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Darliz is a girl I basically fell in love with. She's far away from me, so it was an online relationship. For a month or two, we skyped frequently and spent many nights reading eachother to sleep, leaving the connection open, listening to each other's steady slumber during the nights. We were aware that we weren't right for each other, but that wasn't enough, I wasn't honest enough with myself, to prevent my falling for her. This ended, and I'm still confused on why, but here's what happened: I was having major family problems and I wanted to talk with her about them but she didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't hide it any longer that I was really hurt that she wouldn't talk about it and demanded to know at least why. She tried to explain, but it was very shallow, like "there could be a lot of reasons people don't want to talk about certain topics and you're just gonna have to accept that even if u wouldn't do the same to them and deny them your input on a topic of their choice" she didn't help me understand what she was feeling, just tried to generalize. I recognize that this was probably because the topic made her very a anxious, and having been prone to panic attacks in the past, she took prudent action to prevent another one. I didn't know anything about that at the time tho. This was the beginning of the end for us, and I continued in the same vain for about a week, trying to get her to explain, but that only made it worse. She blocked me on FB, blocked my number, and stopped responding to anything I sent her. I became so desperate that I got a random number from a texting app and called her on that about a week later. Pressing the call button was terrifying. I was trembling and when she picked up the phone I was unable to speak coherently. I had thought she knew who the number was cuz I had sent her a message or two indicating that it was me, but she didn't know it was me till I said so, at which point she hung up. I called again and when i confirmed that it was me, she said I was starting to get really annoying and hung up. I couldn't speak the whole time, trembling and on the verge of tears, I was inarticulate. I think I mumbled something like "Darliz, please..." Before she hung up the last time. With sobs, I texted her (tho only later did I realize that it probably was already blocked and so she probably never saw the text) that I'd never contact her again and cried myself to sleep, barely holding back gallons of tears in school the next day. For a few months, i forgot about her and met some other girls (these relationships at least didn't include fusion as with Darliz) but now, idk what's causing it exactly, but I am reminded of her more often, find myself looking at her YouTube account (feeling pathetic and like a stalker) a lot, feeling a crushing emptiness in my chest, a constriction of many muscles in my body, at the realization that she liked some video just 6 hours previous. A scene from no movie in particular comes to mind where I'm behind a one way glass watching my wife being brutally brainwashed out of love with me and all I can do is sit there in my harness and cry... Ah, 1984 comes to mind... Idk, anyway... Tonight I feel the strongest urge yet to contact her through various methods. I'm not even sure why. I feel a desire for the fusion, infatuation, fake love that we had. I won't deny that. I want to fall asleep with her again, want to hear her (abso-freaking-lutely astonishing) singing voice like a heavily accented song bird in my ear, dedicated to me. I want to write her poems and sing to her again, want to spend all nights talking about all sorts of things, and enjoy those long moments of silly, stupid, giddiness - eternities in which all we can do is look at each other and smile like fools. Yea, I want that, but, I know, to my detriment. I know that it was a doomed relationship. She is neither emotionally healthy nor virtuous, but the feelings she garnered haven't been experienced since, and I know deep in my bones that it's gonna be a long fucking time before they come again, unless I let myself fuse with another, which I'm not going to do if I can help it. I also feel alone in a particular way. Normally, I'm confident, curious, and stable. This is the strongest and one of the only phenomenon which brings me to my knees as described above, and what's worse is that I don't have anyone in my life outside of contacts from this site to talk to and actually get anywhere in a conversation about this. Most conversations I have about this are short and unhelpful with people outside this community. Any thoughts are appreciated, I know I can count on y'all to give me quality feedback.