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I already have Autism, so it doesn't really matter if vaccines cause autism. Other than that, are there any reasons as to why I shouldn't get a vaccine which may be life-saving?

Hello Everyone, As the title says, I gave a presentation to a group of Chinese teachers/parents/educational administrators about education, corporal punishment, and ADHD. The discussion focused primarily on the USA. I covered several topics that I think will be of interest to the FDR community. I even used a few of FDR's graphs. Any feedback/constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks YouTube Description: A lecture given to a Chinese audience on education, corporal punishment, and ADHD. Note: projector image becomes clearer after a few minutes. Sources: Arum, R., & Roksa, J. (2011). Academically adrift: Limited learning on college campuses. University of Chicago Press. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (DSM-5®). American Psychiatric Pub. Frances, A. (2013). Saving normal: An insider's revolt against out-of-control psychiatric diagnosis, DSM-5, big pharma and the medicalization of ordinary life. Psychotherapy in Australia, 19(3), 14. Gatto, J. T. (2000). The underground history of American education. New York, NY: Oxford Village Press. Gatto, J. T. (2009). Weapons of mass instruction. Canada: New Society Publishers. Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses. Journal of family psychology: JFP: journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43). Gershoff, E. T. (2013). Spanking and Child Development: We Know Enough Now to Stop Hitting Our Children. Child Development Perspectives, 7(3), 133-137. Kohn, A. (2007). The homework myth: Why our kids get too much of a bad thing. Da Capo Press. The War on Kids: http://thewaronkids.com/ Ending Corporal Punishment: http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/ Summerhill: http://www.summerhillschool.co.uk/ Imagine a School…Summerhill: UK state schools ban corporal punishment: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/las... 19 states allow corporal punishment: http://www.businessinsider.com/19-sta... Homeschooling: http://www.nheri.org/research/researc... College bubble: The College Con: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/09/edu... Drop-outs: Why you should never spank a child: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/20... George H. Smith: The Success of America's Public School System: Morrow, R. L., Garland, E. J., Wright, J. M., Maclure, M., Taylor, S., & Dormuth, C. R. (2012). Influence of relative age on diagnosis and treatment of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children. Canadian Medical Association Journal, 184(7), 755-762. Szasz, Thomas. Myth of mental illness. Vol. 15. New York, 1961. Whitaker, R. (2010). Anatomy of an epidemic. New York.

http://consumer.healthday.com/kids-health-information-23/adderall-news-796/treatment-lowers-odds-that-kids-with-adhd-will-smoke-687694.html

Hi "This is long you do not have to read everything, only read the chapters that you need to read to answer the question." I have 3 questions 1) Were my parents abusive? And if yes was it there fault? Are they abusive or not, I am confuse. 2) Am I the way I am because of my parent?(as much as I kind of believe it, I don't want to sound like a whinny person)(saying omg it's my parents fault) 3) What solutions do you suggest and why? And here are rules that must be respected at my moms place. 1) My Home my rules whatever the age even if over 18 2) you were my kid and will always be my kid 3)younger siblings must respect and listen to their older sibling and elders 4) Childrens are expected to take care of their elder in old age 5)can't arrive late at home everyday or every week. 6) the parent is always right 7) can't have sex in my room( I think that one is reasonable) 8) expected to contribute finantially to the home 9) My moms definition of a good man is a man that provides ressources to his familly. Values learn, 1) its okey to lie or steal sometime if its for a good cause like giving food to your kids(this one confused me a lot) 2) you must share with others 3) be polite 4)dont let people bullie you 5)defend yourself if you are attacked 6) people of colour must always work harder to succeed Communication with my mom is difficult because she is not the strongest at french and, I can never know if she is acting sick or genuily sick. She has high and low tention and when she get into heated dispute with me she starts getting sick, which makes my sister say I should stop, to avoid my mom getting a heart attack or a stroke. She is pretty sick physically but not too sick that she cannot take care of her own self. And her education is very low. In her school you had too learn things by heart without knowing why, and each time you made mistake you were punished by getting hit or by staying on your knees, and when you got home you might get a second bitting from your parents. All schools and parents did it at the time. People in my familly see it as normal and humorous. So she doesnt have much critical thinking skills or reason unfortunately but is very superstitious and christian. ____________________________________________________________________ Table of content 0. Introduction 1. Family history 1.2 some bad stuff my mom said, and her hate of men(except me) 1.3 My dad 1..3 my mom 1.4 punishments 1.5 my older sister 1.6 religion 1.7 my childhood and history of rejections 1.8 Is my mom aware of what she is doing? And how to find out? 2. Guilt 3. My love life and sexuality 4. Confusions 5. Career goals 6. Conclusion ___________________________________________________________________ Here are a few problems I had, that thanks god( I am atheism I say it for sake of expression) I discovered the source of those problems therefore I begun to solve a few. Of them.