Search the Community

Channel Topic: Navigating toxic relationships Format: Monologues pinpointing manipulative behavior through personal stories, using terms associated with disordered personality. The subject matter is very very serious, but he manages to make light of it all and he is one of a kind. Needless to say, I don't agree with him in everything; he's not entirely philosophically consistent but his ideas and flow of presentation are brilliant and have helped me tremendously. In an incredibly head-tripped stressful time for me his videos helped me to navigate toxic relationships and isolate horrendously toxic behaviors in manipulative relationships. He's helped me as I learn to identify and treat those behaviors as seriously dysfunctional. These are my three favorite videos from his channel, I hope you find the information and his personal insights to be of help or use to you. P.s.: His voice will grow on you! P.p.s.: thank you Sacha Sloan on FDR and YouTube for recommending his channel to me!

Just published my first article on Medium! Check it out! https://medium.com/self-knowledge-daily/cutting-the-fog-770fbcc39b52#.vc8j5uu3a 4 Tips for Practicing a Higher Level of Honesty Most people don’t intend to be dishonest. Few people go around actively telling lies to others. However, most lies, and the lies that arise from fog, are denials we tell ourselves. This kind of dishonesty comes out of unawareness and can be detrimental to relationships. Fog is a state of disconnection with the self. It is often marked by confusion and evasion. For example, a coworker asks you what you did last night. The image of you alone, binging on pizza and Netflix on the floor of your bedroom in your underwear, flickers through your head, as does a creeping feeling of shame, but you immediately suppress the emotion. When you are fogging, you do not fully connect with the feeling of shame because your body registers it as a bad feeling, one you need to run away from. Fight or flight mode gets activated within your own mind against yourself. It isn’t wrong or dangerous to tell your coworker that you were “taking it easy” the night before, no need to over disclose or create social awkwardness, but it is dangerous to lie to yourself. Suppressing the feelings of shame doesn’t make those feelings disappear. Fog clouds your feelings, and prompts little lies that erode the sense of self. Keep in mind that I am not advocating for stating everything you are feeling all the time, that would obviously be socially inappropriate. Openness with others is only a virtue when it has boundaries and containment, but that is different from the level of honesty you have with yourself. Also, I do want to mention that cultivating more honesty with myself is a work in progress for me. I am not an expert. I’m still learning the cues from my body and emotions and how to listen to them. It’s a process of decoding messages from my instincts. These are some the strategies I use to cut the fog: 1. Slow Down Take a breath. When you are talking quickly, thinking quickly, or in a situation you perceive a pressure to answer immediately you’re more likely get confused and foggy. When I feel this way sometimes I excuse myself to the bathroom, and in the space of 60 or 90 seconds I can center myself and have a clearer idea of how I feel. And, being an introvert, I think getting a minute and a half of solitude gives me a lot of strength. (Though this tactic does backfire when you are with a group of girls who all want to go to the bathroom together!) 2. Be Gentle with Yourself Self-compassion is so important as you try to cut the fog. Internally resisting your feelings is like fighting the wind. Behavior is voluntary; you are in control of your actions, but emotions are involuntary responses and not in your control. The parts of your body, which speak up to tell you how you feel, get really scared when another part of you is yelling at them to shut up. Be gentle with those little parts, they are trying to help you! Also, remember that perfection is an impossible standard. Everyone makes mistakes. We are only human. Errors in memory and judgment happen all the time, and that’s ok. The real test is how you handle making those mistakes. If you are busy beating yourself up, you will be less likely to make amends or correct the error. 3. Learn About Yourself Did you ever play Age of Empires? The map of the world in the game is totally dark until you send explorers around to uncover the darkness. Think of your mind as a big map that needs to be explored. Ask yourself questions and be curious. How do you feel? What are your preferences? What are your deepest needs? What do you want from life? Send little scouts out in your mind and heart to get a lay of the land! 4. Practice Practicing is vital because you are creating new neural pathways within your brain. You have to form a new path, like a forester building a trail. He has to cut through branches and brush to make a proper walkway, and he has to maintain the path by walking it frequently and cleaning up any debris that falls to the earth. The best place to practice cutting the fog is with a therapist. I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years, and it has been invaluable (especially in the last year since I incorporated philosophy into my therapeutic work). You can also practice by frequently checking in with yourself and exploring your thoughts and feelings through journaling, self-talk, and even mood tracking apps on your phone. Practicing with close friends can also be very helpful, as long as they are empathic, compassionate, and safe people to be vulnerable with. Feeling scared of what a friend will think? Tell them. You don’t have to divulge your deepest darkest secrets if you don’t want to, but be honest about why. Are you ashamed? Are you scared? Figuring out how and why you feel the way you do will offer you enormous clarity in your life and relationships. Conclusion The false self that develops from denying your feelings is exhausting to maintain. When you evaluate the cost-benefit analysis of trying to be someone you’re not, it is far easier just to be your authentic self. The old advice, be yourself, is cliche for a reason. Self-knowledge is an ongoing process, which I’m definitely still working on and developing everyday. There is no quick fix, no Age of Empires-esque reveal map cheat code in real life, but, much like the game, the hard work makes the win much more gratifying.

