kathryn

Thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate. For a while in my life I was spending time alone partly because I was super depressed (and suffering from Asshole Proximity Disorder). Feeling defeated and worthless, I didn’t have the energy to do much on the weekends, and that didn’t feel like a choice, more like a limitation. After being introduced to FDR and getting the corrupt people out of my life, I didn’t feel depressed anymore, and spending time alone felt empowering and productive. Months of thinking, journaling, and listening to podcasts is awesome, but I was afraid it would be difficult to explain to the average person what that meant to me. From the outside, it looks like a lot of sitting around. But it’s interesting as I’m becoming more comfortable being direct about how I spend my time, most people are pretty relaxed and receptive. I’m expecting them to react the way my overachieving mother did, who had to have every minute of her day filled with tangible accomplishments, but most people are curious and interested when I tell them some of the things I’ve been learning and thinking about. That’s my current strategy in terms of how to respond when people ask what I’ve been doing lately, I discuss some of the ideas that have been on my mind lately, and it’s made small talk so much more interesting and fun. Also, if you haven’t read Quiet yet, you should immediately. I’m not sure. My experience has been that foggy responses are the result of the un-examined mind. The point may be to deceive and halt intimacy, but I don't think that it's conscious, which why reactions are automated. Everyone knows that lying is wrong, so the only way they can continue that behavior is through the plausible deniability that arises from unawareness. Yes, the majority of my pre-FDR relationships did not survive much RTRing. I’m glad you liked the article. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Hell yes.

I complied a little list of FDR terms, mostly for fun, but also for the newbies out there. Please add more! Aesthetics - A branch of philosophy which examines beauty and good taste. When applying aesthetics to behavior, it is outside the realm of morality. For example, it is aesthetically preferable to be prompt, but it is not immoral to be late. Aesthetics helps evaluate certain behaviors which are better than others, but not necessarily right or wrong. Being late isn’t evil, but it is preferable to be on time. Armadillo Rollover Defense - Play dead! A defense tactic used to avoid criticism and, in more extreme cases, reality itself. It is a form of denial where the party in question plays dumb. Example: "Mom, I feel upset about certain things that happened in my childhood." Mom sticks fingers in her ears and starts singing, "Lalalalala." Asshole Proximity Disorder - A state of dissociation or depression that manifests only when you are around certain people, namely assholes. This negative emotional response is not dysfunctional, it is an appropriate reaction to being around corrupt people. Blarp - To vent or unload a lot of negative emotions on another person, which temporarily transfers the emotional pain to the other person (see Poison Container). The blarp is distinctive for how unproductive it is. There will be relief in the moment, a catharsis of sorts, but none of the underlying problems have been resolved. Blut - A Beauty Slut. Someone who seeks beauty in a romantic relationship in order to increase status. Someone who values beauty over virtues. BNAP - Bullshit Non-Apology. An "apology" that doesn't imply any personal guilt or responsibility. Example: “I’m sorry I yelled, but you upset me.” Translation: “My bad behavior is your fault.” Often there will be a covert insult embedded in the BNAP. Fog - A form of dishonesty that occurs when there is a disconnection with the self. It is a defense mechanism in which your mind has protected itself from painful memories or feelings, so when those things come up your mind goes blank. It is often marked by confusion, evasion, and non-direct answers like “I don’t know.” More info here. Poison Container - Abusive behavior which repeatedly uses someone as a dumping ground for unprocessed psychological pain. Psychological pain is transferrable; it can be lessened, temporarily, by unloading on another person. The most vile form of this is from a parent to a child. A child does not have developed internal boundaries yet, so this kind of violation affects children more than it would adults. Further, a child is trapped, he or she is involuntarily in the situation and cannot get away. It is seriously sick. UPB - Universally Preferable Behavior. To UPB someone is to point out double standard or hypocrisy that they are employing. As in, "Oh, your mom wants to tell you that you are being inconsiderate by not coming to Sunday dinner? UPB her ass! She is being inconsiderate by not caring about the fact that you don't want to come to Sunday dinner." Read the book! RTR - Real-Time Relationship. A relationship in which there is freedom to be completely honest in the moment about one’s thoughts and feelings. See the brilliant, life changing book here. Virtue - A quality considered morally good or desirable in a person. Examples: honesty, integrity, courage, strength, empathy, etc. Zinger - A remark which is abrasive or stinging, but not intentionally so. While comment wasn’t meant to hurt the person it was directed to, it was still painful and needs to be corrected. This typically occurs because of collateral damage from an unprocessed childhood. Once one has awareness of this though, it is preventable with introspection, processing, and personal responsibility.

