henderyjem

How do I get people? - henderyjem

Not necessarily. I'm just from an incredibly fucked up society in Europe where men aren't men anymore, so I've never had a manly role model in my life (yet), and I'm extremely alone because I reject spending time with fucked up people, and so being confident around girls haven't been something I've had the opportunity to learn, sadly, but I've had lots and lots of training talking to girls online which has given me the opportunity to train my emotional defenses, and you can almost feel the wheels turning inside of you which want you to submit to the female powers, and so I have trained away some of the programmed-in-me girl-pleasing psychological functions since even on a screen your body tells you to please women, and I've had tons of interactions in real life with girls (that I haven't been into,) so it's not like I'm a complete socially inept, but actually interacting with people (especially girls) that I really want to have things to do with, contradicts my entire life story just because dysfunction has been the only thing present, and so rejecting the dysfunction, and focusing on nice people, will send my nervous system signals that I am hereby rejecting all that I was taught and programmed into believing, and thus it can be kind of a hard thing to do in practice, but it is my goal, and I will do it. Make any sense?

Well, I don't know this girl yet, and that's solely because of my emotional distress around her, but this is not exclusive to her all since it's a shell I'm trying to battle. Yes, I've had experiences with that terrible thing called co-dependency, and it's just awful, and I'm SO done with that. I ended up hating the girl. But here's the thing: The girl I had the co-dependency with I had met online BECAUSE of my fear of meeting new people in REAL LIFE, and so the people I talked to online were afraid THEMSELVES, hence I only met really bad people (for me) who lacked confidence. See the cycle here? So, you see, with said girl I talked about above, I'm actually going AGAINST all that I ever knew before, since all I've kind of ever done is to talk to people on the Internet which has been the place where I can be calm, not put up defenses, and thus I could be myself. So this has to do with me battling my emotional and psychological innards in order to change past patterns, completely change the type of relationships I've engaged in and, therefore, change everything. That's the thing. I don't have a history with women. Only dirty bitches with whom I only got acquainted with because I was too afraid to go up to girls in real life, and so I went online, and the girls who sit in front of a computer screen days on end CANNOT be anything else than dirty bitches without confidence who are also looking for bad people to attach to, but I'm rejecting that lifestyle now, and what I'm doing right now is to battle this and have a better life by associating with people in real life who are not fucked up. Thanks for your comment.

This has nothing to do with her, but my emotional reactions, programmed inside of my head by my abusive parents, bullying peers, and decade-long horror show of pure, daily suffering. I'm only now coming out of that into a normal life in which I have control, and I've had many, many good interactions since, but this is sort of like the final challenge for me. You guys don't need to go into Stefan-parroting mode since I usually hear it once every week; but no, this is about battling my own lack of controlling the severe emotional shut downs of the essence of my true self. By the way, male physical attractiveness is very much a western thing; it should not matter that much unless you look like some kind of cave troll, which I don't; I'm quite a handsome guy and have been told this by many hot girls - but I don't care about that either, since it has nothing to do with the task at hand. Girls want a confident man, and looks in a guy is much less important - it is very much a western thing for males to care a lot about their looks to an exaggerated extent - so we can already put that point to rest. This is me deeply and badly needing to sort my emotional stuff out, because it's ruining my life to always reacting negatively whenever I'm in public, not being able to relax and be myself in order to project my true self. Can you guys help me with that? I can be much more specific, should you require it. Thanks!

I consider myself an attractive-looking dude with a ton of physical abilities that do nothing but back up said claim. I feel attractive often, but sometimes I lose the belief and feel as if I want to hide because I don't look good. Why is that? There's a girl I'm interested in that I haven't really talked to yet, let alone asked out, but I want to! Whenever I see her or am around her, I feel like I'm not attractive anymore and that I need to hide or escape her. Why is that? I want the feeling of being confident about the way I look to remain while I'm interacting with said girl so that I can do something about not having asked her out. Can you help me? Thank you. Hendery Jem

Are you fit? Meaning, do you work out like a maniac in a gym or do you do another cool sport which makes you more of an animalistic man? Or would you describe yourself more as a "fat American"? To me, it sounds like your biggest problem is that you lack manliness and confidence, and these are things you can easily build up if you commit yourself to a number of things which will help you to progress in these areas. Are you American? As you may be aware, America is not a place where males are men anymore or even learn to become one, so it's not a mystery why so many men struggle with a lacking sense of self, self-esteem and trouble with the ladies. Have you read Mike Cernovich at http://www.dangerandplay.com/? He talks about these topics which help many men become more manly and take control of their lives. You should definitely take a look!

