neeeel
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Posts posted by neeeel
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But I have found space for it in my mind by accepting that there are, and will be things in this world that cannot be explained by science
Possibly this is true, but even if it is, why do you think the bible explains those things?
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I find great comfort in nuance. In recognizing that not all musicians are like my ex-husband, for example. Recognizing counterexamples can bring shades of gray to a question that may appear black and white. In your case, does it help to visualize successful adults, who you may want to emulate?
I am finding it hard to think of any adult that I want to emulate. At some point , they "sold out" to some extent or another. I can realise that "selling out" might actually be making compromises, or choosing something that seemed more important to them over some other thing, but thats only an intellectual understanding. My gut feeling is of "danger, stay away" when it comes to thinking about "being an adult"
I am an adult by any definition. I get that ( intellectually, at least). Perhaps these are "childish" pictures of how the world works. but I end up in a vicious circle, because by challenging these "childish" pictures, I am feeling the panic and "danger, stay away", if that makes sense
Or another thing I was thinking is: doesn't remaining inert and 'unsuccessful,' by their definition, satisfy their grim predictions for you? What about rebelling against that?Its funny that, by rebelling against them and everything they stand for, I have ended up where they are, alone, isolated, unemotional.
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change = growing up. Growing up = becoming like parents. I dont want to become like my parents.
( of course, change might not necessarily = growing up, and growing up might not necessarily = becoming like my parents, but thats how I picture it,)
My parents seemed to me to be full of stupid arbitrary rules, to be illogical, unkind, I felt very strongly that I needed to protect myself, and that meant rejecting the stuff they tried to put on me.
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becoming like whom?
My parents, mostly, but any adult in general.
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The idea that it is possible to be "born into the wrong body" is really misleading, and bizarre.
Perhaps thats not the same as gender identification.
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Maybe change is only dangerous to a part of you, that you haven't gotten to know yet. Who is this part and why is it afraid or resistant to change?
A lot of it is to do with not growing up, not becoming like "them", I would say this part is about 6 or 7 years old, but maybe also a lot of teenager mixed in.
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Its hard to know what to think.
The story is portrayed as one of a loving doting father, who spends time playing and looking after his daughter. But Im not sure I believe that. Its portrayed as if "we just dont know how or why it happened, it came out of nowhere", but then there are little things like
"Susan turns on me, blaming Janni's condition on my history of violent outbursts before I was on anti-depressants"Was he on anti-depressants before janni was born? Or was he having violent outbursts around her? or directed at her?
He talks a lot about restraining his daughter, as if thats the only thing that works, and yet he talks about how bright and intelligent his daughter is, which would indicate that she could understand reasoning and logic.
I dont know what I would do in his situation, it sounds horrible. But Im not sure we got the full story. My brother has schizophrenia( at least, thats what he was diagnosed), and I have been with him during the schizo periods, it was very frightening, but he didnt turn violent, or try to attack me. He only became violent if threatened.
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thanks to everyone who replied.
I hate the term "self pity" as it was used to disregard a lot of my genuine, strong, negative emotions as a child. If my mother had explored them with me it would have changed everything, so please, change everything for yourself now! never disregard this as self pity! you are reaching out in a time of need! That is not self pity.
Examine your feelings, get some insight, I would advise getting some cognitive behavioral therapy to change your underlying negative paradigm (which I think you expressed excellently). Although I've been able to change a lot of negative underlying paradigms through greater perspective (the "zoom out" Stefan sometimes talks about in his shows). I'd sugest that it may help you to find something humbling and enjoy that connecting to reality which really puts things in perspective.
I think that the therapy I currently have is at least part cognitive therapy. Look at your feelings and beliefs, are they true, do they apply to the present situation.
What sort of things do you suggest that are "humbling and enjoy that connecting to reality"?
I agree that self pity is perhaps a self attacking term. Perhaps I have in my head someone telling me to "just get on with it and stop whining".
Some aspects of what you describe remind me strongly of myself in past years. A process of years of self healing, great therapist, alas the other people were causing trouble, not helping. If you have good guidance, you're on the way, and here you'll have more help.
More specifically, I am now a person who I LITERALLY could not even imagine at the beginning of my journey. You may have fantastic reward awaiting you, but you cannot yet see ahead on the trail that far. Tho' some of your remarks suggest that you are seeing pretty well.
In darkest times, I discovered the difference between faith and hope. When things seem hopeless, no possible vision of goodness, still have faith that it's there ahead, you just can't see or imagine it. We aren't omniscient. At a practical level, I put it as "No matter how down you feel, keep brushing and flossing, for the future that may lie ahead."
I spend much time on my Mac. At times of very great distress, it's been a welcome self medication, but at that point, a nap is usually better. Mostly, it's a search for...what? Some kind of improvement. I am using and refining my mind constantly, I look at grand old movies online and feel grandly amused and relaxed. I ferociously online game, and the way I do it, it's a full body workout. (Keep the wrists relaxed.) I learn huge amounts of stuff. No cat pix, but I like Ten Cats Comic. You're not wasting time, you're cogitating. Just move around now and then.
I think I dont see the reward. I dont see whats in it for me if I become more open, outgoing, friendly, trusting, I dont know. I cant imagine what having friends would be like. All those things are undesirable in some way. I know on an intellectual basis that humans are social creatures, with a need for bonding, social interaction. That doesnt translate into recognising my need for that. In fact , it seems to be the opposite, I can see the need for the opposite of that, if that makes sense.
I really have little/no expertise in these areas, so I hesitate to comment, but when you say you felt it is useless for you to change, I wonder if that is a particular aspect of yourself, related to your history. Rather than fight or resist this urge, or give in to it, I might be curious about this part of you, and why it is afraid of or resistant to change. Is there someone in your past or present life who doesn't want you to change? I hope that helps. Kudos on your hard work and determination.
Yes, I am very resistant to change. Which might seem contradictory, given that I am in therapy and looking for change. I wonder if I am looking for a miracle cure.We have just started to touch on this resistance in therapy, maybe it will become clearer after we have explored it a bit. It feels like change is very dangerous to me.
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Its been a year since I found FDR. After listening to a few of the podcasts, and reading a lot of the board, I realised I needed to get in to therapy. so I have been a year in therapy, and I feel stuck. I think my therapist is great. He realises the importance of childhood experience, and is constantly gently bringing me back to look at how my experience was, how I felt then, what the effects are.He is good at reflecting anger or hurt at some of the experiences I had as a child.And yet, I still dont trust him, I am barely ever emotional in therapy( or outside), he points out that I am never relaxed, that I am always sitting on the edge of the seat as if I expect to be asked to leave, or as if I dont feel like I can really be there. I think I have been really emotional 2 or 3 times, the rest of the time I sit and relate things in a pretty monotone voice. I dont maintain eye contact, although I will occasionally look at him.
When I was lying in bed last night, I felt really pathetic and useless. Like it was useless for me to try and "change" or get self knowledge. I suppose the belief is that I am inherently flawed in some way, that unhappiness is what is in store for me, that not being able to relate to or trust people is just "how I am", that instant angry reaction to criticism or mockery or insults is the way I am, and the way I will always be. I cant really explain exactly what I mean here, I suppose its like a self image I have.
I suppose I expect that the way I feel about things will change or stop, and thats how I will know that I am "better". I am expecting that I wont feel uncomfortable around people, or that I wont feel rejected or sad when certain things happen. Am I mistaken here? Am I looking at it wrong? Is it rather, that the feelings will continue, but I will gradually come to recognise them, and see that those feelings are not necessarily related to whats happening in the moment?
I spend most of my time on the PC, I am guessing that its self medication. I occasionally feel very empty , and I have noticed that rather than stay with that, I will turn back to the PC and look for something to do.
I dont really have a specific question for people to answer. Would be interested to hear peoples thoughts. Perhaps this is all just self pity ( or maybe thinking its self pity is part of the pathetic and useless self image I have)
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So now conciousness without matter becomes electrical impulses in a vacuum.
But electrical impulses can be further generalised as the movement of charged particles and we have defined the space of no matter as devoid of all particles.
So in a space of no matter, a vacuum, no particles thus no impulses thus no conciousness.
Is consciousness electrical impulses? I realise that without one, there isnt the other, but does that mean they are one and the same? I dont think we have actually found what consciousness is, just what conditions are needed for consciousness to be present.
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"I dont know the full story, but the impression I get is that you are reading too much into all this."
