The Wall

Im going through a long divorce with my life. I moved out of the state due to several things I felt I couldnt control. Part of these things may have to do or may not have to do with severely life damaging, life altering decisions that may have crossed my mind, that I felt an utter lack of control and yearning to do. And this particular state of mind occured any time I felt anger or would feel anger, instead I felt enraged and outraged. Im currently super far away from her, and the court case hasnt finished. There is a child involved, to which ive abandoned, ive left this child with this crazy-making, highly volatile, highly aggressive, emotionally catastrophizing, terribly insane and anti-rational, physically violent, verbally acidic and highly intoxicating, nauseating, puke in your mouth and poop in your pants, kind of woman. Of course, this says a lot about me to have been with this kind of woman for so long and now to have deserted my child. Its really hard to talk about, I know what I did was wrong but the shame I feel towards this decision is nagging me every waking and breathing moment. The most disasterous anddisabling thing for me is that I know id be an exceplent father. The poor thing is is im poor. My wife left me with the car after conception of our child. She lived at her moms house half a dozen miles away, and was living with two men - a brand new step-father, and a brother, both of which have a very violent history to which they both are actually proud of. Her mother is also a very religious nurse whom is savvy with laws and I think was planning this all along while my wife was pregnant, perhaps sooner. I am just appalled by this whole situation. Im happy im typing about it but im devastated and overwhelmingly sad about this. How could this woman I married and impregnated just pick up and leave and take our child away from me? Lawfully, she has no right to do this, but that didnt stop her. The night she left me I had to walk four hours at one a.m. in order to get to my minimum wage job and sleep an hour on the booth table and of course pretend I never did it. Im very careful of details and information release as this can all be used against me. I may edit or delete this post, or not even post this. My wife knows I was always into pro-self and changing my actions. I didnt really wake-up to the significance of my continuation of the cycle of violent and sufferring my.parents inflicted upon me until several months after our marriage, which I continually, curiously, gently, concisely and repititiously asked her very basic questions. However, I was attacked, shot-down, even belittled and condemned for just simply listening to Stefan Molyneux. I even had to hide my interest in philosophy, self-knowledge, and my pursuit towards understanding and changing my own actions. Its so stressful, and my wife initiated divorce, something im still regretable about. Imagine how strong I would be with a woman by my side? Im already a very strong person, most people in my shoes would have killed themselves are remained in their zombie trance for fear of consequences. However, one of the many downfalls of this, is im isolated. How many people can relate to my story? You know how lonely I am? How many people can possibly understand what im going through? How many people will actually read this and care? How many people will try to change their hostile rejection towards me? I dont know where to go from here. I cant reveal whqt I currently go through, because of fear of moles, and being to revealing could jeopardize my safety. It is this constant balance of visibility and invisibility so im not a complete ghost and that theres the chance of a smidget of emotional vulnerability and validity around others. My wife was a constant shark, with vulnerability and emotional or psychological motivational honesty being the blood. She would continually haunt me and make every vulnerability I had a grave mistake to express, but I had a delusional and systematically programmed fundamental failure of logic that lead me to believe she would change if I just defied her aggression with persistence. I always thought, that in the back of my mind was this kind of wicked idea that she would change. There was a lighy switch in my wife that was off, I had to turn it on for her. I had to raise the volume on my own relentess desire towards honesty and vulnerability and eventaully she would hook onto that, be envious and curious enough, effortful enough to attempt it on her own. To her credit, although it was aggressive, she did reveal very truthful things and engrained psychological things, that I felt like a hardcore reasoning and emotionally crazed Mike Tyson, biting her air off to get it from her. This is a sad and tragically hopeless situation for me to admit at this time. All these actions reveal flaws of thinking, which have lead me astray. It is indeed like im lost in the ocean, grabbing onto anything thar floats with hope I will make it to a thriving island! Such a blind and ignorant sort of defeat! At leadtni havent perished and will not ever perish! I am a God of reason.and commitment, except when it comes to my daughter at this point. I propose im here to be offered support and encouragement towards my commitment towards living and breathing while attempting virtue and reason, and for the future of society. Im in a great big panick emotionally and spiritually apart of me is severely wounded, the heart monitor may read close to death... im not suicidal, im just bankrupt of energy, my head is pounding and im stressed all the time. I travel to work by foot, I work mostly on my feet, and I work with someone who is a hardcore sociopath. These things have added to the stress. Not to mention, my parents are acting as gossiping trolls, and siding with my wife as well as other family members. My question is, whose there to side with me? Whose gonna help me do the right thing? I cant do this on my own. Im a trainwreck, allbeit a platinum, high-quality train-wreck, nevertheless pretty devastating and dangerous. Something is hugely wrong and still needs to be fixed. I dont know what else to say, how much more detestable and terrible could this situation be? How much more difficult could it be? How much more gut-wrenching and nightmarish? How many more tossy turny nights? How much more lonlieness? My fear of my wife is debilitating. Im scared to even be present on the phone in court from thousands of miles away. Im terrified of her hostile and wacky criticisms and the gossiping that will follow. I need to file a restraining order on my own parents so they wont bother me at work. This is incresible. Guys, a little help?........ Let this be an addendum. I would like to alse state that I think my actions are heroic and admirable, as well as slavishly and submissively ugly. To habe physically left my daughter over a thousand miles is by far an extraordinary confession of defeat on my part. I dont know how, I may habe saved my own life, its truly hard to tell. This court case is so long and exhaustive. Government and society are so condemning and detestible. I hate everybody in general, with a prefacing exception to communities like this. I have a low tolerance for almost everything though in my life at this point. I dony find anything humerous and I know that this situation is hugely impacting my emotional status, but ive been like this since I was very little. My father always said, dont get married or have children, its the worst mistake you could ever make. I feel as if im doing what I believe my father did, but he wont honestly talk about this with me. My parents hqve lied to me about everything under the sun where they could have revealed a lack of accountability. I think my dad was oberdue on child support and wqlked back qnd forth to work because his license was revoked. Going as far as walkinh alone at night, on the highway in his mid thirties, to get to and from work. I guess these crazy genes I have may have came from him in terms of attempting to changw the world for the better. Focus my good dear Hobbit! My father also told me I had three other brothers, that I never saw and he just up and left. He said it like it was nothing, but also looked at me, keying in for any resistance, anger, outrage, disapproval or disgust, so that he could violently.threaten me in the same way. I was the emotional crutch, and I believe that I had one of the upper one percentile of.tormenting childhoods. I was in constant fight-or-flight, and my parents continually said and did things ro my friends that caused them to disown me. Most of my friends would then altogether ignore me in school and be silent toqards me even if I directly talked to them. Growing up I always believe, and even now, that it was all me. There was just something, if I did differently, it would all change for the better. How could my parents have hammered and devicivly extinguished my soul in such a way? How could I have been so empty and.vacuosly accepting of this treatment without a shred of skepticity or irony towards them? Ill tell you how! It.wqs.confiscated, it qas robbed from me! I was violently opposed for just asking questions, threatened with being physically battered with ashtrays, to drink my own.piss in.front.of school mates! I dont understand! How could someone so willingly break me and thwn talk abouy sports and criticise me for staying up ten minutes past my bed time?! What a bunch of fouls! Trully cowardace and crazy-making behavior! I am going to beat the crap out of a chain-linked fence with a hard rubber house I bought from home depot. I scream and let out rhis rage I feel towards these injustices! Could you believe these people threw my six year elder sister on the floor, my father whipped her over twelve times while my mother punched her face full of bruises upon her capture at her friends house! Omg how petrified I was at eleven years old to view such horrors! Im so scared but am in peberage for this emotionql honesty compared to these emotional numbed out characters. These blocks of ice with spikes in their hands to thrash about.innocent children! Its no.wonder im willing to abandon mu daughter. I should duly note, I am.innocent of moral.treason..im innocent of being as horrible as them... I must be.... but the proof is in the pudding, but how can I ask yall for help? If any of you are to comment and offer advice, if its contrary to my own thoughts, I will probqbly just write you off as not understanding or not k owing what its truly like to live in my shoes! Of course you dont! Why does that matter though?! Im trying to avoid change. Im scared, miserable but I dont think im depressed, im just in a state of crisis. You watch for spears! I currently, due to financial reasons, live with three roommates whom are accomplices of violent. A couple who falsely claim their married are constantly rhreayening to kill each other, sta b each other, and have even stqbbed and strangled and hit each other! Im constantly scanning for this when im in thouse to ready an escqpe plan. I dont feel.safe to even.sleep there! Im afraid they will - out of a drunk, unemployed rage, break down my.door and stqb me for drug money! Everyone in the house is unemployed and sells drugs and hustles stolen goods! I dont share my stuff with violent people either nor do I trust people who have sex and sleep.with sociopathic people with sharing fridge food with me. I have no cooked or refridgerated foods because.im.scared they will poison or spit in.my milk, or ill be pissed at how theyve moved or stolen my eggs, I even have to keep my.cookware in my room to prevent them feom burning and.scra try ching.it! Im just so angry at the world for this being allowed! Why is there no help for people.like me in need?! Why?! Why was I threatened by a police officer with jail upon visiting my daughter at a police station?! My daughter only started crying upon seeing my wife and the police officer told me.to give her to him or else hed arrest me.... thqt was the last memory of seeing my daughter.... I hate police, I hate people.... but im sorry. Im sorry this community has to hear this story, or has to deal with the space being taken on their website. Im sorry I dont.donate and im sorry I dont.care more. I mean that genuinely. Im also.sorry to my parents, that I wont be like them. I am not sorry that the grim.reaper isnt allowed to.eat my soul! Im so confused and torn. What is nexr?! My head ache appears to be getting.worse. my cry for help, louder...

Yea I checked it out, kinda deserted site but some informatiin wqs helpful.

My goodness..... Well, I dont know where to go with this. Im proud of you for doing what you wanted despite the clear negative consequences, and sticking it out anyway. I would just not bother with religious people in a consensual, social format. I would prefer lonliness or something. But, what you did was admirable, and your desire and clenched thirst to prevent your possible God child from being subjugated to this mental torture is deeply gratifying. Im awed. Kudos. I was also not gonna mention this because its perhaps somewhat unrelated, but I wish I knew women like you around me! Heck, then we couldve joked about the guy that was provoked into emotional abuse. Break the cycle! Followers like this would probably also be killing jews if they were born in that time, or owning negroes! Its time to unite in stregnth, keep up the great work, it will only get easier to be virtous as time goes on!

