Annick

Apparently, I have one tension with the environment question.

I've had quite a few moments when I wished I could just shake people around me ! Seriously though, there is this question that I think I'll never find the answer to: what makes the difference between someone who starts walking the path, who starts seeing and someone who prefers to stay in denial ? I know that the motivation needs to come from the person, you cannot nudge somebody into seeing. But what is the element that allows some people to take that step ?

I think I know what you're talking about. Years ago, I was journaling a lot in order to put order in my thoughts and find what I thought was the truth about relationships and abuse, etc. At some point, when I started seeing how everything fit together, my mind started making connections so quickly that I couldn't keep up with my writing. It felt as if my mind had started working on its own. Once it started seeing the truth, everything became obvious. During all my years of journaling, the same thoughts would turn in circles and I'd feel blocked and frustrated. But once I reached a certain point, the thoughts started moving forward and connecting to each other in a big network. What I call the "enlightenment" period was extremely fun, exhilarating, fascinating for a while. Until it became frustrating because I found that so very few people are willing to explore those ideas. I've been through phases where I would ponder if I am totally wrong in my views since the big majority of people think differently. And I need to constantly remind myself that it's not because everybody thinks the same thing that they are right. And I much prefer knowing what I know and seeing what I see, even if it feels somewhat lonelier, than going back to all the bullshit that people prefer to hold on to. Denial is the strongest and most horrible disease. It is impossible to shake people out of their bullshit. So we have to enjoy every person we come across who has that motivation to look for the truth.

I know that I fear getting stuck in that cycle of feeling free then falling back into the family position and later feeling like a failure for doing so, I will not accept that. I am not sure how to make that quote thing work, but I wanted to clarify something with what you said here. I'll tell you a little bit more of my story in order to give you the context. I left my country (Belgium) when I was 28 and that physical distance helped me move forward in my journey of discovering who I really was and why I felt so deeply fucked up (because their brainwashing had convinced me that *I* was the problem). Between the age of 28 and 35 - when I had my son - I traveled back a few times to see my family. About 6 months before each trip, I would start feeling deeply tormented and would usually do a bout of therapy. And I'd feel profoundly confused and devastated for another 6 months after coming back. But as hard as that cycle was, each time I would learn something from it and that was priceless. And then since I knew that I'd be knocked down the next time I saw them, I'd prepare for it in the way I told you, by getting myself mentally prepared to go there as an observer and not beat myself down for not having been able to stand up to them. So I would sit through the turmoil while I was there, but collect tons of observations, and then work through them with a therapist once back from hell. (And I would not stay with the same therapist for years. As soon as I could see that a therapist was blocked with their own issues, I would find one that could help me in my next step). So my advice to you would be to not see it as a failure if you go through a similar cycle. Healing from abuse is a process. What surprised me the most in my years of searching is how deep the emotional damage is. Many times, I thought that I had finally understood and that I had finally healed, just to discover that the damage was way deeper than I thought. And what I realized is that healing is a process, a journey, where you discover pieces of a puzzle, and you slowly put them together. And you better enjoy the journey because nobody knows what the destination is. One important lesson for me was to discover that every time I was hard with myself, every time I was beating myself down, I was actually honoring my abusers. That is the abusers' strength. They brainwash you so well that at some point, they don't need to beat you down anymore, you will do it yourself ! (You know that little voice in your head telling you that you're never good enough). I discovered that we are not born perfectionist. But as a child, you just want to please your parents, you want to be acknowledged and loved, so you work your ass off for that goal ... that you will never reach. So remember to be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey, focus on learning to love yourself just the way you are. I have a standard for what is acceptable in a relationship with them and am willing to be patient if I see reason to be, but I am not willing to maintain a dysfunctional relationship. I think that's an excellent idea, having a standard of how you want to be respected, and not accept anybody who is not treating you that way. When I stopped talking with my parents, it didn't happen in any dramatic way. I confronted my father only once, when I was 36 and when I was really clear about how fucked up he was. I was not surprised when his only game plan was straight denial of everything. So during that conversation, it became clear to me that it was the last time I was seeing him. He showed me very clearly that no conversation was possible. So I cut the visit short, and never saw him again, not even feeling the need to let him know that I was done with him. With my mother, I had tried many times throughout the years to talk with her or write her letters, but she is so egocentric that she couldn't hear anything I was telling her. So I stopped trying. Then slowly, as I started loving myself more and started realizing that I would not let people disrespect me anymore, I started feeling annoyed by her empty e-mails and her attempts at manipulation when I was not taking the bait anymore. And one day, I just decided not to reply anymore, I was too tired of playing games. She made a final attempt, asking me why I was not replying and asking me to let her know if I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I realized that I didn't owe her anything and that whatever I tried to explain to her, she would just act the martyr that she thinks she is. My biggest victory was to feel perfectly content not to hit "reply" anymore. All that long story to make the point that your internal work is as interesting and valuable, if not more than trying to get something from your parents. Good luck to you. I don't know if you heard of her, but Alice Miller's books are very interesting.

I saw your post yesterday but didn't have enough time to write a thoughtful answer then. I am sorry that you have such a shitty family. Lots of things you say remind me of my own journey in recovering from a destructive upbringing. I want to encourage you on your path to discover your truth. One of my first questions to you is ... what is your real, deep motivation when you think about confronting them ? What are your expectations ? You say that you want to see some remorse or virtue in their positions and actions. And what if they don't give you any of that ? What if the only thing they can give you in return is just some more manipulation games ? When we are kids, we need to know that we are loved by our parents because it is vital, our life depends on it. Which is why we love them even when we are severely abused. In my own experience, I have found that, even as I was very actively working on learning how to love myself as an adult and recover from the abuse, that deep yearning to be finally seen and loved by my parents was still very alive, very deep within me. And I confronted them several times. And every time, I had the feeling that I had run into a wall, once again. Because the only thing they were offering me was either denial, or excuses, or more manipulation. In the end, what helped me the most was the work I did on myself on my own, away from them. And the fantasy that one day they would acknowledge the wrong they did remained just that ... a fantasy. And in the end, their participation is not needed for us to learn and recover. From your post, it sounds like you are still somewhat emotional about the whole issue and wondering if you should let the emotions come out when talking with them. I apologize for referring to my story but I am hoping that you can draw some parallels. I moved away from my country (and from my parents) and that physical distance helped me a lot in finally understanding the sick dynamics that were going on in my family. And I had the feeling that I had become a much stronger person and that I was now ready to meet them again, as a stronger adult. But every time I traveled back to meet them, I was instantly thrown back in my old position in the family, as the stupid little girl who cannot speak up for herself. It was very discouraging as it left me every time with the feeling that my recovery was just fake, that I hadn't learned one single thing. But the reality is that their abuse, their manipulation is extremely strong and will pull us back exactly where we have been taught we belong. So it is worth taking the time to figure out exactly what you want to make of those confrontations. I think that those confrontations (whether you write to them or meet with them) should be used as an opportunity for a scientific observation. It may not be possible to keep your emotional distance at the time of the meeting itself. But afterwards, take the time to step back and replay everything they said, didn't say, did, didn't do ... same thing for your own behaviors. Observe and analyze. Don't take their words for it. Trust what you see and what you feel. Now, I do not intend to make any excuses for them but in the past couple months I have become less enraged and traumatized by things (or suppressed those feelings) and am trying to assess everything before I address them. There are some facets of my parents that I genuinely did admire growing up compared to the families and culture I saw around me. I had no doubt that my parents loved each other and at least lived up to their standard for love in regards to their children. And when myself and my brothers were getting older my mother did come to us concerned about how we felt with the way we were raised. Having been blatantly conditioned to sympathize with her, I assured her that she had been great but basically dad was a hardass and a dick, a thing we did not hide but we also displayed some kind of unhealthy stock-holmian "respect". What has made you feel less enraged recently ? I think that the only healthy way to grow is to allow ourselves to feel real anger against our abusers. As an adult, we can easily find logical explanations to their behaviors and their choices. But the little child inside you who has been hurt needs somebody to take his side, to tell him that he has been abused, that he has been hurt and that it is unacceptable, that it is a tragedy. He needs an adult to hold his hands and listen to his pain. How does your mother react when you talk to her about your father ? I have a feeling, from only a few lines, that she feels guilty and that she wants to be reassured that you love her. But her manipulation is probably way more subtle than what's coming from your father. I am sorry if this post is somewhat disorganized and I apologize for the poor English. Don't give up in your attempts to find your truth. Make sure that you keep your expectations in check when you make plans to confront them.