Alice Amell

I don't know if there is any test that can show gender dysphoria exists. For me, I was never given a test. I was never told I had a disorder. There is controversy about even labeling gender dysphoria as a disorder and I'm currently studying abnormal psychology - in my textbook the author specifically mentions that it will not be covered because labeling it as a disorder is stigmatizing (as if there is something "wrong" with those who have). Previously (and maybe in some places still), therapists have to write a letter of recommendation for hormone therapy. However, I never had to do that. I went to an informed consent clinic where they told me the risks of hormone therapy and I agreed, and then I was prescribed hormones. I actually don't know if it's provable, whatever I feel, but it's how I feel nonetheless and I have chosen to act on it and get hormones. I'm not sure if that addresses your question, but that's what my experience was.

You say "I'm not superficial" right after you say "I'm into good-looking, mature ladies" and saying 30+ is unattractive. Just pointing that out. I'm sorry you had to go through this, assuming its all true. Its probably not advisable to admit to breaking the law, even if the law is wrong. I wouldn't reveal someone dors drugs just because I think there should be no consequences. There are consequences whether I think there should be or not. Itd be best to lie or better yet, just say nothing to the police and ask for a lawyer in such a case. In other words even benign actions can have bad consequences in our world, so be aware of the risks. But its a shitty system and sorry you got screwed.

Hmmmmmmmm I mainly watch dramas which are all horrible models for relationships. I can think of some relationships that -seem- good but really don't have any screen time. I cant really remember but I think "full house" might have had one. Jesse and Becky. haven't seem that show in years though so idk. Its the only show I can think of really. The show also ended 20 years ago lol

Who wants to bet there will be nothing special on international men's day? (we can only hope)

Thank you for your concern I'm sorry for the depression you experienced but am glad you have healed somewhat from self work. I do agree some introversion is good, as is some extraversion. You sounded farther on the introversion side, judging by the social anxiety you had. Do you find since lowering your fear of failure that you are less productive? In other words, maybe the so-called benefits of your abuse weren't really benefits. Going back to the road example: even though I like having roads, in a free market we would have better, cheaper, more efficient roads. Maybe if you weren't abused you would be even more productive, or at the least not have to feel stressed and anxious all the time about not being good enough. And I'm very sorry you had to endure that abuse..

This is tricky...on the one hand, you did benefit from her maltreatment. But it was still maltreatment. I dont thank the government for roads because they stole from me in order to make them. It was wrong, regardless of the benefits. Or should I thank them for the roads? Also I have trouble seeing social phobia as a good thing. It may have turned out well for you. Me personally reacted different to it. I am introverted and scared of failure, but instead of just not failing, I just dont try, because then I can't fail. I know that's an argument of consequences which doesn't have anything to do with whether it was good or bad. But as far as I can tell it is bad. Do you want to escape the fear? Or do you like it because it enables you to do well at your job? Is it possible to consent to maltreatment as a child after the fact? I'm not sure about the answer but these are just thoughts I have. I'm curious to hear what you think of them.

I really relate to feeling surrounded by people whom I cannot have meaningful conversations with. I'm usually online if you'd want to talk about it. My Skype is evelynphoenix

I relate to this, but my situation is less extreme. Whenever I brought up politics, economics, religion, morality, it always ended up arguments and heated emotions, and frustration on both parties to where usually I gave up and just ended the conversation. My mother outright refuses to talk about these important things with me. She tries to avoid conflict and will leave the room if any of these sorts of conversations start. Where do you think applying philosophy comes into it, exactly? Maybe I'm confused about the question. I do think you can't do it all at once, its a process. Also not everyone will want to talk about things like you do and some may get upset if you try to. But you shouldn't cut off all contact based on that necessarily. You can get other things out of relationships. What exactly do you want from them? And did you tell them you want it? Maybe you seek emotional support and they don't realize or dont care, either way its important to bring up and find out which. We have to deal with peers and people that are unlikely to want to talk about this stuff, and we have to accept that. But hopefully we find friends who do want to talk and listen and care. If you want to go more in depth here or talk to me personally I'd be happy to listen.