Part three in my three-part article series on the voice of reason. "We’ve already established why and how disconnected people react when in confrontation with reality, and that in order to remain in denial and disconnection one has to ignore trauma and silence reason—that of other people and in themselves. Here, I will talk about the personal and social effects of being a voice of reason." Read more here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/02/silencing-voice-of-reason-part-3-pros.html

Part two in my three-part article series on silencing the voice of reason. "Having principles carries a lot of weight. Your thoughts and emotions dictate your behavior. So if you have a certain mindset, you will act in a certain way. When you live in a highly delusional and unprincipled society as ours, having principles and applying them consistently requires enormous inner strength and courage. Your life is different than that of most people; your priorities are different than most people’s; your relationships are different; you see things that other people don’t see. And when you describe those things, people who are highly invested in staying unprincipled and irrational—that is the majority of our population—get upset and unruly." Read more here: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/02/silencing-voice-of-reason-part-2-values.html

I'm often amazed by the level of discussion people, who think most politicians are corrupt, go into over all sorts of policy details. I think engaging in these debates adds credibility and hope where there should be none and distracts from what we should be doing, which is continuously driving the discussion back to the founding problem we have with any form of elected government. For a democratic decision to be made, voters must be able to make an informed choice. For voters to make an informed choice, candidates must be transparent and honest about what they intend to attempt and, once elected, be accountable to trying primarily to achieve those things. When you buy a sandwich you have the right to a list of ingredients and money back guarantee if those ingredients are missing. When you buy a service that is not provided you have the right to you money back. When you buy a candidate (with your vote, worth about £42k over 5 years in the UK) you have very few rights. So when you do engage in a high end political discussion, or interact with a seemingly lovely stranger on your doorstep who sings the praises of another stranger who the would like you to vote for. Please drive the discussion back to where it should be. Do not vote for a strangers stranger without requiring them to provide you with the 'Voter Consumer Rights' you and your community need and deserve to be protected from rip off merchants. If an educated public can not even request facts from representatives seeking election...we are far from ready for functioning anarchy. https://www.facebook.com/smart.voter.org/photos/pb.1415501838715507.-2207520000.1443447230./1625156991083323/?type=3&theater Please consider the system suggested in http://smart-voter.org

Hello good people, I made a new blog post called 'Being Honest About Being Honest'. It's my first real blog so don't give me feedback... okay, maybe a little. If you like the writing you can subscribe at http://unconsciousconnection.com ~Matt

I asked my mother today why she wears makeup, mainly to see what she would say. Her and my grandmother both said they wear it to feel good about themselves. So I proposed a scenario where they're the only people in the world and they held their position and said they would still put on the make up. I pointed that this is illogical because make up is used to make yourself more attractive and with no one to appreciate it there's no point in putting it on. At which point my grandma snaps in at my moms rescue with some bullshit about how we each have our separate opinions. About a month ago I had a similar conversation with an attractive tattooed girl who also claims that if she were the only person alive she would still get tattoos (provided of course there is some magic machine that can do the tattooing). This is also illogical I think, tattooing is painful and tedious, so with no one but herself to appreciate the art you may as well put it on a piece of paper instead of your body, right? In both conversations I was easily frustrated because I thought they were lying to avoid admitting they do things to get attention. But now I think they honestly believed what they said. I still don't buy it but I am not a girl and I don't use makeup. Why is it so hard for most women to admit their real reasons and motives? Is there anyone who can confirm what I'm saying?

Hi folks, recently a woman whom I have known since the first of this year revealed to me she was attracted to me and was fairly aggressive in her pursuit of me. This is the first time this has happened that I recall. I have a casual working relationship with this woman. Her husband is much older and his health is very bad. Lets call her Dolly. Her home life sounds like taking care of the elderly in a nursing home. Dolly has a little jewelry shop in a store run by another woman I'll call Stephanie. I run a small business next to Stephanie's. Both of these women are religious statists. I am not the type to flirt generally, and I never would unless I found the flirtee attractive. I have no attraction to either of them and they are both married anyways. Dolly & Stephanie have been friends for at least 10 years. The first hint I had was an email Dolly sent me saying "the next time you see me just kiss me damn it". I replied with a ? I thought I had missed something in one of her earlier emails. Dolly came over to my business just before closing time when nobody was there with me, and wanted me to play a CD. As it began to play she asked me to dance and I said what? As she moved towards me I moved away and said I can't dance with my limpy leg. I kept turning away to avoid her. She finally gave up. I've been on the other side of similar situations and know how much it hurts to be rejected that way, so I am empathetic to her position. But I felt very uncomfortable. All three of us often sit around a table when business is slow to have a quick sandwich or coffee and talk about trivial things or community activities usually. They typically find something to do whenever I talk about real issues or question the rationality of their statements. Dolly is always trying to do things for me, like make me lunch or cut my hair, or buy me a soda. There is an awkward silence whenever Stephanie leaves the two of us alone at the table. I asked Dolly the day after she asked me to dance if she has told anyone about her attraction to me and she said no. I believe she hasn't told Stephanie b/c Stephanie takes her religion more seriously than Dolly and her behavior would probably not go over too well. Plus Dolly's jewelry shop is in Stephanie's store. But they do have quite a long history so Stephanie may know. I feel a tension to ask Dolly why she feels drawn to me (they both know I'm no longer religious and how much I think the state is morally wrong) or why she thinks there's hope I'll ever be attracted to her, but I'm uncomfortable and afraid my questions would be misconstrued as romantic interest. So I'm posting this here to see what the FDR community thinks and hear any comments you may have on my situation. What would you do in this situation?

