Wesley B

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it and it is very helpful to me. I do teach guitar lessons one day out of the week but I only have 4 students right now and can only have a maximum of 8 since I only teach there on Saturdays. I've gone to peoples houses before to teach them but that is now really impractical for me. Living with my mother us pure anguish. I can hardly be creative while im in the house and my well-being is destroyed while I am still reliant on her. I have to take anti-depressants just so I can get out of bed. I know for certain that getting away from her is my first step towards happiness and that is my main goal right now. I am just trying to figure out how to do it and I have no Idea how since no job I've ever had has paid me enough to get out on my own. That is why I'm thinking of going back to school so I can get an actual well paying job. I'm not will to go through any kind of artists struggle while I'm still living with her. When I am on my own much more things seem possible to me. Also, finding friends is incredibly difficult for me. I don't even know where to start with it. It is. I am constantly on the look out for narcissists now and I stay the hell away from them. I think the bigger problem right now is, as you mentioned, figuring out what I really want to do with my life. The thing is I already do know what I want to do which is to write and release music but I'm not willing to go through that struggle while I'm still reliant on my mother. I need to get away from her first before I can do anything.

Hello everyone. Thank you in advance for reading my post There are a lot of topics that I would like to talk about in this thread and a lot of things I would like to say, but first I would like to start with a brief overview of my recent history just so you can get an idea where I am coming from. This will probably end up being a long post so sit back and relax. So where to begin? Probably my sophomore year of high school. That is when things started to go downhill with me being completely oblivious to it. In 2012 during my sophomore year I started taking guitar lessons with a new teacher. I had already been playing guitar for five years at that point and I only stopped taking lessons with my old teacher because he moved to a different state. This new guy I started with was a great teacher and I learned alot about music from him. Eventually he suggested that I might want to become a guitar teacher myself. At that time, I still had no idea what I wanted to do in life, so this suggestion interested me. Eventually he completely sold me on the idea and I decided that after high school, I would start a career in music starting with guitar teaching. I said to myself, I have always been a music person so what else am I going to do right? I should also mention that around this time, my teacher was starting his own business; a music school of his own teaching college level stuff. I was apart of the first classes he gave at this new school. Fast forward to 2014 I had graduated high school and had also graduated from the first year of my teachers music school. I had my high school diploma and a "Degree of Achievement" (a certificate) from my guitar teachers school. My teacher started telling me things like how great my career was going to be and how great being a teacher was. So my career was starting or so I thought. In truth, I really had no idea what I was doing or what was going on, I was just doing what my teacher told me and following his lead ( I will elaborate on this more below). So this is the point (late 2014) when my teacher started to dangle carrots in front of me. He offered me a position at his new school and was constantly telling me that he was going to get me lots of students and that his business was going to grow really big "soon". Unfortunately, I believed him. It was also at this point that I started to doubt the quality of his character. I had known for a long time that he strongly believed in god and that he pushed his faith on others and also that he subscribed to a great deal of mysticism. Then I found out that he was a strong supporter of stateism and basically just sat in front of the T. V. all day watching fox news. He was a sheep. I didnt think that they actually existed until I met one of them. At one point he even told me "You shouldn't go around believing that there is no god". He knew beforehand that I was an atheist. Why did I put up with this? I will elaborate below. Then the final nail in the coffin was laid. He told me that he hit his kids. Then i knew I didnt want this man in my life anymore. He said insane things like "Yeah I hit my daughter because she ran out into the street, and because of that punishment, shes not going to run out into the street anymore. I'm saving her life by hitting her." You cant make this stuff up. So fast forward to summer 2015. All this time I had been waiting for his promises for basically a year. It was time I finally confronted him on this. So I called him up one day and talked to him about it. After a few minutes he completely blew up at me. He proceeded to yell at me and say some of the most retarded shit I've ever heard. After a few minutes of this I knew that this would be the end of our relationship. I was done. I told him to not hit his kids, and then I hung up the phone. He sent me a text telling me to never get near him or his family again. So that was it. The three years of my life that I spent relying on him ended up being wasted years. Who knows what I could have done in that time if I had never met that bastard. I spend so much of my time being jealous of people my age who have been smarter with their lives and are successful. Now I will tell you what my teacher really is. He is a rank Narcissist. (Note: the following is simply my own perception of narcissism as I have seen it and experienced it) Narcissists try to create their own little world centered around themselves. In this world they are perfect and never wrong. Then they try to seduce other people to become a part of this world. His wife and many of his friends were apart of this own world of his. And of course he had seduced me into his world as well. Eventually I realized this and escaped from his little world and I accepted the true reality of what he really was. In my final phone call with him I shattered this world of his. Why? Because I told him that he could not keep his promises which, of course suggests he in not perfect. What do you get when you shatter a narcissist's image of themselves? You get rage. That is why he blew up on me. That is also why I put up with his bullshit for so long because i knew that if i challenged him, he would blow up at me and I was afraid of this. But why did I rely on him for so long? When I was growing up, and even through my teens, my mother basically did everything for me. She never taught me how to do anything and I was totally reliant on her. This conditioned me to not want to do things myself and not put forth any effort because everything in life had been done for me. This is why when my teacher told me things like "I'm going to start