(with the help of counselors and philosophy)as well as (confronting my fears) I have been trying too hard to be somebody that I am not. 1) Afraid to engage In physical or verbal conflict involving defending an opinion or of someone who wants to cause violence physical or verbal to me, for example somebody saying that I am stupid for not performing well at work. ( Now I defend my opinions against people, but it is difficult to do and I defend my opinions against my mom occasionally by using a comedic tone, with my sister I defend too. Obviously I never win an argument against my family and I am never right. Even with my dad, I am wrong for not calling him, I am late, and everything is my fault, not his. ( this question is troublesome to answer during job interviews) 2) Afraid or very uncomfortable to be intimate with women. (It's difficult to have full trust in women as much as in men, but I can have conversation, mostly superficial with 20% of personal stuff.), I have trust issue in general with people. I had a hard time trusting in my own self. 3) Uncomfortable to talk about sex and to express sexual desire or to display sexual energy ( I can force it but it doesn't come naturally. When I was a teenager sex was a taboo subject at home. If people kissed on tv, the channel was changed. And If I asked a question about a word, I was told that I was too young to know), First time I had condoms home, my mother felt uneasy. 4) Am still a virgin at 25 and I used to be very frustrated about it. (Sometimes I am considering participating in the “mgtow” movement. I stopped pursuing sex now as I am focused on a hobby that I really love. I masturbate on pornography but I reduced my frequency of exposure to pornography by a lot. 5) Never had a real relationship, I wanted one super badly but now I don't really care. I was obsess with relationships or sex.( it used to be my main goal in life and the best I did is dating 2 girls for 2 weeks we did kiss and hold hands. One of them Had a bad breakup I believe. She as a successful career thought, and loved what I do and gave me my first kiss; in short she boosted my confidence a lot. I was 19 when I had my first kiss which was with her. The second one I don't know much about except that she is working toward a successful career in a similar hobby of mine. Beside does 2 successful date I had at least 30 dates that went nowhere 6) I was very hard on myself (perfectionist), it was nearly impossible to accept that I was good at something. It was difficult for me to take compliments positively because I did not trust that people believed in me. Always trying too hard to be the best in my career and skills that I chosed, I was rarely satisfied by my effort and results. I could stay awake all night to finish school projects, accomplishment was more valuable than happiness) Now sometime people will say I'm good at something and I do an effort to trust their 7) Obsess with physical appearance, with a lot of yo-yo dieting for 6-8 years gaining and loosing 20lbs. ( if I got fat or lost abs my sister would say it, and sometimes my mom too.) (if some people at school said I was fat in the last 2 years it would make me sad)(Now I decided to use a slow way to lose weight, and I changed my appearance.) Unfortunately still now it's important to me, I still find it hard to love my self without having the best body I can. I am trying but I still need this body.) I was told when young that my father was an ugly guy and that i looked like him/ now she says I'm good looking and better than my dad 8) Lots of duality and confusion between career choices and hobbies. (I had to choose between illustration (commercial communication arts), Dancing/Circus and Acting. My parents wanted me to do stuff in Medicine or engineering. I choose Illustration. Now I wish I had taken dance or circus. 9) Always felt I owe something to somebody and could never say no.( on top of that I am still confuse of wether or not I owe my parents something, I used to want to become rich to save my mom from her depts., cuz I love her so much) 10) General fear of a lot of things including fear of yapping big dogs.(fear of all my family member rejecting me and calling me a selfish Ingrate.), I use to fear sleeping in the dark. 11) Use to be very shy.( but I used pick up artistry for 4 years, talking to strange women and going to dates and getting rejected. Now I call myself more reserved and quiet instead of shy. I still get some anxiety sometimes. I feel anxious because when people make a joke about me, I tend to get angry very fast. No socialising avoids the issue of been made fun off (as joke) . I have been called weird and different, by acquaintance, I learned to accept and like it. 12) Solutions: After 5 years of seeing a school counsellor, well 2 different one. I finally accepted that the origins of the problem are my education from home. What she said is : You are a non-traditional kid born in a traditional family and the only way to get better is to first separate yourself from your mother physically(move out) and second mentally separate yourself from her. I probably wrote in my journal but from my memory I