I dont like articles likes these. They say other articles and things are wrong, which is kay, but they dont offer what the real reasons are or for what reasons they suspect. Anway, of course forcing bullies to be in school and then forcing them to take classes is going to increase their bullying. Theyre bullying them themselves! I was bullied with grades, whistles, humiliarions, abd being ignored in class. I was forced to be there hello? Is there any wonder why this isnt a way to build compassion with bullies? The peraon writing this article probably doesnt understand that you cant force compassion anymore than you can force consent from someone. You have to be equal with someone to have compassion for them, and id anything, the bully is trying to get cokpassion the same way the school is, innthat light, just with less "its for your own good.".

Thank you tasmlab. Thank you tasmlab.

His weakness, like you said though, is also a double edged sword. I notice he geta enraged at the slightwst auggestion or observation, and registers anything as a slight. You cant wven talk to other people when youre around him, he oftwnly assumes youre talking about him, then he projects his inner critic onto ypu. This is qhat my dad did to me growing up, and if I triggered it he would threaten me with death and abandonment, etc. So theres that experiencw rhat works to his favor. I think not working in the same department is the best thing that could be done, however it wont change thay we still work in the same byilding. He easily finds what peoples weaknesses are, then ezploits them. For instance, if you dont chex k up on your employees as a boss, hell disappear and be flirting with customers, or in the bathroom, or even the breakroom. If you believe stories or expkainat ions ons easily, hell prepare an explanation for you. Its so annoying and painful. My back is stiff, I often dind myself fighting resentment and fending off the xontradictions he spews, kind of like now, but theae people are evwrywhere and im very reailient, but what do I do? I think im gonna start with telling my boss that I cant work with him, but then hes gonna syart spreading stories to othera, essentially poisoning the well, saying that I cant be worked with or im not cooperative, or hell just talk highly badly about me to people after hes gained their trust. The problem is, he already does this im sure, but will more if im not his bitch, or at least pretend to be. I dont talk to others much and he knows this so I think he uses that against me. Today he wasnt working, and I easily got along and chatted with people, but when hea in, hell talk loudly and play into peoples weaknesses. Like hell talk about how his own feet smell good to certain people very loudly, with an overly high pitched laugh, then look at others and they will laugh passively, but then if its someone who asks a random quesrion he qill just answer but then use it as a chance to talk about something very negative about another peraon, usually he makes an indirect argument about sonething you disagreed with him with to another employee when youe e around. If I argue with him directly, others will be provoked into inner fqmily mecosystem conflicts. I work an entey level job, with mostly young people who are rebellious and eqsily leqd on. I dont want to competw with him or play his game, I just want him to leave me the hell alone. So, even after im sure im assigned to work without him, he will still spread these rumors. Plus, theres another xonflict, I dont have many friends, so qhen I use ostracism on him, its nearly impossible and I feel even morw distant from people, because hes talking crap about ke to others, and then im angry for not bwing able to do anyrhing about it and knowing it. He does all these things which are hard to prove, and rely on his or others honesty. I was thinking eqrlier to add to this, the best thing to do is to play it safe. For example, I hears him bedore say "did you ask him if hes lonely?", after an associate had approached me and asked me if I was lonely, which I assumed was sent by him. The rhing is is I cant prove this, but I know its true. Im interested in proving it so he doesnt twll others im paranoid and people believe him or the people he picks will play dumb and then through numbers, he may get overall social approval at my expense. Im very worried about that, but I think most people sont care to be honest. I mean, youll always have people who are into drama, but most people wont care overall. And the ones into drama dont carw abouy whethet what is said is true, just if theres an emotional reactiob that makes them feel dominant or in control, or that causes tension for them to have meqning in their life. So I think, which is what I did before, the beat thing to do is ignore him and play his game when I have to deal with him, but make it so he has to spend a ton of energy in orser to talk or do anything wth me. Ill just keep asking him questions. He hates questions because he feels the laughing heads of humiliation and shame for not knowing an answer, so ill have to provoke that within him contonually, whicj then I can dog him if he rages. I cant confront him dirextly, ive tried it before and what happens is he juat plays dumb and laughs. For instance, he pretended to accidently knee me one time after I said something to someone else, vut I believe he thought I meant it to him, or overall the content was perverse to him. I within ten seconds went right up to his face and said "dont hit me ever again", and he gave me that foolish silly look I just cant stand, then I told my supervisor what happened and she said shes talk to him. He hasnt hit me since. Although, there was another incident, where he threw an uppercut to my ballsack, but a foot infront of it, this was after he said somethinf that was obciouslt contradictory and I lookes over to the le ft. This was traumatic to me. I repkayed the scenerio in my head like ten times so I knew what to do next time. He did this to several other people as well. But I will just continue what I did bedore. I will ignore him, he has no inner life and projects his inner critic to everyone else instead if himself. Its overly harsh and very unrealistic and cruel he laughs when he hears little babies cry, just absolutely vicious and twisted stuff, at least wmotiinally theres that possibility.Wesley, nothing more than social xonsequences and him spreading false rumors. If im honest about why im moving, "he threw an upperxut to my ballsack in the past", "he disappears continually and rushes through work, I find I have to continually redo over the "work", he did. Unfortunately for my sake, I sometimes want to know his tricks so I have a better assessment for what he thinks so I can dedend myself. So we trade information about ourselves. I was also very socially isolated this day and my desire dor human connection was strong. After I write for a while, I find I want to socialize, or if I read for a while and meditate, usually when all my needa are met, something similar to hazlows