you on this career, im going to get you this job" I totally attached myself to him because thats what I was used to. He was offering to do things for me. It also didnt help that my father was also a narcissist And now we get down to what I really want to talk about: How this conditioning has effected my ability as a productive human and how It effects my future. I come from a family that you could say is very modest. They don't have great aspirations, they don't want to do great things in the world, they just want to live life and have dysfunctional relationships with the rest of their family. That is what makes me the elephant in the room because I actually have great aspirations. I want to write music, to have my own band, to play in front of tons of people. For this reason (and for a GREAT many other reasons including loads of abuse, feel free to ask me if you want) I knew that I wanted to De-foo from my family long ago. I didnt want to be apart of their petty squabbles and fake respect and love for each other. I'm not going to pretend that someone who abused me greatly and is unrepentant about it is my friend or loves me. When I finally accepted the reality of my family my relationship with them died. To quote Atlas Shrugged: "Where do you come from?" "Buffalo." "Got any family?" She hesitated. "I guess so. In Buffalo." "What do you mean, you guess so?" "I walked out on them." "Why?" " I thought that if I ever was to amount to anything, I had to get away from them, clean away." "Why? What happened?" "Nothing happened. And nothing was ever going to happen. That's what I couldn't stand." This passage describes my family and how I feel about them pretty well. (Note: My family isn't completely dependent on welfare or anything like that. They have their own careers and provide for themselves, its just that any mention of having big dreams or having an impact on the world are completely shot down by them. They don't encourage that kind of thing at all. This is part of the reason I want to get away from them.) Now, you may now be imagining that I am some person who comes from an abusive and un-philosophical family but is also a person who has great aspirations and rises above his past to become a great and creative producer But there's the problem. That is not me. I am not that man. Sure I do have big aspirations, but I feel like I completely lack the will and the driving force to follow those aspirations. Whenever I say I'm going to do something, there is a part of me that never takes myself seriously. I have a voice that tells me "Your not really going to do that." "Theres no way you can do that are you kidding?" Its like im stuck in some gross muddy muck and whenever I think I want to do something, it is too hard to escape from it so I don't. It feels like I am being torn apart. On one side I am unlike my family because I actually want to do things but on the other side I am like them because I don't have the will to do them. It still feels like I am apart of them somehow and I don't want to be. But I do think that the biggest cause of not feeling that I can do things is the conditioning I received from my parents who did everything for me and who also never encouraged me in anything. That is what was deadly Now, how has my past affected my general ability to do things as a human being? Well, I think it has had a huge negative effect. Like I've mentioned above, I was raised to not have to do anything for myself and I come from a family that doesn't encourage ambition. Does someone with this kind of history seem like they would work very hard? Most of the time when I've been working it seems like everyone is doing things faster, smoother, and simply better than me. I always try my hardest but I am sometimes in awe about how slow I do things. This has led to me having an image of myself that basically says that I am totally incompetent. I always try to tell myself that I am not, but it is very hard to do so when I see people doing things faster and better than me all the time. I realize that I am good at some things an worse at others and that I can improve at things with practice, but still whenever I try to do things at work, I have that same feeling of being stuck in a swamp and not having the will to do things. I wish I didnt have that feeling. That is one of the main things I am working on right now. All I want to do is to live by my own effort. That is something that I am not doing right now and I think that is the main source of my depression (among other things). I'm going through kind of an identity crisis right now. I'm basically trying to figure out weather or not I can be an achiever that pursues my dreams or someone that is too effected by his past to ever achieve them. As far as what I am doing right now I do have some kind of tentative plan. I know for sure that I am going to go to a career counselor to try and get a grasp on what I could be good at and what I enjoy. Depending on what I hear from the counselor I will decide what to do next, however I also think that I want to go back to school to a technical 2 year college so I can get a degree that is actually worth something so I can get a good job so i can finally get away from my god damn parents forever. My dilemma is this. I want to have a job I enjoy but I also want to get away from my parents as soon as humanly possible. Because of this, I would be extremely tempted to take the first living wage paying job that I am offered even if it is something that I may not enjoy. On the other hand I could wait and find a job that I know I would like but then I might be stuck living with my mother longer while I try to find it. Living with my mother is absolute anguish. I've been living here so long now and ALL I want to do at this point is to GET AWAY. Also, for those who are wondering, I am seeing a great therapist right now and I have been for one and a half years. It has been so immensely helpful to me. As far as my dreams go (writing music, having my own band) they are something I still want to peruse. I need to focus on one thing at a time and becoming financially independent is my main focus right now. Once I do that, and once I start to heal and the depression goes away, I feel like then I could focus on what I really want to do which is writing music and releasing it. Doing that right now while I am in this horrible situation seems pretty much impossible to me. I feel like I also need to get out of the swamp that I'm in now and learn how to actually have courage and have the will to do the things that I want. I don't know how I'm going to do this but that is why I made this post. I would love to hear you guys' thoughts on everything I have said. I want to overcome these issues that I have. I know that there's some very emotionally and intelligently smart people here on FDR and I think that some of you guys could really shed some light on what is going on. I deeply appreciate all the help I can get. Thank you. P.S. The name of my former narcissist guitar teacher is David Poole. If you live in the Atlanta area and are involved in any part of the music scene, stay the hell away from this man.