think she said that my mother was selfish and manipulative. I am tired of this environment despite me paying very little for rent and food. I feel excited to move out. _______________________________________________________________________________________ Now the fallowing text is very long. You may use the table of content above to skip to whichever parts you may feel the need to read, to answer my questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________ 1.Familly History: 1.1 The positive things that were done. Now the problem with this is. My mom did my food, took care of me when I had my burnout from college. Cuddle me a bit as a kid. (She considered that kid should not be cuddled too much and her family agreed and I did not get maternal milk I Think)(I know she is against giving maternal milk)When bullied at school she advised me. She prevented me of becoming an alcoholic or druggy by because of bad friends. She makes me pay a small part of the rent and food and ask for help on some depts. She helped to pay for 10% of my college tuition, by giving me credits money and sometimes real money. I have warm memories of her touching my nose; I have memory of going to her room when I had a nightmare and me sleeping near her. Last year I was always remembering these memories and I always wished that I could still sleep near my mom in her bed. One day I called my dad because I felt sick, but my dad was not here to help me so my mom took care of me . 1.2 Some bad stuff my mom thinks and said and her hate for men and sex and pleasure. But in contrast, I have being called stupid and idiot sometimes when I was probly 5-10years old. The justification for it is because I was unable to do certain things the right way. At the moment she says similar things but as a joke and very rarely, because obviously I am better at doing things now. Now when she says things like that I imagine what I would say. I think I replied to her once but there were no agreement. I was also told that I was not good looking and looked like my father and that my father was ugly. But now she says I am a good looking guy and that im different and better then my father. My mom and dad were separated before I was conscious. And I was born to hate my dad. I was told and heard conversation that men are evil! I believe it was a common toward only men in my race because most black person don't have a dad therefore all black dad are bad. A lot of female friends of family were single moms. I saw my dad on rare occasion but had fun. He bought me kool toys and played with me a bit until I started to hate him because he was lying and my mom used that as an advantage to make me hate him. Also the fact that he had other partners was used to make me hate him. Thirdly is anger about child support was used to make me hate him too. But I learned 4 years ago that he was always busy because he was paying some child support or alimony for me plus he had many other children to take care off. My dad's version of the reason he separated with my mom was that my mom loved him but my mom's cousins who hated men except for the sex and money. My aunt apparently told my mom that she should find a way to kick my dad out of the house and get child support. Till now I never told my mom that I like my dad now. Oh and I have often beign called lazy and all of this up till now. And now when people call me lazy in school I take it very personal and get very mad or sad. I have also beign told by my mom that I am not man an off because I dont know how to fix things n the house when she ask. I cant know everything, I know some thing but unfortunately I am not an andy man, I am more of an illustrator, an artist a thinker. 1.3 My dad My dad was in the military when young. He is strict, more than my mom, but less religious than my mom but he goes to church. He wants me to be polite with him. I have no subject and hobbies in common with him and we are unable to deeply connect because have been disconnected for so long. I don't like much hanging out with him cause its boring and we always meet during him working but I love is presence and I like to feel that he is a man I like to see him deal with client. He is an entrepreneur. And works super hard, it seems like he never takes a break (one explanation of why I overwork my safe even when in pain). He worked 6 days a week until he was 60 years old. He has recreated a new family now. My dad had at least 3 different wife and few children in is life. He is 66 years old now and still works but 5-4 days a week. Unfortunately I don't really feel love for him but no hate either. He seems to love me a lot thought. He used to give me promises to meet me to go out when I was a kid and then he would cancel on me. I hated this. Because I loved him and wanted to see him but then he would lie to me and work instead. My mom used that to help me hate him too. Unfortunately I always forgave him. I think. People putted a lot of pressure and hate on my dad, including is on family. They told him that he is irresponsible and doesn't take care of is kids. All is kids 1.3 My mom My mom was with another man before my dad and had my sister with him. My sister never met her dad because he died or disappeared. He used to gamble apparently. But my mother was in need of a man no because, she is born in a country that is poor and immigrated in Canada. Obviously needed to Mary and get a husband because she had no skills and no education. My mom often says that women should not Mary for love, but for resources. My mom