These random chosen numbers and random scenarios have nothing to do with god. Of course numbers are related to one another... that's how math works. But just because you manipulate numbers and use specific random objects and measurements that seem to relate doesn't indicate that they are meaningful. Also, I googled the radius of Earth. Google said 3959 miles, not 3960. Therefore it is not 11 x 360. It isn't all neat and perfect and decimal-free (not that that would be any more indicative of god it if were). And radius of moon is 1079.57 This also reminds me of jokes like this: "PS4-XBOX ONE = 3 Half Life 3 Confirmed" Complete non sequitur.

Hi StWd! I took social psychology last semester so I learned these too. I do find them interesting. To answer your questions: I think it is neither good nor bad for humanity or myself. I see it almost as a preference - I maybe don't understand why it would matter. However, it's hard to compare the two when I have only lived in the U.S. and so I only really have the perspective of an independent culture. I do think the culture I'm brought up in affects my self-concept. I've no idea how significantly, but probably a lot. I studied Japanese for four years and went to Japan for 2 weeks. They are definitely more interdependent there and the Americans were more independent and outspoken, outgoing, etc. Yes, I conform to avoid being ostracized. All the time basically. I think we all do. If we didn't use the same language as those around us, or if we abandoned societal conceptions of politeness, or good dress, if we did not conform to these standards, we can experience a lot of grief for it. It's not bad to conform. It can provide a sense of belonging, if you are accepted by society and their standards..but disagreeing with certain standards (gender roles, for example) can be really difficult and cause lots of stress and often I'll just conform to avoid that. I'm not sure I understand the distinction between artificial and natural hierarchies. I don't really like the distinction between natural and artificial to begin with. People separate humanity from nature, but we are part of nature, as any other creature. Other creatures, particularly apes, are very hierarchical, so I would say that it is natural, even if I accept the premise that artificial is somehow different. I'm also interested how they measure a need for control and how they quantify how hierarchical societies or areas are. My initial response is that perhaps if your parents were authoritarian, you probably have a greater need for control because that's how you learned to live. I've honestly no idea though.

Thank you, I can relate to this

Thank you. I've been gone a while from the thread but am checking forums again. I will look more into this. I'm still hanging in

I have searched too for this but to my knowledge he has never commented on trans issues. I hope he does someday.

Sorry for my slow response, been a really busy week.. I think I was getting worse because I was becoming more connected with my feelings. I was facing them. I wasn't casting them aside as much anymore. I'm not entirely sure why I don't feel even worse, but I think talking in this thread really helped. I didn't feel so alone and I had an outlet to share my feelings with. In regard to my sessions, I usually just talk about whatevers on my mind or bothering me recently. She'll often relate it to other things I brought up or probe for more information. Something that came up multiple times was me isolating myself from others, or rejecting others. Being afraid to confront others. More recently she's brought to my attention that I'm not asking people for what I want out of my relationships with them. Especially with my parents. Another thing she keeps bringing up is my progress in transition to female. She keeps offering to refer to me as female if just in our sessions, but I've always said I don't feel comfortable yet. I hope that answers your question

I thought I should post an update to share my progress like Spenc suggested so here goes: The last week or so I've been feeling not as overwhelmed as before. The previous weeks I felt progressively worse and worse and that has stopped. I started going to class and doing homework again, though not fully (still skipped some classes and assignments). I tried writing in a journal once and I think it was a pretty good outlet for being able to not only share my feelings but record them and reflect on them (it can be hard just trying to think..but putting it into sentences helps solidify my thoughts). Everyday I have considered cutting myself again but I haven't done it yet. My sleep schedule, or rather lack of (stayed up for like 40 hours) is pretty bad, but I at least make time for class now, and I stayed up to finish a paper I put off so it's not meaningless this time. That's about all for now. Thanks again everyone for helping me, I really really really appreciate it and I'm so glad a community of people like this exists. p.s. happy holidays to all

