Abzo Dolba

I am sorry this is too vague for me, would you mind detailing a little bit? Makes sense, but is this ignoring the fact that people have genetic predispositions towards a certain personality or temperament? I do not find it hard to imagine that people that have the same abuse can have totally different outcomes. I agree with the point you are making. However, what I meant by "deficiencies" here was intrinsic deficiencies, like I was intrinsically "inferior" to them regardless of what has been inflicted upon me.

Looking back in my childhood and teenage years I realize that I seemed to be very different from most of my peers in regards with anything social especially. Every since I can remember most of my peers and classmates had a much easier and enjoyable time making friends, having a good time interacting with each other, being more confident and not fearing getting in conflicts with one another. They were more combative in dealing with their peer, more charismatic, louder, more assertive, much more socially savvy etc... When it came to studying there were a lot that were more determined, had an easier time learning the material in class, more motivated - generally they had clearer visions about what they wanted to do in the future and took better grades. The greatest disparity and the one that made me feel the worst is the dynamic of the interactions between them...they seemed to talk a language that was really foreign to me, I was an outcast. Most of them ignored me all throughout the school years, I think because they did not see any value in interacting with me. They started going on holidays by themselves with their friends, going clubbing, having boyfriends/girlfriends and all the typical things for teenagers. I was bullied a lot and did not go through any of the teenage stereotypes. My teenage years were mostly spent sitting by myself in my room. I not a long time ago realized that there was always deep lingering sentiment of inferiority that I had. I was very deeply ashamed of myself that most of my peers had such an easier time compared to me, at least when they were outside the house. However, listening to most of the call in shows with people that had a similar past with mine Stefan would make the point that they had a worse childhood than their peers and that their peers did not have empathy nor sympathy for them. I found that calls very powerful and got me very emotional because how much they resonated to how I felt and Stefan's words sounded almost too good to be true. I think that unconscionably my mind was going...:"wow! so do you mean to tell me that all of this was not because of deficiencies on my part but because I had a worse childhood than them? This feels so relieving" My doubt comes from the fact that I actually do not know what happened in their childhoods, I do not know what exactly they got that I did not, or what abuse I did go through that they did not...and I came to wonder how bad my childhood was compared to theirs if it was indeed worse at all. Do you have any idea how can I find this out? What about your childhoods? How much worse or better were they compared to most of your peers?

If you were 80, would you still care that you wasted your life? (if you did) Sure, at 40 of course you still have a lot of incentives to better your life because you still have 30-40 years ahead of you. 80 was a relative thing, I chose it because it is when most people are not expected to live more than 1 year or so after this. Instead of 80 I should have said on the deathbed, couple of hours before you die. You are littlerally hours away from not being aware that you have ever existed. What difference would it make that you led a good life or a bad life in those moments? You might have some painful regrets compared to maybe feeling that you achieved something but after that...it it not all the same?

I have been looking for a more complex journaling phone app (Android user). I have found a couple of pretty good ones that allow for a decent functionality, flexibility and organizability such as Evernote. The problem is all the good complex apps I found are online based and the data is stored on external servers not to mention that cloud storing system is not that safe from attacks. Since I intend keeping the most private information one can have in there I am not comfortable with having my data stored somewhere online, I want a completely local data storage. However, all the offline apps I found lack all the complex features I need and after a while of using them they get pretty messy due to the lack of sorting, organizing, taging options. What I care most about is at least having the option to tag the files and the possibility to create multiple folders. What do you use? What would you recommend. Thank you.

In all likelihood you still have as many years to live from now on as you had till now. How would you reply to this thread if today you were 80?

One of Stefan's latest videos "An Important Message About Gord Downie of Tragically Hip" summons a point he made numerous times before. The one I am talking about is the "nameless aunt" that he refers in the video. He then advises us "do not be that aunt". This brings me to his advice on how to avoid a life unlived...or how to find passion and motivation in life...his exercise in imagination for this is to imagine yourself on the deathbed and think about your life in retrospective and all of the things that you could have regretted not doing. I have also heard Mike, on several occasion bring this "what would you like to be written on your tombstone" as his primary tool for taking the hard, anxiety provoking steps towards getting out of his former way of life. I resonate with this feeling at some level but to me...there is something incomplete about it. Someone couple of hours, minutes or seconds away from death is kind of the same regardless of how he lived his life, that is...someone moments away from nonexistence. Sure, that man could either be a horrendous person, someone who had a passive and avoidant life or a man that left a legacy behind, it makes a huge difference for those behind him but from his perspective in that very last moments...he could have been anyone else, how could it longer matter now anyways? I am trying to empathize with someone who on that death bed has lots of regrets and unfulfilled wishes...why would it matter to him now? I have always imagined death as not only passing into nonexistence...rather passing into not ever existence since from a death's person perspective it would have been no difference for him whether he ever existed or not. I do not really know why I made this thread...I just felt like sharing this with you.

I am good thank you.

The thing is there are forums 5 times as big as this one dedicated to this problem and I read hundreds of threads in which guys complain about this problem...they say that their erections were softer and softer until they couldn't achieve one at all, but they didnt have this problem with porn only with real parterres and they abstained for months and years and now everything is back to normal...so of course this makes me think this might be something to this...also most of the rebooters are agnostics and atheists so we cannot accuse them of religious agendas. By the way...I talked to a guy who said that he got his blood tested and his testosterone level was almost 1300 and his doctor accused him of steroids but in fact he said that all he did is not ejaculate for 2 months. So I am thinking if there are no positives in all of this...

please watch any of the videos i posted above and tell me what you think...the problem that i am trying to solve is PIED as i talked in my opening post.

