brucethecollie

Something that I think possibly helps is focusing on a skill or challenge that will provide you confidence. When you overcome a challenge or master a skill (or are on your way to mastering a skill) you can't help but feel a calming settling confidence that can help you in your interactions with other people. Even if it is just a hobby, I think it could help. It is something that has helped me greatly. I have a lot of social anxiety. Recently I took on a challenge that has given me a lot of hard work and good stress. I feel 10 times more confident in just one year of taking on this very demanding challenge for myself and I find it is easier to interact with others because I have this solidity anchoring me from within. That and working on being virtuous (which is also very confidence building).

Gloria, I agree with the criticism you've received of this line: "Does it concern you Stefan?" I blew past that to discuss your personal thoughts on your own habit as well as your question about why people bite their nails.

From what I've read and from what my therapist told me, it usually comes from anxiety in childhood. Most nail biters pick it up in childhood, not in adulthood, after all. I think it is unbecoming on anyone. I have bitten my nails since I was 6--when I started school and felt a great deal of social anxiety and anxiety at having to be somewhere I didn't want to be all day as well as away from my parents. The first time I did it however was because a friend did and I copied her. My therapist said I'm "highly sensitive" which means I was predisposed to this kind of anxiety. I have found it interesting that when I quit biting my nails, I pick up another nervous habit to take it's place and act out some OCD, meaning I haven't dealt with the root cause. I can't afford more therapy now but I think i've noticed that most of my anxiety has to do with not doing what I know I should be doing. But not eating well or not exercising enough will make matters worse. Hormone fluctuations during the month (pms) is the only time during which I bite my nails nowadays (3-4 days each month) but if I manage not to I find that I become a bit of a cleaning freak. Anyway, I haven't noticed if Stefan does or not but I will say that his cuticles and fingers look pretty good which is a sign he doesn't do it to an alarming degree (like every day). And without a stable childhood I'd say it is a common thing to see in others. A little nail biting when stressed or busy or worried about something is something I see all over the place unfortunately. Gloria do you know why you are a nail biter?

Many ruined lives would give anything to go back in time and have someone, anyone, harshly or not, warn them about what they were about to do to themselves...

I am unschooling my two kids in Virginia where almost everyone with kids seems to attend some church. It's hard. We are in a local homeschooling group that we have only one leg in because of the major religious aspect. That said, I just look for those who aren't interested in converting us and is willing not to talk about it all the time. One of the problems for me is I don't enjoy being around them much. And my kids don't like keeping their opinions on the matter quiet. They would like to ask them, "If you can't prove God exists, then why do you believe?" I haven't told them they can't ask but they know it would likely bring about some unpleasant reactions to them so they just avoid it--but I can tell they wish it wasn't like that.

I graduated from public school with many people who can't write well but my three homeschooled siblings write at a college level so it must vary depending on a multitude of factors (I don't know about the statistics on this though). It isn't easy finding peers for the kids to have but we try. We hang out with homeschooled kids and public schooled cousins who are around the same age. I struggle finding a perfectly ideal situation, that's for sure.

That is a legitimate concern. I unschool my 2 kids who are now 7 and I find it very interesting to note how very sociable one is (soooo friendly and expressive!) The other is more introverted and takes time getting to know people and speak comfortably with them. But even he says hi to strangers for the heck of it. I went to public school and didn't speak much for about 5 years due to crippling shyness. I don't think school is what teaches socialization so much as quality interaction with others in daily life. I take my kids somewhere each day and we interact with others. At home, we socialize all the time with each other. I am in the process of helping my son who is sometimes uncomfortable socializing. I've met plenty of sociable and slightly anxious type kids who are homeschooled or unschooled. Same in public or private schools. I think the key is to identify what a child needs support with and then finding ways to help them gently overcome. I was thrown to the wolves and it didn't do anything but make me more nervous and stressed. I'm still trying to recover. It helps that I don't want my kids to be like me so I push myself to appear sociable and it serves as practice for me and an example for them. It takes work to find activities for each day. The idea of just sending my kids off to school each day sounds so easy in regards to what I have to figure out. I speak with parents whose concern is that they don't want to do that work of finding things to do for the kids. I get it. It isn't easy.

Deep down, humans don't appreciate coercion. We love to learn but not when someone snaps their fingers. Have you ever been interested in learning something years after you were not interested or when it was presented in a different way? At school when I wanted to keep learning about something we had to move on and when this happened over and over again I eventually felt like "eh, i'm checking out..." As an adult I've enjoyed learning about anything I want to learn about, on my own schedule and in the way I want to learn. So once again, learning is fun.

I live in the US and people say that all the time.

