Your post really helped me Quadrewple . Like you i was a product of my culture regarding my behaviour towards those around me . I try to behave differently today which can be painful , but ultimately liberating . Keep hearing this with regard to self examination . The pain i feel when realisation strikes has proved to me to be the death knell of that particular behaviour , which is at least some good news for those around me . I've had ten years of this process now and for the sake of sanity i view it as if i were pulling a splinter .
My brother and three sisters are not in my life due more to my conversion to empirical reasoning than any incidence of sadistic behaviour on my part ; yet regularly i recall situations which have me squirming with shame . For a while i viewed their absence as punishment , now i see it as their exercising property rights .
Hey , i blame my parents and rightly so . I also blame my grandparents and on and on .
A curiously comforting thought is that although i had a horrendous childhood followed by 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse , i do feel that the tide of pain is gradually receding . I can guarantee that as far as my wife and child are concerned , that shit really does stop here .
I'm kinda fucked but at least i've stopped infecting others .
Small victories baby !