There are multiple reason for which this is not a good idea at the moment. What I need at the moment is someone to talk to whom I can talk about my problems. Will you be willing to give me your email? If you are not opposed to the idea, don't worry you don't need to spend to much time with replying to me, you can just ask question so they trigger my memory and to give me the motivation to respond to them. Journaling doesn't work at the moment, I am way too depressed.

What does this have to do with PIED? I feel utter despair...so many comments and no one even bothered to watch at least a couple of minutes of that videos or address the main issue that I described in the opening post...like...what should I do to make people respond to my actual concerns?

It has been 3 days since I have been in a debilitating mental state and I don't know if I can pull myself out of it by myself. The depression is strong this time...even the most trivial task seems too much work. I feel complete emotional numbness and I cannot access my memory by myself through journaling. I need someone to engage me, I don't know how much I will be able to function if I don't do something about this. Thanks in advance.

What above the claims made in the video above dsayers? Are they sound?

Have you watched any of the videos I posted above? I don't understand you saying that blaming porn for ED is missing the point...I mean the research on this topic is limited but you give me the impression that you don't even acknowledge that there have been proposed theories and explanations for how porn is affecting the brain and leads to sexual dysfunction... Watch this video please and tell me what you think.

Thank you for your comment! I will make a more in-depth reply when I have time, however you did not address at all the problem that I talked about in my OP...that is the cognitive dissonance between the amounts of anger that I have and them not being sadists.

I probably knew about this site long before you did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PLAQri18RcEpTV1WBNaCIevt1Bb40GwN-w&v=GXtEcQGLWW8 http://yourbrainonporn.com/ These are some of the sources that made me really question my porn usage and the possible damage it caused me.

In fact I never analyzed the meaning of this word...the only reason I use it is due to the fact that it is part of the standard NoFap terminology, the only thing it means to me is "went back". I don't assign any moral or emotional value to it. Also, I am not a native speaker so I don't have a deep grasp of every word. The reason I am willing to do it is because it is believed to slow down the "reboot" process because rebooters claim that by masturbating and then ejaculating my brain will use the same neurological pathway that has been conditioned to porn so this will affect my recovery. Guilt is not the only one I mentioned by I will go with this one then... When I was 14-15 and a Christian a priest was shocked to hear that I masturbated to porn and was very "concerned" and he have me prayers and a lot of shit to do because this apparently is one of the greatest sins. I was very scared at that time and I tried quitting porn and M, didn't succeed and I would feel guilty and feared I will go to hell every time I did it. One year later I was an atheist and this fear and guilt vanished. How could I be anxious at my hand? As I said a few years ago I could get erections just from my hand and I cannot. Rebooters say that if you are healthy this shouldn't be a problem. Yeah sure...just wait until I hit my mid twenties and then say opps this shit is really broken... Come on man...a 19 old should not be having trouble having erections.

I have been masturbating to porn since 10-11. Even from the day I started I felt that this is something that I should not be doing and as the years went by I went through various degrees of guilt, tolerance, willingness to stop and reasons to make me stop. I have been aware of the "nofap challenge" for a long time but I didn't give it too much credibility at the time I first heard about it. However, as the years went by I started stumbling across more and more YouTube videos of guys who were speaking about their experience with porn and how much (they thought) it destroyed their lives and all the porn "side effects". They freaked me the fuck out I must admit...but the scariest of them all is something that they call PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction) which is characterized by the inability to achieve erection without porn. This means that you cannot have sex with real parterres. Not even pills like Viagra work when you have PIED. NoFap community tells us this is due to porn desensitization which means that your brain reward path circuit is messed up by years and years of abusing the dopamine in your brain. The "PIED test" is the following: you have to be able to get full erection and masturbate to orgasm just with your hand and without porn, fantasy or any other sexual stumualli other than your hand. I cannot do that! I remember a couple of years ago that I would just need to grab my penis and it will go erect in a matter of seconds but now no matter how much I try to get hard just by my hand I just cannot. The only way I can masturbate and orgasm is while watching porn. I don't think this is normal... When I started watching porn just looking at a picture of boobs would make me stone hard but now, in the last few years there were times in which I could not get erect even with hardcore porn. This made me incredibly scared and concerned. The thought of not ever being able to have sex (I am a virgin) freaked me the fuck out and I decided that I must quit porn. So did I...last month I had a streak of 27 days in which I did not look at porn, masturbated (and orgasmed) or pursued any kind of sexual stimulation...I relapsed a couple of days ago and I am back to porn for various reasons. What do you think? What is your experience with porn? Do you think NoFap/YourBrainOnPorn claims are legit/sound/reasonable? Is it unhealthy not to ejaculate for a long period of time?

I have been bullied pretty much my whole life. When I try to connect with my emotions towards the bullies I sometimes feel ravaging amounts of anger. I start having torturous and murderous fantasies with them...and I feel some kind of relief and a sense of justice. It feels good to think of them as sadists that are fully aware of the amount of suffering that they caused me...because in this way my murderous anger feels justified. However...if I were to be more reasonable I would have to stop seeing them as sadists and pretend that they were empathizing with me; because to be fair I don't believe that they were able to empathize with me because if they could they might have never bullied me in the first place. The problem is...this doesn't make them sadists...and if they are not sadists I feel despair and hopelessness because I don't feel that my anger is proportional to what they would really deserve. This makes me even more angry...but this is a different kind of anger...it is a kind of anger that is combined with hopelessness, despair and I also have a feeling of being eternally doomed to frustration because of this. Do you know what makes me even more angry? Trying to empathize with them...because I bet that as children they were abused and hurt a lot and when I am mentally trying to portray scenes of their childhood in which they were being abused...it kills me inside because that would mean that I have to sympathize with my bullies which is absolutely torturous.