needa chart or something, but im done. Although ive said this before, the stajes are too high. Ilk give him only simple information about myself that is work related, but only if there is a prusent reason to. This will be somewhat disarming and alarming to him. When I ignore him he just makes these noises like hes hurt or clearing his throat so I look at him, and then pretends like he just noticed me in that moment and says hi. Everything is indirecr with him. Im so angry just thinking about this im probably gonna beat the crap out of the ground today with a rubber hollow pipe. How do I deal with this berzerk individual?Wesley, nothing more than social xonsequences and him spreading false rumors. If im honest about why im moving, "he threw an upperxut to my ballsack in the past", "he disappears continually and rushes through work, I find I have to continually redo over the "work", he did. Unfortunately for my sake, I sometimes want to know his tricks so I have a better assessment for what he thinks so I can dedend myself. So we trade information about ourselves. I was also very socially isolated this day and my desire dor human connection was strong. After I write for a while, I find I want to socialize, or if I read for a while and meditate, usually when all my needa are met, something similar to hazlows needa chart or something, but im done. Although ive said this before, the stajes are too high. Ilk give him only simple information about myself that is work related, but only if there is a prusent reason to. This will be somewhat disarming and alarming to him. When I ignore him he just makes these noises like hes hurt or clearing his throat so I look at him, and then pretends like he just noticed me in that moment and says hi. Everything is indirecr with him. Im so angry just thinking about this im probably gonna beat the crap out of the ground today with a rubber hollow pipe. How do I deal with this berzerk individual?Armitage, I dont want to. I dont really care about what others think of me, generqlly speaking, like he does. Im just concerned with self-defense, or in other words, revealing his tainting tactics to other people. I think what im gonna start doing is telling other people.what I think hes doing, like I kind of am here, so that there is an opposing narrative. But, I have only an idea of who he tqlks to and if they even remeber, thats whats so tiresome and stressful about it. This is ewting away at my energy and I think kind of the point. But, I dont want to put everybody in a mediator position, or make them into some form of debate moderator or whatever, or counsellor for the both of us, or, really, what its realky like, is the letter "V". You figure the point in the middle is the seperate third party, and a v would be tqo seperate lines without it. This is my point, he only communicates indirectly, unless he already has your attentiin. He rarely ever takes the chance of saying hi to you in case you ignore him. This is also partly why I chatted with him before because it was getting.annoying with how he spent so much time avoiding me. But I will just say hi, not confide personal beliefs, thats foolish hes a predator, hes an emotionally toxic magician. Someone who thinks crying and anger is funny, and being charming is the height of wisdom, and appearing to be very confident the other crux of personhood, is a damaged good capable of much destruction. Hes so over confident, I cant atand it. I think this is somewhat personal, but im somewhat envious of his ability to be so superficial and charming. He never expresses doubt or hesitation, expressing those characteristica and he will have already lost you and pribably think of tou as inferior.Sorry, I know this is wrong, I want as much feedback as possible though. I really appreciaye you guys help. Heres a list of his characteristics:Charming, confident, elloquent, good short term memory, good at dividing people into conflicts, good at recognizing weaknesses and blind spots in people.and provoking those weaknesses then controlling the environment to their advantage.For instance, when I first started working here I opened up myself deeply, figuring it would be a good way to test the waters. I know this to be wrong now, and its better to observe others friends and interactions and maybe ask questions or just mention a few things lightly, to minimize the expense of a volatile reaction until these people.and.if any of these people.pass the trust and consistent healthy threshhold. Also, its rewlly awkward in my line of work to be rmotionally open becausr of the trwfficking of customers is very great. You also dont want to step on other peoples toes. I think work should be work, but bei mg pight and having fun, well thats another topic. So, anyway, I was embarassed to answet questions and show my strongly opionated parta to him, so whenevet I made a knowledge claim, like "I liked this part of the movie", he eventually realized I would blush if I was put on the spot that way. So, I expected him to do this and just spoke confidently and was warm to the idea and didnt blush, because I knew I wouldnt be misunderstood either. Most of the problems I had qas being way to vulnerable and provocative, talking about family abuse in front of groups of people is highly embarassi ng if youre then interpreted as just trying to be a victim or something. Well, what ive understood is that I can just mention things whicheverybody can talk about on a neutral level. So, more characteristics,He likes to knoe what your bounderies are, then he will act against them with malicious attempt and then fog you...Either by taking equipmrnt your using, puting his workload on your equipment or assigning you a job when he has no right to tell you. If you tell him no, hell say he does you fsvors all the time or something, so then I have to work to comtinually dind exceptions in what hes saying. I think this however is the only way to do it.Here is my formula for action thus far:Ask him as many questions as possible whenever I suspect unconscious stuff being projected onto me, so then we will be talking about whats important, or we'll be talking less often or both, bexause he will feel like a vulnerable child, something that deflayes his fragile ego.I will also continually say hi to him, but then he will pretend he didnt hewr me if he wants and I will just tell him "you can ask me questions you know", or "I think your just pretending not to hear me so you have my attention", but im also scared to do this. Im scared of his rage which he demonstrates regurally to people eho point him out on the spot. This is wherr im unsure. Hes said to another employee, "ill.hit you with this", or something violent. If he does that, im just gonna have to tell. I would just rather avoid that. I dont want to also be terminayed because I am one of the associates along him that are involved. The last job I had I reported my manager fir saying she would cut off another associates balls. I was fired a week after this. Im fearful this will happen to me again..... oh god...

Wesley, Astute observation.... you see, its difficult though, because hes very charming. I dont know if youve had this experience, but he learns what you like and he pretends hes like that, then he also finds what people dislike and spreads rumors as if he is oblivious and with you emotionally when hes reallu soing it purposely. For instance, hell say "oh he has no intregity, you know that?" "Hes got absolutely no integrity", "no integrity, he has no integrity." He told me rhia after we had a discussion about peraonal integrity four days earlier. He also openly talks about how hes writing abouy everybody in the breakroom, and that we are all charactera in his movie. His weakness,

Armitage, yes but I dont sant ti pursue. I am fearful I may lose my job. I also fear I will lose respect from your other people. Theres over ninety people that work here. Im sure other people are irritated and confused around him as I am, but if I tell then management will kniw I follow the rules, and our relationship will pribably crumble. Im at work now, im gonna start off small and tell him I dont like heaeing the verbal abuse of ithers. He will probably find that hilarious and continue to do it around me, so as to say "fuck you", which is better than him relyijg n me to listen to his shit. There is no salvation or solution with him directly, he is constwntly doing this kind of stuff to everyone. He makes up stories about people by using what he know you despise and pretending the other person has thise negative qualities. The thing is, if I tell him I know this, its annoying because then he completely changes and pretends hes just like yu and your defenses are lowered and he does the same thing over again. Its all a game, it reminds me if the movie predator, where the alien is invisible and camoflaged within nature. He tries to be like you because he figures youll like yourself. I just cant fucking stand it though, but he also oikes getting peole angry, he figures the first persn too get angry, loses. This is where my problem lies, I have an above average amount of fear and anger in confrntar ions and I dont want to use it on a troll oike sadist who irgasms over it, but its also a oanguage he desnt speak. He never gets angry ever, but then flexing my anger around him may scare others off at work. So reaooy its oike a war if yiur reputation with others. I want ti say forget it I dont caee I need ti stand up for myself, I mean I really dnt, I understand most people are pretty much pro-violence and go foe whoever is just more elloquent or charming, their sort of like sugar to ants with people. I find charm to be skeptical over, while others massage themselves with a blindfold to these peopoe! But I dont know, this is very important and its hard to stay strong believe ng isolated in standing up to him but im give nna start with continuqlly speaking my mind. I also cant confide in him whatsoever. You dont try ti get close to asnake! But anything I di tell him or he finds out I will just know hes gonna use it as a weapon or psychological tactic to woe or soothe me into his propaganda.

I work with one at a corporation. Hes always saying verbally abusive things about other people and propagandizing people, trying to divide people by making up stories, and loves humiluating people and finds other people crying funny. But this guy is often paired with me as we work in similar departments. If I explained what he does, I think it will go over their head or they wont care.....

Rhode island is state, USA Rhode island is state, USA

So im having terrible dificulties finding a safe place to live. Ive gone from the third floor to the first floor within the last 20 days, roughly. I moved out of my parents to flea my Dad's increasingly aggressiveness, as well as very easily triggered violent outbursts that could manifest rather easily in any number of ways. But, to the point, im gonna be moving out from this place, because the landlord doesnt do criminal background checks, and most of these people here I find are unemployed, they are more likely, and almost absolutely, fucking losers. Nothing against them, but sucking off the big ol' titties of welfare and food assistance, isnt a prideful and winning way to be. Anyhow, my first experience within this building, under this Landlord was on the third floor. On my first night this woman there, who wasnt even a tenant, I knew was crazy. She was so fucking crazy. The tenant she was visiting had a violent/passive relationship with her that ranged very thinly, meaning hed go from a delicate, low octave, library voice, to a shrilling, shrieking, "Cover, grenade!" Kind of voice, with a bit of firey rage injected. He switched back from cold to hot like a light switch. The woman, and they were both in their 60s, or a little younger, was being accused of stealing his cell phone, which I believe she did based on her wacky boundery sense. For instance, she doesnt even live in the house and she said "im in charge of all the cleaning, I take care of this place", as if she even has a say, or that I need to negotiate with her about it. The way it was said, was sweet, but, so is antifreeze if you put a little powdered sugar in it! She also tried getting me to get into the room with her to meet the guy in there. His bedroom. The guy, well, said "No!" with about three second pauses, as if he were catching his breath for another gaspy reply. Long story short, she ended up pushing all his buttons and getting touched up by him, and she exclaimes "so youre gonna rape me!" But she just stood there, and when he walkes away shed continue to go back at him and push mire huttons. Then he would punch her and thriw her around. I was petrified. I did nothing but listen, locking myself in the room. It was fucking psychotic. I think the guy was on meda because when I told the landlord he said he just got out of a mental hospital like a ix months ago. I figurr this kind of consensual bashing of acting out broken childhoods is something that people enjoy. I recall when.an ex said all the things I hated the most, I even expressedly, explicitly told her things not to say that were sensitive to me, and things would only stop if I acted out in a way that was against my values. She of course, rhen used this over me. But I was just agitates and knew that but she would always get toxic and destructive if we talked about. What can you expect though from a youngest daughter whos father abandoned her at three, and had two older sinlinga, the brother thenoldest, and a mid sister, with a chronically religious - if you dont pray before you eat bad things will happen to tou, kind of peraon, who uses religious abstractions as "answers" to everyday physical things to the point where a door is the fucking "source" w hich cant be defined and is up to everybody! Lmao, what an easy way to escape fault too! I wonder if thats the reason she uses it! Wait did I say wonder? I meant thunder! Im so angry with these situations!

Looked up the wrong address and ended up 40 minutes away from target! Hah, some times I miss simple, yet important information. I looked over the address so quickly thinking I knew it. It happens, right? Anyhow, we are rescheduling another date. Thanks for your intereat !

Yes, im excited! Can you feel that beat?! Anyhow, the inner critic, yip, there's an "Aristotealian mean". Most people.I find have a disconnected relationship that continues all day, although that qas me for most of my life, im sure if youre a Nurse with clean needles, your not gonna infect your staff with dirty, broken ones, which is what mine has been the most, poisoned hy the toxins of my parents, and self-replicating throughout everywhere in myself. I stopped hitting myself in the face about four years ago. I think im finally confident enough (perhaps still wrong) to talk about this. The inner critic is basically your own relationsgip to your vulnerabilites, problems, moral or virtuous transgressions, simple mistakes like tripping, to not brushing your teeth or running over a squirrel. Its very important for relationships. If you have a compact skateboard, with smooth edges and good traction, why would you use a broken one, and if someone threw a broken skateboard in yourpath, youd be irate, avoidant and knocked back a bit. This is the relqtionship between a heqlthy inner critic to somebody's unheqlthy one. So healthy is, to be horselike, or to be doing 65 on the highway. Not 40, or youre falling behind, 85, and your putting yourself and others in danger. You must be like a ropey feather, tightly looping your goal, with steady hands, medium gloves, and a tight, concentrated grip, pill that bucket of water! If you strain, squeeze, keep pushing, if your knees buckle, take a few, if you sweat, wipe it off if necessary. It is a give and take. I think worse than a soft, dejected, avoidant critique, which the person will then use emotional defenses, scape-goating, blaming, even self-lying. It is about avoiding their whip, and seeing everybody epse as bull trainers as well, except the red flag is in front of them after wvery mistqke they make! Theyre their own worst enemy! Say hi to your inner critic for me, lets embrace it and recover its smashed bits together! Oh and wish me luck.on my job interview in 10 mins! Sorry. Will ammend later.

The following is a wide-eyed, whipped and funnelled around take on my early experience with my parents. The story will rock and roll between examples, descriptions, Interpretations, feelings, narratives and the like. Im writng this in advance because I feel scrambled and disorganized. If I attempt to type on my little, on-screen keyboard on my droid, in a more organized fashion. I will prefer to physically write on my legal pad. I hope this is a good first impression, being this is my first post, despite my, what I presume will be, cluttered and muddled thoughts. Take a walk with me..... You're six years old. Sitting down at the table. You review to yourself in flashes, how people In school dont talk to you. How youre naturally bigger than other people, and the teacher told your mom she thought you were gonna be a bully, simply because you were a lot taller, by about six inches, than the average person in my grade, in this particular elementary school. You have a few friends, but you dont know how to be friends with them. For instance, you acquired a phone number from a friend and continually called him, say three or four times, usually within a breath of each other. You talk to him about school, but you dont know what to say. Youre both on the phone. You wanted to talk to someone so bad. But now youre silent. He asks, "Do you know how many days are in the year?", I pause, the answer doesnt come right away, but I want to know this, so I take more time, a few seconds, "uuuuummmm", "You dont know how many days are in a year?" "Well no, my parents never taught me, nor did they in school", my friend doesnt say anything, then says, "its 365". I scratch, beg, yearn, reach for something to tell him, that I could show and teach him. Nothing comes to mind and he ends the phone call politely. Several times later, I think of a game. I figure this is a way where I can entertain him, and be generous so he'll keep coming back. I picked a game I knew hed like. I had to ask him a question, if he couldnt answer it, it was my turn. The first person to answer the question right would win a prize. He won every time. I never gave him anything. I told him id mail him something, or give him something in class. Both things didnt happen. Actually, I did mail him something, with a lot of poking and prodding by me to get my mom to mail the envelop, teach me what I needed to get in order to send it, etc. I told him it was a surprise, and I did send him something unique, although I dont remember, it may have been a little toy or something, along with a letter I wrote him. He eventually, after a week or so, never answered my calls, and mostly ignored me in school. I was sad. Nobody cared in my house or school. I had no friends. There was never anyone there for emotional support. I was devastated..... Anyway, back to the dinner table.....or should I say... Now, the dinner table. My mother always thought she knew better than me. Better than my body. My dad was a man who took orders from my mom. There was never a question, if he disagreed he was just slightly sympathetic in his tone, or slightly less harsh, and may, several days later, give an informal apology, telling me he doesnt understand my mother, or something very similar. Something that has always bugged me, that I was severely torn at the time about, was my mothers willingness to lie, and in the face of her lie, show no signs of guilt, remorse, care or empathy. She was a living stone. Worse, she is attracted to the mythology and symbology of Medusa! Shell turn you into stone! For example, my mother would tell me, at my request, "I didnt put any salt into your mashed potatoes", I would ask her repeatedly. I already, at this point, was very skeptical of her. I always knew she was up to no good. But I had to see it. I had to know it wasnt me. It even got to the point where I physically saw her put salt in the mashed potatoes when she said she wouldnt! When I caught her and questioned her with shock and appallment, she then, no, didnt acknowledge that she poisoned my image of a healthy family. Nor that she poisoned my trust for her word, or even that I caught her lying, or that she lied. She went right into self-designated, nutritional expert. "Its good for you, if you dont get enough salt, you could get sick." I tried reasoning with her, as earnest as ever to find a methodology where we could work together. Where there could be some consistency, some SAFE structure. It didnt happen.... it just got worse... " theres already salt in the mashed potatoes"... as I looked at her, she didnt say a thing, I could tell by her look, she was trying to find a way to be "right", at this point that meant just trying to cover what she did into "this is for your own good", to avoid being vulnerable or open. She has to be in control. Afterall, mother knows best. And she has this bull. This God Forsaken bull! My mom can call upon my father to unleash these dark, red-eyed unsavory dragons, these jaws of shame, denial, threats of violence, of having my head bashed and cracked open with an ash tray. Of having my mouth "washed out with soap", was his saying. Id be instantly terrified. I was always terrified of my father. He was a monster, a reason to have nightmares, he is chemical "X", he is that guy you never want to, by chance, walk by in the park. You know, by the look in his eye, if youre weak, if youre vulnerable to him, in anyway, and he can find an a ti-rational, or repressed emotional "reason", to hurt you, whether its the scowl look, etc. He will. But im unnecessarily building my father up. Such a necessary person to understand! Such a necessary step for my recovery! For my journy of an accurate and rational emotional perspective! Afterall, he is my masculine role model, and ive been forged into him in ways that im not yet conscious! All it will take is a more conscious and ready evil to over ride and control my unconscious, vulnerable black-void to evil, to levy control over me. No! Not this guy! I see the light, I feel the fire! Im in the belly of the beast! Must break free! Lets unite with truth, reason, evidence.....and finalllllly...... freedom.... So then I told my mom, as she was readying another emotional defense, "or how about all the salt and vinegar chips I ate"... (I kept going, she seemed to be turning) "or that im havi g so much. This is such a big plate. Theres salt in ham and butter too. I. Getting too much! I dont like the taste!" I should note. Firstly, im sure, readers who made it this far, may be less likely to move on. Because now I will petty you with specifics of my little rotten life event! I would usually first use the emotional responses, like "no, thats too much!" My mom quickly ate those up. I found I had to give it my all. I had to be highly emotional and rational and have a solid footing on what I want (the last part the easiest at this age I wasnt yet completely turned to stone). This interaction ended with her saying, "Im sorry, I wont do it again." Within that same week, I believe two or three days, maybe even the next day. She used salt on my mashed potatoes. She didnt forget. Iasked her not to several times each day I knew she was making potaties. She also, when I tasted the salt and said "theres salt on here, im not dumb" or something. She had a canned reaction, it happened within that very same moment. Like she knew what she did, that I would probably find out and react, and shed add it anyway and just respond in this way to shut me up. I dont remember what it was at this point. But I really gave up. I totally gave up. I just completely gave up. There was nothing. I didnt know what to do or say. My father, I think, actually sided with my mom also, again, let me be really clear. My father was like a side-arm on my moms hip, double barrel shotgun if that aasnt enough, a shit sandwich to remind you whise boss, and above all, completely and utterly incapable of beinv reasonable when needed the most. To the contrary, he was violent, vicious and upsetting. He was, at best, a big fucking wart on your nose, like a very ugly poor old man you just wanted to push out of your wqy because he wont oeave you alone but hes so desperate. My father, was a man tied to my moms panties, all he had to do, is say "no", or "stop", or not oppress, and murder my conscience. The man is a true blue criminal of a healthy emotionally developmental state. This brings me to something else... A spine. My father, an impotent, "tell me to jump, ill ask hiw high", kind if coward. Picked on and tortured me in all ways psychological. He would tell me to lick ends if a battery, reassuring my doubts of the ssfety by telling me it wont hurt, then surprised, at about five, I believed him and did it, then laughing hysterically over it, as again, I was shcoked and appalled, scared to death and completely confused. Wasnt he supposed to take care of me? He was always on a hair-trigger. He revurally threatened his boss with kicking his ass when fraud was commited. But then hed get cheated again and go throw the same display of emotions but do nothing. Well, this explai s a lot about me. This all does. I want to have a spine, my dad had a fucking corkscrew, a jelly fish, needles in the face and the back. He had rage if you had a passive, trance-like, ill accept you and even pretend to envy you kind of atate. My father groomed me to be terrorized. And a rerrorizer. By golly, was I great at hurting people. Unfortunatelg, I still am. I always will be, but not for evil! Lord Vador, youre crimes are great but your soul is weak! I will slay you with my sword of truth, passion and pride! I will not be squished. I will not keep these invisible chains! I will find every key from my past, every light switch turned off in my unconsciius! I will be a genuine human being capable of love! I will master UPB, and I will only accept non-abusive pro self-knowledge relationships. Shit just got real. Wayward, Captain! I hated eating with my parents. I wouldnt be able to get up unless I finished everything on my plate. My dad would tell me this regurally. Of course, he didnt follow this rule. Hed hide Behind my moms back and scrape bits, or more than half of the food off and feed it to his dog! Hed wait for the moment when she wasntooking to trash it! He gave her his whole 800 $ a week paycheck, and begged for 50 $ out of it! Even that he had to fight for! And my mother had the gall to tell him to quit smoking cigarettes, and my dad even hid it from her that he was smoking when he told her he quit. All the while my mom was dropping about 400 $ a week on weed! My mom said he needs to quit because it costs too much money! She even used my D.A.R.E. shirt as a reason for him to stop. All the while she was smoking weed and costing this man a fortune! His lifs, his savings, his sense of self, his pride! And he took it like a good obedient dog! Like a doormat! The man was being hung like a coat! Not me! I will stand up for myself! Counselling, journaling, dreams, relationships, nutrition, exercise, music, art, philosophy, poetry! These are the tools of the intelligent! Creativity, joy, anger! A fool can also have these tools, but a spine and some morals will truly seperate you from the rest! How about you tell her how about you get a job! If youre so interestdd in money, then quit being unemployed and get a damn job! If youre so jolly about money, if you really want to save money, go get some counselling, go attend a group, go for a walk, think of your children, your family, think of yourself, your future! Youre an unempliyed drug addict, with very little education. How about stop buying junk from family dollar that cost twenty bucks a week and gets thrown out the next week! How about, stop talking to your son like hes a little boy, then he will grow up faster and get a jib and be more independent! How about letting me work mother, a very beautiful, virtuous and delicate mother! How about not restraining me from getting a job because "it makes you spoiled and greedy." Yes, oh great! Nothing worse than learning the value of a dollar, learning how to cooperate with others, serve customers, bake, what it takes to be successful, or prepraring me for my future. Seriously, I can smell the spoiled milk from here! Oh, and greed. Yeah, because bribing me with enduring your shit, with going food shopping withyou, by you promising me fast food, or you just handing me some free money, that wont make me greedy. No, by golly, gee wiz. That would never make me think I dont have to earn thibgs. I mean, well lets be fair. You were a handful. I couldnt stand you, not fir a moment. You were somebody I couldnt stand! You made me follow you. I couldnt explore. You got irritated by the question. I was a kid that needed to be domesticated abd rewarded for my submission. I needed to survive afterall. Aw hell, dont get me started oh great mother! I know you meant well and thats all that matters afterall! Youre my mother, you cant do any wrong. You wouldnt lie, you wouldnt blackmail me with not being fed if I didnt go with you. You wouldnt tell me I couodnt say that I was starving because kids in africa starve and im not them. 'You think you have it so bad." No, I know I do! I have it so bad because im starving and youre telling me a story about Africans and trying to correct my usage of words, and dont know how to feed me! Your ideal meal is frozen french fries and t.v dinners! You cant even feed yourself how could you feed me! How could you clqim to be an authority over me! It sickens me! It really sickens me! I know how to eat food and go by the signals of my body! You degrade me for only eating half a bowl of macoroni and cheese! "Oh, you used to be abke to eat a whole bowl, you cant even eat half a bowl now." "Youre fetting too skinny, I think youre getting sick", says the thirty something year old, 50 percent body weight, 230 pounder shorty! Ah, such a living proof of nutritional empricial evidence! You going on tour?! Modellinng maybe!? Maybe you should educate a class on your nutritional knowledge! How wonderful and zesty you are dare mother! And of course I was like 25 percent body fat and still like 20 lbs too overweight. But mother knows best. Its not oike im stressing my arteries, damaging capelleries in my eyes, having sugar crashes, eating too much recined foods, feeling bloated and groggy, feeling irritable and nutritionally deprived, could barely jog a quarter mjle, cant compete in sports for my poor health, mostly stemming from bei g overweight and put down a d axcussed of sickness despite feeling and bei g sick onoy afrer eati g this crap. What do you guys think so far? Also I was careful to protect their identity. I hope I was abstract enough.