I don't want to fuck this girl.

Okay.

This happens to me in my country (Western country) as well. Even more so. I really don't want this to be about income and stuff. Numbers and money aren't gonna help you become more confident and secure with girls. Trust me. Doesn't help at all. Only with low-life bitches. I can document it. If you go here believing you'll end up with a super attractive, confident hot Slavic girl just because you're from the West, you're highly misled. Let me explain what I'm talking about: There's a branch of girls here who see foreigners as "something extra" and pursue them just because of their international status and wealth. It's extremely disgusting, and they're usually called "glamour girls" by the local population. They don't wish to have anything to do with local men, and allow lonely, middle-aged Western men without a sense of self to come to them and have a relationship with them, but only because they're Western. Then there are those that appreciate their culture and don't wish to move or even date foreigners, and that type of girl doesn't stick out unless you've been here and made friends with the culture, but I have seen it, and boy are they attractive. You might have heard something about Eastern Europe not having feminism and that bullshit crap? That's exactly right. Feminism scares the crap out of me, but here there is none of that. You could slap a woman's ass and you'd both have a good laugh about it if you did it in a manly way. So if you're not familiar with the culture, women here are both very feminine and mentally (and physically for that matter) strong, and being a foreigner adds zero points when trying to get with good, confident, real women here. You being a Westerner will only have an impact on the trashy ones, assuming your Western identity is the only thing you've got to bring to the table, which it shouldn't. I used to hang out with a group here that did not care where I was from, and they treated me like I was one of them, and that's what I prefer. They did not give me special privilege, and the girls didn't give a shit that I was from Europe -- exactly the way I wanted it. With all that said, I'd really appreciate it if we could stick to the self-knowledge stuff, because if we're going to talk about socio-economic statistics, then that's only going to help someone that doesn't care about becoming more confident with girls and practicing their skills, and I don't want this thread to be about what kind of status I might have in whatever country, since talking about that (even if it could be true) adds zero value to the discussion about my personal growth in terms of becoming more comfortable with girls. Example: Even if a Westerner's market value skyrockets in a different country, how does that make him grow in terms of self-knowledge, becoming more confident and slowly changing and building one's mindset and character around girls? Does that make sense? I can be anywhere in the world, but it will still be about me, and I will still be on the same self-knowledge level that I am, right? - henderyjem

Something happened to me at the gym today. I am new at a new gym, and the girl who is usually there gave me a lot of attention today. I am quite the handsome fella, especially when I turn on my "true self" as I have done a lot of self-knowledge in order to be very authentic when being myself, and I did that to some extent today with her, but I was still "goofy", because I have very little experience with girls, as unfortunate as that is. And I did "hold" back my personality a bit. Is that "allowed"? So she asked me what I did, why I was there (I am in a foreign country), about whether or not I had friends there and whatnot. I told her I am experienced in weightlifting (but currently going through rehab) and she asked me if I could teach her a bit. I did, but still goofy. It was fun, I laughed, broke a joke or two, and she laughed and smiled as well (I always am careful looking if the other person in the interaction is enjoying it). Then when we went back to our exercises, I sort of "retired", went back to my shit, and then it was a bit "awkward" again. I think it is something I have to become comfortable with, this "spontaneous" stuff. I don't understand, or do I? What does a human do here? Can one become friends with her? Or? It is just so confusing. I am a handsome fella with a good posture, but I have yet to become experienced with really talking to girls to ask them out on a date or something. Her butt is amazing and squat form almost perfect. I am in Eastern Europe now partly because of my injury (free-market medicine here and super cheap massages, etc), and I can speak Russian without an accent because of a lot of hard work, and I have zero ties to Russia; no relatives. Maybe this comes across as attractive and cool or something to these people, including this girl, what do you think? Because it is something that takes a lot of hard work to achieve. She surely gave me a lot of attention today, because I "let go" a good percent (maybe 85%) of the "awkwardness" I usually feel, and broke out in a very confident and comfortable manner without feeling pressure, which surely ignited her willingness to be more interactive with me as opposed to other times where I can stay quiet the entire time (in other gyms and places, that is). She came back to me regularly and we talked about different stuff, and it was not awkward, but all the while I felt something like "well yeah, I am enjoying this stuff, but in order for me to 'deserve' intimacy with a person, I need to be better like some super-amazing comedian or something who is 200% confident all the time and 'say all the right things' every single time" -- that is how my brain went, and I realize this is due to a lot of abusive shit in my childhood, yes. However can you tell me what you think about this? You can ask me questions if you want, and I'll answer them to the best of my abilities. "In-the-moment-things" are hard to talk about after the fact as your body is, well... in the moment, right? In the moment you can feel in one way, and then when you're at the computer, then you don't feel that way anymore and you're thinking about hot-dogs and food, so it is a bit of a hazzle to describe this stuff that just happened, but I'm trying, and I want to, because I really need to understand myself better and understand social interactions better as it is crucial to my survival as a socially interactive human being in this world, and today was good; I didn't expect it, and I enjoyed it, and the girl is very attractive. I have a great desire to become close to new, good people, like just "hanging out" casually, take it slow, watch a movie, and stuff like that. Basically meeting new people and hanging out. "Am I allowed to?" is a feeling that often goes through my mind. I just don't know what this stuff "is" as I've actually only ever started hanging out with people that I've met on the Internet, so that is the way it has gone so far, but, as I said in my earlier thread, I need to do it in real life because that is what humans do. "Am I hot enough?" is also a feeling that goes through my mind sometimes, especially during interactions, even though I know I'm above average when it comes to physical attraction which I have had confirmed many times by hot girls (only they count). So. Would she want to be my friend? Does she find me a cool kid? I just don't know how these things "go". Maybe I could ask her for her vk.com next time since I am only at the gym a few times, and since I will probably be going back to Europe in a week or so. Like, I do not really know these things and would like if you guys could maybe analyze the situation for me a bit. What do you guys think I should do? I have had a recurring pattern to have interactions with people without it "leading" anywhere, and it is very painful at this point knowing that I "could've" taken them somewhere. It's a matter of not really knowing "how these things go" and how to take them "further" than just mundane, every-day interactions. What do you think? Thanks! - henderyjem

