giancoli

That's brutal man. Hope you are able to navigate through this...Only wanted to express my sympathy for ur situation.

Hi, talked to you a little bit on the chat yesterday Hmm I really want to give you something insightful, but I'm not sure I'm able to. I think it's important to distinguish between plain boring people or stupid people and evil people who plays dirty and brings you down. Sounds from what you wrote that these people fell into the former category? Off course if you don't gain anything positive out of it then there's no reason to continue. But I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed. You are a separate human being. From personal experience I have regretted several times to not simply just saying out loud what I think and feel. You could have simply stated that you were not enjoying your self and why you were not and that you did not want to finish the game. Sometimes when you do some activity then people get all caught up, but it takes strength and courage to take a step back and say that you are simply not enjoying ur self. Then what can happen is that people who seemed to enjoy themselves were really not, and people who seemed secure starts looking all confused and unsure. You can tell alot from the reactions you get by doing that I think. The true and false self stuff I don't know anything about, well I'm trying to learn about it. Someone helped me out with a link to the book by Alice Miller called 'the drama of the gifted child'. Maybe you can check it out. Personally I'm a little skeptical towards the concept of a true and false self. Not saying it is untrue, only that I'm skeptical of it. Here's the link to the book: http://www.psych.yorku.ca/eavitzur/documents/Dramaofthegiftedchild.pdf

I just came across a phenomena on deviantart. It's photomanipulated women with a text of a story that they had eaten their boyfriend, family members and so on. Just for fun I googled 'fantasies of eating my boyfriend' and it's scary to read the stories that come up. here is one about a single mother that fantasizes about cooking and eating her son: http://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/1qzvzx/i_fantasize_about_eating_my_son/ And this woman wants to kill and eat her boyfriend: http://www.psychforums.com/paraphilias/topic75867.html There certainly are some crazy people, and in this case women out there... Just felt like sharing it cause it was somewhat related ti this.

scary stuff, glad I stopped after one week on them. I felt like a zombie....better to be sad than to feel nothing at all....

barbarossa made a video commenting on that video. It's the typical male fantasy of a woman, but sadly it is only a fantasy and a very dangerous one. Real women despise weakness in men, they don't see us as equals, as humans, only disposable utilities, a means to an end. There might be some odd exceptions, but it's hard to spot them, cause they hide their intentions, maybe even to them selves.

Beautiful speech! You can see how passionate she is about this topic.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17pxxh_steve-roach-closer_music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Oab9BepdeE http://steveroach.com/Music/discography.php?albumID=28 Anyone enjoys visual art? Take a look at my favourites on deviantart: http://giancoli.deviantart.com/favourites/ http://giancoli.deviantart.com/favourites/61605159/Karezoid-div

very interesting topic...although politically incorrect (which gives me some weird satisfaction) Two ideas: The further away from equator the more you have seasons, which means more irregular periods of food availability, which requires more planning (or very advanced instincts, which is off course possible) So this theory focuses on survival. Another route which is often forgotten is the sexual part. There are reasons to suspect intelligence is partly evolved due to sexual selection, that is selection due to mating preferences and mate competition. One thing that encourages this point of view is the fact that intelligence didn't evolve in the millions of other species on the planet, which seems to suggest it's an unlikely event. Now sexual selection is far more random than natural selection (survival), which often "discovers" the same solutions over and over again. Part of the random nature of sexual selection is something called fisherian runaway, which basically is an positive feedback effect...due to the component that something is attractive just by the fact that it is attractive...just a random preference can rize up and gain momentum by being more and more "popular". So then comes the question is there any reason why there should be a higher sexual selection for intelligent mates further away from the equator? Now this can maybe go back to the environment again in that females are more vulnerable in harsher climates and so selects mates... Another interesting correlation is between intelligence and r vs. k mating strategies....again in a harsher climate it might be more advantageous to go for the quality over quantity route. Hence males who had few offspring that they invested highly in would possibly do better closer to the poles where it was more difficult to survive. Males could then pass on knowledge to their offspring in how to survive. If this theory is true, males who have an inclination to fuck around alot and not bond with their female partner should tend to be less intelligent. I have read something about europeans having neanderthals genes...but I have not read more in depth about this. This doesn't explain anything in the ultimate sense off course though, but is an interesting historical fact and a piece off the puzzle (if it's true).

