ShaneInTX

The typical thing is speaking in terms of the universe, this is just the way things are type of view. He is king of the deflection, king of the rant to divert attention. That is the way he knows best to deal with problems. Remove attention and think / do something different. After that, if one persists, he blows up with verbal aggression followed by intellectual or emotional abandonment.

Ding Ding Ding! Johnny, tell 'em what they've won! He's either always right, or "that's just the way the universe works." In other words, he's always right. AbsoLUTELY no accountability for his own actions and their effect on others. Ever. It's YOUR problem that you feel that way not MY problem.. which is exactly what he said. Check it out, and I quote: "Sorry that it's come to this, but it just has, To my knowledge you haven't done the one thing I think might help you the most is go through an anger management class. Yes, I'm guilty to some degree of some of the things you accuse me of, but am nowhere near the villain you portray me to be. I thinkYOU have a problem, son, and I think YOU need to look into it." That was AFTER he said that he was going to wait on me with a loaded 357. Reee. Dic. U. Lous.

dsayers, on 02 Jun 2016 - 11:02 AM, said: I do wish you well in your self-knowledge journey efforts. You don't want the trauma of your past damaging your happiness in the future. I lost my life partner because she was re-creating the trauma of her past and literally could not allow herself to be happy. And I wasn't completely free from the abuse of my history. And as tragedy would have it, I was "cured" the very moment she decided to throw me away. Yeah, it's a horrible thing to realize your father may have never really loved you to begin with. I appreciate the empathy, it's one reason why I love coming to the board and learning from you guys. Why did your mother die? Official cause of death was congestive heart failure. She just went to sleep and never woke up, at 37. I really have no recollection of my childhood before 5 years old, except being outside in the flower beds with my mother as she dug around in the dirt I do not recall what their relationship was like, but I know alcohol was involved on a semi consistent basis. As far as their relationship, I have been told that she was different than any other woman my father ever dated, because she was not outgoing or charming, but more down to earth. The truth is she was an appeaser. He mentioned much later on that he would have killed himself if I was not around to take care of.. and I use "care" loosely. I found a letter a year ago that he actually wrote about drinking himself to death as a conscious decision, and going away slowly.. that was written when I was 8 to 10 years old. My method of approach was not aggressive in the least, it was an explanation of what my reality was like, why I was interested in these particular experiences, and that I wanted to not make those same mistakes in the future.. basically.. I'm not under his roof at all, and have been out of the house since I moved away for college. I am married, and live a considerable distance away. I'm 34. Gosh, I'm so sorry that you had to split with someone you grew to love. I hope by "lost" you do not mean she experienced harm, but just that you had to go your separate ways. But in one respect, what happened was the most healthy thing that could have happened for you both. Thank you so much for the reply. Yeah, you're totally right. I used the word "feigned," but faking it would only work if he had struck me hard enough to ensure I had those memories. It's sadistic. Period. Dis. Gust. Ing. Thank you for pointing that out.

Okay, so everybody sit indian style around their laptops and get ready for story time.. Recently, I have approached my father about my childhood. The basic rundown looks like this: abusive single parent alcoholic (mom died when I was 5), verbal / physical / emotional abuse. ACE score of 9. Basically, everything but the fondling / sexual bit. After I asked some pointed questions about my relationship and my reality with him as a child, showed him my ACE test, and persisted beyond the point of which he wanted to speak about it, he has said he is going to cut me out of the will, and then recently he said that he was going to sleep with a loaded firearm by his bedside and lock all windows/doors because he was afraid I would try to take his life. And also get his roommate to do the same. And he thinks *I* have a problem and *I* need to go take anger management classes. All for approaching him about 3 basic issues. 1.) Why he chose alcohol over me, and got piss drunk every night from the time I was 5 when my mother died to when I was 16 or 17. The alcohol abuse continued after a brief hiatus. I wondered if he ever even bothered to look at what that might do to my development on a basic level, emotional suppression / retardation, an overall lack of bond, etc. 2.) He brought a second abuser into my life in a girlfriend, who he eventually married after I left home for college, who beat on him to the point of leaving bruises, and threatened his life with a knife on more than one occasion. I posed the question of why he stayed with her, when he knew she was violent, and could have done that to me as well. It put my well being knowingly at risk. 3.) Why he taught me to lie, to self erase, and left me feeling isolated and powerless in the relationship. He was always "going to do what he was going to do," and I might as well "choose to feel differently." The house had to stay "calm, cool, and copecetic," because he couldn't handle conflict... unless, of course, I disagreed and I didn't say/think/do what he wanted. When my preferences or thoughts/feelings/emotions were contrary to his, and I persisted, I risked the explosive rage (hit with a belt and his hand, he feigned violence with a raised hand very frequently) that was his temper, or the frigidity of complete intellectuall/emotional abandonment. It's only after finding FDR and really working on my relationships that I finally was able to escape such a horrible voodoo spell. Anyway, if anybody in the community has any thoughts/ideas/questions about my current situation with the FOO, I'd appreciate looking into it more from a self-knowledge perspective.. or even if you can suggest any resources to read about family systems, or how to understand what went on better.. Thanks!

As far as using the phrase my tendency to monopolize guilt, being an only child of an alcoholic abuser father in a single parent home is the tendency I was referring to. You're absolutely right when it comes to my phrasing. It's key to understanding the root of the problem, to keep it from happening again. Maybe it wasn't my fault whatsoever. Maybe a few girls got it in their heads to stir up trouble, and knew the buttons to push and the system would take their side. I appreciate the insight there. No. Never alone with her. Keeping in mind that not once have the identities ever been verified, nor dates, times, or places. They're minors, so unless my case goes to trial somewhere, they will never be revealed. I've got a pretty good idea who it was, though.

No therapy yet. I'm considering it seriously, though. I know my propensity to monopolize guilt, due to my past as a child growing up with an abusive single parent alcoholic. From that respect, it's always all my fault in default. It's only after coming across philosophy and FDR that I finally came to the conclusion I must place responsibility where it belongs and shake free the chains of past trauma. Thank you so much for the reply, that's very astute. Misconduct with students; sexual touching of minor outside clothing. Carried a 2 to 20 year prison sentence, and lifetime sex registration. The local PD investigated, and no charges could be filed. I coach a sport that requires me to be in close proximity to athletes. Weightlifting. We use equipment that is restrictive, uncomfortable, and frankly pretty serious. Anyway, case was closed with no action by police. Now I'm dealing with the State education agency to get around to investigating. I've been on suspension basically this entire semester. As far as tendencies are concerned, I'm just looking at it from a self knowledge perspective to try and find out if I missed signs / signals this was coming, or brought it somehow upon myself. It's kind of like when Stef talks about parents being responsible for the bullying of their children, because A: the kids didn't realize these people were aggressive, B: the parents didn't move when they knew it was going on, or C: the parents didn't see the signals that the kid wasn't quite right. I just wonder if I could have avoided it, and there is something subconscious that led me down this path.

Hey Guys, I'm having issues with overcoming a feeling of helplessness in my current situation. I have been in my career as a teacher and coach for 10 years, and recently got placed on paid leave and was then forced to resign because of false allegations. My reputation has taken a significant hit, and the future of my earning capability is at risk because of this ordeal. My relationship with my wife of a year has been challenged by it as well. I have been searching for signs within myself as to whether there are any characteristics or tendencies I have that left me in danger of this happening again. Any ideas you have would greatly be appreciated.