JohnnyBoy

I had a conversation with my father a few weeks ago. He stayed in contact with his ex wife's (my mother's) family for 10 years after their divorce, even introducing my brother and I to them and trying to bring our lives together. My grandfather was a registered sex offender before he died, who molested my mother since she was a child. His wife covered for him and never testified against him. My father likes her facebook posts and sends her Christmas cards. She would have allowed her husband to molest my brother and I as well. He would have handed us up on a silver platter if my mother hadn't been so forceful about not having either of us around him. I asked him why he did this and he tried to break down the difference between molestation and rape to me. He now lives with the woman he cheated on my mother with and that woman's son. My mother has been emotionally incestuous with me since childhood. She has had a string of abusive relationships since my father divorced her, which I have repetitively tried to help her with. I live in a home owned by my grandmother, my father's mother. This situation was ok until I started seeing things that were right in front of me, so I am now looking elsewhere. I am a convicted felon so it is hard to find apartments but I will, most likely in the ghetto. During the hardest times in my life my father watched and my mother whined, and I consoled. Now I'm faced with an ugly truth, the only people I have now, whom I thought cared deeply for me do not. My father would have watched me die and my mother is a child. I have a decent job that I am happy with now, but when I look at my paycheck I see myself being extorted. I have been on some type of probation from the age of 18 to the age of 25, being extorted over and over again by my government. What hurts the most is that not only has much of society cast me aside, but that I have never experienced real love in my entire life. Every person from my parents to girlfriends, I now see never loved me. Just a repeating cycle of abuse. I have sought out substance abuse counselors who put me in to archaic 12 step programs and told me to pray and forgive my problems away. I have sought out therapists who did nothing but take my money, I have even tried hypnotherapy, which, of course didn't end up successful, and lastly I have gone straight to my father and mother for answers which they seem incapable of acknowledging. I am 26 with an iq of 124. I drink every day because I am in a state of constant anger or sadness that no one would ever be able to tell by talking to me. After jail, psychiatric units, recklessness, abuse, and constant fear, I am starting to see things more clearly, which is the silver lining here. It's just all hard to swallow and coming all at once for some reason. I saw none of this one year ago. If someone could send me some resources (mentoring perhaps) I would love to keep trying but honestly it seems that wherever I turn I run into a brick wall, and I still don't know how to make sense of all of this. Thankyou to Stefan as well, your videos have really helped me soooo much over the years if only you knew. Thanks, John

Thanks guys. Accutron - i like what you said. I tend to be very judgemental of those closest to me, so just seeing my father as human and not something godlike is something I should do. Thanks everybody, I think I'll be able to make some great connections here. At least I hope I do. Algernon - You are absolutely correct. I am in a point of weakness to my dependence on my parents. So, I guess my immediate point of action should be figuring out how to do that. With a felony conviction it is a wee bit difficult to find work other than restaurants but there are many great men who have made mistakes. So again, thankyou all, I'm new here so I'm not sure if there is a way to personally message me on here but if there is, and anyone has advice on finding good mentors, and financial advice, or really any sort of good advice, I would very much appreciate it.

aviet64 - My mother comes from a history of sexual abuse. When I reached age 11 she began to regress to a childlike state, although she was always emotionally immature. This was around the age that she herself was abused. A good example of our dynamic: my mother asked me one day if I had a good childhood and asked this question while pouting. So she was prepping me for the answer she wanted. I placated her and told her yes. She them went on to tell me how God had endowed me as a child with the abilty to deal wth the symptoms of her ptsd and depression. That was a huge moment for me, as right then I realized that I was never truly a human being to her. This relsulted in me disowning her for 8 months and being angry constantly for the duration of this 8 months. It became so unbearable that I got back in contact with her just to stop the anger, as I was essentially self destructing and going somewhat crazy due to the intense emotion I felt daily. If you can imagine the last time you were really mad, that was how I felt on an almost constant basis and it was destroying me especially since I have never been an outwardly angry person .She has strong maternal instincts, ie: she would and has been there for me on the drop of a dime when I needed her, but she is totally incapable of taking responsibility for any mistakes she has made in her life. From the outside looking in I do not think this is a conscious choice, but a deeply ingrained coping mechanism. I honestly believe she is incapable of it, in the same way I believe my father is incapable of the sort of deep seeded fatherly instinct to guide and protect. They could fake these things but I believe it would be just that... an act. Algernon - Thankyou for the book recommendation I will follow up with that. I still do demonize my mother, but I have chosen as of now to try not to think about her mistakes as it sends me into a spiral. The girl I mentioned got an abortion. That is what I meant by "get rid" of the baby. My father is supportive of me financially and emotionally. By emotionally I mean, if I was ever to be sent to prison he would write me and visit me whenever he could but he would not step in beforehand to keep his son from taking obvious steps in that direction. When I was trying to get sober a while back, we had a girl who had been boarding in this house for a few months and was also dealing drugs. He owned the house we were all living in and I told him about this issue. He made excuses for the girl who was taking advantage of him and dealing drugs to not only my brother but the other roommates as well instead of kicking her out. This is what confuses me. I really don't know what this is as I've never met anyone else like this. I've tried talking to counselors but I can't seem to find a good one. Anyways, I think if I can sort out my FOO then I can figure out why I am the way I am now. At the moment I am dependent on my parents so I'm not sure what to do. If I disowned them I would be living in a cardboard box in some alley, and I also am not convinced that disowning anyone is the right answer.

Hello everyone. I would like some insight into my family situation. Struggles with alcoholism have plagued my life for about 10 years now. I am sober now but I have been jailed, self injured, been incredibly reckless with my sexual behavior even getting a woman pregnant at 24 years of age. She ended up getting rid of the baby. I am now 25 and sober and have been doing some soul searching. At first I demonized my mother for her narcissism. Since I was a child I always was treated more like a boyfriend than a little boy and I know this damaged me. I looked at my father as a good man who got involved with a damaged woman. Now I am beginning to recognize things about him that were right in front of my face the entire time. He is not malicious, nor abusive, but he has never guided me. He essentially watched me fall apart starting in my teens when I was drinking heavily and caught a non violent felony case. He showed little reaction to this. He was supportive of me, as he always is, but never seemed overly concerned. It almost seems like something is missing. At the end of my drinking spree 8 years later I had ut 3rd degree burns down my arm after being drunk for a week straight and was hospitalized where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I do not totally agree with this diagnosis as many of the symptoms of bpd seem to accurately describe a drunk person, which I was much of the time. Anyway, my parents and I have a good relationship now but I know this is because I have changed, not that they have. This is not about bashing anyone but I want to understand my family dynamics better so I can figure out what happened to me so I never go down such a road again. My brother is very similar as well. He is not malicious and is very kind, but lacks empathy. For example, my grandmother was rushed to the hospital one evening for an unknown reason and as I jumped in the car with my father to go see her, my brother turned around and went into the house to play video games. The people at the hospital told me I wouldn't live to 30 if I continued to self destruct the way I was. Thankyou all so much for your time and I hope to get some feedback from you.