Tibith

I understand that it's more of a contextual thing: it's not verbal abuse if it's voluntary. For instance, at work I have this guy that occasionally cracks little off-the-cuff jokes about my skills like "Let's see what you broke here". But here the tone is everything. He is clearly indicating through the use of tone that he is joking and so I take this as an invitation for me to do the same to him (also, if he feels he oversteps he "corrects" himself and at the end gives objective feedback anyways). This bro-ish ball-busting dynamic can be annoying, but it also can stem from a want to become close the the "insultee". Typical male behavior, and can mostly be benign and actually fun sometimes, when in moderation.

Hi, Matthew! Thank you for this post - I think you are spot on on your observations. Cannabis does seem to give you momentary relief from direct anxiety, but it does so by distracting you with intense feels. Meanwhile, your background anxiety just increases as it passes more and more into your subconscious. I used to smoke a lot of pot ever since I was 16-ish - I'm 25 now. I completely stopped just 4 months ago. I used to think I could not work without smoking (I'm a cg artist). I would spend hours fumbling around anxiously, talking randomly to myself in my head, trying to convince myself that what I was doing was so innovative, intense and fun. Sometimes I would get these snippets of inspiration and feel an intense rush of creativity that would last for about an hour or two. I had myself convinced that THIS was the main reason why I did weed and that the anxiety was just an unwanted physical response, nothing more. Since I stopped I learned all of this was utter bullshit because not only that I can work without it - I can stay concentrated for a much longer period of time and get direct emotional feedback from the work that I'm doing without adding extra layers of fluff on top so that I feel good about it no matter what. I came to similar conclusions as you have - that it is a sort of trauma reenactment from my childhood. My mother was always controlling and manipulative (my father was an appeasing absentee alcoholic) and as a result I grew up with a pretty confused mindset. Always on the lookout - searching for where the next temper tantrum would surface. The constant anxiety that I put myself through while stoned made me feel that I was the one in control of it and not my mother, father or sister (she's extremely un-empathetic to put it nicely) - and this pseudo-relaxation gave me enough immediate distance from my problems so that I could be creative. Truth is, my joy and creativity were always there, but I could not access that state while sober. After a series of very long discussions with my fiancee I decided I will put off pot indefinitely. Now I'm more emotionally stable then ever and I use my time more to further my skills and grow then to avoid anxiety locked in a smokey bubble of emotional escapism. My memory could be better, though ) Sorry for the long rant - It's my first post on FDR, btw . Hope my story has some informative value on you or other people here. I have a question for you: what made you come back to smoking pot after the year-long pause?