This is my take on anger based on personal experience, a lot of analyzing, and my own knowledge in self-knowledge and psychology: Anger is an emotion, and emotions are there to tell you something. It's not random. How could it be? In the case of the emotion of anger, it is there to signal that something is "wrong" in a specific situation, or in your life in general, right? Example: If there's a painting on the wall that is not hanging right, it might bother me, and I would go and correct it. Now, what if that painting falls back down on its side the moment after I correct it, and the same thing keeps happening 10 times? That is quite frustrating, right? So the frustration and anger comes from wanting to change something but being unable to, so what things do you have in your situation that you want to change, but find yourself unable to? One very important thing is to realize that there are things we actually cannot change, such as people, yet we often find ourselves thinking and telling ourselves that we can. For example, a few years ago, I was in touch with a girl. She was quite horrible -- she would always be late, and we're talking hours. Half the day could go by without hearing from her after we had already decided to meet the day before, so she would practically ruin my entire day, and I was raging red with anger. I was already very invested in this person and wasn't planning on getting out at that point. Now, this behavior drove me absolutely insane, because I could not change it, yet I expected her to magically stop doing it every time. This was absolutely unbearable, and I have since cut contact with this horrible girl for good almost to years ago now. Blocking her out from my life is, to this day, the best thing I have ever done in terms of personal relationships, and I will forever be grateful towards my past self for making the decision. All the anger I felt almost every time I talked to her was gone! Now, what is there in a situation in which you become angry that you would like to change? Can you think of a few instances where you were angry? Would you be willing to provide an example? In my experience, I become angry when there is something really wrong that I know is going to be hard to change, and so I "explode", just like you said, instead of me being at it dealing with the problem. It sounds like there were things in your childhood that you had no control over, such as your parents, who were 10 times larger than you, being cruel to you, or doing something to your environment that was impossible for you to change, since you were a child. We tend to recreate the dysfunction we experienced if what we went through is not processed. I am immediately thinking that there might be something you are recreating in your life situation and in your relationships which is what made you angry as a child. Another very crucial and important thing I spot in your text is that you don't go to the problem; you talk about the anger itself, but the anger here is obviously a product of something else, which is why I ask if you can provide examples and describe the situations in which you find yourself coming across these immense feelings. What people are involved? What are their behavior like? How do they treat you? Or maybe it is things that you do that make you angry? Maybe you feel your performance is lacking or that you're not doing things properly? Also, I actually think it is a bit cruel towards yourself to give yourself "exercises" to calm down if you aren't trying to figure out what the root issue is at the same time. I don't know that which is why I said if. But for me, it would only make me angrier doing these sort of exercises without adding the self-knowledge on top of it. And like I said above: Anger is just a way your body speaks to you regarding something not being the way it should, so listening to that voice, going to the root of the anger and figuring out what is going on, will in fact calm it down, if not entirely remove it, eventually speaking. This is just what I feel when I read what you said. It is hard to say something helpful without knowing the circumstances in which the anger arises. Could you talk a little bit about it?

