FelixandFenna

Thank you so much for your comments! So no one thinks that me telling an 8 yr old that Santa isn't real, is an awful thing? I have so many questions about what exactly is my right to do in this situation as a step mother. Do I have the right to tell the boy about beliefs that contradict his mother? His mom constantly reminds me that the boy is her and my France's son, not mine and that I need to keep my opinions to myself. The thing is, I hardly ever express my opinions as truth. For example, when asked about presidential candidates, I give good and bad aspects to both candidates and let the boy decide. I try to be fair and neutral but most importantly, honest. Despite this, I have been banned from speaking about religion, morals and death because the mom feels the son is too young for those topics and that he should only have her opinion on those matters. The thing is, I don't know how this works. Do I have any right to object to this? I hate having to lie and avoid conversations. Perhaps I will post a more thorough question about what is morally correct to do in the step parent situation. Thank you so much for you replies.

The situation: Me and my fiance were with the babysitter and my soon to be 8 yr old step son whom I've know since he was 5. He was talking to the sitter and saying Santa wasn't real and that it was bullcrap and then the boy asks me, Is Santa real? I asked the boy if he believed in Santa, he replied "No". I said well, no, I don't think Santa is real but you can believe whatever you want to believe. A lot of people believe in Santa but if you don't believe it's ok. Christmas isn't really about Santa or even getting presents anyway. It's about sharing Love, kindness and generosity. It's about spending time with people you love and spreading Christmas spirit which is to spread love and generosity, especially to people who are less fortunate then you. So, it really doesn't matter if you believe in Santa or not, what is important is having Christmas spirit and believing in that. His dad, me, the sitter, and the boy then joked about ways that he could test if Santa was really real or not. For example, asking for crazy gifts and seeing if he would get them. A few weeks later, his mom called me very upset and said that her son told her that he doesn't believe in Santa because I told him Santa isn't real.... She asked me if it was true that I told him Santa wasn't real and of course I said yes I did, but he already didn't believe anymore. She got extremely upset and started yelling, asking how I could ruin Christmas for an 8 yr old like that. I tried to better explain the situation and told her that I didn't implant this doubt in his mind but she got even more hysterical and angry. She started saying she can't believe that I don't understand what I did wrong. I then told her thay I do realize and apologized. I said I realized I made a mistake and that I shouldn't have been the one to tell the boy about Santa because that's something his mom should have talked to him about but she only continued to insult and attack me. She accused me of not being smart enough to have the judgment of what not to say to a small child and when I tried to explain that I didnt think she really understood the situation, she again, became even more upset. I told her, I never said Santa wasn't real in the years before because he believed in Santa. I wouldn't want to ruin that for a kid who believes but the boy is 8 and hes very smart for an 8 yr old. He already knows that its make believe. I wasn't trying to rob him of the magic of Christmas, (as the mom puts it) I was only trying to tell the boy that even if he doesn't believe that Santa is real anymore, that it doesn't mean there is any less magic and joy in Christmas. I realize that it wasn't my place and that as a step mom I should have been more sensitive to this boundary but the more I apologized, the more ridiculous her statements about me became. She accused me of trying to take her place as his mother which is not in anyway something I ever want. I want my own children and while I love this boy, he already has a mother. When I tried to defend myself against comments like these she would just lose it and become unnecessarily mean. She told me she has no respect for me and she also mentioned that just because I was pregnant for 5 months, it doesn't make me a mother, I just had my miscarriage 3 weeks ago... This comment, by the way, was the only time she has spoken to me about my miscarriage. Even when I was in the hospital her boyfriend and son came to visit me but she didn't. She never asked if I was ok or offered any condolences. All of this took place before this santa argument when we were supposedly getting along. I even held my tounge at the miscarriage gouge and told her no matter how much she insults me, I love the boy and I still hope the best for her, I just don't want to talk to her anymore. She replied saying that she's just being honest like I apparently have to be with her son. I get why she is mad, I do... but I have apologized and said I would work on boundaries but I also sincerely don't believe she can just blame me for destroying Christmas for the boy. I do admit that I thought being open and honest with the boy was a way of respecting him as an individual but maybe I was just wrong and should let him just be a kid. Please tell me what you think! How do I move forward from this disaster? The more I seem to apologize, the harsher her statements seem to become. I need to be able to get along with this woman and im trying really hard not to react to her insults with negativity but its hard. I'm worried that maybe the mom is right and that the boy was looking to me for validation about santa though that's really not how it felt at the time. Some background info: I'm am about 11 yrs younger then her and she already has a high paying career and I am still a med student at 27 yrs old. I met my fiance when him and his ex had already been separated for a year and a half. She already had a boyfriend and had moved on just a month after their split. Naturally, I think she already looks down on me because I'm younger but I have always tried to be kind and have asked her to tell me when she feels I have overstepped boundaries. Somehow I feel she has pre-existing anger towards me and she will find something to hate about me no matter what... Please give me your perspectives.