Thanks for sharing ur ideas and feelings. I have a deep fear of employment my self....I would really prefer being my own boss...I hate being ordered around by some asshole. I could also relate to the fear of rationalizing my laziness, this comes (to what extent I don't know) from my dad, who always told me that finding causes where excuses for my own limitations. Did your parents do the same to you? That is if you had some problem or weakness and tried to find it's psychological origin, they interpreted it as harmful blaming with the only motivation of pushing away responsibility and your own weaknesses. I'm not trying to make this about me, just sharing my point of view and asking if you had similar experiences. Inquiry into causes == excuses for lack of action (my dads point of view) I'm somewhat worried about your need for approval from others that you have to work on, it's important for your path towards freedom and independence. Hey at least your honest about it. If you openly state your weakness, that puts it on the table, you're aware of it...then if people take advantage of it, they have to do so on that basis, which is more risky (most people are self serving cost-benefit-machines). Just a thought. Would be interesting to hear what stef has to say about that nightmare of yours, of realizing in class you have no trousers. Social ridicule is the fear, that much seems pretty clear to me. But why exactly in that way? There are so many ways of making a fool of your self. Must be some sexual component to this don't you think?( there's nothing wrong with that off course, sex is pretty fundamental to our psychology) Isn't it enraging when you finally pull your self out off a depression solely by your own strength and look back of the dark years...and the complete lack off care by those around you...off course not explicit lack off care, that would harm their reputation for being a "good person"...but besides the acting..underneath...complete lack of care...or even worse...a secret sadistic pleasure...with a fake sympathetic mask on top of it....this is particularity true for me with the females in my family....the pretense of sympathy...with a few words here and there... with a exaggerated mild light voice...but no action..nothing that actuality takes some effort and cost them something. I compare it to a nice dress... the sympathy shirt, look how nice this shirt is....it makes me look so good....that's why I put it on, it has an effect on peoples impression of me....complete self serving deception. After I became aware of the sympathy shirt, when I see it I can see how their mind is completely involved with how they portray themselves in the moment. Men can and do wear the sympathy shirt as well by the way, it's a human thing, but particularly common among "the fair sex". By the way, I'm aware that my comments here often are very self involved and perhaps lacking in sympathy, I'm just sharing my point of view. I'm aware that I am perhaps lacking in the ability to put my self in others shoes....that's why I seldom say I'm so sorry for what you went through...cause I feel manipulative...I feel I'm wearing the sympathy shirt.... That being said now that I have pointed it out.... I do feel sorry for the path behind you.....but YOU ARE STILL HERE!!

So my fears have come true.... My mother just sent me a mail, she's coming to my town tomorrow. Her mission is obvious, she's ignoring the fact that I have told her I want nothing to do with her. What should I do? Luckily I have just moved, and I have not changed my address officially. She doesn't know the address... She will try to find me off course, but how can she do that? I am thinking about leaving town for a couple of days just to make sure we don't meet. She's so disrespectful off me, just ignores my wish for not meeting her. Truth is now obvious I'm scared of her, that's all, no love whatsoever.

Hi. I'm just a guy not any expert, on the contrary I'm struggling with this kind of things myself, that is how to understand humans, emotions and manipulation. I know of one good book though that I recommend, it's called ''who's pulling your strings''. It's very insightful. There's also a book called wolf in sheeps clothing, but it is not that insightful compared to the prior. Would be interesting to know the overall pattern of which emotional tricks is mostly used by women and which is mostly used by men. My father tended to play on my ego and need for approval and admiration. He would say when I was into exercise for example, you are so strong and fit I think you might handle this. I also notice that when he says something I do for him doesn't matter that much, for some reason I get extra eager in doing it perfectly. Also belittling and using sarcasm as you mention I'm used to. So you feel so smart etc. Making you feel small and insecure. Just "answering" something you say by silence and a smirk is another one. Maybe you should call in to stefs show, he's so clever to brake down these kinds of problems.

could you elaborate on this? what is bad with what I wrote and why. Not sure I have listened to that podcast, I'll check it out. oh, yeah. I I listened to those podcasts.Not sure there was something I missed or have forgotten which, if I did not miss or forget would result in a different formulation on that email?