Yes. Of course, you didn't know. I appreciate that, but I understand that I that is a goofy reaction some can get. I think I can make it goofy in time, as well. But it has its associations with humiliation, yeah. Well, and I have never had any of those sweet, tingly interactions with girls. All I got was pain, humiliation and yet more pain. And I'm almost 25 now, which is the reason why I am panicking, and rightly so. People often get surprised when I tell them about this as I am quite a handsome fella with lots of meat on me and I am athletic with, so given these characteristics, skills and potential, it becomes extra painful when realizing what my life "could be" taking the necessary steps for creating such a life which is, yet again, another reason why I'm panicking the hell out. And there's literally nobody who is helping. 6 months have passed since I last interacted with a human being, and that sucked, because it was a person I had contacted on the Internet and, as many are aware, Internet people can be pretty fucked up, since the Internet is where people go when they lack the balls (for a lack of a better term) to go out in the streets and approach EXACTLY the girl you're attracted to -- on the Internet, you get what the Internet provides you, and that's usually very, very sucky people. Your choice, and I choose real life now! When I talk about "the Internet" I mean people who use the Internet as their main source of social interaction. When the Internet is their main source for that, it almost always is for extremely bad reason, and they're going to weigh you down because of how troubled they are. And now a guy has blown me off after dangling the very thing I want the most in life. It is unbelievable how much pain I have and am going through. And I have been "on the brink" of breakthroughs sooo many times it's crazy, and every time something has happened that "post-poned" it, and there I was, right back in the fucking isolation again. Problems in isolation cannot be solved in isolation! Therefore I believe I need a "partner" with me which is what I'm trying to get.

The fact is this: I don't have a life. It is dangerous to act as if I do in these sorts of circumstances as it allows my brain to adjust even more firmly to the nightmare at hand. I cannot be a man unless I push myself out from the deeply advanced psychology my brain currently resides in. I avoid everything, because I am isolated, and because I am isolated, my entire body pains, and training socially will feel like pulling a 250kg bar. Being with somebody whom you trust while training socially, on the other hand, is extremely good. It allows your entire system to focus the social energy on him or her, and you can do it together by going out into town and being social together with strangers without issue, because you won't care about their reactions as much since you are "connected". This is why bonds are so important. I currently have no bonds, and therefore every single detail of every interaction can bother me to no end since my mind and body are desperate for contact, bonding and ultimately intimacy. I have no body, but I was given an opportunity by someone I had been talking to prior to meeting. We had a good time, and I felt I wanted to make it an "introduction" to ourselves rather than starting the social training immediately on that day. He suggested we meet again and "make friends with girls" -- the exact thing I need as a person. This is not to get laid, but to re-train my entire fucking fucked up brain to, in real life, understand that girls aren't dangerous. This will lead me to become much less afraid of girls I actually have "on the radar" that I want to get to know, and eventually it will even make me comfortable talking them. What happened next: The guy I was going to go out and do this with said no 3 times in a row. The first time he said "yeah, let's do it tomorrow instead." And since that time wasn't "set in stone", I proceeded by believing the next day would happen, so my mood increased to the skies, and prior to going out just to practice socially, my social comfort increased BEFORE the actual thing. And so I go back home after having had decent, casual social interactions throughout the day with strangers. Not a word. I call him up and AGAIN he says "yeah, let's do it tomorrow." I am absolutely raging at this point, swearing and going mad that the absolutely marvelous mood and mindset I was in would go UNUSED a second time after having scheduled some real-time social training with I guy (thought I could) trust! I am convinced that doing this sorts of social practicing is what I need in order to progress in life. Even more so than money and becoming financially stable, since you can do a job for 40 years and continue to ignore girls and becoming a man anyway. I am literally going out of my way to make this happen. So, this guy now says for the THIRD FUCKING TIME that we can "do it tomorrow instead", but this time I don't believe it's gonna happen. Lo and behold, the next day he says "listen, I need to go to my home town to retrieve some documents. I don't know when I'm gonna be back." My reaction: I receive a fast shoot of adrenaline followed by me sinking back into the chair, releasing my muscles, almost closing my eyes, feeling like the life in me had been sucked out of me. Next day I wake up without the will to even get out of bed. Every dopamine receptor completely depleted, feeling like someone had taken a spoon and carved out a piece of my soul, and, of course, I am alone, and no one is coming (like Nathaniel Branden says). It's like the universe dangles the solutions to the problems I have spent my entire life avoiding only to take it away EXACTLY when I feel the most ready to "kick some ass", which is something that has happened several times. It's almost as if when I feel the most alert, confident, strong, witty and good about myself, "the universe" JUST HAS TO counter those feelings with blowing me off completely, putting me back at square one. And what has square one meant the previous times? It has meant this: Social isolations for months or even years! This is why I know that whenever I feel the best, that is when to act. I had a really social guy, seemingly nice which I trust(ed) to be nice enough to help me with at least communicating with girls. One does not need to be best friends to make something like this happen. Now, I don't know if this guy is blowing me off, or whether he really has some pressing issues at hand in need of immediate fixing. Frankly I do not care. All I care is whether the "bond" is still comfortable enough for me to go out and do this with him once and for all. I hope that me being so fucking pissed isn't going to make it impossible to do what I want to do. Like I said, we hung out before, and it felt like a good introductory "hangout" for US and not for socializing with strangers on the street, which is why I wanted to save that for next time. But "next time" hasn't happened yet. Backstory about my need for socializing and training myself to not make it a life-or-death scenario: My entire system has adjusted to a life of isolation. 2016 was a year-long prison sentence in an apartment without ever interacting with another human being. Who knows, if I don't take this opportunity, maybe the next prison sentence will be another 2 or 3 years in a disgusting apartment in a country where people are anti-social (I am currently in a more social country, and I don't have unlimited resources to wait for this dude) I have seen people go into their forties avoiding things like this. It's not pretty, and there's no "turning back". Healthy individuals can learn this at 16. I am 24 now, and I am already "freaking the fuck out" -- something I consider a healthy thing. People that aren't "freaking the fuck out" who are older than me I consider crazy, since it will only become harder and harder the older you get, and people stop cutting you slack the older you get. People will easily cut an 18-year old slack for being "awkward" since the assumption is that they are still learning because they haven't had time to develop because of their age. A 30-year old is a different story. The reasons are implicit, and if you want people to cut you slack in that age, then you at least gotta tell them you've been through hell, but even then it won't be "slack" they'll be cutting you, but sadness and pity. There was a time where I did not freak the fuck out, and that time is lost and could have been used to do exactly what I am set to do right now. Last time I had a similar opportunity was in the autumn of 2014. That's 3 years. 3 god-damned years! And you can't do it with just anybody. They kind of need to "be better than you" in this area, so you need to find someone that is better than you, bond a bit, create a win-win situation somehow by offering them something, and then casually go and do it with them.

