Dave Bockman

Welcome! [Y]

It's tough, because in order to choose a good therapist, one has to trust one's instincts, which may all be (at least at first) entirely invested in finding the WRONG therapist, if that makes sense. When we start to 'wake up' to some uncomfortable, or sad, or really harmful truths in our lives, there are some very strong parts which will rsist change and healig out of a fear of annahilation or loss of control. Those parts can make it difficult to get clarity Dr. Alice Miller has a very good article here: FAQ: How to find the right therapist I know how difficult it is to find the right therapist but I still believe that it is possible if you know what you need. So I try to answer here some questions that may encourage you to check the attitude of the candidate for your therapist; but please take this text as a draft and don't hesitate to make comments or additions. (I decided to speak of the therapist as a "she," but of course both genders are meant.) What do I need to overcome my plight? You need an empathic, honest person who would help you to take seriously the knowledge of your body, a person who already succeeded to do the same for herself because she had the chance to have found this kind of help that you are looking for. How can I know if a therapist is this kind of person? By asking many questions. This idea scares me. Why don't I dare to ask questions? As a child you were probably punished for asking questions because they might have shaken your parents' position of power. Your questions were often ignored or you were given lies instead of true answers. This was very painful. Now, you are afraid that this might happen again. It CAN happen that you will not be understood or that your questions trigger the fears and defenses of a therapist but you are no longer the helpless child without any options. You can leave and look for another therapist. The child could not leave, so he tried to change his parents, some people do it (symbolically) their whole life. But as an adult you have options. You can, with the support of the forum, recognize the lies, the poisonous pedagogy and the defenses. You must only take seriously what you hear, not deny your uneasiness, and not hope that you will be able to change this person (the parent) later. You will not. She will need therapy herself, and this shouldn't be your job as long as YOU pay the honorary. I feel guilty because of my mistrust. If I can't trust I will never find what is good for me. Your mistrust has a history and your need for SPECIAL understanding too. Your caregiver didn't deserve your trust and the child felt this very strongly because his body knew the truth. It couldn't develop trust. Now, trust your body signals, it is the silenced child who is speaking, who starts to talk and needs your truthfulness. If you don't feel good with a person, take your feelings seriously, don't push them away, try to understand these feelings. Once you feel truly and deeply understood by someone, your body will let you know this immediately and very clearly, it will be relaxed without any special exercises. What do I risk by asking questions from the beginning? Nothing. You can only win. If the answer is hostile or very incomplete or defensive, you can gain much money and time by leaving. On the other hand, if the answer you got is satisfying, you will feel encouraged to ask more. And this is what you should do. Which kind of questions am I allowed to ask? Whatever you need to know. But above all don't forget to ask the candidate for your therapist about her childhood and her experiences during her training. Where did she get her training, what was helpful to her, what was not? How does she feel about the defeats, does she have the freedom to see what was wrong or does she protect people who damaged her? Does she minimize the damage? Was she beaten as a child? How does she value this experience? Is she really aware of its consequences for her later life, or is she denying its importance? Does she avoid the confrontation with her own pain? In the last case she will do everything to silence you, not always visibly. Is it a good sign if she tells me that she has read Alice Miller's "Drama?" It doesn't say anything. Ask you how she FELT about "For Your Own Good" and the other books, also ask about her criticisms. What helped her personally, what didn't? What is in her opinion the main healing factor? Is she capable of deep feelings or does she prefer an intellectual analysis to keep distance? This you may even find with primal therapists who makes you feel the helpless child for years and years so that they can "help" you, but without being themselves able to feel on a deeper level. Then you may end up in a dependence on them and on your feelings of a helpless, unchangeable rage against your parents without being able to free yourself for what YOU really need. A good therapist must help you to find and fulfill YOUR OWN needs, neglected for such a long time, needs for free expression, for being understood, respected and taken seriously. When you begin to look for fulfillment and to protect the child, the rage and hatred will leave you, they will fade. They are alarm signals of your repetition of parental neglect and contempt; they do not have the therapeutic quality we are so often told they have. Am I not intrusive when I ask so many questions? Not at all. You have the right to be sufficiently informed and she must have the courage, the awareness and the honesty to answer you in a proper way. Otherwise she is not the right person for you. With this position, am I then looking for an ideal that doesn't exist? I don't think so. You see on the forum ourchildhood.int that honesty, awareness, compassion, courage, and openness DO EXIST. Why should these qualities not be expected from your therapist?

There was nothing left to be stolen. The cows were milked dry. Sensing the impending collapse, Politburo members and military leaders filled their private bank accounts. It's like the Titanic sinking... slow at first but then speeding up as more and more Party members scramble for the remaining scraps of stolen money.

