Xenosmania

I have been on cylert, ritalin, risperidol, wellbutrin, lithium, and at least a couple dozen others I cannot remember the name for. From the moment I was eighteen I have had no contact with the state psychiatry system, and from fourteen on, I was non-complaint.

My younger two siblings were removed from my mother's house by a state agency. They placed them with me after a couple weeks of state custody. This has happened before, and if history is any indication, my mother will manage to get them back at some point. I have always had the option of letting them stay in state care, not exactly an option I am fond of. Their father cannot have them due to serving time, and my own father is deceased. My aunts have had it with my mothers branch of the family, and my uncle is a thousand miles away.

I have one child of my own, and my younger two siblings are in my care, technically temporary with regards to my siblings, I am hoping DCS doesn't make the same mistake it has in the past. I eat to have energy to work, I work to have the resources needed to raise my child. My self-interest is my family. However, I am curious. What self-interests would you consider beneficial?

By apparatuses, I mean whatever systems or infrastructure is necessary for my in-group to survive. My goal for myself is to firmly establish my skills and resources. I do not really belief in the individual being the smallest unit of measurement, and most of what I would do if I thought of myself would be unproductive and lazy. I tend to only make decisions on the context of what I am building for my family in the long run. What is your ethnic background? German mother, Russian father. Where were you raised? Arizona Have you had IQ tests? Yes, was requested for my IEP multiple years. Over 140 each time. How was your mother's pregnancy? Due a combination of anorexia and having been on drug trials for some medication that was supposed to cause early menopause, not great from what I have been told. Did she consume substances, alcohol, or had traumatic events during it? She has always been on opiate medication, thyroid medication, and alcohol. No one has ever given me the indication this stops just because she is pregnant. Were you breastfed as recommended? Were you hit or shaken as a baby? For less than a month, and more left to my own devices. One of my aunts tells a story about finding me in my bedroom covered in my own filth, eating the cardboard of a nilla wafer box when I was less than a year old. My mother not noticing that my aunt had me for a month.

I have been mulling questions of who I am, and what I should strive to be for my family, for my in-group, and for the apparatuses that allow the first two to exist. First for context, I will list s few life events and actions that I believe have shaped me the most. Not everything listed is positive. I will be brief on each point, and I am willing to elaborate on any point when asked. When I was three years old, I attacked a fellow child at a community center program. This resulted in the other child's death, and my entrance into the state psychiatric system. When I was eight years old, through a combination of learning scrapping from local meth addicts and being involved in certain illegal activities, I was able to start paying my mother's rent. Before this, we had been evicted at least once every six months. My mother gave birth to my half siblings when I was six, nine, and twelve years old respectively. A combination of others getting arrested and me choosing to move out at 15 and a change location meant I lost contact with most people I knew, and I have been earning my income through mostly legal means, child labor and tax laws notwithstanding, since. By 22 I was learning a trade and starting a family I would not say I have any guilt about the things I have done, I am unsure if my range of emotions is greater than in-group protection, jealousy, anger, and most base desires. I tend to define love in terms of choice and almost contract obligation, rather than on any emotional state derived from. What I care about, in order, is my family, my in-group, and then whatever sustains the first two. I have been a violent person for as long as I can remember, and control of that violence has been a vital skill to know to be able to maintain my freedom. How does a child get so violent and detached from normal human emotion, so early, and is genetic factors enough to raise concern on how I should raise my own children?