Yes I have. There was a girl in second grade which I had a "feud" with. We were both known for it. She would lie about me having "done" things to her, and she told about it while we were sitting in a circle during a "mate discussion" as these crazy ass feminist "teachers" called it. They always sided with the girl, and she never asked a me a single question about said instance, which she had just made up and was now lying about in front of the entire class, ultimately humiliating the shit out of me. Of course, due to the lack of bonds with my parents ("a lack of bonds" isn't the right way to put it, since it was all abuse, but I'll just say that for the sake of the story) I did not stand up for myself, and I felt I couldn't. I sat there with my head held down, feeling singled out for all the children to see and judge. She was a raging bitch. I don't know what initially created this whole "feud", but out of many conflicts during my childhood, this is not one that I recall me having been the initiating force for. This story set aside, I remember feeling shy around girls even before this. I'm getting the sense that I did not have "normal" interactions with girls and that the majority of interactions with them was humiliating towards me, so if that is true, then it is probably imprinted in me as an "initial" picture of "what girls are like". I was also quite humiliated by girls in late grade school. At that point my self-esteem was that bad I could barely even talk. One girl once put up her red shirt next to me because she wanted to compare it to my red face, which was red because I got embarrassed. I just sat there and did nothing. A complete horror story. There were Muslims in that school threatening to murder me, so that is a huge reason for why my self-esteem was that low. Fuckin' circus! And oh yeah, please recommend away! =) I'd love me some new reading material.

I don't even know (not 100%) what the negatives are since I haven't approached girls yet. However I fear humiliation, such as becoming red in the face, making the situation super awkward and wanting to sink through the floor. Me being physically strong has a huge impact on my character and general well-being, psychologically and physically. Remember, it is not that I am not as strong now, but that I'm injured and haven't recovered yet. Look up disc hernia and read what the people say about it. I don't think there are many injuries that can be likened to hell. This is one that can.