Save_Yourself

I was coerced with the maddening threat of abandonment by my father, and summoning of my father by my mother, for physical beatings or torture - such as 'washing your mouth out with soap.' Seriously, fuck that. My father was a trucker, and he swore worse than a trucker. It was like every other word was 'fuck', especially when talking about me or my mom, or work or mt step-sister. Things like "Fucking piece of shit, bitch", "Grow some fucking balls", "Fucking ma ma's boy", or "Your Mother's a fucking drug addict". But he would usually be stomping around the house in a pissed off and suppressed rage, uttering these words to himself, and if I didnt ask him whats amatter, and offer a listening and very concentrated ear, and agree with him about everything, he'd furiously unleash this verbal abuse upon me more directly and harshly than ever. If he brought up something like "Your friend cant sleep over", and u saud that's dumb or asked "Why", usually he'd say, "Dont talk back to your parent's - when I was your age...." and list off random threats his single Mom made, such as "My mom would wash my mouth out with soap... throw ash trays at my head... make me sit in the corner of the front of the porch with pissy underwear in my mouth as school kids walked by... kids these days are so spoiled. You pkay too many video games... and it was obvious he was willing and even advocating what his mom did to him. Outrageous and terrifying at the time. Im so relieved in a way because for so long - today, at twenty-four years old, is the first day I 'swore', in front of another kind of 'authority figure' (he's 40 and my roommate). What were your experiences with swearing growing up? How do you feel reading this?

I have different feelings about posting and commenting on the boards here, or my roommates, and people in supermarkets and that I work with. I notice a lot of it comes out of feeling obligated or forced to reply to people. I take different stances. For example, I moved into an apartment with people I didnt know and would rather keep to myself. These people insist on talking to me or asking me questions. When I ignore or give them small responses and they stop - then I sort of feel independent and recognized, and even vaguely guilty and I will initiate chats I dont enjoy. I dont just do them out of guilt, but I think also because this person will probably eventually escalate into conflict with me otherwise. The thing is, its obviously in my way with my relationship towards myself. I try to avoid them and give them half baked 'hellos', etc. When we come in contact. Its hard to say what to do in this situation. I think ive done it all. Any suggestions?