My understanding of the events leads me to believe that the Soviet economy, being in exceedingly rough shape, began to recover and grow under Mikhail Gorbachev's 'glasnost' policies. This small loosening of the iron grip of tyranny resulted in internal strife as various ethnic minorities and oppressed former countries began vying for the 'power vacuum' they perceived. Of course everyone remembers This was a direct result of the Gorbachev regime's 'openness' policies. It became a downward spiral (or upward, sort of). Each lessening of restriction resulted in new nationalistic demands giving power back to the original seats of power.

From infancy until you met this person when you were 11, who in your life treated you like crap & was sadistic to you?

What happened when you were 16 to change things?

He left out the initiation of force, not just 'the use of force'. I have always labored under the impression that the definition of the NAP is, 'The initiation of the use of force, or the threat of initiation of the use of force, is immoral'. I'm probably not as up on Big L libertarianism as I should be, so perhaps my definition is incorrect.

He erroneously defines the NAP in the 1st paragraph, thus all that follows is also erroneous.

Thanks for your post, this is a topic near and dear to me (as you can see if you search my posts about food) The most succinct way I can describe overeating is that it is a symptom, it is not in and of itself the problem, rather it is the manifestation of unprocessed traumas that need to be resolved for the self-destructive behaviors to cease. What those traumas are is unique to the individual, although in the cases of extreme obesity there is a very high incidence of childhood sexual molestation so that is a very lucrative place to start. Dave

To the OP, just curious, have you brought your concerns over the methodolgy used by Mr. Straus to his attention and if so, what was his reply?

[view:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CueDiner6t0] also 872 Debating and Universally Preferable Behavior

I don't know what that means, if you could explain your error another way I would appreciate it. I don't recall asking you to logically defend your assertion, I asked you what methodology you used (this would meet your criteria for 'curiosity' btw) to arrive at your conclusion? I don't know what that means, and by asking me to ponder it, I do believe (and correct me if I'm wrong), you are asking me to look for the illogic (error) in my thinking, is that correct? I am wondering, hence my original question. How did you arrive at this conclusion, what methodology did you use, and if it is not logic & reason, why are you not deploying it within the context of this argument in order to demonstrate the faulty use of logic to discern truth from falsehood with regard to empirical reality? By your use of the word 'sigh', I get the impression you are trying to convey a sense of weariness or disgust with my curiosity and questions with regard to your post, and a kind of smarmy or douchey superiority. Yeah, that's offensive behavior and does not leave me with the sense that you're particularly concerned with the other person in this conversation. What do you think?

So spanking a child does not mean you are physically assaulting them, is that correct?

How did you arrive at this conclusion, what methodology did you use, and if it is not logic & reason, why are you not deploying it within the context of this argument in order to demonstrate the faulty use of logic to discern truth from falsehood?

Is your truth statement bound by the same parameters as you are deploying towards others?

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=obama+whooping&page=&utm_source=opensearch

Yes, if I may offer up my amateur opinion, please avoid doing that. Although I'm sure the reasons from refraining from doing that are not strictly bilateral, here are the two major possibilities as I see it: 1. The person you are talking to *is* emotionally available, empathetic, and feels the pain and emotion you are refusing to feel. This is a very unhealthy interaction for both of you, as you 'pass the poison' off to that other person without any benefit for you except a fleeting cessation of anxiety. The other person also does not benefit as a witness to your pain when you do not acknowledge that pain to yourself. 2. The person you are talking to is equally emotionally unavailable, disassociated, withdrawn, etc. or worse, they are there listening as a possible means of exploitation towards you. Telling an emotionally withdrawn person something deeply personal and troubling is an empirical way of not treating yourself or your feelings well, regardless of their reaction spectrum (disinterest, boredom, scoffing, defending the actions of your abusers, and so forth) sets up a paradigm that further harms your exiled, feeling parrts needing tender sympathy and righteous anger over how you have ben treated. Dave

In his conversation with Stef a few years ago, Dr. Vince Felitti had some fascinating and poignant information about the catastrophic emotional breaks his patients would often experience after massive (but controlled) weigh loss. I highly recommend giving this a listen: [edit:] If you would be interested in having a Skype conversation about your experiences I would find it of great value, I too have experienced what you're describing. I lost about 100 lbs a couple years ago and at my lightest had some stuff come up that was really unpleasant (but ultimately extremely valuable for my self-knowledge and healing. Dave

Respectfully, couldn't they have just missed the connection with their male parent?

No, it doesn't.

Yes, this melds quite well & supports these findings also: