Gwen

We really didn't argue that much in front of them - I kept my mouth shut to avoid "pressing his buttons". So I think this is a little out of the blue for the kids. I am still in communications with a councillor about how to deal with my ex and explain things to the kids. I'm trying to think about how to maximize the amount of time they have with good male influences (other male family members) so in the long term they can understand healthy ways to act like a man.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. It is my decision to end things and it was made after we had tried very intensive counselling. The councillor and I both tried our best to get through to my husband but after much talk he refused to acknowledge that his actions have played a part in my not feeling safe in the relationship and my worry about our two boys (aged 4 and 6) becoming a target of his abuse. The counsellor said that even though breaking up our family would be horrible, staying in the relationship as it is would be worse. The councillor supports my decision to leave wholeheartedly and said to my husband that he is a very angry person. Him being angry and me being fearful in our relationship was very destructive. My kids have already seen/heard stuff that will stay with them for life. My husband said that he may want to cut us out of his life completely as it would be 'easier for him' than seeing the boys. Prior to counselling he had threatened to do this if I left him. He was giving me the option of staying with him without him committing to changing anything. I do think (hope desperately) that he will come around and I am keeping things very civil but at this point I really don't know what he'll do. I realize that no matter what, this is going to be the worst thing I could possibly put my kids through (well, staying would have been worse). Right now I'm trying to find as much I can read as possible to explain things in a way that a 4 and 6 year old can understand. Any recommendations?

The Weston A. Price foundation westonaprice.org) has a ton of info. on pre-natal and child nutrition. They are very pro raw milk, butter, animal fat etc. (from grassfed, free range animals). I strongly urge you NOT to raise your child vegetarian - the WAPF has a lot of info. on their website about this. They alsohen have recipies for homemade formula (or you can check out Nourishing Traditions cookbook) if you aren't producing enough breast milwk. Also, make sure your baby gets used to taking a bottle - my first wanted the breast all the time and I never had him get used to the bottle so when I had problems producing enough breast milk, there were big issues. After the baby comes out, make sure they don't cut the umbilical cord before it has stopped pulsating. This guy did a Ted X talk about it - I had no idea how important this is when I had my two. If you decide to co-sleep and then get sick of it - don't use the cry it out method. I used a method called 'pick-up, put-down' I read in a book by Tracy Hogg. It was slow and tedious but my babies never had to cry for longer than a few seconds and eventually learned to settle and sleep in a crib by themselves. Also don't stress if your child doesn't sleep through the night - mine woke up sometimes several times a night until they were well past 2 years old and both are now happy to go to sleep and for the most part stay asleep all night long. Congratulations and best of luck to you and your partner!

It would be helpful for you to see what the dynamics are between her friend and her. The fact that she messaged you while she was there comforting her friend indicates to me that she was there because she felt obligated to be, not because she enjoyed comforting her friend more than she would have enjoyed with you. It could be that her 'friend' is super dependant and your new girl is a bit of a doormat. If you speak with her more about her relationship with that friend, you may find that it's very one sided with your new girl being used as a sounding board for every drama this friend of hers goes through. Yes, it's a red flag but if she really does communicate with a high degree of honesty, there is a chance she will see things from a different perspective if you speak with her about this. I'm sure if you try and speak with her about this you will figure out pretty quick whether it's worth investing more time in a relationship with her.

I'm a big fan of humans, so I'm not ok with the slaughter of them. With other animals, I feel much better knowing the cow I'm eating has lived in a nice environment and has been treated well. There has been research done on plants that indicate they respond to pain etc. If this is true, are you still ok with slaughtering plants? In order to live, you need to kill things and consume them. If it makes you feel any better, you are a host to trillions of bacteria that are feeding off you....so with every life you kill and consume, you're actually feeding trillions more and making their existence possible.

Hey, I would highly reccomend checking out the Weston A Price Foundation http://www.westonaprice.org/ I'm a big believer in eating lots of animal fat and animal protein and staying away from modern Big Agriculture products including feedlot animals, highly processed food and food that is GM and/or sprayed with chemicals. We eat a lot of meat but it's almost exclusively grassfed and or free range. Animals do not have great lives in feedlots but grassfed and free range animals from farms that care about animal welfare have it pretty good until they get slaughtered. Also, if you eat animals that grow up eating what nature intended them to eat, the meat and fat is very nutritious. Look up Joel Salatin on YouTube, he runs a really awesome farm. It's also a good idea to read some info. on the WAPF website about soy - I'd stay away from that crap unless it's used as a fermented condiment like the Japanese use it. And for sure if you're going to have kids or have them, do not give them soy formula - it totally messes up hormones.