A dream within a dream within a dream. Interesting. The first things that strikes me is the incremental encroachment of the mice. At first you only see one, then another, and on and on until there is a whole mess of critters invading your room. All the creatures are quite small; one of them isn't a big deal, but as their numbers increase it becomes a problem. When I started being more assertive, I felt overwhelmed by "little things." Starting to negotiate where before I would have just accommodated was very alarming for certain people in my life. They began to push back even harder, which was so frustrating. I don't know if you are experiencing anything similar, but I become afraid of letting little things go, possibly over-correcting but unsure of the balance. The yellow tags on the mice is interesting. What did the tags look like? Were they like shopping tags? Or was it more gruesome like a toe tag? PS - I posted about a recurring nightmare I had as a kid which featured crickets. Some folks had interesting thoughts on the little creatures, if you are interested.

It could be a "secret" group on Facebook. This would offer the most privacy, so only the members could see who else is in the group. However, this would make the group invite only. So, the only folks who could join would be friends of current members or those who take the initiative to ask for an invitation. I'm sure there are pros and cons to this approach, but this way we could call it what it is ("FDR Women") and be clear about the group's purpose, while also keeping some anonymity. What do you think? Here's a rundown of the privacy settings for Facebook groups: https://www.facebook.com/help/220336891328465

I was thinking Wednesdays as well! That sounds great! And the facebook group + google hangout sounds perfect. Let me know if I can help with set up at all.

Stef talks about a woman's sexual market value decreasing with age, but not her inherent value as a human being. The main idea of sexual market value is what a person has to offer reproductively. For women that is primarily fertility, which, of course, declines with age. But personal value is a very different concept, gained from virtue and goodness. Your capacity for virtue only increases as you deepen your self-knowledge, as does your ability to do good in the world.

Thanks for the feedback, y'all! Even the burliest of men has little parts. Can you tell me more about your experience with the "destructive effects of escape"? Not entirely sure if I know what you mean.

Oh man, so true! I wince to even call that sort of thing a "conversation" because a conversation indicates that there is an exchange of ideas. Someone dumping their feelings like that is one way. More of an infliction than a conversation. Great content, as usual, Miss Sacha!

Just published my first article on Medium! Check it out! https://medium.com/self-knowledge-daily/cutting-the-fog-770fbcc39b52#.vc8j5uu3a 4 Tips for Practicing a Higher Level of Honesty Most people don’t intend to be dishonest. Few people go around actively telling lies to others. However, most lies, and the lies that arise from fog, are denials we tell ourselves. This kind of dishonesty comes out of unawareness and can be detrimental to relationships. Fog is a state of disconnection with the self. It is often marked by confusion and evasion. For example, a coworker asks you what you did last night. The image of you alone, binging on pizza and Netflix on the floor of your bedroom in your underwear, flickers through your head, as does a creeping feeling of shame, but you immediately suppress the emotion. When you are fogging, you do not fully connect with the feeling of shame because your body registers it as a bad feeling, one you need to run away from. Fight or flight mode gets activated within your own mind against yourself. It isn’t wrong or dangerous to tell your coworker that you were “taking it easy” the night before, no need to over disclose or create social awkwardness, but it is dangerous to lie to yourself. Suppressing the feelings of shame doesn’t make those feelings disappear. Fog clouds your feelings, and prompts little lies that erode the sense of self. Keep in mind that I am not advocating for stating everything you are feeling all the time, that would obviously be socially inappropriate. Openness with others is only a virtue when it has boundaries and containment, but that is different from the level of honesty you have with yourself. Also, I do want to mention that cultivating more honesty with myself is a work in progress for me. I am not an expert. I’m still learning the cues from my body and emotions and how to listen to them. It’s a process of decoding messages from my instincts. These are some the strategies I use to cut the fog: 1. Slow Down Take a breath. When you are talking quickly, thinking quickly, or in a situation you perceive a pressure to answer immediately you’re more likely get confused and foggy. When I feel this way sometimes I excuse myself to the bathroom, and in the space of 60 or 90 seconds I can center myself and have a clearer idea of how I feel. And, being an introvert, I think getting a minute and a half of solitude gives me a lot of strength. (Though this tactic does backfire when you are with a group of girls who all want to go to the bathroom together!) 2. Be Gentle with Yourself Self-compassion is so important as you try to cut the fog. Internally resisting your feelings is like fighting the wind. Behavior is voluntary; you are in control of your actions, but emotions are involuntary responses and not in your control. The parts of your body, which speak up to tell you how you feel, get really scared when another part of you is yelling at them to shut up. Be gentle with those little parts, they are trying to help you! Also, remember that perfection is an impossible standard. Everyone makes mistakes. We are only human. Errors in memory and judgment happen all the time, and that’s ok. The real test is how you handle making those mistakes. If you are busy beating yourself up, you will be less likely to make amends or correct the error. 3. Learn About Yourself Did you ever play Age of Empires? The map of the world in the game is totally dark until you send explorers around to uncover the darkness. Think of your mind as a big map that needs to be explored. Ask yourself questions and be curious. How do you feel? What are your preferences? What are your deepest needs? What do you want from life? Send little scouts out in your mind and heart to get a lay of the land! 4. Practice Practicing is vital because you are creating new neural pathways within your brain. You have to form a new path, like a forester building a trail. He has to cut through branches and brush to make a proper walkway, and he has to maintain the path by walking it frequently and cleaning up any debris that falls to the earth. The best place to practice cutting the fog is with a therapist. I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years, and it has been invaluable (especially in the last year since I incorporated philosophy into my therapeutic work). You can also practice by frequently checking in with yourself and exploring your thoughts and feelings through journaling, self-talk, and even mood tracking apps on your phone. Practicing with close friends can also be very helpful, as long as they are empathic, compassionate, and safe people to be vulnerable with. Feeling scared of what a friend will think? Tell them. You don’t have to divulge your deepest darkest secrets if you don’t want to, but be honest about why. Are you ashamed? Are you scared? Figuring out how and why you feel the way you do will offer you enormous clarity in your life and relationships. Conclusion The false self that develops from denying your feelings is exhausting to maintain. When you evaluate the cost-benefit analysis of trying to be someone you’re not, it is far easier just to be your authentic self. The old advice, be yourself, is cliche for a reason. Self-knowledge is an ongoing process, which I’m definitely still working on and developing everyday. There is no quick fix, no Age of Empires-esque reveal map cheat code in real life, but, much like the game, the hard work makes the win much more gratifying.