Hello everyone! It's been a long time since Ive posted anything on the forums but I think that you guys can help give some thoughts on a situation im in. I'm in the last stages of trying to move out of an abusive household. The past year (since I graduated high school) I have spent doing lots of self work and therapy and also gaining some work experience (mostly in retail). Ive already decided not to go to college and my goal is to start making enough money to move out so I can try to heal from the years of abuse Ive suffered and also start focusing on my other goals in life. So basically my question is does anyone know of some jobs that ,with my limited experience, could pay more than just minimum wage? I'm totally open to all suggestions so please feel free to share anything. I'm not sure what else to add other than i do also have experience as a private music teacher (for guitar) although i don't find it very rewarding at all to be totally honest (songwriting is my passion not teaching). Its nearly impossible to be creative while in the house with an abusive person so I really just need something to do now to get on my feet so I can then start totally focusing on my passion. Thanks for reading, I look forward to your responses!

Hey Peachbrain I have been taking a brake from all things fdr recently but I found myself back on the forum today and found this post so moving and relateable that I had to reply. First of all I just want to say I'm very sorry for your situation. I know that DE FOOing is a very hard thing and found many similarities between your parents and mine. One of the things that struck me the most is how with the last phone conversation with your father he was agreeable at first but then totally took a U turn and started attacking you, blaming you and being incredibly manipulative. This is something that my mother has done on numerous occasions. As soon as you bring a certain amount of truth into the conversation they begin to spew hateful things at you because they don't want to recognize the evil they have done in your past (ie. Spanking you). They blame you so they don't have to take any blame. If I have learned one thing it's that this behavior will never change. It is a very sad thing when we realize that we can never have a relationship with our parents but it is something you have to accept. I just don't want you to live the rest of your life hoping you could have had a positive relationship with this man. I don't know if you've had your "moment" yet but your "moment" is when one day you finally realize that you are just not going to have these people (or manipulative people in general) in your life anymore. It is a very scary, incredably sad, but an unspeakably beautiful feeling. Anyway I wish I could say more but words are failing me right now. I would definitely recommend continuing to see a good therapist (try it just by yourself without your mother and see if that helps) because that is something that has helped me greatly. I can tell from your words that you are an amazing person and you have a great spirit (not trying to be "spiritual" lol) that inspires creativity in an artist like myself. I wish you all the best

Thank you guys so much for your great responses I really appreciate it I never even thought about the whole thing with directions. Weather im turning left or right and what that means To quote Villagewisdom: "Some of my thoughts are that you were taught early in life to follow the rules or you will get in trouble. But you would also have a tendency to look outside of those walls to other possibilities (the higher wall further back) with a desire to explore, but as of the date of this dream you are still not willing to go outside of those boundaries. There is a thought pattern built early that keeps you within a certain circle of experience that is “safe”." What you said here really resonated with me and I must continue to think about this.

Hello everyone, Below is a dream that I had a little over two months ago. It is a very long and extremely detailed dream. As soon as I awoke from this dream i got the feeling that it was very important and immediately went to write it down. It took almost two hours to write. As i said, parts of this dream are very disturbing and it is sometimes meticulously detailed and somewhat complicated so I hope you will bear with it. Also very mysterious and strange at times. I don't know why i didn't want to post this here until now but i re-read the dream again today and that really inspired me to post it here. It is also important to know before reading this dream that i have an abysmal relationship with both of my parents and plan on De-fooing as soon as I'm financially independent. They have also never taken responsibility for the abuse inflicted on me as a child. I hope by saying that i am not "loading" or giving you any pre-conceived notions about the dream but I just think its important to know that because there seems to be many parental themes in the dream. Anyway, here it is: The dream starts I am dressed in a black suit in tie. I am walking up a staircase where at the top there is a door. Through the door there is an immediate turn left. I take the immediate turn left and begin walking down a hallway. This is the first of four hallways. The hallways appear to be a part of a movie set. There is no ceiling and the walls are propped up. Furthermore, beyond the hallways there is only darkness. As I walk down the hallway, I look in front of me above the walls (which again, have no ceiling and are not much taller than myself), As I look up beyond the walls, I see another big wall behind it with a phrase written on it with big letters. The phrase is "WE WILL FUCK YOU". It is written in blood. I definitely perceive this as a threat. I become aware that the whole time I am walking down these hallways, someone is watching me and they want me to know that they are powerful and that "they will fuck me" if i don't complete my task (more on what the "task" is later). As I reach the end of this hallway, I turn right into the second hallway. As I start walking down the second hallway I look to my left, there is no wall only a frame of a wall. Beyond the frame of the wall I see boards sticking up from the ground in an angular manner, like you would see in an attic. Beyond these boards and below the writing that says "we will fuck you", i see a man being tortured. He is strapped to a chair with a big white sheet over his head and most of his body. I can really only see his legs. There are two men next to him that are his torturers. They look as if they are preparing something. I cannot tell who they are or how they are torturing him, i only know not to interfere. If i did anything to interfere the person or thing watching over me would surly kill me. I continue on down the second hallway and take a left to the third. In the third hallway there is a cardboard cut out of a very muscular man. He looks like the muscular guy on the book cover of Atlas Shrugged who is holding up the globe, only not as noble looking but more intimidating. He also looks like a body builder. He has his fists on his hips and is looking off in the distance with an arrogant and angry look on his face. I perceive this cardboard cut out as message from the person or thing watching over me describing the power that they have. I acknowledge this and continue down into the end of the hallway. As i reach the end, I turn right and look down the fourth and final hallway... (Note: I am only looking down the fourth hallway not walking down it.) It is very dark and at the end of the hallway there is a door which is closed. In front of the door there is a child playing with some toys. The child is four years old. From what I can tell the child is a boy. He is wearing a shirt and a diaper. (He actually looks a bit younger that four years old but for some reason I am positive of the fact that he is four). The child sees me and begins walking towards me. Eventually he starts running towards me. As he is running towards me, two mirror entities of himself appear to the left and right of him. they are greenish and very spectral looking. The child has a smile on his face for the entirety on the dream, an open mouth smile like he is laughing. As he continues to run towards me, I pull a gun out of my inside suit pocket. The gun is a big ass revolver. I aim the gun at the child and proceed to shoot his two mirror entities, and then himself, in the head. This is the end of this part of the dream... The next part of the dream begins and i am in a totally different place. I am in a room in the house were I live (I'm 19 and live with my mother). The location of the room in the house is the downstairs bathroom, but it is not the downstairs bathroom... It is just an empty room with a big window. I am looking out the window. As I am looking out the window, I see the area and the neighborhood in front of my house. The strange thing is that instead of being on ground level looking out (and this room is on the ground level of my house), I am looking down at the neighborhood from what looks like 3 stories up. There is no 3rd floor in my house unless you count the attic. As I look out the window I am contemplating. I think I remember doing something else as i am looking out the window but i cant remember what it was and i cant remember if i was doing anything for sure. Eventually, I leave the room and walk out to the first floor of my house. I see my mother in the living room. She is standing on something and is working on something near the ceiling. I think perhaps she is decorating. She does not notice me. I walk into the pantry in the kitchen and collapse. Thus ends the second part of the dream. The third part of the dream begins and i am standing at the beginning of the first hallway again. Something is different this time. I begin to see things in a third person perspective (specifically is feels like I am playing a character in a video game). This part of the dream is somewhat hard to describe. As I am playing this video game character (which is me in the hallway) I (the person playing the character) suddenly remember that this scene in the hallway was really memorable and really stuck with me. It is as if I am re watching the whole scene again. (This is the first time in the dream where it is acting like a video game, this theme of it being a video game continues later). Suddenly I am back embodying myself again in the hallway (IE: im not playing myself in a game anymore, I am simply there in the hallway). Everything is the same in the hallways. As I am walking down the first hallway I suddenly have a flashback... The flashback is to a room where two people (I don't know who they are) are standing on a catwalk (or bridge like structure). It is very dark in the place they are in, it is a very similar darkness to the room with the hallways. they are observing something being made below. I don't know what is being made but it looks mechanical, like a giant futuristic robot and whatever it is it is obviously evil and nefarious. Suddenly, a man jumps out of the darkness from the area where the thing is being made and begins to somehow climb up the catwalk. The man is a character from the video game grand theft auto 4 (which i first played many years ago when it first came out at a time when I was much younger. I remember having to convince my mom to buy it for me.) The man then proceeds to kill the two people on the catwalk (I think he shoots them). This is the end of the flashback Back to me. As I continue down the hallways is the same as the first time. However during the second hallway, I look to my right instead of my left (to the left is where the tortured man is). Again there is no wall just the frame of the wall and there are the same boards protruding from the ground. As i look to the right I see a wooden head attached to one of the boards. The head looks like Pinocchio. Above the head there is a sign that says "we see everything". This is a reminder that i am being watched. Further off to the right I see a light in the darkness but i don't know what it is. I continue down the second hallway then turn left into the third. I walk down the third hallway past the muscular cardboard cut-out and reach the end of the third hallway and the beginning of the fourth and final hallway. The final part of the dream begins. I am now seeing things from the perspective of a young woman. She is the same age as me (19) or perhaps a bit older. She has short hair and is attractive. I (as this woman) am sitting at the end of the fourth and final hallway were the child was before. As a reminder, there is a door at the end of this hallway. I am propped up against the wall next to the door. I am injured in some way. The door next to me which was closed before is now open. The room that lies beyond it is my mothers bathroom which is large and bright. As I (as this woman) am lying there injured, an invisible entity appears next to me and says into my ear: "Four years and five score today..." It then stabs me in the womb. (It could be the gut but i think it is symbolic for the womb). (Note: When the invisible entity says "Five score" I thought during the dream that this meant five days. However after looking it up, a "score" means a group of 20. So perhaps "Five score" means one hundred days? I'm still not totally sure. The important thing is that during the dream i perceived it as five days.) As soon as this entity stabs me, the four year old child appears and begins running towards me from the beginning of the hall. The two spectral mirror entities that he had before are running along side it. I (still from the perspective of the woman) pull out the same revolver that I shot the child with earlier. I shoot the two entities beside it but not the child itself. The child itself reaches me and I get a "game over" screen (this is where the theme of the dream being a video game begins again). I suppose I press "continue" and the sequence with the child running at me starts again. This time however as the child turns the corner to the fourth hallway, he does so in an intensely terrifying manner. As he turns the corner his shadow looks like that of Nosferatu and he skulking very creepily. I see this and I am shaken with fear to the very core. He stops skulking and begins to run at me again with that same laughing smile on his face. This time, I crawl back into the room behind me (which is my mothers bathroom) through the door that is open. I then pull out the revolver and shoot the child himself (not the entities beside him) Many times in the head. It takes many shots (I suppose six since its a revolver) but he finally vaporizes and his mirror entities beside him disappear. I take a breath of relief. The theme of this part of the dream being a video game is now fully realized because when i kill the child, a screen appears before me that says I will now get a reward. The reward is that I get access to a new weapon (or to be more specific it is an upgrade to a weapon that I already have). It is a katana. As I try to confirm the upgrade by hitting yes or no on the game menu, the buttons on the screen change from Xbox buttons to PlayStation buttons. I realize that I cannot control a PlayStation game with an Xbox controller. THE DREAM ENDS. I wake up in a sweat. It is important to note that the night before I had the same dream however it was only the first part of the dream and when i got to the part with the child in the fourth hallway (as me not the woman) I managed not to shoot him and continue on through some different path. Some of my thoughts on the dream: I think that the "task" I had in the dream was to not shoot the child and that the being watching over me was warning me not to and if i did i would regret it. I think the writing that said "We will fuck you" is not really sexual in its intention. I perceived it in the dream as more like "we will fuck your life up". However, I could be wrong in this assumption. Also, The child is four years old and there are four hallways. Coincidence? I don't know. Here my last thought. In the last scene I think the injured woman could be my mother. This is because she appears in the same place where the child was earlier and In reality I see my mother as basically an overgrown child. I'm very sorry if I provided any unnecessary details (I know i use too many parentheses lololol) but i just wanted to add everything because some of the things described could be very important to the dream. Please, please, please, I would LOVE to have your thoughts about this dream. If you made it to the end I commend you haha. This dream is very important to me and I would be absolutely thrilled to get some feedback on it. Thank you so much.