I'm not in a relationship so I can't comment from experience but from Stef's video about Empathy Hostages, I can extrapolate that it is important that both of you feel that your needs are met - that you can both share and aren't crowded out by the other person's problems. That no one is using the other person as an emotional hostage. He mentioned in the video if someone is dealing with so much trauma and shares all of it with another person, that person is like overburdened and may feel like they aren't free to share their own thoughts and feelings because it would seemingly undermine the other person or be disregarding their issues. In this sense they are a "hostage" that is kept in order to give empathy. It might be unintentional but something to watch out for. Therapy is really good too so you have more than just each other to talk to. Keeping a journal might also help and can be used to vent some emotions or to explore thoughts and feelings independently, to not overburden one another. I don't have direct experience so this is just all theoretical in my understanding but I hope it helps

A really good (imo) TV show is The Originals. It is about the original vampires and them getting caught up in events in New Orleans. Different factions fight each other for control of the city. I think it has really interesting characters. The show delves into psychology and understands how parents can mess up their kids. I found that really cool so thought I'd mention the show here. Season 1 is on netflix if anyone is interested.

Thanks for responding, TheFreeMarketIsAnarchy. That sounds like what happened to me. It just seems so weird, one day I'm like tearing up all day and crying and the next I feel almost nothing. It does make sense though that I do feel numb not despite my emotional state earlier but because of it. What do you mean by processing the pain when it comes out? Like thinking about why I feel that way in the moment? What I want or hope to gain etc? I'm sorry you were/are doing that as well. Thank you for sharing your experience, though. I really relate to it and I have felt similar things. Wanting others to see my problems/cuts and yet also not wanting them to. It's quite amazing how the mind can have opposing processes. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I agree that long-term it is better even if I may feel worse now or it's difficult. I do want to pursue self-knowledge and I think I did try to unravel more in my other most recent reply. It's something I need to work on because I'm not used to it. If you'd like to talk any more about you're own experience I'd be happy to listen here or elsewhere

Thank you very much to all those who responded. I want to say that you all make me feel supported and have helped me. I didn't know where else to go and I'm very glad I came here. I really really appreciate it and I wish I could hug you all <3 You are right. I mentioned cutting casually and I didn't really see it as that much of a problem because my problems are more emotional. However, from this thread and talking to a couple other people, I think I should take it more seriously. What Robert said, I wanted to feel something and cutting did that for me, I realize is really true. I didn't realize it was connected to my emotions so much even as I feel little. The past couple days I have felt the urge to do it again (not enough to do it though), and both were when I was having negative thoughts. And as you said even if I suppress my emotions it will still happen.. and it makes sense now. Previously I've done it while not actively being emotional. And thank you for the empathy. I appreciate it. I apologize for the lack of self analysis. I will try to do that more. When I think of broken people, I think of someone who is different, unique, and cool, because of their brokenness. Being healthy doesn't have the same appeal. It is more normal and boring. And I've fantasized about having breakdowns or being locked up. Being ill in some way. In that sense, brokenness is a shortcut to attention. It can induce sympathy from others, so I feel loved and wanted and special. I also have an easier access to my own emotions. I in some ways like feeling emotional pain and even though in the moment part of me of course doesn't like it, part of me does. And later when I feel nothing, I wish I had it back. I remember this feeling even back in high school, of wanting to just break down and cry so I'd have that feeling again. Cutting then fits into this because by cutting I become broken in a sense. It makes me feel something, even if it's external. I think it's not that bad, it's even cool in some screwed up way. Someone I talked to said I should try exercise instead because it's also physical and can relieve stress. My therapist also said if I feel really bad, a walk might help me feel better. It's something I'm not experienced with and out of my comfort zone but I should try. I hypothesize this may have started when I was I think a bit neglected once I started middle school and I was spending most of my time online in very toxic environments, being manipulated and such a lot..but there must've been something earlier. Otherwise I wouldn't have stayed around toxic people and I would've told my parents about it. However I've thought a lot about it and very little comes to mind. The only thing is that I would often fight with my sister and my parents never really brought an end to it, only told us to "make up" and apologize and therefore everything is okay again. I'm sorry to hear that about your parents. It's really F'ed up. And to top it off the false affection they gave...I'm very sorry. It sounds awful I am interested in reading it if you ever want to share your writings. Just let me know Thanks for joining the thread Your remark on procrastination had me thinking a while. I don't consciously think that I base myself off the quality of my work. However, I do remember admitting to my therapist that I wanted to try harder in school not because I really cared about grades but because I wanted to not be seen as a slacker. I wanted my teacher to think of me as a hard worker. I wanted his acknowledgment. And I wanted to prove to myself that I can be a good worker, and so I'll feel more responsible and ready for the real world, not some incompetent kid anymore. And I even fantasized about becoming a pro gamer, because not only could I prove that I could be good at something finally, I would gain recognition and attention for it. Thank you for pointing those out to me. You are right..I think it's so normal for me to just be numb or suppressing emotion that's why I had a hard time telling the difference. It seems so... automatic for me. Someone also told me I talk kind of flat and I should work on trying to be more expressive. I think that goes hand in hand with this. I also do like cutting because it does make me feel something. And you are right, suppressing emotions won't make the problems go away. If it did I guess I wouldn't be here on this forum. I do want my pain to be acknowledged. I still fear that by coming here I do gain that attention and that will somehow make it worse. But at the same time I can't imagine how isolation is preferable. It's tricky.. but I know coming here has helped. Thank you for pushing me toward honesty.

