Bob Jones

Thanks for the reply and the sympathy. I'm 23. I do feel like this job is beneath me because of my IQ and the amount I make, but my own attitude affects why I call it boring. I have definitely been challenged because I jumped into the job without knowing how to do about 85% of the job responsibilities. I had to learn on the fly. I think what is holding me back is all of the horrible childhood experiences and my lack of ability or initiative to combat the negatives that stem from them. The laughing shooter is an interesting connection and I had similar thoughts about how this job is boring and lonely similar to school. It is a mega corp with diversity initiatives and all that and I don't enjoy supporting that. I am trying to get my head back into this job and focus on being good at it instead of being a victim of my own choice to work here and hopefully I will make some headway with that. As far as a dream journal goes, I usually just put it into my regular journal and haven't been as consistent as I'd like with it. I will be thinking about these dreams and probably more as I dig into my emotions. I'll find a way to be more assertive. I am getting sick of not being that way. I have been very assertive before so I know I'm capable. I will try this out.

Hi, I had quite a few dreams on two occasions of sleep within two days and was wondering if anyone had any input on what they could mean. Pick any dream that you find interesting. I think they are important because I don't dream that often and they were bizarre, interesting, and pretty damn creepy to me. They also occurred after some deep emotional experiences listening to Stefan's podcast and reading a book. Thank you in advance. The following three dreams occurred in one night after listening to some podcasts. One was about fully experiencing your emotions and following them to their depths instead of running away from them. I skipped going to the gym that night to experience the anxiety of being alone on the weekend. I found myself back in lonely middle school in those emotions. The other podcast was about abandonment and I experienced quite a bit of sadness (podcast #852 and #888 caller at about 1h:10m). Dream 1 - School I was in a building which had the same layout as the department where I work, but darker, emptier, and a sort of dirty, worn-down look to it. I walked into the back room where I usually work and found my coworkers arguing over something. I didn't know what it was they were arguing over or if it was important for me to know. After the arguing they migrated out of my room into the department foyer. Shortly after, I heard a commotion outside of the room. I went into the foyer and through our very large entryway where I found myself in a school lobby. Part of the walls in this lobby were brick like a few schools I went to, but the rest was different in layout and decor. There were several glass windows and doors leading to administrative offices on one wall near a hallway that was at an angle unfavorable to my view. Kids, middle or high school age, were scattered throughout the room talking quickly and nervously. I suddenly heard screaming and people were running out of the hallway, but they didn't leave the school. Instead they watched the hallway entrance. My coworkers were in the entryway looking around, trying to figure out what was going on. I knew this was a shooter situation either from the gunshots or looks of fear on the kids. I ran from the lobby to the back room and fetched my pistol case, which was stored exactly as it was before I went to bed. It was almost as if I reached my hands into my room from work and grabbed my case, but I cannot be sure. I took the gun from the case and quickly checked that it was loaded. I ran back cautiously, hiding behind cover on the way and stopped short of the lobby, staying behind my department wall for cover. Shortly after the shooter emerged from the school hallway. He looked like someone from a different department at work who I have never spoken to. At this point I recognized him as a threat, but he didn’t seem to be shooting anyone and I didn’t see any bodies. I stayed behind cover and started shooting at him. He fearfully shot back, mostly staying behind cover. Some time early in the shootout or from the very beginning I did not have a gun. I was squeezing my hand as if I had a gun, but I was still shooting and doing damage to the environment. The shooter ran into some administrative offices behind him and out of my view. I ran into the lobby to get a better angle. I noticed him in the administrative hallway through a reinforced window and opened fire. He ducked as he ran away. It looked like he was taking a roundabout way to get to the nearest exit. I cut through several offices to head him off and exited the building. I found myself in a large and unkempt yard. I ran left around the corner towards the road and was surprised that he was so quick. I didn’t see him. I ran towards the road and saw a tree line with bushes perpendicular to the road. I entered the bushes in a spot that looked like he might have been in, but I heard him talking in a hushed voice to my right. I doubled back and found a large bush with a cave as if the bush grew to make this cave within itself. I crawled in and passed a few separate tunnels on my right, going all the way through. I heard his voice again. I think he laughed. I went back into the tunnel taking a different path and the dream ended. I suspect I was about to find him in that tunnel. Notes that could be related: I'm pretty bored of my job. One of my coworkers was picking on another and I felt disgust for his actions. I didn't really do anything. In middle school I had a period of extreme depression and had no friends to speak of. I would sometimes imagine stopping a school shooting in school for some sort of attention or feeling of importance. I had the strangest thought that this shooter was me even though he was a different race. I know I have habits that are slowing my recovery from abuse. Dream 2 - Driving I saw a truck, like one we have at work. It was driving on the freeway with moderate traffic. It was tricked out with tires on the sides of the bed like armor and higher sides. It looked like