Thanks for the replies guys. I played a little in photoshop and decided I might as well use a photo of stef, below is the result. And yes I have reas real time relationship. Very useful to remember the stories we tell and construct that gives someone a better moral position than others. Why did I respond at all? Well frankly I'm scared she might show up on my doorstep, or create some kind of scene.

Got another mail from my mother: Hello giancoli! I do not know how to look at this request. But'm a bit without options ..... Wants to talk to you about what you think .... I do not think things are getting better for you by itself ... We want you all well and think the current situation is very hard .... think you've been left alone long enough .... You have many people who love you and hope you will talk to your family again. We miss you and hope you also want a change .... Mom I replied with this one: I'm fine and have not changed my mind. This feels right for me. As you can see, it is YOU who needs to talk to me not vice versa. You are not entitled to anything. Stop typing "we want you all well blah blah". You reap what you sow so it is. To bring in how much everyone loves me has no effect on me. If you have anything else you want to say you have to send me more mails. Do not want to talk to you by phone, I like to think carefully about what you say and what I answer, and not be influenced by the tone of your voice. Nice to have what you say in black and white ... Please leave me alone and do not play on my conscience, and more. You say you want me all that well, words are very cheap, show it by respecting my choice and my freedom; leave me alone! the mails are translated off course, cause I'm not English. I used google translate and I can see that it looks a bit weird, not proper form. If Stefan Molyneux reads this I would really appreciate ANY advice that would help me in this. I'm 100% sure this is the right choice for me (never see my parents again), but my mother refuses to accept it. She has kept silent for some time now, but now she on with it again, playing on my guilt or whatever trick she can come up with. I'm pretty sure I have aspergers so I'm very bad with social skills and emotions. I need help to translate this. What exactly is she trying to do. My mother is very dishonest and manipulative, that I know for sure.

hmm, luckily my mother has no information that I need. She has nothing I need at all. So that wont be a problem. Thanks for sharing the story.

I found this video helpful. I need to keep strong on this.

It has been a long period now where I have simply not picked up the phone. She kept sanding me text messages, I then blocked her, the messages doesn't show up on my phone, but they automatically goes to my email. I been having lots of phone calls from an unlisted number, probably my mum (it's incredible how stupid she thinks I am). Today she sent me a message implying that she thought I was, if not suicidal well completely down. She needed me to respond to her and tell that everything was fine. This is the state of affairs now, she wants me to report to her that I'm okay at all times. I don't want anything to do with her and I'm planning to never see any of my family again, it seems unreasonable that I should keep telling them that I'm fine, when this is my wish. They have had plenty of time being caring when I was depressed to the point of being suicidal several years ago. None of them seemed to care beyond very superficial stuff to not appear as a complete assholes. Why would I bother to be around people and telling them I'm fine, which I am, when they only want me to hang around as an accessory to smile on family photos and family gatherings. If I tell them this and they change it wont be the same cause this should be obvious, now they know I can leave so behavior changes after that is out off force and not genuine care... By the way the reason I answered her now is that I'm scared she would use the government or something to track me down and make sure everything is fine. I don't want all the drama and attention of that. I just want to be left alone.... I almost wish my parents would divorce so she doesn't have them as tools....Also it would become apparent to her that we are just people, individuals, the illusion of unity would disappear to her. I'm pretty sure she operates on the basis as the family as a group with a common goal where each should sacrifice for the common good. I didn't sign up for that. By the way how long is it since you brake contact and how long did it take before they accepted it and left you alone. What was the messages like from your mother? You say she was brutal, in what way? How are you doing now? Do you think about this alot or have you been able to move on? Do you feel guilty? How does people react when you tell them? Do you sometimes get scared you will crawl back to them on your knees because you are unable to take care of you self for some reason?