Yes, I think that makes sense. Asking for forgiveness could be a way to inquire about where you stand. I think checking in with the person on how they feel is important on the progress to forgiveness. Though I do wonder if just asking how the person is feeling about the incident might be more of a conversation opener than, "Do you forgive me?" Then again, after a lengthy discussion of feelings, responsibility, restitution, and repenting, maybe it is ok to ask about forgiveness. Being able to ask that question requires a certain level of trust between the individuals. Like, if my mother asked me if I forgave her for her terrible parenting, I would most likely feel scared and not want to answer her. The fear would hinder my honesty, and for good reason as my mother is verbally abusive. But in a voluntary and trusting relationship that would be quite different. I agree that initiating these conversations while remaining entirely humble and repentant does require vulnerability on the part of the offender. I also think that responding honestly to the question, "Do you forgive me?" requires a certain level of self-awareness on the part of the wronged party. It's difficult to know if the problem is completely resolved, or if sensitivities will come up later unexpectedly. Continuing to talk about it and keeping the lines of communication open is key though. Walking on eggshells is maddening.

Right, asking for forgiveness doesn't make sense because it's not something that can be granted. It would be like asking someone to love you. One cannot will themselves to love another person, just as one cannot will forgiveness. By doing the first four things she mentions (Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Making Restitution, and Genuinely Repenting) forgiving may or may not come in time, but I don't think making a request will expedite the process. I do generally like her list of the Do's and Don'ts for apologies. Just not the bit about requesting forgiveness. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I found this graphic yesterday, and I think it is a great resource for apologies. Here's the link to the original source: http://staymarriedblog.com/the-best-apology-how-to-say-sorry-like-you-mean-it/ The author clarifies that these are tools for apologies within the context of already good relationships, like marriage. She rightly discusses how some things, like childhood abuse, do not warrant personal forgiveness of the violating individual, rather internal processing on the side of the victim. But, within the context of voluntary and valuable relationships, these are the steps she cites for apologizing: Expressing Regret Accepting Responsibility Making Restitution Genuinely Repenting Requesting Forgiveness I think the first four are spot on, but what do y'all think of the last step: requesting forgiveness? I'm not sure why this seems strange to me. In my head it sounds like a demand, which I think is primarily the example I've seen of people asking for forgiveness. But when it is genuinely a request and not a demand, is it appropriate to ask someone to forgive you?

