BD91

wew that was a chore to fill out lol

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That it's pointless, that if I <ask out that girl, make that cold call to a potential client, whatever action> then it's just going to end in failure or rejection. Another slightly strange thing, I find this issue most prominent when there's a judgement involved. Like when I want somebody's approval, that's what makes me most afraid. I'm not terrible in general social situations, and can have light, mostly meaningless conversation. However, if I were talking to someone whom I really wanted to do business with then I get nervous/choked up/anxious/stifled/etc...

So, the title of the post was "total self-erasure", and idk if I phrased the message poorly or not. I've noticed that I'm decent at getting myself to take actions when somebody else is depending on me to get them done, like I've been doing this internship for web design and can do work when the boss says X,Y, and Z need done. but when it comes to me doing things because I want them done there's just anxiety and no motivation.

Well as an update a guy who's been mentoring me through weekly skype calls said he'd be willing to hire me on as a designer for his web-development/design company. So I guess for now the stress and immediacy of needing to build the skillset of sales is lifted. But it's still something I feel I should tackle either way. And what do you mean by "tale heart in your anger"?

Yeah most of the memories I have of childhood that involve me trying to assert myself or state my preference involve being scorned or made to feel that my preference was just an annoyance in general. Yeah I usually preferred being alone in my room or down in the basement and if somebody came into my room without knocking or asking I'd get very very angry with them.

Thanks for the responses everyone. But my issue is that I "erase" myself from those actions in the first place. I'm really struggling to come up with the wording for what I'm trying to say. It's like I hate myself or something to the point that I completely hide or destroy myself by not taking actions in the first place.

Hey everybody, I wanted to talk about self-erasure. Has anybody else had problems with this? There's so many things I want to change/accomplish in my life, but for whatever reason I just refuse to actually commit myself to the actions I would need to take to achieve them. I'll sort of break two big ones down here: 1. Social & Relationships: I have very few friends currently, and I'm starting to realize that the friends I do have may not be the best people for me. But when I think about trying new things, or going to meetup groups, or anything like that I feel a bit anxious and never will myself to do it. Then I get upset with myself for not making decisions to change, but that doesn't deter me from continuing to not change. 2. My Own Business: This honestly goes hand-in-hand with the social issues I face. I can build websites, and I want to run my own business doing freelance web design for local businesses. I KNOW I can build pretty good websites and that those websites would help the businesses generate more sales. But when it comes to SELLING the service I struggle motivating myself to make sales call. I had been thinking out loud about these issues earlier and I had this train of thought: And then I realized that maybe that's it. Maybe, for whatever reason, I just don't want people to even know I exist? I don't know, but I'm very frustrated and this issue is really stagnating my entire life and I need help.

https://vimeo.com/15346778

Just posting this for reference, I'm still trying to find sources for all the information, but a quick google search reveals many of the points to be valid.

But what about him tripping balls on LSD?

Yeah I've been hyping up Polyvagal Theory since I first heard of it, here's a couple of good discussions of the theory: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EqT8p5X908 I'd love to see Dr. Porges on the show, I think Polyvagal theory could go add a whole other dimension to peaceful parenting.

On the bright side, more than a 2:1 dislike to like ratio. And not a single word of praise in the comments.

Original sin is how I make you feel fundamentally flawed, and doubtful of your own ambitions. motivations, and actions because otherwise I can't maximize my personal benefit from your existence.