I'm not particularly angry any more, just don't want to deal with her. The angryness is something that she is interpreting or inventing. If she's inventing it then it is manipulation. I have gone through all the stages now, angry, sad, relieved. I guess I'm just a little scared now that she somehow will be able to force the relationship to continue somehow. I know she will gossip to my whole family, extended included. They will invent stories on how this is my downfall and that it is a result on my failings and my delusions. I have already thought about this off course and frankly I don't care. I have been invisible to them all these years, now I'm finally making it official that I'm leaving, although I left ten years ago. Now they suddenly care and will talk to me/about me. Fuck them all! I guess I have to try to see it from her perspective, this is new to her, although if she was remotely realistic she would know there wasn't anything to begin with, I guess she took for granted I would do as most children do when they grow up..meet up at family invitations and pick up the phone every time she calls me. She has not reflected on that this "relationship" like any is voluntarily, with this taken for granted it surprises her a lot I guess. Alternatively she's trying to make me feel guilty, if that is the case it doesn't work. I know her true colors. She can try to desperately repaint her metaphorical picture, but that is too late now, the self interest in that is too obvious to ignore... even I don't fall for this. It's quite devastating to realize all relationships for the most part are deceptions and power plays. The feminine way to control is quite foreign to me, non intuitive. I have just moved, and she doesn't know my adress. I have applied to change my name, but have not gotten any response yet. If I get a new name I will then change my adress officially. That way she can't find my adress. I guess she could contact my old place..but I didn't tell them either, only approximately where I live. She is the kind of person that would just show up without warning if she figures out where I live, then negotiate with the woman I renting my apartment towards. She will be polite as long as she thinks it will work, her nastiness will come out when she understands that it doesn't. I know this and it came out in our last phone call a little. I could hear her sharp tone of voice, when she cried and I told her that it didn't work on me. She immediately stopped crying, like a switch and the sharp angry voice came out like a beast underneath...pretty scary I was somewhat tempted to try to explain my point of view, give her links to videos on youtube etc. But that would imply that I care want she thinks and that she can negotiate with me and it will all be fine. I am 100% sure that I don't want to see any of them again. I guess it is still painful, but removing that pain temporarily with the following misery...I don't want to go that path. This is it, there's no going back. The little that was there..the illusion...is now gone.

I knew this was going to happen, that's why I up to now have just tuned out and responded to her messages shortly not revealing my desire to break all contact. I'll post her messages (translated) here if she gets manipulative. I might have some mild form of aspergers so I'm very bad at detecting manipulation and emotional tactics. Weird how I had to figure out my aspergers on my own huh, nowbody seemed to notice nor care when I grew up, that's another story. This is her last message. Nothing special or insightful, but I post it anyway: Your choices are fine for the whole family. Do not need to understand it. But you are so hateful and angry. I do not understand.! And it is painful and difficult to accept. Wish it was not necessary. Squeeze my mom (who is very fond of you)

It just seems so dramatic and unnecessary it makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. My mother is not violent, just very manipulative. She just wrote that it would affect her tremendously and leave her in grief. I can't help to feel guilty. I guess she knows that's all she got on me to pull me in... What a nightmare to be forced to be with someone just based on guilt and obligation. Since I don't pick up my phone any more, I got all her communication on text. Also I can think as long as I want before I reply. Also she can't communicate emotions with tone of voice crying etc. It makes it easier. Wish I did this earlier, damn I should have left the house at sixteen and never looked back. Got to be honest I really need some support on this to keep my morals in the right place. My old mind tells me I'm the selfish asshole here, it is still a fight. I really appreciate the fast reply. I'm completely alone, not that it is a problem I'm used t that. But it's a difficult choice to make. The choice has already been made though, I'm just telling them now. I stopped picking up the phone ten years ago, and we have only superficially been communicating, still when I tell her this she is getting really upset. I'm pretty sure she wont accept it.