Hi Jenuine I'd rather just message for now - I don't have much privacy with two little ones and I don't want them overhearing what I'm saying about their Dad. Thank you for the offer though. I'm new to the FDR community and I'm so grateful I've found a place where I can get some moral feedback and direction. As far as I'm concerned, the marriage is over. My husband definitely thinks this is not the case and wants to fly us half way around the world to see this counseller that has helped family members in the past. I've talked to this counseller a couple times on the phone in relation to my husband and his Dad's relationship and the counseller seems like a good guy. That said, I know there is no hope for us as a couple. My husband keeps saying that he 'still loves me' which means absolutely nothing to me....I know he's fishing for me to say that I still love him too. I don't. Since reading RTR, I'm pretty sure I never did. I was just lustful for a alpha-acting male and wanted to have babies. Now my poor choices are going to result in me being a single mom. I'm kinda over being depressed about the situation and I'm trying to figure out how we're going to move forward. We immigrated to Australia from Canada (I'm a Canadian, he's a US citizen who grew up in a few African countries). I would love to move back to Canada with the kids but after having a conversation with Stefan as well as one of my sisters, I've concluded that I need to stay close to my ex. That said, there are work things happening with my husband that indicate that he may not even be in Australia that long. He's currently got some consulting work in the United Arab Emerites and if all goes well, his company may have a big project starting there in the new year. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I want to continue to stay at home with the kids and homeschool them and I would have enough income (passive from family investments) to survive and do this if I live extremely frugally....very, very frugally I do not expect to receive any financial support from my soon to be ex (he might surprise me and give me a little each month to contribute to the kids expenses). Following my ex to the UAE and living as a single Mom there would be awful....and I probably couldn't afford it unless I put the kids into daycare and worked which isn't what I want for them. I'm willing to do just about anything to make sure that they have a relationship with their Dad but is there a point at which this simply isn't reasonable? Do I follow my soon to be ex wherever he goes for the sake of my children's relationship with him? In the past we're moved a lot and I long for my kids to have some stability. It doesn't seem 'fair' to me that I should follow him but it sure as hell isn't fair for my kids not to have him around because of my poor decisions in the past to have kids with him in the first place. I've been a doormat so much in this relationship and I feel as though I have no sense of what is 'reasonable' for me to do. I don't even know what is 'right' by my kids since I'm wary of UAE laws in relation to women's rights and I don't completely trust that my soon to be ex wouldn't try to gain custody of them if we did move there (not likely but my husband is pretty pissed that I want to end things and he's the kinda guy who loves to seek a lawyer on problems and 'win'). Hopefully this counseller we're going to see will help us negotiate something that will work best for the kids. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Hi Jenuine, I'm in the process of figuring out how to leave my husband who is absusive (mostly verbal). The situation is complicated by the fact that we have two young children together. I can definitely relate when you said your ex couldn't admit when he was wrong as well as the mild aspergers comment. I too suspect that my husband has a mild form or aspergers and I have often let things go because I figure he isn't good at reading non-verbal cues and doesn't know when to let things go. I'm not sure about my 'diagnosis' now though because he seems to 'read' people fine when he wants to manipulate people. Maybe he just ignores the non-verbal cues because he doesn't care that much about other peoples feelings and he's simply an asshole. I can also relate to the moments of clarity and trying to bury those moments so I don't have to act (and not acting is and 'act' in itself). I've reached the point where I can no longer ignore it - my kids are learning by example and the thought of them modelling what is 'right' and 'wrong' based on my husband's actions horrifies me. Also, unless I act the part of being submissive, there is a lot of arguing and that is not the kind of household kids should grow up in. I never thought I'd end up choosing to be a single mom but it seems as though it's the best option. I keep thinking about conversations I'll have with my sons in the future.....I want them to be happy with the choices I made from this point moving forward. I know they need their Dad in their lives (as long as he treats them ok....he'll never win 'father of the year') but I would also like to eventually meet someone (after I've worked on my issues so I don't repeat the same mistakes) and model what a healthy relationship looks like for them. Right now I'm just trying to figure out the next step.