regrets her choices and said she should have married a handsome white man when she was pretty and young. She was like a princess at home she told me her brothers and sister did most of the work and her dad loved her very much. In contrast Her parents were very harsh and strict, and gave many rules. She said parents in her country were mean for no reason. Hitting their kids and yelling at them. People from my parent's country actually find animal cruelty to be a good thing and a normal thing. People also get robbed and the law is not very good. My mom worry a lot about what other parents thinks of her. She feels insecure that people realises that her son is not going to church. She feels insecure that people ask why I don't have a girlfriend. Sometimes she prefers me not to show up to an event to avoid shame. And sometimes she wants me to come to an event to avoid shame. I suppose this is selfish right? 1.4 Punishment I got hit for punishment in the past. Once for not eating my food, and once for being too eager to open Christmas presents in front of family member( I think she did it to not be ashamed in front of her niece) Because her niece Hits her son with her fists(punching)(her nieces punishment are harsher). Till today I see these punishments as justified. I was hit with a belt. My mom thought always refused that the men of the family punish the kids because the man is too strong. On another note my mom's niece was not a single mom but Her and the husband was in a bad marriage, The husband manned up(like we say), had no sex and gave all is money to the house(my mother considered him a good man for sacrificing is pleasure) but he divorced recently. Obviously my mom approved that the husband was an evil guy because he divorced (which he is not a bad man I know him), unfortunately I consider these punishment to myself somewhat justify, as the things I was punished for were not good. I was also yelled on by my mom a lot. And as a result at least 3 times in my life I have been yelled on by teachers and it made me cry. The last time it happened I was 22 years old. And even till now I feel a shame and feel weak for having cried. And I am afraid of that teacher you yelled at me, (i know he as anger problem etc) I had a tendency to cry if I got hit by people to much, this made me felt like a weak man also. It's difficult for me to see anarchy as a good thing. I wonder if the world can work without a leader. And can people really be great without punishment. These concepts are hard to accept for me. But if I can think critically, maybe I will approve of anarchy. If I had kid I might actually want to hit them out of anger. So it is a good thing I don't want kids in a way. I fear kids, I fear kids not obeying me, and feeling shame of them not obeying me. I am the kind of guy in a company that needs someone to tell him what to do, It is difficult for me to be assertive, but I made a lot of progress by practice. Oh and I want to a Now I don't know if this story help, One thing that helps me prove the theory of my counselors is. One thing that helps me prove the theory of my counselors is my older sister. 1.5 My Older Sister My sister is over 30 and still a virgin and on top of that never had a relationship and never dated and still lives at home with me and my mother. I am 25 years old but will leave next year at 26 years old. My sister has been having some women problems that might contribute to her not having kids if she waits longer. And my mom know this but she wants her to mary the kinds of men she . And my sis is still afraid to move out and on top of that she feels trapped by the obligation of the church and religion. She can't leave the church and the religion because she is afraid to lose all the friends including my mom's respect and my moms services which she depends on. She told my mom she wants to leave this church for a new church and my mom said that she doesn't want her to move out to a new church and my sister obeyed, that's 1 year ago. Recently my sis started to doubt religion but she is still a believer. She wishes she could travel but said she can't because of my mom debt and growing sickness. My sister wishes she could move out but is worried about my mom's health. My sister believes that she has an obligation to take care of my mother(just like the rule above), my sister feels very guilty to leave her. She is afraid of the consequences of leaving which are shame and abandonment of her family, I know the church and the family will judge her. My moms idea is that once my sister get married that my mom can live with my sister and her husband like a lot of people in my culture do. My sister disagree but did not present her disagreement with my mother. She told me thought. My sister did not want to buy a new car because she doesn't have the money finance. But she bought it because my mom needs it for the grocery and visits to the doctor. My sister told me she cannot refuse the request of my mom to get a new car. My sister is frustrated and unhappy she told me. I suggested see a counselor or therapist but no success. (For the therapist she can't because she is paying my mom's dept. and the rent. She is also afraid to see counselors because she is afraid to have nothing to say, I suppose it is guilt also. She did call one counselor once but then gave up She told me she will try again but first want to stay longer at home and get some more education for her career.. I used to hate my sister a lot. Because she always ordered me to do things for her that she