One of the biggest tips I've heard is that it should be an open dialogue. "The sex talk" isn't just one talk. It's an evolving conversation that develops as the child grows. I would alter number 3 and 4 slightly. The life ruining aspects you describe are frightening even to me as an adult. Impressing upon a child the seriousness of sex comes with explaining the purpose of sex: to make life. Knowing that whoever you have sex with, you have the potential to make a baby with that person. I think this should be an empowering knowledge, awe-inspiring even to think of human's power for creation in that way. But, just like Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. That comes from a place of inner strength rather than fear, teaching children to respect and honor the power that they have. Does that make sense?

It's important to remember that you can't get someone to do something. That's putting 100% of the responsibility on yourself. You can talk with her honestly about your thoughts and feelings, but the choice and decision will have to be hers. I would think of the child's needs first and foremost. Second hand smoke is dangerous, and young children are especially susceptible. You may want to set very clear boundaries with your mom to limit the exposure your child has to her life threatening habit, and be direct about why you are setting those limits. For example, does she smoke in her home? Don't go over there. If she comes to your house, then she can't smoke there. If she isn't willing to cease smoking for the time she is at your home, then she can't come over. If she wants to be around her grandchild then she won't smoke. If her smoking is more important to her, you will learn that quickly and be able to move on. It is ok to be inconvenient when the needs of your child are at stake. Be honest, set boundaries, and remember her choices are not within your control.

You may want to avoid using "always" statements. When you say, "You always put me down," you're giving them ammo because there is plausible deniability within that statement. No one always does anything. Were they putting you down when they woke up that morning and had coffee? When you take your language to the extreme it often breaks down the conversation. You could say, "I perceive that you always put me down," or you could cite a specific example, "I felt put down after you said _____ ." Feelings in RTR are evidence, and they are untouchable. No one can argue with your feelings because they just are; they are involuntary responses. Conclusions, on the other hand, you can argue with. Starting with a conclusion like "You always put me down" isn't an exploration. It may be totally accurate, but all you really know is how you feel. When they ask you why you feel a certain way, you can honestly say that you don't know for sure, but this thing happened right before. Clarify that you don't know if it was truly the thing that made you feel that way. Because there could be other things going on, maybe the thing reminded you of a childhood experience where you felt put down. The key is to explore it with curiosity and stay connected to your feelings. If you start to feel overwhelmed, tell them and disengage. Does that make sense? I'm not an expert or anything. The first time I tried RTRing with my mom I froze up. She did the same thing, she asked me why I felt anxious, and I didn't know what to say. In her case, she wasn't asking out of curiosity. She asked in order to pick apart and tear down whatever I had to say. I told her I didn't feel close to her, and she scoffed and dismissed this immediately. I didn't stand up for myself and call her on the invalidation. She started on "story time" about how inconvenient I was being. It's tough when someone is getting defensive and starting to move quickly to stay connected to how you are feeling. A little later in the conversation she screamed at me and called me names. It was painful, but it gave me some resolution. Of course I was afraid to tell her how I felt, she attacked me for my feelings. It's very difficult to RTR with someone who isn't RTRing back. You're under no obligation to even try with these kinds of people, but if you are uncertain, like I was, and make the attempt, you learn very quickly if they are open to it or not. Good luck.

Hey! I know I'm about a year late finding this thread, but I'd love to join in on a Skype chat with other FDR women. I'm curious how the call last year went. Was it just a one time thing? Would anyone like to take part in a reprisal of the ladies only Skype call during the first week of January? Might be a fun way to start the new year making new friends.

That sounds likely seeing as there was all that sexual tension between Rey and Kylo. If they are not brother and sister, I suspect they find out they are cousins at the very least. Don't even get me started on the creepy unresolved covert incest issues between Luke and Leia...

