nept551

Thanks for your comments, henderyjem. I have replied to specific parts of your response below. I would say that I am reacting to trauma in my past, dumping it on my current situation. I want to heal my childhood wounds so that I stop projecting the aggression of my parents etc. onto my loved ones. I tend to react differently to these things, and instances of genuine aggression, for example, I might feel despondent before I feel empowered, but if I do feel anger, it feels healthy and in control. When I am having the tantrums or expressions of anger that afterwards seemed irrational or aggressive, I feel like a different person. Here is an example: My friend often asks me for tech help of the quick 1min. type. I help him pretty much immediately. I ask him for some help which could take him about 5min. but I don’t communicate expectations clearly and it sounds like 15min. help. He says he’s busy. Next time I see him, I explode. I push him away. I tell him how mad I am at him when I help him so often. Later, I realize (as he has pointed out) that he didn’t say no, he just said he was busy then, and there was a big differential between what I was asking of him compared to what he has asked of me. At the time I had had an alcoholic drink. It probably lowered my inhibition. I jump to conclusions quickly. I’m angry at the person for not giving me the support I think I deserve. I don’t remember the physical sensations too well but I think heavy explosiveness in my chest, feeling disconnected. I was hurt, scared and disappointed. I felt angry that I couldn’t trust him. In a voluntary relationship, he is under no obligation to help me. A side note: he has probably helped me more than any of my friends, so all of this is especially irrational. And yet I think he should, that for some reason he owes me. Trust is a big issue for me. I often think people are trying to pull one over on me, that they can’t be trusted to pull their weight or reciprocate what I give them. I don’t always respond aggressively. I might be emotionally dishonest – instead of telling my feelings of insecurity or disappointment, I might be passive-aggressive or indirect. I also find it hard to hear feedback. I would like to welcome the feedback as a perspective that helps me grow. But instead I get disappointed that I am not perfect and hear it as a withdrawal of love. The people involved are usually intimate men, which indicates that this could be about my father. Their behavior is usually fine and blameless, just a lack of thorough understanding that could have been cleared up if I’d stayed calm. My father was emotionally distant when I was growing up, though he was very angry and yelled a lot. I got close to him in later life and he apologized. He died a few years ago, though I wasn’t very close to him then. He had an ACE score of 10. This seems to be more than just about me having an anger problem. I seem to have trouble managing my emotions, probably because expressing them was punished when I was young.

Thanks for your comments, D.D. I think I am angry at how my parents, siblings and society treated me. (Note how I say “I think I am angry...” because I still don’t feel entirely in touch with it.) I impose my past on present, sometimes unrelated situations, and get angry with past aggressors as I project them onto innocent people in my present. This resonates with what Alice Miller writes in The Drama Of The Gifted Child, and what Stef says in podcast #530 Anger Management. For me to do: express anger at people in my past using the evidence I glean from present triggers. And remember to realize how I am projecting my past onto my present. Thanks for your comments, Together-Whenever-Wherever. Yes, I do a lot of the first two options, and little of the third in the moment. That seems to be the way forward. Because I project such an enemy image onto people, even trusted friends, it is hard to relay how the angry part is feeling, even though my partner has asked to hear it. I’ve got to find a way to slow things down so I can stop reacting unconsciously and aggressively. I’m hoping that through conscious exploration and journaling, I’ll remind myself and build a muscle memory to do so. The enemy images and lack of trust are worth exploring because they seem rooted in childhood experiences. I see myself as the tantrum thrower in this blog post, 'Tantrums & Those Who Enable Them', by the Philosophical Therapist. I’m embarrassed and ashamed, and absolutely want to stop this behavior. I notice how I’ve treated people like this throughout my life and yes, I’ve been left with the enablers. Since embracing philosophy, letting go of a belief in god as an irrational superstition and realizing my mortality, I desperately want to make good choices so that I will surround myself with good people. I only have this one life. My partner is a good man. I want to be good enough for him. I’m also seeing how my daughter has been mimicking my behavior – rudeness, temper tantrums, negativity, apologizing and claiming she won’t do it again, rinse and repeat. I am an emotional woman. I say this not as an excuse, but to name my reality. But it’s more than just emotional. I have strong emotions and I never learned to manage them, to feel them, to accept them without thinking I had to justify them. I am angry at my parents, angry at my siblings, angry at society that reinforces this manipulative matriarchy. Thanks again for listening and responding. I'm going to ponder henderyjem's response and give examples of stimulating events later.

I need help. I have an anger problem. Most of the time I can control myself, but every now and then I feel like Hyde, like a different person. I have tried writing notes to myself. But when the emotions overtake me they're useless. Because I feel like a different person, accessing the rational part of my brain which could say, "Hey, stop!" or "Count to 10," or "Look up all the things you could do instead of exploding," seems impossible (in past experience). At those times, I haven't been able to be an objective observer and offer myself $1 million to control my temper. I grew up witnessing a lot of anger and yelling in my FOO. It's the default - of how I am "assertive" in the world. Of course that doesn't work. I have recently started seeing a therapist by Skype who suggested that in those moments I see how Little Me is hurt, and how Big Me steps in with anger to protect Little Me; and how I can choose to protect everyone rather than lashing out. I have hope that this might help, and I am doing this as an exercise multiple times a day to set a new pattern. My partner is losing patience and thinks he is enabling my behavior by not leaving me. I understand what he is going through. However I wish he'd cut me some more slack, see how I have improved, and give me some support instead of calling me an "asshole" and ostracizing me. I am absolutely committed to changing this behavior, but that's the rational part of me talking. The hurt Little Me and the Big Me who reacts by lashing out aren't present right now, so to speak. Suggestions would be appreciated.