the path to self-knowledge and being committed to ending the cycle of dysfunction. You say the feeling of loss of what could have been is still there, which touches on part of what I'm struggling with right now. Was there a way you were able to gain a sense of closure in that regard?

My dad died a week before my 8th birthday, after 2 weeks in the hospital. I'm 30 now. I've been doing a lot of introspection recently and I'm feeling a lot of pain about his death. One of the layers to this is, motivated by Stef's podcasts and all the books I have found through them, I have been telling the truth to myself about my mother's treatment of me and have distanced myself from her. She was abusive and she has shown me she is not interested in being honest with herself. Part of what is difficult for me to wrap my head around is that I don't really know my dad. I have shed the 4th Commandment that I must love my parents, but the memories I have of my dad are through the lens of an idolizing 7 year old daughter. I don't have the opportunity to find out what kind of person he is or have a relationship with him, and I feel sad and confused thinking about that. I remember the big bear hugs he used to give me when he was tucking me in at night. I remember his detailed and direct explanations. I know that even though he was raised religious and my mom was Christian, he was atheist. I know the shows he watched on TV. I don't remember him ever punishing me, and his mother (my grandma) told me that to her frustration, he always explained things to me at great length instead of disciplining me. Although, I do remember times where my mom was punishing me and getting angry with me while he stood by. And, he continued a relationship with his mother despite her un-empathetic treatment and rough discipline (though she claims she never spanked him). When I finally stopped using religion as self-medication about a year ago after finding FDR, the grief became raw again. He's NOT in a better place, I WON'T ever see him again, this WASN'T for a reason to make me stronger, etc. I'd like to achieve is complete honesty with myself, and part of that is admitting that it was really fucking painful, and it still is. I can't imagine any of my childhood friends living a healthy life if they lost their father. I remember the first time I calculated my ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score, I got zero (= no adverse childhood experiences). Death of a parent was not on the test, and I was blocking out the abuse of my mother and her boyfriend out at the time. That is not the reality, though. I had a very traumatic and painful childhood. I've listened to/read a lot about the effects of child abuse, but I want to gain a better understanding of the effects of losing my father. It's tough to even find one book that isn't filled with religion, mysticism or idolization of parents. Does anyone have any recommended reading from an FDR type perspective? Thanks for reading, and any thoughts on how I can gain self-knowledge towards this and heal the trauma would be appreciated.

Hi Violet, I empathize with what you're saying; you are not alone in how you're feeling. I have felt overwhelmed & lonely at times going through this process. In my childhood I feared that if I was myself, I would be abandoned. In a way, being myself or admitting the truth about my family would = death, so that fear comes from an understandable place. I just watched this video on relationships and I think it touches on what you're saying; you may find it validating, as I did:

Hi Jake, I haven't been to the farmers markets in Toronto, but here even just a chalkboard sandwhich board (craigslist) with just "FRESH JUICE! $5 8oz, $8 16 oz" etc would do the trick, if you're worried about keeping the overhead low & don't want to spend money on printing stuff right off the bat. You also mention printed bottles; what about just a plastic "cold cup" with lid & straw? I picture this product as something someone would buy & drink while strolling around the market, rather than take home to drink later. You can get compostable versions of this product, and it would likely save on having anything printed. Although the branding part can be fun, from a profitability point of view, I would suggest focusing on keeping your costs low to test the market for the product rather than investing in much signage, custom bottles, etc. I shop at health food stores & farmers markets and have been known to shell out $7 for a smoothie or juice (so, potentially your target customer), and the branding would have to be virtually nothing for me to get out my wallet. I've paid $5 for a coconut out of the back of a guys pick up truck. It depends on what your goals are, but my approach would be more like the coconut guys' - his product cost is minimal, he has little money invested, his profit is high, and he has a line-up, so his volume is as well. He also goes through customers quickly - something to think about in your business plan is how long each juice will take, how many hours you'll have, how much profit you will make on each one, what prep can be done beforehand, etc. Hope that helps!

Hi there, I have been eating a vegetarian/vegan diet for around 5 years. My physical health improved after eliminating animal products, including weight loss, clearer skin & improved digestion. When I saw images of how animals were treated in farms, I felt sad, empathetic, and disturbed. I continued to support it with my actions for years, though, because I figured it was a "necessary evil". I am so relieved to find that I feel healthier on a plant-based diet, and I don't "have to" eat those animals that I generally find to be quite adorable! A vegan diet can be cheap; it costs me at least $150 less on groceries a month. The trick is to use whole, basic foods, instead of pre-packaged meals or meat & dairy substitutes. Besides, the meat & dairy substitutes are typically high in fat and salt, so you'll want to avoid them if your goal is weight loss, anyway. You can eat a healthy vegan diet with anything you can find at an average grocery store: fruit, vegetables, rice, pasta, beans, etc., you don't need to go to a vegetarian-specific store, you just need to be armed with some good recipes. Here are some of my favorite sources for recipes: https://www.drmcdougall.com/health/education/recipes/ http://engine2diet.com/recipes/favorites/ http://happyherbivore.com/recipes/ http://www.vegetariantimes.com/recipe/lowfat/ http://potatostrong.com/ The flavors that you enjoyed on meat can also be used in vegan recipes. What other food do you like? Some of my favorite foods are banana + frozen fruit smoothies, baked fries, sushi, stir fries, tacos. There are so many diets out there & conflicting info out there but eating a low-fat vegan diet is the only one I've found where you can eat until you are satiated, and loose weight. The caveat is to keep it low fat and low salt. If you are craving something, you are probably hungry. You will find your cravings are easier to manage when you eat more. I was able to up my calorie intake to 4,000 a day, and loose weight on this lifestyle. My inspiration to try it was "Freelee the Banana Girl" and "Durianriders" who I watched on youtube.I follow Freelee's "Raw Til 4" diet. It might be too much of an extreme change for you at this point, but I will share that I have found it to be successful in achieving weight loss, satisfying to eat until I'm full, inexpensive, simple, and I feel very energized after eating. Now, if I may, a word of caution from my own experience...Food can be a great distraction. I lost 40 lbs by focusing on diet. It was only able to maintain it for about a month and then I gained it all back (and then some). I was focused on surface changes instead the WHY: what I was using food to anesthetize myself from, what pain & anger I was suppressing by overeating, what benefits there were to being overweight, why I needed intimacy with food, what bigger issues I needed to distract myself from, etc.One of the secondary gains I perceived from being overweight was I hoped to communicate I was in pain. I actually started to panic when I lost weight. Part of me was screaming, "but everyone will think I'm OK - I'm not OK!". It was impossible to maintain weight loss without validating the bigger issues that cause the overweight-ness in the first place. So, while I love this diet, I also have to say being in therapy, journalling, reading (I have found Alice Miller particularly helpful), watching Stefan's videos, and introspection have contributed more to my ability to reach a healthy weight long-term. I hope this helps. Feel free to ask me for any support if you need it.

What you describe sounds abusive and manipulative, wordponroad. Have you read Alice Miller? Reading her book, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" really helped me move forward towards validating my experiences and emotions. She speaks of the negative effects of hurtful parenting, which it sounds like you most certainly experienced. “I have never known a patient to portray his parents more negatively than he actually experienced them in childhood but always more positively--because idealization of his parents was essential for his survival.” ― Alice Miller, Thou Shalt Not Be Aware : Society's Betrayal of the Child