can do herself, like going in the fridge to get stuff for her while she could. I hated her also because I felt guilty to disobey her because I had an obligation to obey my older siblings including her. I also hated her trying to be a second mom to me. She admitted this year that she dropped me on the floor when I was 1 or 2years old; she was 7-10 years old. She dropped me out of jealousy or something but she said she regret it and that she did not mean it. But I did lots of passive aggressive things too. My sister as a lot of weight problems, she loves to eat very sweat and salty stuff. She is self-conscious about her image, She is actually overweight, and unfortunately I can't like to her and feel the same as her so I can't help much on that part. 1.6 Religion At 7 years old I got converted to the protestant religion( I was told that everything I ask to god I will be given to me by god(a kid's dream)and that I can be protected from bad dreams and nightmares. And at 16 I got bored and stopped going to church at 18 years old and it caused a lot of hate and disagreement in all my family of around 15-25 people. I was a black a sheep. 1.7 My childhood and rejections I did not have the luxury to choose my style of fashion(but I thought all parents decided on that except for the lucky kids(the white kids)) so when I was 16 years old I hid my gothic clothing's in my school bag and redressed myself in the schools restroom school. At that period I had 2 personalities one at home and one at school. I also got into a lot of arguments with my parents and my sister. It always ended with them being right and me being ungrateful. Once confronted her about my style of fashion and whore my cloths in my house, I was 18., And she stripped me of my gothic accessories(not naked) So I went outside in the way she wanted me to dress and the next day I continued my game of concealing my fashion style. Now she doesn't prevent me to be what I want but at the same time I am not a gothic anymore. If I was a gothic of course it is bad because it represents Satan somewhat in her views. I dress my way now but she says it's wrong. She jokes about it and that I look like a beggar I laugh it with her of course. If I have bad fashion taste she tells me but I do what I want. The older I get the more I dress like in her ideology. Its seems. But it's not in my control. I wonder what happened. Maybe I just grew up and changed my style I suppose? Or I switched from pleasing my mother to pleasing women I am sexually attracted to. But mentally thought I evolved. So obviously there is no negotiation at home except for food. I could never sleep over at my friends or visit my friends except if they were black or that she knew the parents and that the parents were religious. My mom always believed what the news said. She believed that if I went to friend's house I can get abused, sexually abused or kidnapped. My friends at school (mostly white) thought it was weird. But that changed. And at age 20 I disobeyed and went to a party and slept over She got mad and I did it. 3 more times, my sister was against me also (against her own will). And then she my mom got less angry but always found ways to make me feel guilty for going to party and bars. For example if I come late home, the neighbours will judge we and we may lose our apartment because of you. That's her words. Just like me stopping to dress the way I loved I stopped partying or going to clubs and I wonder if it is me growing up or just the effect of what she wills. I know I hated having to argue all the time. My mother is a bit racist, hates gays and lesbians, hates non religion, hates man especially black men, seems to hate sex(seems like she never enjoyed it by a story she once told) Is always poor, as a lot of depts. And my sister pays most of her depts. And the depts. always come back it never ends. Her hope was for me and my sister to get careers. In her mind she had no choice to get in depts.(obviously she never learned about finance, my aunt did thought) and I help to pay sometimes too. Because me living in the house means I must help (like the rules above). In kindergarten apparently they wanted to transfer me to a special school because I never talked to nobody. My mom refused thought because she thought if I went to the special school I could become worst then what I was and I agree with her on that. (What she doesn't know is that it could be her fault). In elementary school I always had bad grades and always passed with the lowest grades possible, except for gym class and art class. My peers and friends loved my drawing skills. Once I had to go camping with the school, my mom refused to let me go. but the stubborn teachers knocked on the door and took me by force (the teacher did well because I loved that trip so much, it taught me a lot because now I love nature) my mom worries a lot of me getting killed or dying or getting kidnapped. In high school I had very bad grades except for the 3 last years. I could excel in art class, especially drama class and gym. But I was very depressed. I thought I was depressed because I could get no girls. I got bullied by a lot of people; I always let them bully me(it's almost like I was replicating my parents relationship without knowing it I guess). And being yelled at made me cry. I always had to work harder than others to pass in school. There was a lot of pressure to succeed in school because school is the only path to success and happiness (my parents did not get the opportunity of school) MY parents