it could have been featured as a mercenary truck in a video game. Suddenly, I’m behind it driving a newer version of this truck. It is much sleeker, newer, and better armored. It is rainy or icy as we drive on the freeway and I remember being concerned about spinning out on the curve up ahead. I pass the older truck and head toward the curve. Dream 3 - Metropolis I am in a city. It is a mix of developed and 3rd world architecture. There is a wide apartment built onto the side of a large concrete courtyard’s ledge. It’s foundation is halfway off of the ledge and it looks like an older building. I get a view of a man in his room in this building. I was not present. He has dark hair and hispanic/arab complexion. He is talking to Stef on the phone or computer. After the conversation is over – which they enjoyed – the building toppled over the ledge and was destroyed. … The same building is now standing as if untouched (unsure if this is out of order). A woman and her partner and I are standing on a taller building across the large street. We are holding para-gliders and they glide to the building that just toppled. I follow and we land on the roof unscathed. They enter the building through a door on the roof. I can only wonder if this is my mother and her boyfriend in the dream. I am really unsure what to think otherwise. These three dreams were during a nap. I had just finished reading 50 pages of Healing the Shame That Binds You. I basically just learned that I have a heck of a lot of layers of defenses to heal from if I am to recover. Dream 4 - The Battle Much like a video game, I start off viewing a battleground map that shows troop movements. It looks like there is an aerial assault on ground forces/cities with plenty of aircraft to defend. I appeared in a bomber that was floating in the ocean near the shore with two wings like a B-2. I think it was an island. The waves were relatively tame and the woman flying the plane took off from the ocean. We headed to a developed city area where there were enemy positions. I was concerned about how low we were flying because the tallest buildings were just beneath us. We took enemy AA fire and I hopped in the gunner’s seat to take them out. We took some hits and retreated. confession: this is a mix of a couple games I have played, but I decided to stop playing a week ago. I have had trouble with my mood for along time swinging from happy to down over and over again. Often weekly. I also was starting to seriously consider cutting ties with my mother. I don't think she is truly understanding my pain or helping me in any significant way fix my problems or deal with the past and often brings me her own problems instead. Is this her flying the plane and wasting my time, pretending to take out the AA which are my "false self" defenses? Dream 5 - The Gym I was in a very large room that resembled a gymnasium. It was about 3 stories up to the ceiling. I was standing on a gym mat about 6’x8’. The mat was also levitating about 2/3 of the way up the wall. It was rigid enough to stand on and had multiple colors like it was intended for younger kids to use, possibly from an old school of mine. There was a platform in the corner of the gym at our height a few feet away, but out of jumping distance. There were three other people standing on the mat with me. One was an older man, sort of resembling Gandalf in Lord of the Rings standing near the controls for the mat. I hoped he would move the mat over to the platform. One of the other men was a very large black man that looked like a body builder. He had the kind of aggressive and motivated look on his face that one might have before they try to crush a bench press PR. He was wearing black shorts and a black tank top/undershirt which is typically what I wear to the gym. The third man was black but otherwise nondescript. The two black men body slammed my back against the padded gym wall and held me to it. One guy pressed against me and the bodybuilder was pressed against the back of his friend to add weight. His arms were outstretched and resting on the padded wall on either side of me. I was smaller than them and had no chance of getting out. At this point I completely peed my pants as I saw the terrifying depths of the gym below and was terrified of the mat falling. The old man grabbed the controls and we dropped. I am afraid of heights no doubt. I used to wet my bed at night as a kid. I workout quite a bit, and after reading I was pretty scared of finding what may rest in the depths of my repressed memories. Dream 6 - Space I was in a space ship. There were people walking about or sitting at their controls. They were all wearing space suits similar to those in the movie The Martian with their faces completely covered. There were windows showing the vast starry space to my right. I was wearing my good dust mask from work and I think I had the same space suit as everyone else. My father was sitting at a station and he was blocking the entrance to a tunnel that went down and into an asteroid. There were three very large steps, about four feet high, going down into the ground. After the steps it was a dark dirt and rock tunnel. As I walked to the entrance my father yelled at/to me with a muffled voice saying, “Speak up!” in an irritated way like he often used to. I might have said something beforehand, but I don’t think so. I tried with some enthusiasm to respond louder but I let my voice fade away halfway through. I think I felt restrained by my asthma and/or didn't see the point in finishing. It suddenly became clear that there was a problem. An emergency alert came onto a fairly large screen. It was clear that the space ship was going to eject itself into a nearby star or asteroid to self destruct. My guess is that it was going to happen in less than 30 minutes but as soon as 3. I walked towards my father with the intention of passing him and going into the tunnel. I stopped talking to my father about 16 months ago. I had a dream about 10 years ago about getting ejected out of a space ship and falling backwards through space by a king on his throne. I don't know if it is related. I have feared open and empty spaces in dreams/video games before as well and they popped up a few times.