I was so frustrated during the Force Awakens seeing the portrayal of the relationship between Kylo Ren and his parents. Han and Leia are presented as grieving parents who have been burdened by having a son who went to the dark side, but nothing is said about their role in driving him there. Han and Leia spend a lot of time standing around looking into each other’s eyes, but don’t say very much about what actually happened. Leia does tell Han that she believes she “lost” Ben when she sent him away to Jedi training with Luke. We don’t know exactly how old Ben was when the was “sent away,” but seeing as Anakin was dubbed too old to train at the ripe old age of 9 we can imagine Ben was pretty young. This is akin to a child being sent off to military school, which likely broke the bond with his parents, if there was ever even a bond to begin with. Sending a child away at a young age is abandonment. If he didn’t want to go, Leia forcing him to go would have violated his consent, which would have been extremely traumatic for Ben. And if he did want to go, then he already had a bad relationship with his parents and the trauma had already occurred. When you look at the family history, Ben turning to the dark side isn’t surprising at all. His father, Han Solo, is a temporarily reformed bad boy, a strong alpha male, who bails on the family the moment things get difficult, as is revealed by the fact that Han and Leia have been separated for a long time before the film. Han later discloses that he went back to smuggling (“what he was good at”) and divorced Leia when Ben went to the dark side. Ben’s mother, Leia, and his uncle, Luke (who would have most likely become a surrogate father to Ben once Ben started training), were both unwanted and abandoned as children. Leia has never shown even an inkling that she has come to terms with the fact that her father was Darth Vader, a man who committed genocide against her home planet in A New Hope. There is so much unprocessed childhood trauma happening with nearly every character in these films that is generational, starting with Anakin’s single mother, Shmi. In the climactic scene of the Force Awakens with Kylo Ren and Han Solo, I sympathize greatly with Kylo Ren. For one thing, Han was there to blow up the arsenal, he was setting the bombs up right before talking to Ben, and by doing so he would have very likely killed Ben also. Ben was responding to a literal life or death situation, Han came to kill Ben and Ben killed Han instead. There is also a ton in the language Han uses that reveals a lot about his parenting. Here’s a recap of the scene with my thoughts in italics: Han Solo: Ben! [Conversation starts off with Han disregarding his son’s preferences. Ben has made it known that he wishes to go by his new name, Kylo Ren.] Kylo Ren: Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time. [since the childhood abandonment? Was the last time he saw his father before Jedi training?] Han Solo: Take off that mask. You don't need it. [The second thing Han says to his son is an order. He doesn’t ask if Ben would take off his mask, he simply tells him to. This says a lot about the slave/master mentality that Ben would have likely experienced in childhood that would have naturally led Ben to being a slave to someone else, like Snoke, in adulthood.] Kylo Ren: What do you think you'll see if I do? [Asking questions about his father’s expectations and showing curiosity.] Han Solo: The face of my son. [Notice the way Han is only talking about his own experience. He is not showing any concern for what might be going on for Ben. “The face of MY son.”] Kylo Ren: Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him. Han Solo: That's what Snoke wants you to believe, but it's not true. My son is alive. [invalidating Ben’s experience.] Kylo Ren: No. The Supreme Leader is wise. Han Solo: Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you. You know it's true. [Making claims, but offering evidence. Almost like he believes Ben should take his word for it simply “Because I said so.”] Kylo Ren: It's too late. Han Solo: No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you. [Giving more orders. “Leave here” and “come home” are demands, not requests. And “we miss you” is Han continuing to care about his own feelings more than Ben’s. Does Ben miss them? How is Ben doing with this whole dark side thing? Is he in pain? Why should Ben care about how his absence has affected Han and Leia? Han doesn’t care, and that is the environment that Ben grew up in. In this relationship, Han’s feelings are the only ones that matter.] Kylo Ren: I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me? [Here Ben expresses how he is feeling in real time, and then makes a request of Han rather than ordering him to do things, which shows good boundaries, in my opinion.] Han Solo: Yes. Anything. [This response shows that Han doesn’t have good boundaries. He’s willing to agree to “anything” without asking any questions or getting any more information.] Then Ben stabs his father; everyone in the theater gasps, and Han falls very dramatically to his death. The fact that Ben kills his father isn’t surprising. Han is a part of the Resistance, and he was there to destroy something Ben has worked hard on. Granted the project Ben is working on is a giant Death Star designed to commit massive genocide, but Han is still there essentially to kill Ben. And Han feels the need to walk up to Ben and be a dick before blowing up the new Death Star thing that is super important to Ben. I sympathize with Ben, and I hate the way the movie presents Han and Leia as innocent victims. They were not victims of a child who was inherently bad. They created the environment, abused Ben, abandoned him, and drove him to the dark side.

Yes! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. A few days ago, I was talking with a friend of mine about what I'm doing in therapy, and she a made comment about, "Getting back to who I am." I thought about it and corrected her because what I'm doing in therapy is generative in nature. I feel like I'm creating a sense of self from scratch because it’s not something I’ve ever had before. As you mention, the internalized abuse has colored my thinking my entire life. It’s very helpful to hear fresh thoughts on this, as it’s been on my mind this week. Thank you!

According to The Secrets of Happy Families just going over the day with your kids, either at the dinner table or as you tuck them into bed, has huge benefits. Doing a quick review and asking, "What did we do today?" can improve memory and foster a sense of self. And according to research on attachment styles one of the markers of security in children and young adults is the ability to talk about their relationship with their parents coherently. (I found that information in Attached.) I think having practice comfortably talking about day to day activities would improve a child's security as well. That's one of the big things that is accomplished in therapy, the ability to confidently discuss personal issues and know how you feel about them. Not exactly a game, but games like rose and torn or high/low could facilitate that kind of bonding. I love that you play poker with your kids! Poker requires a lot of skills like how to read people, making quick decisions, being cool under pressure, and even how to be charismatic. Very useful qualities to have in the job market. Plus there's the math too.

I support people talking honestly and frankly about all topics, and I think if women wish to discuss their choice after they've had an abortion they should be able to in an open way, but this hashtag makes me absolutely sick. Just because people shouldn't be attacked or lynched for their choice to do something immoral, they shouldn't be proud of it either. There is a reason it is taboo and stigmatized. Even when there are good reasons for an abortion, like when rape or incest have occurred, or discovering the fetus has a chromosomal disorder or something, the situation is never good. The morning after pill is readily available now, which prevents implantation. (I don't believe that personhood can begin before implantation and conception have actually occurred.) If someone is unwantedly pregnant, that is not something that has happened to them in the heat of the moment. It is a situation that they have consciously and recklessly put themselves in. Attempts to normalize abortion is yet another example of feminists trying to give women a free pass to make terrible decisions. The legality of it is less important to me because the government can go fly a kite, but people need to take personal responsibility for their actions and deal with the consequences of a rightly stigmatized issue. I thought this was a good video on the morality of abortion:

Nice video. Thanks for sharing. It was interesting to hear about your experience with Tinder. I'm confused about something though. This woman asked you what your hobbies were after you had just mentioned you enjoy reading, exercising, and gardening. Is that right? That seems a bit dismissive and disconnected of her, like she wasn't actually listening to what you were saying. Either that or she has a more specific definition of hobbies that I'm unaware of. Maybe your response felt boring to you, not because of the subject matter, but because you were repeating yourself. You had just told her your hobbies, and then she asked you what your hobbies were. Does that resonate at all with your experience in the conversation? I'm curious why you didn't ask her the initial question that came to your mind, "What do you mean by hobbies?" Were the messages exchanged more like emails or was it an instant message type thing?

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I've been thinking about your comments on the birth control issue, and you're absolutely right. It was really confusing as a kid and also as a young woman. Thanks for pointing this out. I've been thinking about the messages I received from my parents about sex and relationships when I was young, and it was all really vague and mystifying. When I was in high school, literally the only thing my mother told me about sex was not to get an abortion. She said this to my sister and me while we were watching TV, but she didn't use the word abortion. I believe her exact words were, "If anything were to ever... happen. We want the baby!" She pretty much sprinted out of the room after saying it. She became a little more open when I got older, if I asked her very specific questions. Like when I was in college I actually asked my mom what kind of birth control she was using when my little brother was conceived. She stated that they were going by her cycle and avoiding the days she was most fertile. Though a couple years later she said they were using the "withdrawal" method, so it seems their birth control was dubious at best. I'm assuming the "trickery" my dad was referring to was some sort of assurance that she wasn't ovulating at a moment when he was dumb and horny. These people are both doctors who should be aware of how biology works. Weird. Crickets and spiders don't bother me, but cockroaches are another story...

It's interesting... When I first read your statement here I thought it was accusatory. I thought you were saying, "What are you doing not living up to your standards when you are in therapy and journaling?" Like you were saying, "How dare you! You should know better!" As I look at your question again, I don't think that was your connotation, but my reaction to it was a good example of how I am not living up to my personal standards. I was projecting my own shame and negativity on a curious and neutral inquiry. Does that make sense? Thanks for the question. It's something I definitely want to think more about and get a clearer picture of so I can get a better sense of my goals and where I want to be.

The similarities in our nightmares are fascinating... Thank you for sharing. There is nothing human or soft about grasshoppers and crickets; they're so different it's almost alien. Not really sure what it means, but it's interesting for a household of neglect. I'm very sorry to hear your caretakers were so uncaring and neglectful. You're mom went back to work six months after you were born? That is so awful for a child's attachment. Was your mother's miscarriage before you born?