My mother keeps contacting me, she just wont accept that I want to be alone. How do I stop her from sending me messages. I know I can block her out, and I have done so by blocking her sms cause that was an option from my phone company. Now she sends me emails... Off course I can just block them as well, but.. I'm afraid she will just suddenly show up outside my apartment or call the police and make all kinds of drama and trouble. She will just say that she is worried of me and that she really want the best for me etc. But she simply wont accept that I wont nothing to do with my family anymore. My father has never really cared to contact me anyways, so the problem is with my mum. Damn. What do you other guys do? How do you really make the final break that makes them leave you alone and accept your decision? I'm so frustrated. I know my mother will use ANY tool necessary. She has tried using bribery, crying and making me feel guilty, using extended family as threat (we are so worried about you etc.) Damn I'm scared of her. I know behind all those masks she puts on there is a completely selfish self righteous woman not giving a shit about anyone but her self... Maybe I need to go to the police or something to make her understand? All she understands ultimately is power.

Hi! Not sure anyone cares, but I just got confirmed I got a new apartment, I'm moving in in the middle of march. Finally my own apartment, no more do I have to live with strangers! I really needed this! The woman I'm renting towards( i can hear this is bad english, but cant find a better word) seems really nice. Its really high competition here so you really have to give a good impression, felt good that she decided to pick me. Luckily I went there in a pretty good mood. Just wanted to share this, seems things finally are going better for me. Just listening to stefs podcast has given me a sort of awakening. When I walk around I can see how much people around me suffers, how isolated we are from each other, how everyone avoids eye contact, looks into their phones, their own little worlds. I want to build my strength so I can dare to be happy and lift people around me up. I felt I was able to connect a little with this woman and maybe thats why she picked me. Obviously there was some self interest going on there, but still. By the way, I introduced my youngest sister to stefs content. She has listened to real time relationship and are listening to on truth. She says that she finds it interesting. Hope she doesnt feel she has to do it out of obligation, but I think not. I at least made it clear that I didnt want her to listen to it if she did not find it interesting. I shared my thoughts on the feeling of invisibility growing up, a sort of neglect that I only can see now, because I didn't know any better. She told me that she had told her friend once, when drunk that there was no real love in our family. She seems to agree with me on this, so its not something I invent to justify my failures as a grown man, like my father claims. I told her I remembered when I came home for visit once, without any warning, that she, when opening the door bursted into tears and said she had missed me a lot. When I told her on the phone I remembered this she started crying..I felt bad I didn't connect with her earlier. It's kind of too late now. shes moving out and are left with some of the same wounds. But she told me she had some really good friends that supported her, so I think she has not suffered the same isolation as me. I just want to make sure she doesn't choose a partner that is as emotionally disconnected as my father, that's why I introduced her to stefs content, real time relationship in particular. She seems to be doing fine, but I really don't know. Like the selfish bastard I have been I haven't really supported her that much even though I care about her, shes the only one of my sisters I really like. I have some memories of things I have done to her that I don't feel good about though, so I have to find a moment to apologize. Why apologize? For my own selfish need of removing guilt? Or to give her moral clarity. The latter is important right. I will put myself in a worse light by bringing this up so I feel this is for her own good am I right? I used to make fun of how she mispronounced words. Also another episode which was really bad: I got one of my sisters to cooperate to blindfold her and pretend to throw her down the stairs, then throw her into the bed of my parents. I thought about it as funny at the time, but now I realize how fucked up it is. This is really cruel. Also I called her gollum when the two towers came out. Damn I feel bad about that. I did a lot of good things also though like taking her on walks in nature and talking to her, but those things mentioned I feel really bad about.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-_q-md80VQ

Awesome idea. Thanks for sharing!

Be careful. There is a lot of human phenomena that is NOT explained by child abuse. The human brain is extremely complicated, sometimes mistakes happens. Just saying...