This all really comes down to abuse and defense mechanisms. I'm reading the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw and it really goes hand in hand with Stef's work in Real-Time Relationships and how terrified people are of realizing that they are slaves. The difference is that Bradshaw breaks it down a lot more, calls slavery "ego defenses," and gives you the tools to undo it in a therapeutic way. I can say as an IQ ~130 that I'm struggling even though I can acknowledge what the problems appear to be and where they may come from. The book really explained it well. I had 3 vivid dreams during a nap after the first 50 pages I read one morning. These people suffer from the deepest layers of ego defense (out of 4 or 5) which stemmed from the earliest development period of childhood. Shame binds to an emotion or stimulus as abuse occurs and slowly cripples us as we grow. This occurs because we were not allowed to express these emotions. And I want to challenge your thinking. If you need an external accomplishment or attribute to be "confident" is it really confidence? Like the guy that is "confident" because he is tall or good looking? I heard a guy say in high school once, "Weed makes me so confident." Does it really? Or does it numb the part of you that wasn't loved unconditionally as a young kid (in reference to the book above)? I think you might be mistaking confidence for vanity. As far as I understand it confidence is internally driven and hard-earned or well parented into us.

I think it was Henry Ford that said "If you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." I know it is difficult, but focusing on your IQ score is slowing you down and distracting you from adding value to your life. Your verbal IQ is 103? Focus on that! How can you use that verbal IQ to raise your SMV or your value in the job market? I recommend reading. It uses your strongest form of intelligence! There are great books like "How to Win Friends and Influence People." I read it and it was very straight forward. I think dedication could help you increase your social abilities. I've recommended this next book about 20 times in the last two days so here I go again... "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw could help you overcome any shame-bound emotions that you are having trouble expressing and being honest about (psst... videogames, eating! These actions are possibly expressions of an emotion that you were not allowed to express as a child). I think this could be related to your feelings regarding your IQ right now. There was a time when you should have once been unconditionally loved and cared for by your parents. A lot of us struggle with this including me. I think the emotions you are experiencing regarding your IQ could be something to do with this unconscious need for unconditional love. This book talks about how to get it back so you can love yourself. I bet a lot of your energy is spent worrying about your IQ and to be honest - mine is too - and it is really, really distracting. My IQ is about 130 (+/- 10?) and I still effin' worry about it falling or not being good enough! I am not assuming you are doing this, rather I am putting out a theory that you might be unconsciously avoiding an unmet emotional need by distracting and intellectualizing (explained in Bradshaw's book). As Stef talks about how women that are unattractive can do things like be better wives, caregivers, and friends to increase SMV... I think you can do the same. It takes dedication and a lot of work and drive! I think most of this can begin to be unlocked starting with $7 and a few days here: "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw

I've been reading "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It is powerful stuff. These are some theories that have helped some people get out of this. "Mental illness" which I will refer to as ego defenses can show up to varying degrees in every person. There are several layers of ego defense (our true uncontaminated self) which will distract us from the excruciating pain we experienced as children. Each layer is progressively more deep into your childhood (all the way back to the infancy stage), harder to undo, and closer to your fragile ego. The good news is that they can be peeled back one at a time. Bradshaw goes into detail how shame can progressively "bind" our emotions until they are completely unusable. Unfortunately, you cannot stop them from escaping in different ways (as opposed to openly expressing or feeling them - which was completely dangerous as a child for some of us to do). They can come out as OCD, porn/drug/alcohol addictions, perfectionism, anxiety, depression, dysfunctional relationships, etc. I, for example, used porn with my inability to express anger and alcohol to reduce my anxiety. There are more complex defenses that I will not get into, but this book might be able to help you help yourself!

I apologize for waiting so long to respond. I had terrible anxiety in anticipation of your response and I didn't face it off. I am glad that you felt seen (if that is good) and I hope it is a different way of looking at things for you. Although, I think this book I'm reading will be much more helpful to you. I am currently reading a book and I had you on my mind occasionally reading it because I think your relationship with your mother could have been an example in this book. It is called Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw and it is excellent! I think this book would really open the floodgates for knowledge and healing with regards to your situation. Stefan's book Real-Time Relationships is really great too and will go into pattern repetition and how to avoid it. I think these two books work excellently together. And I think these wounds are very deep (just like mine!). There are a lot of defenses that are at work in our lives that are really powerful. Listening to Stef I don't think I got just how powerful these ego defenses (which Stef rightfully calls delusions and slavery I believe) are and how terrifying they are to face! I'm on page 200 and it gives me a lot of hope and a pretty clear path forward so far. I think you can have the same. I think I listened to two or three old podcasts (like 10 and 4 years old) and one unlocked things by recommending really digging deep into your mind and following your emotions as deep as you can go. It was pretty intense. I had three vivid dreams that night. The next day I read the first 50 pages of the recommended book and I had another three vivid dreams and it was pretty crazy. I don't usually dream, and I think it is a good sign. I might just post them on here. If you can search for podcasts with listener conversations that have resemblances to your early life I think that could help too.

Hi, I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. It looks like a troubling situation. I have a few thoughts and I'll try to communicate them here. I'm making some very painful assumptions here. Please forgive me if I'm wrong. I just want to point out that for a variety of reasons that include values and environment, your sons might not be very sexual in their teenage years. Maybe they will want to wait for marriage. I don't know, but it is possible. From the statement "when they hit puberty and began to be sexual" it sounds like "it is written!" Nothing is predetermined and you are married, which is a very positive thing for your sons. Men who grew up in single-mother households, as far as I understand it, "end up" with a larger portion of the problematic sexual behaviors. I don't think you need to assume that they will be very sexual. I think the sinking knot or anxiety that you feel when thinking about your sons' sexuality is a very real fear from an experience that you may have had of a corrupted male's sexuality, which you may not remember and which I am very sorry for. I think this experience is central to the emotions you are experiencing (which I hope you will clarify if it is anger, fear, sadness, as it may help) and for the sake of your sons will need to be confronted at some point before they hit puberty. Why I made the previous assumption is the fact that I see two things: Fear when you mention male sexuality A hostility towards female sexuality I think this could be a response to sexual abuse as you are having trouble separating the evil sexual actions of your possible abuser from the healthy sexual development and curiosity of your sons. I also noticed specifically when you were referencing killing all signs of sexuality that you did not mention your daughter's sexuality. You referred to all sexuality without reference to who it belonged to and I think this may have been unconscious. In contrast, I noticed that you did reference patrolling your sons' sexuality. Once I noticed this, things clicked into place for me and I think it has a lot of meaning. Victims of sexual abuse often internalize that it was their own fault. They can feel very conflicted feelings about themselves and their self esteem.. of course it hardly needs to be said, it is absolutely terrible. These feelings you are experiencing may be coming from the experiences that taught you two things: Male sexuality is evil It is the woman's responsibility to control evil male sexual actions by controlling her own sexuality (this one could use some improvement - referring to my writing) Of course these are both false. Male sexuality has the capacity to be both good and evil and no one can control someone else's actions without using force. Of course the child could never control or influence the abuser's behavior in any way that justifies the abuse. These two beliefs or conclusions as Stefan talks about in Real-Time Relationships (I don't know for sure if this context applies to conclusions) can lead you to dangerous behavior. Controlling your sons' sexuality could leave them feeling sexually frustrated, belittled, and insecure which can push them to abusive behavior. Controlling your daughter's sexuality could lead to her being rebellious and getting into situations where she herself gets severely hurt. Maybe I'm just seeing things, but this could be a pattern trying to repeat itself. I really hope I'm wrong, but if not I'm sorry again. How did I do? What did you experience reading this? Where did I go wrong?