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I know my situation is bad. I know I am duplicating the same crap that was inflicted on me. I know the morality of what I've done is very bad. For a long time I tried to justify it and minimize it in my mind. I am no longer willing to do that. I accept your criticism as completely valid and although it is hard to hear, thank you. Don't hold back if you have more to say. I feel as though I have unprocessed anger toward my parents. I blocked a lot of my childhood out but there were some pretty terrible things in my family. Aside from regular spanking on the bare bum, at times with a wooden spoon, aside from being forced into my bedroom for "misbehaviour" and literally crying for what felt like hours to be let out, and the regular screaming and manipulation and lots of other garbage. Aside from all that, my mom was literally brainwashed by a religious psychopath into thinking she was one of his many wives and did all kinds of nasty things with him. Then the divorce and subsequent abandonment by my father. So yeah my family is pretty messed up. I'm still trying to sort it out in my head and emotionally. I know that to be a better father I must first deal with my past.

I have 3 kids, ages 5, 3, and 1. My oldest, a boy, is a wonderful person but my repeated failure to control my temper has caused him to detach from our once close connection. I am new to peaceful parenting (been trying to do it for about a year now). I am very ashamed to say that I spanked him from about age 2 to 4. But even now I still lose control and hurt him physically usually by pushing him. I know he is terrified but I just get so overcome with anger in the moment. It breaks my heart when I think of all the times I've hurt him, even now I'm crying as I type. Because of how I've treated him, he is detached from me and does not listen or even want to talk most of the time. He's become defiant and wants to be in charge. I know I need to reconnect with him and earn back his trust and love but my anger gets in the way. I'll succeed for a month or two then something stupid will set me off and I'll scream or push and we are back to square one. My own upbringing was terrible. My parents spanked me a lot, they screamed at me and each other constantly. I thought I had dealt with these issues until I became a father, now i see I have a long way to go. My other two kids have suffered some but not as much. My first boy has taken the brunt of it. I want desperately to be the kind of father my son needs. I want to be the father I always wanted. I can't afford therapy but if anyone knows of some workbooks or other ideas I'm open to any suggestions!