_Amadeus_

I used to be hyped about defending the homeland and fighting the bad guys; quite inevitably, considering I live in a country where militarism and patriotism are being infused into your brain since age 0. But since becoming familiar with philosophy, morals, and the way the world works (partly through Stefan), I slowly went from lovin' it to being disgusted by the notion of going to die in some war I'm not responsible for under the influence of shallow propaganda lines about THE MOTHERLAND. So for almost a year the path had been clear: evade the army, live my life the way I want, and laugh about the cattle that took the bait at any opportunity. But now, a few weeks before the enlistment (or evasion) day, I got struck by the idea of joining the herd. Even today, as I'm being torn between the two options, the nationalism talks remain out of the equation. Do I love Israel? Yes, in a way. I love (some of) the people, I love the traditions that make me feel at home, I love the warmness any stranger here would exhibit, I love the jokes that only Israelis would understand. But god, I'm light years away from loving the government and its artificial forced nationalism. Even if I end up dying in a war, I don't want to be remembered as "a brave soldier who sacrificed his life for the nation". That's not who I am, and those are not the values I'd die for. So why am I filled with doubt still? Because of selfish reasons. I can't decide which option will make me a better and happier person, and which will accelerate my rotting. As I wrote above, to me, nationalism goes through one ear and out the other at the same second. As a child I used to be "poisoned" as we say here—almost obsessed with the army—and proud of my country. Then I met philosophy, and the idea of serving politicians gradually lost its attractiveness to me. I swear, thinking is such a disadvantage when it comes to going through military service. If I were POISONED, I wouldn't let doubts about morality and long-term benefits disturb my motivation. I guess there are 3 main concerns in the equation aside from ideology: health, experiences, and finance. My mom tells me not to do it because I'm physically unfit and the risk is high. My dad tells me to do it because 'I gotta experience different things in life'. My brother (who's currently a soldier, though not combat) tells me to save myself this waste of time and from any interaction with that retarded system. My sister says if she were I, she'd try it, and that I'm not so productive on my free time anyway. My heart tells me to do it, my body tells me not to, and my brain is confused as fuck. As for finance, starting to work as a waiter now, and possibly making a good bitcoin investment sounds quite attractive. I don't have any desire for higher education right now and I don't know if I'll ever go this way. I'm passionate about classical music and I want to compose and play the piano, whether professionally or not. I do have musical talent which I'd developed until the end of elementary school, and then dropped it (played several wind instruments and excelled at them compared to the rest of the school). I'm nowhere near studying for an MBA or something, though, it'll take several years to develop the needed skills for that. BUT, it's important to remember that in order to achieve financial success there are traits you need to have, such as persistence, discipline, mental toughness, stress resistance and so on. Especially in the entrepreneurship sphere, which I am into (but haven't done anything worth mentioning to step in it—I truly lack those traits!). Keeping in mind that the army trains you in these areas, perhaps, in the long run, serving would be the financially wiser choice. Some billionaire whose name I forgot said that whenever he needs to make an important decision, he asks himself: "When I am 80 years old and I look back at my life, will I be happy I decided to do it? Will I regret not doing it?" And often, it is what we didn't do that we regret the most. I don't know. I sure as hell would regret becoming a cripple, but I would also regret rejecting this opportunity and then just continuing to rot. Anyhow, I'm now going to sleep and when I wake up I should decide. This is the last day I've got. This day is history.

My life is at a crossroads. I live in Israel, where military service is mandatory, and for me it is nigh. I'm to be drafted for 2.8 years in 3 weeks—to the Kfir (lion cub) Brigade, infantry. This means an extremely tough boot camp continued by daily activity in Palestinian cities and villages (patrols, guarding, sometimes ambushing and arresting terrorists) and a risk of participating in the next war/operation. To all this, stoic, libertarian me said—as you might imagine—thanks but no thanks, there's enough human cattle to fight the politicians' wars, I'm not part of the herd. And so I've been planning to evade. Either legally through a mental health officer, to whom I'd over-dramatize my mental problems (which I don't lack anyway) and he'd pardon me from serving, or—Plan B—simply refusing and being thrown into military-jail for up to 3 months and then being pardoned. I have a meeting scheduled with an officer in a few days. An estimated 90% success chance. Instead of being shouted at 24/7; I'd make money, play the piano (18 is already pretty late starting-age, so 21?), learn Japanese, read books, travel, be FREE. Imagine how much progress I could make in these 2.8 years. What's the dilemma then, you ask? Well, between you and me, my mouth is bigger than my hands. I've had these, and many more, grandiose ambitions for years. Haven't made a penny. Haven't even bought a piano. Have barely been exercising, still horribly skinny. Been brain-masturbating, you know. I'd been learning Japanese on and off (mostly off) for a year until my motivation dried out. Why have I failed? It's not the IQ I lack—you can tell I'm quite literate for a foreign teenager. What I COMPLETELY lack is self-discipline and will-power (been raised by a single mom)—exactly what the army can provide. So to give up this opportunity to deal with my biggest weaknesses, to experience things most people don't, accomplish challenges I never thought I was capable of, to live up to my childhood fantasies of walking in the streets with a uniform and a gun, feeling the awe of every little girl to an old man I pass by (I know I shouldn't have these); give it all up for what? For the continuation of nothing? Of procrastination and masturbation? My biggest concern is health, though. As I'm writing this, poor me is suffering from sore throat from eating too many frozen blueberries (how will I sleep in the cold, muddy tent?), post-[pathetic]workout muscle ache and mild back pain (very mild 8° scoliosis and bad posture). This, combined with being underweight, really makes me worry about seriously injuring my back there. In the boot camp you're always on your feet and you usually carry heavy shit—not ideal for the spine. I might simply be physically unfit for it. But sometimes I just have the urge to fall asleep in a muddy tent under the rain to the chatter of my companions (my new bros!), my muscles aching, me not having digested the details of the past day but knowing tomorrow will be even harder. These are the moments that would be forever engraved in my memory. I want to be somewhere far away, living differently. I'm sick and tired of rotting at home, sick and tired of having comfort. I want to change the way I boringly live my life or I'll go crazy—or probably not, I'll just let the anger out and resume wasting my life, as has always been the case. The enlistment date only creeps closer, and I still don't have an answer when it reaches me. I do feel that whatever choice I make—I'll regret for the rest of my life.