A well written note would be awesome AFTER you've started dating someone. Just as a way of explaining some things in a way that she could re-read and enjoy when you aren't around. If you are one to be good with words, use your gift! But just after you already have shown the confidence involved in approaching her face to face and asking her out and seeing her a few times.

My best friend growing up was black. She got a strange look from someone and it was automatically because they were "racist". And that was at age 11. She was also extremely religious. She somehow had the notion that to praise Jesus she needed to get the best grades in school that she could so she'd study every night until 2-3am, causing her to develop health problems by age 18. She thought it was holy and and good that her parents smacked her if she disrespected them. She smacked my hand if I cursed. She was so pitiful that even though we were very close, I pushed her friendship away by age 16. It was just too sad an influence to have so close to me and I wasn't able to convince her of anything. She wouldn't listen. I had a very similar experience with another black friend who was raised Jehovas Witness. She stopped being friends with me after I said I didn't want to go to church with her. She too was pitiful. She complained of racists but she also complained of her dark skin all the time. She believed her parents could do no wrong. I knew both of these girls from a young age when they were not yet victims. They were wonderful and so fun to be around. Their family and culture ruined that. I still miss what I knew of them when we first met.

I agree with dsayers. Where you said, "For example, if someone steals one of your belongings it is best to emotionally react, rather than process at length what happened: Who stole it? What was their life like? What motives could they have had? What should I do? Will I got it back? On the other hand, if there are a spate of thefts going on, then this is the time to ask the aforementioned questions, rather than fizzling around with emotion." Similar to this example, let's say someone robs your wallet. Your anger provides the adrenaline boost for energy and fearlessness while your rationality can instantaneously inform you as to your best reaction by quickly processing all the factors available. Many in this scenario choose to let someone run off with their wallet for their personal safety. Many others safely fight back and win. These reactions are often not mindless yet, there are strong emotions serving as the wings. In a slower example, more like the one you described, anger/hurt again provide the motivation to seek answers to the questions the rational mind will have. Using both these gifts, you would be fueled to seek justice. Your hurt and anger would serve to remind you that someone stealing from you isn't a small thing but is instead an injustice. Coupled with gathering your information you then ultimately figure out the best way to proceed.

I try to only have female friends who don't say such things nowadays but yes, only from women, in fact. In high school and in college, when I was around others but not necessarily friends with them, it was common for women to say those things. They would mostly say it gently but it still implied that make up should be used. My mother has asked when looking at my photo "why didn't you put on make up?" while my dad never did that. My sisters have complimented my looks only regarding my make up technique or outfit while my brothers have just complimented my looks, period. My cowardice about not wearing make up is about my fear of criticism from females (silly, I know). No male has ever given me any comment about make up except encouraging me not to use it or worry about it. I wonder if partly it has to do with females knowing the effort that goes into it, I don't know.

I don't know, but just from my interactions with women and the comments I've heard about how they are told by friends and family that when they don't have it on they "look unwell" or "tired" or "need to perk up their face" or they hear "why don't you make some effort by putting on some make up?". It is absolutely a self-knowledge issue, which is why I admit that for me, it comes down to self-esteem issues as well as a lack of courage. I wear make up less much less often than I used to and I also feel pretty good without make up whereas I used to feel more embarrassed and uncomfortable. I get comfort in knowing that other women may get some courage from my show of courage, too. For too long, too many of us do surround ourselves with people not worthy of our time and in the meantime I believe this contributes to women's perceived need for putting on make up. I've heard many women say they don't like wearing make up but feel they have to so they aren't even enjoying putting it on and wearing it. I've always enjoyed putting it on and wearing it but as I have become older, my additional reasons for doing it have become reasons I'm not proud of. Whereas when I was 5, I just thought it was cool to change my look and I didn't feel any pressure for putting it on (my mom rarely wore make up and I heard my dad always saying he loved her that way).

My daughter asks, "why do you put on chemicals all over your face?" I'm trying to figure out how to answer her because the truth has to do with my self-esteem issues. Because my husband doesn't treat me any different when I don't wear makeup (which is half the time). I suppose I do like the creative aspect, it feels soothing like painting a picture. But it also feels like a protective mask to deflect the perceived thoughts and the real comments from others. Women who don't wear makeup often get a lot of criticism from people close to her. But, what I think makes a lot of sense to me is something my brother told me: "Men just want women to be women and to try and be healthy and fit, no makeup can replace that." As my health suffers over time and this is coupled with aging, I find it harder to let go of the make up brush. I feel that way and I'm not hideous or old or in poor health. So I wonder how many women out there are in a kind of defense mode with makeup. Anyway, I've been wearing makeup much more infrequently as of late and my son said the other day, "I love your face, mommy, especially when it looks happy". And then I could remember all the beautiful women I've seen who regardless of wearing or not wearing makeup, were beautiful because of who they were and how they treated others.