Having been to Germany i can definitely confirm that metal is more accepted and normal within the culture. If you are in America and go to say, a Wallmart, the music or CD section will only have the most mainstream and well known metal bands like Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, Etc. If however you are in Germany and go to a Müller, (kind of the German equivalent to a Wallmart but on a smaller scale) the music section there has a vast selection of all kinds of metal ranging from well known bands to very underground bands. It was a really cool experience for me as an American when I first went to Germany and going into the music section of a "normal" store and finding some pretty underground bands. It was something I was not used to at all. I too remember that call in show where the caller was talking about his wife and how she listened to "screaming music". Sure his wife was a horrible person, but when someone loves to listen to metal no one should ever immediately correlate that to being dysfunctional. Within the metal/punk scene where I live I have indeed met some dysfunctional people, but I have also met many people who are totally awesome, empathetic, polite and have huge integrity in the music the listen to and/or play. I think underground / extreme metal has a different appeal to everyone but like I said, the fact the most of the time it is immediately correlated with dysfunction is bullshit.

For me, its not really so much of a concern with the vocals. Its always been about the music for me. Of course I still think vocals are an extremely important part of the song but when I am trying to decide what I want to listen to, I decide that based on the music not the vocals. Sure I listen to death metal alot when I want to calm down or I am feeling "pent-up" but I make the decision to listen to something based on the music, not really the vocals or lyrics (for the most part). For example, Some music with harsh vocals can be really fun and exhilarating, sometimes it can be very grim, and sometimes it can be very angry. An example of an extremely fun song with (fucking awesome) harsh vocals: An example of a grim, nekro, and some may say depressing song with harsh vocals (I just think its fucking awesome haha): An exapmle of a (very) aggressive song with harsh vocals: Another agessive song with harsh vocals, this one is death metal: And finally another fun song with vocals that aren't so harsh as some of the others but its definitely not singing: Anyways, like I said I think vocals are extremely important (and don't get me wrong I love good harsh vocals done right) but the appeal to me was always more with the music and the riffs.

Hello, thank you so much for your sympathies. My situation now is that im still living with my mother and we are avoiding each other as much as possible. I have a job at this really nice place teaching guitar but I have no students yet (I'm working it out and hopefully they will be coming in the next week or so). I'm also looking for other part time jobs. I'm seeing a therapist who is good from what i can tell so far but the fact remains that im still living in the torture chamber that is my mothers house. As far as my mothers history i know that she was neglected by her parents (which she inflicted on to me later in life). Other than that I don't know much but I've seen my grandfather yell at her as an adult so i suspect there was verbal abuse as well. I know im almost out but its getting worse. I'm getting angrier and angrier every day. I need to get out ASAP.

Thanks so much everyone for your sympathies. I really appreciate it alot. I am going to do everything I can to stay away from her.

Thank you for all the replies. They were very helpful. I called my last friend that I have in the world and he gave me some good advice. So I've basically confronted and talked to my mother and made her realize that it is evil to kick me out of the house when I literally have nothing. She was manipulative throughout the whole conversation but we made a deal and we agreed that I can still have access to the house but I can't be there when she gets home. I can still sleep there as long as I get home late. We also agreed not to talk to each other any more. This is better than me getting kicked out but I still realize that I need to do everything I can to get out of this house. Starting tomorrow my friend that I mentioned is going to help me start looking for jobs. I'm incredibly grateful that he has decided to help me so much I really had no idea that he would Thanks again for all the replies. It is nice to know that people care. Thank you!

Today my mother told me that I would have to find somewhere else to live. What set it off is that when she got home I started yelling and screaming at her to "shut up, shut up" because her very presence makes me enraged. I was hysterical. I have totally reached my breaking point. I fully understand and accept that there is no going back to that house. It is a torture chamber for me. I can probably go back once to get a suitcase of my belongings but that's it. My question is that i have no idea what to do now. I am an 18 year old male (19 in two days) and have about 60 dollars to my name. I have no friends that I can turn to. I currently have no job. I have been looking into some homeless shelters but still don't really know what the best solution is right now. I know that I am a good and virtuous person but after years of hell I finally snapped today. I am pretty desperate and have nowhere to turn. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thank you so much.

Hey Thank you for reminding me that I am a separate human being from these people. I think i definitely needed to hear that. I also think you are right in that I should have just left if i wasn't enjoying myself. At the very least i could have just made up an excuse and left. Ill be sure to respect my feelings more next time. Huge thanks for your words and the link! Hello! Your words have been very helpful. I have a huge tendency to feel guilty. I tend to really beat myself up over things sometimes. The hardest and most painful part is that when i feel like im not myself, its impossible for me to love myself, let alone anyone else. I will do my best to try and be easier on myself in the future. Thank you

Hello! Your words were very helpful Empathizing with my inner critic really helped me alot. It allowed me to calm down and realize that it was trying to help me. I definitely learned alot from this experience. I also noticed that I do have the tendency to be a total slave to philosophy never allowing or forgiving myself for making a mistake, but these mistakes are really valuable learning experiences and they have allowed me to better myself. Thanks! This is so true. I have really not been around people in a very long time. I still recognized what kinds of people these were very quickly after talking to them but i guess i decided to give them a chance anyway. That was a big mistake and I (hopefully) wont make it again. Thank you! Thank you so much! your words were very encouraging and helpful Having toxic people in my life has always been a huge problem. I was basically surrounded by them throughout my entire childhood. I too have realized that not having them in my life is the best answer and is the true path to happiness. Your 3 step process to identifying toxic people is very insightful and I will surely refer back to it. Over the past few months Ive been doing alot of self reflection and self knowledge and it has been extremely enlightening Being in the false self is one of the worst feelings ever and im doing everything I can to never be in that state again. Thank you!

Hello everyone. Normally, I am very proud and happy with who I am. I think I am a compassionate, virtuous, and empathetic person and I truly do love myself. I feel these things of course, only when I am embodying my true self (which is the vast majority of the time like 96%). However, recently i took a tumble into the false self and it has left me feeling guilty, disgusting, and like a ghost. It involved people which I knew in my past that i don't relate to at all anymore and who i haven't had the willingness to remove from my life as of yet. Here's what happened: My old "friend" (Who I met 8 years ago on World of Warcraft and never in real life) called me up and asked me if I wanted to play a board game with her and her friends over Skype. I had nothing to do today, i was bored, and liked the idea of the game they were playing so I agreed to play. I also don't have any real friends right now and I guess i was desperate to talk to someone. Over the past few months, Ive been slowly realizing that this friend of mine is a very childish and dysfunctional person and one who does not share my values and principals at all. Her friends that were with her were pretty much the same or even worse. They were the kind of people that have no real personality and only care about trivia, stupid cultural things, and trying obsess over things (IE. Video games, sports, politics, etc.) in a desperate attempt to feel important. They reminded me of people who go INSANE over sports. After a while of playing this game with them, i began to feel gross and very guilty. I think this is because i voluntarily agreed to lower myself from my true self to my false self by agreeing to participate in a game with these ghost people and becoming somewhat enmeshed in it (sorry if thats overly technical or too arrogant sounding haha) I guess i didn't really know what i was getting into because i would normally NEVER hang out with these kinds of people in my life and i felt miserable throughout the whole experience. This whole thing my not sound like a really horrible experience, but it was for me and really effected me. After I ended the Skype call with them i felt guilty, gross, and hated myself. The guilt and self hatred (I think) comes from not being my true self and recognizing it. When I am in this state I am not able to love and respect myself (which I desperately need right now) and I am totally miserable. Most of the time I feel like I just need a big hug from someone i love to "make it all better" but i feel like that would not help at all right now because they would just be hugging a ghost. It would probably make me feel even worse and more guilty. What I would love to know from people here is how to... well... recover from the false self. I need to regain the love and self respect that i have for myself. I feel like i need to be pulled up from the murky mud of the false self and back up to who I really am. Thank you so very much! EDIT: I meant to put this post in the "self-knowledge" section. very sorry

Prolix: Thanks for posting the actual video on here, don't know why i couldn't get it to work.

I Found this on Tatiana Moroz's channel. One of the best interviews Ive seen with Stefan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXd8AJnQGkI&list=FLFXb_9k3SIog2nUc_urwBPQ&index=17

NIGHTWISH IS MY FAVORITE BAND!!! haha seriously Tuomas Holopainen's work in that band is truly incredible. They are one of the first bands I ever discovered myself and its a band Ive always come back to. When i saw them live I cried 3 times haha. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GguVsNE1aEg This is one of my favorite songs by them. Its very emotional and if you read into the lyrics, I think it says alot about the songwriter. Musically my main interest is underground, old school 80's metal. I am a huge nerd when it comes to metal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5mb3Lij_P8 Here is a band that ive been getting into alot recently. They are Sabbat from japan. They are a great example of a band who stick to the old ways of metal and have an amazing old school sound. This song sounds like it came out in 1982 but it was actually recorded in 2011. Amazing.

Thank you very much. I greatly appreciate the information but i don't intend on attending college. This is because i don't want to be in massive debt and i don't think i need college to achieve what i want in life (Which is leaving behind great music in the world). Actually during high school, I attended another school called Atlanta Guitar Academy where college level curriculum was taught having to do with music theory and such. I passed as an honors graduate (100 in the class) and have an equivalent to an associates degree as a guitar major. I'm very sorry you had to go through an early life de-FOO. Its a really tough situation but im sure your life is much better now because of it.

Thank you. I don't know where i would be without FDR. I am very in touch with my emotions now and my life is much better for it. Going to therapy while still in the abusive household doesn't really work that well in my experience because even if the therapist is very helpful to you, you still have to go back to a place where you have to deal with horrible people which basically blocks most of the progress you are trying to make in therapy. I think it is because you are trying to progress in your life while still literally living with your past. Its funny you should mention making "moving out" plans with a therapist because i actually did that with mine 2 day ago. I have never actually worked a steady job before. Ive never really had a reason to until now. i used to be scared of it i guess but now i really don't care. I would like to work 7 days a week right now if i can just so i can get out of here faster.

I see. That sounds very useful. Thank you so much.

Its quite possibly projection. However my mother is one of these spiritual people who think that people with a rational mind just "reason away everything" and I think that she thinks Ive "reasoned away" having empathy for people. I do in fact have lots of empathy just not towards my parents because they are unrepentant abusers. As far as the helplessness goes, all throughout my life my mother has basically done everything for me. She has not prepared me for life AT ALL. This is the main reason why it was hard for me to do things for myself because i just had no idea how to do basic things in society. I'm still struggling with this but I am learning. Within the next 2 weeks I will definitely be starting a job as a guitar teacher and then hopefully part time at Starbucks or something for some extra coin. It will still be a few months (I think) before i have the money to move out but at least I am now on the path towards it. Thank you for your reply. I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting to get the hell away from stupid bitch mothers. I definitely know that moving out if what i need to do and have a plan, a budget etc. The only thing i don't have is friends to support me. This concerns me greatly but i will just have to live with that reality for now. I really never do things out of anger. This recent experience of yelling at my mother like i did is the only circumstance in which i can remember that i did. Also as soon as im out of here i will definitely start looking for a good therapist. Ive tried therapy while still living here but getting therapy while still in the abusive household is like throwing water out of a sinking ship. Thank you. I think you are right about the yelling being my inner child finally unleashed. My preferences were totally ignored for the most part when i was a child and my feelings were really not cared about. When i criticize my parents I basically show no mercy. I am very straightforward with the problems i have with them, what i think about them, and what i think (and often times know) what the truth of the whole situation is. When i criticize them, it often reminds me of one of the charters in one of Ayn Rand's books because (I believe) I am a virtuous person and i just lay on the truth to a bunch of "second-handers" and narcissists. Sorry if that sounds arrogant haha. The argument that I had with my mother where she told i had no empathy (I actually remember she specifically said that I "Don't have a compassionate bone in my body") was a while ago so i don't remember it all to clearly. But from what i remember I was basically telling her that i think she didn't care about me enough when i was a child and that i think she made alot of decisions without taking me into consideration. Thats when she told me i have no empathy. Yes i don't want to sink to the level of my parents by yelling at her which is why I am going to try my hardest not to yell at her again. I never have problems trying to resist yelling at other people only with my parents. I know my anger is justified but obviously I know now yelling will not get through to her. I have never read real time relationships or any of Stef's books to be honest, Ive just listened to his podcasts for 2 years. The reason I am so against reading is because i was forced to do so much reading of retarded books in public school so whenever i try to read I am very reluctant to do it because it holds a negative connotation in my mind. Thank goodness I was able to read The Fountainhead haha