encourage school over pleasure, career over pleasure. So they discouraged me from activities like, except for ballroom style dances (because it in our culture) and ballet was gay so I could not do that. And of course in college I wanted to get girls even more but could not get them and school work was even more difficult, had to drink coffee every day and eat bad foods. At 22 years I went into a big big big depression, I had an anxiety attack during my sleep, Because I putted a lot of pressure in myself like getting a good career to help my poor mom and dad, Like helping my mom's family who lives in a poor country, like getting girls to have sex with me, to love me. To have a beautiful body, To be able to make my teacher appreciate me. And I exploded. My mom helped me and accepted that I take school slow. Only when I exploded did I get the right to get a break. That made me realise how a lot of business do the same, they work hard until they get a burnout. And they are praised for the burnout! I told myself never again. I started looking in communities like the Idle foundation and the whywork. Communities who wants to abolish the 40 hour work week etc. My mom even proposed that I take an easier major and of course a major of her choice. 1.8 Is my mom aware of what she is doing? But at the same time, is it her fault? She is born pretty much into religion, religion teaches bad things, She had bad influences (her cousin and single friends) and strict parents. She did not do much school beside maybe 1 or 2 years of adult high school maybe. This mean she doesn't know much about the law and about psychology or philosophy and she have difficulty speaking complex ideas in French. She doesn't believe in therapy only church. Church is the cure for everything for her. She thinks she can eat what she wants but god will cure her. She believes that if a kid is evil its not the parents fault. Probably the devil. Her philosophy is that a Parent is always right and the kid is always wrong. So each kid we know that did something bad it was always and is always the kids fault. Recently I challenged her on that subject but no negotiation was possible I had to be jokey about it. She was okey with manipulating man for services like help for groceries and work on the house and money, etc. As a result I am finishing college now in 5 years instead of 3years. So I have been in college for 7 years and it is only this year that I am getting a diploma, not a bachelor’s degree but a cegep diploma, it’s like an associate’s degree for Americans. And I was always having a hard time at school since I was young. I loved to dance but never got encouraged. They hated the field I took and only liked it when they saw I was somewhat good.at it I had to drink a lot of coffee every day to motivate myself to work in school, Always forcing myself to work. Always giving myself ridiculous standards of quality which I never reached. And I never reached them because I did not realise I was broken. I was told that maybe I am a.d.d. or a.d.h.d. My sister is very depressed and is mad at her 2. Guilt I am feeling guilt as whether I will help my mom when in old age. The thing is I don’t think I will be doing a high income career. I feel guilty of living on my own and letting my sister suffer longer supporting my mother. I feel guilty of leaving and I am afraid of the day that I will be considered an ingrate and selfish because I will be paying rent for myself instead of helping my family which is in the culture of my mom’s country. In her country kids stay with their mom and dad for a long time and help the parents in old age. Once she said that, kids are ingrate, they leave the house and create their own life and never come back and she said at least I have my daughter (my sister) to count on. What she doesn’t know is my sister is very angry and mad she just never expressed it to her. 3. My Love life I am a 25 years old virgin, and had only 2 relationships who lasted 2 weeks each until breakups. I had a lot of dates but now I realised I choose the wrong type of girls probably. And I was very shallow (((my mom and sister are very shallow too. Men must be good looking, have great career and get married and buy the women a lot of material things and pay the bills. He must be religious. Dressed clean and sharp like a normal citizen. And Women must have breasts, she can’t be skinny, she must be smart and independent. They love to judge a woman is pretty or not pretty etc.))) So I used to be very looks oriented. Now I need looks but only what I think looks good, not what the media think is good. And I need more than the looks. And now with philosophy and the Mgtow movement I am even more precise In what I want in a women. I do not want kids, I do not want to get married, I don’t know if I want a girl living at my place or not. I’d like to have sex with a virgin like me, buts going to be hard to find. If she is not a virgin its fine also. I am sometime thinking of getting a vasectomy. Because if the girl gets pregnant I will be clear with her that I don’t want to take care of the child. No child for me before 40 years old for sure. Sometime I thought of becoming a single dad lol. I don’t use pick up artistry anymore, for a while I would talk only to girls in activities that I practiced. I don’t go out too much with people I go out alone more often. Now I don’t approach at all, I only do my hobbies but I love to look at girls for their body and how sexy they are. But I do have conversation with women just for conversation