I don't know if others feel the same way, Neeel, but I find this phrase dismissive. You are saying there wouldn't be a problem if he stopped thinking about these things. But there is a problem, obviously, Ricardo identifies it himself - he thinks he was manipulating the other person into thinking he was empathetic and curious. That's an issue that is really important to him.
I can understand that it might be taken as dismissive. I could have phrased it better, perhaps.
I am not saying that he should stop thinking about it, or forget about it. The impression I got was that he was totally thrown into a spiral of self recrimination, worry, fear, all from what seemed to be from an effort to be interested and curious with someone. He seemed to switch to believing that he was a horrible immoral evil person, just because someone questioned his motives, or threw a few labels at him. I know its difficult to do from the inside ( I am similarly stuck with extremes of thinking when it comes to myself), so I just wanted to say, take a step back, forget the labels, forget what story you are building up around it, and look at it more dispassionately. Not easy to do, I know.
Edit: Perhaps this is still too dismissive as well?
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How do you think it will change a child's perception and understanding growing up on a farm, seeing animals hump on a semi regularly basis? When a bull is doing the business, there isn't much guessing to be had at what's going on... Maybe that's a good way to teach children in a less graphic age when they're younger? Animal anatomy.
I think perhaps it can be traumatizing and so awkward for children because that's how all of the adults around them treat it.
this is exactly what I was thinking too, about farms etc. Everything is out there for small children to see and understand, and, as far as I am aware, it wasnt traumatic for farm children, it was an accepted, understood, fact of life.
I also agree that the traumatizing or awkward aspect is likely to come from how the adults treat it.
Part of r-selection is the early sexualization of children or the early exposure of children to sexual themes and imagery. According to the r/K theory proposed in "The Evolutionary Psychology Behind Politics" exposing children to sexual imagery too early in life would probably signal an r-selected environment. That part of the theory might be false - I certainly can't prove it at this point - but I have that in the back of my mind.I dont understand. If they are already in an r-selected environment ( Im not sure what that means? that the parents, and people they came into contact with, were r-selected?) then they are already r-selected, if the theory is true. Are you saying that, in a k-selected environment, showing anatomical diagrams, for example ( I am not talking about showing porn or anything, but diagrams of the body, how it works, what it contains, the differences between male and female bodies, where the womb is, etc), would turn the environment r? Or that the children would become more r ( whatever that means?) .
You know, now that you actually have me thinking about it, I realized something. I watched so many "stranger danger" type videos as a young kid - drilling into my head that if anyone touched me where my bathing suit covered up they were a bad person who needed to be reported on - that the idea that I'd have to do it myself at some point in the future frightened me. I actually remember thinking through how I was going to have to explain to my future wife that I'd need to touch her there in order for us to have children. It all seemed very dreadful to me at the time.That makes sense. And I can understand that it would be very confusing and troubling for you.
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Perhaps I'm misjudging the average 5-year-old, but showing the actual mechanics of genitalia and sexual intercourse to a kid that young just strikes me as being potentially traumatizing. It certainly makes me feel uncomfortable to think about it. It just feels somewhat r-selected. I know this is not a solid empirically basis but I do remember the first time I was told about how the mechanics of these things actually work, and even though I was about 10 it still really shocked and disturbed me. I wasn't completely naive either, I knew it involved some type of touching between adult males and females but I still felt a little disgusted when I learned the whole truth. I can only imagine that it would be worse for a 5-year-old.
When you said college textbooks, I assumed you meant anatomy or similar, showing the organs, muscles and structure of the body, do college textbooks really show the "nitty gritty" of sex? Showing anatomy text books of the human body would probably be of great interest to 5 year old children.
It just feels somewhat r-selectedWhat does this mean? Can the imparting of information be r-selected?
showing the actual mechanics of genitalia and sexual intercourse to a kid that young just strikes me as being potentially traumatizingI feel like this is your "icky" feeling, rather than anything else. You could say anything is potentially traumatizing.
I can't help but think that if a 5-year-old were to ask where babies come from, saying something like, "adult women grow them in their bellies with the help of adult men", would probably be enough for that age. I could be wrong though.
Yes, it may be, or it may not be, If they were satisfied with that answer, then sure. If they had more queries ( and likely they would, if they had parents who were open, honest, and relaxed with their children), then I dont see why showing them good pictures of anatomy would be bad.
I was about 10 it still really shocked and disturbed meWhat was it that shocked and disturbed you?
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However, you shouldn't get into details that aren't age appropriate either (e.g. showing college level anatomy books to 5-year-olds)
I dont see a problem with showing college level anatomy books to 5 year olds, so maybe I am missing something? I imagine they would be intrigued and interested, by the diagrams, at least
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you have 266 posts, so youve been around the forum a fair bit, and have probably watched lots of stefs videos. So, you know what the general view on single mothers is. So I am wondering, what are you wanting out of posting this? You dont give much detail, theres not much people can say other than "tsk, single mothers"
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I dont know the full story, but the impression I get is that you are reading too much into all this.
It sounds like you made an honest mistake, you were trying to help. You didnt string him along pretending to be his friend for weeks, or abuse him, or manipulate him. ( this is assuming your stated motives are true, of course).
I have noticed that some people on FDR seem quick to jump onto concepts and ideas, without fully understanding them. For example, I was listening to a call where the guy was saying, I was in a co-dependent relationship, I was manipulated, and when stef asked him what he meant, he finally admitted he didnt really know. Its like, people hear these concepts, and are quick to appropriate them, or use these labels on themselves, or others.
If the members of the group deemed you immoral( this is another example of people quick to apply labels or concepts) then you are probably better off without them. Did they give you a chance to explain? Or repair what damage you had done? Or tried to understand in any way? Or did they just lump on with the labels and condemnation?
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I take it thats a "no" then
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. Also if Africa is too dumb and too weak to protect their resources, so be it.
So does this apply to you as well? Ie, if someone stronger or smarter than you comes and takes your stuff, thats ok?
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this subject brings to mind the experiment with monkeys, where they separated young or baby monkeys from their parents, with some they put a bare wire frame in the cage. On others they put a wire frame covered with fur into the cage. The monkeys with the fur covered frame spent much more time cuddling or in contact with the fur. the ones with just the wire frame ( which was in the shape of a monkey I think) spent no time cuddling or in contact with the bare wire frame
I wonder if the comfort object is a similar thing, since comfort objects are usually warm and furry. I wonder if, if the children got to co-sleep with their parents, and had as much physical contact as they wanted, they would attach to the objects in the same way
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I think my question is, how can we help this poor child?
treat him as a real person, who has thoughts and feelings. Talk with him, play with him, be open and honest with him. if he brings up death, be curious about what he is communicating.
As far as his parents are concerned, it sounds horrible for him. Im not sure how I would approach that. Perhaps give them some info on peaceful parenting or the affects of hitting or verbally abusing children.
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while it seems possible that he has suffered some abuse, I wonder if its not just that he has learned about death, or has it on his mind in some way. Perhaps its his way of trying to open up a conversation about death, to help him process it. He probably realises it that its a taboo subject. I wonder why you were disgusted? saying "why would you say something like that" is not very useful, I dont think. It shuts off the conversation and implies that he is "bad" for bringing it up.
Children use games all the time to explore subjects. I dont see anything wrong with a pretending to die or be killed game, it doesnt mean that they are turning into a psychopath. Of course, you know him better than me.
Another option is that maybe he enjoys and values the reactions he gets from adults when he brings up a taboo subject?
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I dislike the "what if" arguments.
I was talking to my brother about stuff ( hes a muslim) and we were talking about the ban on pork, His thought process supporting that, was that its wrong to eat humans, so what if pigs were just regressed humans. I was baffled that he would put this out as if it was something supporting his belief. he did later qualify that he wasnt 100% sold on the idea.
Similarly with christians, if you bring up something that seems logically inconsistent, they just wave if away with "well, what if god wants X"
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That would be awesome to have a record like that. Does it help you remember, or re-remember things you had forgotten, or bring back the way you felt at that time?
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You're looking at a magnet stuck on a fridge and saying that magnetic fields could not be true. I'm done with this.
No, thats not what I am doing at all
The Truth about Mormons
in Atheism and Religion
Posted
I dont think this answers my question though. why do you think the bible , or religious teachings, can answer the questions that science cant answer? What is it about the bible that gives it authority, for example?