I hope they get posted edit: they did

At the moment I'd describe my emotional state as "neutral." I don't really feel anything and to be honest I don't really like it. I want to feel something. I like feeling emotions, and so I've many times when I want to cry or something I'll look up a sad song or watch a sad movie. I feel like I have a totally different perspective right now than when I first made this thread. I have a hard time remembering exactly how I felt, even though it was only a couple days ago. Over the weekend I've felt very little. I can't really explain it. Consequently I don't know if the feelings were telling me to take a principled action or anything like that. I remember having frequent extreme negative emotions and crying a lot, but currently I feel very little. I'm not really connected with how I felt a couple days ago and even though I felt awful I wish I felt it again because I want to feel something. And I want to remember how it felt. At the moment it does feel dull. Maybe I am just "neutral" and that's a good thing? I've no idea, really. I do remember though, at one point when I was feeling helpless, I considered trying to just suppress my emotions completely so it would go away. I never tried, but sort of ironic that now I want those feelings back. I think maybe I still idealize broken people. I remember in the past I wanted something to be wrong with me. Some diagnosis, really, to formalize my brokenness. I even wanted (and I think still to some degree want) to be locked up in a mental institution. Actually typing that out sounds to me really stupid and ridiculous and I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that. I think I wanted attention out of it. Though I do remember seeing this girl in high school who had scars all the way up both arms and that actually turned me on. I ended up befriending her. I know better now that it's a huge red flag and probably best to steer clear, though at the time I was attracted to her. I think she's probably a bad person to date because of all her problems, and yet I can't help but think that I fit the same criteria. That I'm also a bad person to date, or be around, or whatever. I think part of my attraction was because I had cut myself in the past (though nothing like what she did) and so maybe I thought she'd understand me, or accept me. For closure's sake, she ended up liking me too but said it would be a bad idea if we dated. She was probably right, though I didn't like her decision then. Recently I've picked up that habit again and began cutting myself. I don't entirely know why. I'd guess because I want attention or to cope with emotions. I also have a strange fascination with vampires and blood...I remember once I just wanted to see myself bleed. I think it's more of a minor issue though...it isn't very deep and doesn't leave scars or anything. Just a scratch, enough to see red, mostly. Sorry for the huge tangent..it isn't relevant to your post but I wanted to share it. As for your childhood experience.. well you mentioned you took a break from your FOO. Does that mean you went back to them? Have you talked to them about their neglect? And also, what was your relationship to your parents like? Did they say they loved you often, or talk to you at all? Were they in any way supportive or affectionate? Were they often absent totally?

I think you are right. I do want to resolve them and I should share that with others. Another thing is I'm not sure where to start since there's so much I think I need to work on. I guess I must start somewhere though. I've always struggled with maintaining a good sleep schedule and procrastinating even in high school, but now it is the worse it has been. I haven't gone to class in a week and stayed up till like 5 am three nights as well as did an all-nighter once the past week. Part of it is that I stay up and then sleep through class but if I prioritized wanting to go to class I should make the decision to sleep on time..but I often think I can just skip class because it's always worked out in the past. I've always with few exception gotten As and Bs. My work ethic is pretty terrible..I'm not one to do hard work and I feel like I just do the bare minimum. I'd always procrastinate until the last minute but then I'd be afraid of the consequences of not doing it at all, so I'd always do it last minute. Recently, however, I've just neglected to do it at all and without much grief about it. Maybe I'm overwhelmed with other things so it just is bumped down on the priority list.. Even as I type this is it 4:00 am I hear Stef say things like how he had jobs at age 11 and so on and worked at gaining skills and being more employable. I feel like that is a standard I've completely failed. Everyone tells me I should have a job but I have never had one and I just feel like I can barely take care of myself. I'm not responsible and not good at deferring gratification. I always opt to play games or watch stuff rather than do productive things like homework or writing or looking for work or something. I put things off to the last minute. My school and my parents are telling me I should be like getting jobs and internships and applying to places and it is just another area I think I've failed at. I feel like I should already be there and be able to do all these things but at the moment I'm just...not. Typing these out made me think they aren't so bad. I had a relatively relaxing weekend compared to the previous weeks and I wrote my initial post while really emotional. At the moment I don't really feel anything. I suppose the solution is just to go do the things I think I should but if it was that simple I guess I'd have done it already. Last weekend though was an entirely different experience. I remember playing a game online with friends and I was just in a sour mood...one of my "friends" (who I used to consider friend but since have been at odds with) was being really nice to his stupid-acting girlfriend. She was whining about not seeing where the quest is on her map and he was like "it's alright." and he was really kind to her and for some reason that made me even more upset and I just left because I didn't want to listen to them anymore. I'm not sure why that made me so upset. I think I was jealous of her. I wanted his affection, or someone's affection. And hearing her have it made me see that I didn't. I am also jealous of her because she is seen and accepted as a woman while I am not..I am a transwoman. I really hate that term and feel ashamed and embarrassed just having to say it. IRL though, no one knows except my therapist. Not even my parents. I don't feel okay telling them, for whatever reason...maybe I have trust issues or something. Or maybe I'm embarrassed and need to accept myself. Sorry that it was all over the place but I wanted to touch on a lot. I hope it sheds some more light on a few things, though I'm sure I could keep going. If I find some closure I'll be sure to post again as to not deny any resolution to anyone

Thank you for the responses everyone. <3 Thank you. I have seen the procrastination video a few times and I think it is true. Last semester I didn't like my math teacher and the early morning class. I also felt I had little need for knowing calculus (psychology major) and at the time I didn't value grades very much so I consciously decided to just accept a B rather than worry myself over trying to get an A. The problem now is I'm consciously deciding not to go to class at all...I don't know if I'm giving in to some urge to be lazy but I just think "I don't need to go..it'll be fine." Maybe I should re-evaluate my values. I do want to do well, but judging by my actions apparently not enough to do any work (a continuous problem of mine). I will also try to read the book you sent me so thank you. Someone offered to skype with me so I will also try that. I hope you the best too in dealing with your procrastination. You are very welcome in going into more detail about it or talking to me about it if you want. Thanks for wanting to know more. Though don't really understand, sorry. If I should avoid dumping emotions then to fix it I should dump my emotions here? Or does it not count as dumping emotions (or having an empathy hostage, is maybe a better term) if I post here? I have a really close friend who I've known for years (though purely online) and I'll always dump my emotions on him. I'm usually the one in the relationship sharing thoughts and feelings, not him. Listening to Stef's video made me realize I was doing it. I talked to my friend about it and he doesn't think I am being parasitical. Despite his reassurance I'm unsure. I told him I want to try to be more respectful of his feelings and I want to listen to him too (he doesn't open up that much). Since the realization, I've been more hesitant to tell him all my feelings and I think I may have come here instead. Or I may have come because it has gotten worse lately and I don't know where else to go. I could go into more detail about all the things I mentioned but I'm not sure if I'd just be seeking empathy/attention from others so I feel better or if it's appropriate. I'm willing to share everything, part of me wants to (and I do share more in these responses), but I'm not sure if it is the problem or the solution. Maybe journaling could serve as a place to vent without being selfish toward others? Thanks for the information. I looked back at my post and initially I thought I only used it when describing feelings and that would be somewhat more justifiable, but I didn't. I did say "I'm nowhere" and "I've been unable.." I agree that language is important and have thought about it in other contexts before. I would change "I can't eat healthy," to "I don't want to eat healthy." It is somewhat scary, putting responsibility on myself by phrasing it like that, but also important I think. You are correct. Rationally I know I can be better but emotionally I sometimes feel so bad that I start thinking I can't, and language does reflect that. And using language could change how I think about it, too. I never really thought of depression as a lack of emotion. That's definitely not me since I've been feeling an overload of emotion. Maybe I'm breaking my depression and the emotions are coming back? A few people have told me I sound depressed in the past. I don't know if that's just my shitty voice or if it's worth mention. I am in therapy at the moment ("free" with college) and I've been getting progressively more emotional and this week I actually cried and had trouble speaking. She said it was good that I'm beginning to express emotions in front of her. I otherwise, to most people and especially irl, don't show much emotion. I especially don't want to show negative emotion to others. I try to hide it, but I do secretly like being emotional..I like watching lord of the rings and crying at the sad parts and stuff. If other people are around I don't feel comfortable crying though. I'm sorry you felt neglected as a child. I think I can somewhat relate. A few weeks ago I couldn't control my mask and started crying on the way to class. I hid in the stall until I could control it. That was the first time it happened, though. It must've been awful for you . I don't know if you've already gone into detail elsewhere or with others but I'd like to hear more about it if you want to talk about it. I've felt like a floating brain in the past, though not recently I don't think. I spend a lot of time online so I can sometimes be in a way disconnected from my body because my mind is like in another world. Though I can get very emotional as well. I don't know if that's relevant, just interesting to me. As for therapy.. I get 50 free sessions from my college. I started sometime last year so I might run out in a few months. I also don't have much experience with different therapists so I don't know if mine is good. She seems fine to me, I don't have much comparison though. It's another thing that has me slightly worried. My parents could definitely afford a therapist and back in high school they did get me one. I'd wager they'd do the same now, when my free sessions run out. But I don't want to ask them. I don't tell them anything about my emotions. They don't know much about who I am. They think everything's okay, and our interactions seem positive, but usually superficial. I suppose I'll have to tell them eventually...but I don't feel comfortable having that conversation. And the weird thing is I'm certain they'd support me and show me affection. And yet I don't want to tell them. Sorry for a pretty scattered response. My thoughts are all over the place

Hi everyone. I came to post because I'm not sure where else to go and I thought it might help. I feel very overwhelmed at the moment and for the past few weeks. The feeling has only gotten worse. I don't know how to describe it all because I've been feeling so much. I feel this like...crippling feeling in my stomach. I don't know if it's anxiety or depression but I've just been in a negative mood so often, and as a result been inclined to isolate myself even from some friends. The overwhelming feeling is like a culmination of all my problems. I think I have so much wrong with me, and I think I should be somewhere better in my life by now. But I'm nowhere. And I'm going in the wrong direction. I've been unable to change any of my bad habits...they've only gotten much worse recently, and a few old ones returned. I feel like a failure or inadequate or like there's some impossible gap between me and who I fantasize about being. And I don't have the wings to get there; perhaps I'll never get there at all. It seems so distant. Things I worry over: unable to be honest with people in real life (and therefore loneliness), jealousy, gender-identification, whether I can get better Bad habits: procrastination, bad sleep schedule, approval/attention seeking, emotional dumping, self-harm Part of me wants to go into more detail about everything but I think I'm already making this post in order to just dump my emotions and/or seek attention.. I'll just leave it as is Has anyone been in or is in a similar situation? Dealt with / are dealing with problems and want to share them? Have any thoughts about it? I welcome and appreciate any response

My league ID is Veiled Sovereign