sakes. But it’s hard for me to just be friends. I tend to love every girl who is kind and nice to me, almost like if I was trying to fill a hole in me So I stopped. I realised maybe I need to start serious therapy. I realised that being attracted to me (girls attracted to me) is not easy because I have ideas and views that are very different than most people and on top of that I tend to be reserved and not to talk too much except if I find similar views. Most days I can be happy single but some days I can’t avoid the feeling of loneliness and not being physically or intellectually a womens choice. Maybe it’s because I am living from my parent’s money and because I don’t have a career yet. Even though I see boys who live with their mom have girlfriend(maybe it’s because their family is more functional I don’t know) But At the same time I dodge a bullet, no unwanted pregnancy and no stds no aids. 4.Confusion I am very very very very confuse as whether she is good or bad, as she did not learn what is good parenting because every of her friends believe that this is the way also, actually some of her friends are way way way way worse. 5. Carreer goals I want to work a normal full time job 40hours a week a job that is very easy so that in the next 10 years I can dance and practice circus full time as a hobby.I don't want to be a freelance illustrator because that would take a lot of time of dancing. And working instudio would require I practice for another 1 year and would also take to much time of me dancing. After 10 year I was considering either something in dance or geography or coming back to illustration or doing graphic design. Subject like philosophy interest me but I don't think I want to be a professor. The thing is I spent 7 years of hard work not doing the things I love and sacrificing both my physical and mental health for a career that I probly wont be working in, at least for a long while, And I have 22 000$ in depts I must pay back in maximum 10 years. Dancing and circus will cost me 4000$ a year this includes dancing 4-5days a week with physical therapy and massage included. I had a lot of difficulty in jobs, had a lot of crazy boss, and boss who hated me for not beign social and also because I dont work fast an off and make to many mistake(forget stuff) The last job I had and the current job I had were both minimum wage but they like my work. It does suck I guess tobe 25 on minimum wage. but eh i can change that. I did a 3 month unpaid internship in my field already also. And I did not like the job. and this type of carreer would require me to sacrifice 1-2 more years when I already sacrificed 7 years. And I am moving out next year. Only reason I am home now is I wanted to have an education and a skill. and I wanted to do what everyone said was right which is get a degree or a diploma. And it would have been difficult for me to get an education out of home. Now at least I have an off skills for either getting a bachelors degree on my own or just go in the job market. My friend told me I should save 4000$ before living but I dont know if I can save that much while living were I am. Im actualy pretending to be ok were I live just so I could finish my education and save money.And at the end of the day, maybe I should have left at 18. Maybe the reason why school and work was hard was because I was home. Instead me I was thinking if i dont cook and pay cheap rent, it means I can succeed better. 6. Conclusion Now I feel more confident, I confront people arguments sometimes, I love some quality of my self, Now that I will graduate from my diploma(which I am not interested in pursing anymore) I can focus on my hobbies. I love my hobby. My counselour told me that I am a different men then 5years ago, I progressed so much, And as much as it is difficult for me to accept compliments I accept this. Things I accept that I am good at are Know how to figure out myself well Good at making structures even if I am a disorganised person Can express complex ideas( I think) I have been told that I am smart or wise( Im to modest to accept this one) I am good in arts and illustration( not to my standards but I accept it) Good dancer(natural skill) Good physical habilities(natural skills) Open minded Genious in art( hard to accept) Good leader in a team( hard to believe) WOW that was long. And that's only 60% Hopefully this can help assess the question on the top and I am open to comments in brief now my problems are, I need to be able to see thats wrong, I am so brainwashed. Because I always thought I was in the minority of not normal people but actually everyone is the same? And I am always under the impression that if everyone does it, its good. I am confuse about autority but I know that I want equality!! But I am not sure if in the capitalist system of the west if I can demand to be equal to my boss. Can I really be equal to my mom. I dont event know how to solve issues other than with violence. Once a girl was bothering me at work and I could do nothing at it than getting mad or quitting the job if she continued. Feel the first thing I want to do now is move far away So that I can develop the skills I need. I realise I am somewhat like my mom, I dont want to date or get married. And like my dad I try to work too much and forger pleasure, always trying to get stability. My dad knows how to negotiate thought because I seem him negotiate when he works in his business. Anyway Hope you can help me a bit. U dont have to read everything, read the parts you think can help me.