So here is the situation.. I am a 18 (soon to be 19) year old male living with my mother and trying to finish up high school (I'm graduating 5 months late). The situation i have here with my mother is totally out of control. I am sickened by her and really just hate her deeply. I simply cannot live in the same house with her anymore. I think what brought on this hatred is the fact that over the past year, and especially the past 4 months, Ive been gaining A LOT of self knowledge about myself and my history and when i try to bring up criticisms of her and the things shes done in the past, she is totally unconnected in the conversation and doesn't really care fundamentally. she pretends like she does but its a facade. I know this because she'll act like she wants to help me and act like she cares but as soon as i put forth an argument that she cant refute or that is hard for her to hear, she immediately turns against me and makes it about HER. She will then proceed to say horrible things about me such as "You don't have an empathetic bone in your body". The other reason reason that i think Ive come to hate her so deeply, is that Ive come to realize that she has not really accomplished anything in her life and because of this, she has distilled a sense of helplessness in me because (I think) she does not want to see me succeed or be happy because her own life has been so shitty. She knows i have the potential for an amazing life and she doesn't want that because she couldn't have it herself. This weight of helplessness that she set upon me was so heavy that only in the past week have i realized that I NEED to go out in the world and get things done for myself. Ive literally been wasting away in this house all summer waiting for people to come "rescue" me and get things done for me. I regret that only now have i been able to throw off this delusion, but im glad it is gone nonetheless. Anyway, to be honest i just think that my mother is really stupid and, at this point, i just think she is a really pathetic person. Sorry if this first part was overly ranty. Ive never really had anyone to talk about this stuff to. I will now get on to the main point. 2 days ago, my mother came home from work and when she came in i was furious at her for... well... just existing basically. She was being really loud and the sound of her voice makes me quiver in rage. What i usually do when she comes home is hide away in my room or leave the house until she goes to bed (usually around 5 hours). However I was so mad at her that after an hour or so i stormed out of my room to go confront her. When i confronted her, I started talking to her in a commanding and (what i would consider) an abusive "tone of voice". I told her that she needed to spend more time at her boyfriends house (my parents are divorced) because we simply cannot live in the same house any more. After a minute or so she sad "you cant talk to me like that". I replied, "I can talk to you however i fucking want you stupid bitch". I then proceeded to tell her how much i hate her and how much she disgusts me and how pathetic I think she is. The conversation ended in the typical way of her pretending to care but then turning against me and making it all about herself. She then started crying and then ran upstairs saying "this is not what i needed tonight". Looking back on the conversation, i am concerned about how i talked to her. I think the reason I yelled at her the way I did in such a commanding and mean way is because 1. Whenever i try to have a civilized conversation with her it never works out and 2. because i feel like she deserved it. I remember storming out of my room with the intention of being an asshole to her and i did not let go of that intention. I did not want to have a civilized conversation i just wanted to scream. That is what concerns me the most, that i didn't let go of wanting to yell. I would NEVER talk like this to anyone else, but i am still concerned that this yelling might occur again later in my life. I would really just like peoples thoughts on my whole situation. If you have any advice on the situation with my mother, or any advice on how to get the hell out of this house as fast as humanly possible, they would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so much

A very good examination of the show. I was obsessed with this show when I was a kid and watched it all of the time. During that age, like the kids in the show, i was also neglected by my parents (Not in an extreme way but they didnt pay alot of attention to me and didnt really care about my preferences or anything like that, definitly not an over abundance of empath in the house). What i related to even more, and why I think i was obsessed with this show so much, is when you mention how these kids have to learn many essential lessons in life on their own. This is a very painful thing that i have definitly had to go through in my life. I guess thats why i related to the characters so much. I was also very socially awkward like the main characters, espescially Edd. It is indeed a great example of the horrid effects parental neglect can have on children. Very good post!