I am not sure how to start this. For quite some time now, I have felt ambiguous towards the FDR community. On one hand, I see the community as one of the most beautiful things on this planet, if not the most beautiful. The honest, kind people it is inhabitated by. The flourishing of ideas, the unwavering support to eachother, is beyond words. But, on the other hand, I feel like I am not part of it. That I am alien to it. That my interactions here, from my side, are false, self-serving, vain, evil. Sure, some of it has been self-serving, and yes, some vanity has driven me here. But it isn't core to WHY I am here, it is a sandcastle on a beach, that I am certain of. But, a part of me blows these acts of vanity and self-serving out of porportion, judging me as sinister, as not worthy of being in this community. Although, I think to myself, I am not engaging a whole lot with the community. Is it then really that weird if I don't feel like I am a part of it? And then I realize, after a while, something I have concluded before: I am afraid of trying to connect with people, both in real life and here on the boards. Several factors play into this. For one, I find it hard to empathize with people. Like, sometimes, if I hear of something terrible someone has been through, I feel next to nothing. And I understand that others DO feel something in response to hearing the same thing I am hearing (happens a lot when Stef is talking with callers). And I hear a voice say ''You are a broken human being! Disgusting.'' Based on that, I deduct that I will have a harder time connecting with people, because I cannot fully sympathize with them. Another part of it, is me fearing to talk with people in general. When I think of doing just that, I hear inside myself, that I will not bring anything of worth to the table. That I will waste the other persons time. This is reflected greatly in my life, where I might want to engage in conversation with someone I know or want to get to know, but I do not dare. ''Maybe they are busy, I shouldn't disturb.'' Or, ''If they wanted to talk with me, they'd start talking to me''. Anyway, it really hit me yesternight. I broke down into absolute despair, crying like I have never cried in my life before, for an hour, truly realizing that I want to be part of this community, so badly. But that I feel like I am unable to acomplish it. That either I will keep myself from trying to be a part of the community, or attack myself when I try to be a part of the community. And it was tearing me apart, still is. Because I want it so badly. I connection, real, deep connection, with this community. Because, the people that it is made out of, are so wonderful, so brave, so honest. And I so want to be a part of that. I can feel the tears well up behind my eyes as I am writing this. I want it so much. And the thought of never feeling like I was connected to this oasis of human goodness, going to the grave without having had that, is so grim, is so terrifying. Before, when I have experienced these feelings, heard these thoughts, I have 99% of the time, went into solitude. Tried to find my answers in logic, in books. Numbed the pain with video games, and with embracing the voices telling me that I am broken, that I am forever lost. That strategy, of isolating when feeling isolated, has not worked so far. So that's why, I now reach out, put out my emotional state, my thoughts, and my feelings. Hoping that I can break my loneliness. Something that has crossed my mind, is that ''Maybe I don't know how to connect with people? Maybe I don't speak that language. That I can only connect if others engage me first, that I just know how to be passive and reactionary?'' I don't know whether this is true or not. The title just came to me. Yesternight, in my despair, something came to me: Maybe, I am having a Simon the boxer experience, but instead of boxing, I am isolating myself from others? It makes some sense to me. For 10 years of my life, from the age 6 to 16, I was bullied, both verbally and physically, but mostly verbally. From age 10, I started to actively avoid people. I worked hard to make as little noise as possible, to avoid being noticed by bullies. And home was my sanctuary, where I was free from school-bullies, free to numb the pain with hours upon hours of video games. But no connection. My mom was, and still is, a selfish, cruel, sadistic, evil women, who'd make fun of me, make fun of my preferences, and yell at me. And my father, he acted as if I didn't exist. Unless he felt like I needed to be put to work, because he thought In was lazy. I have known, for all of my existence, there has been only one thing that has been a constant for my father: That he has always, always been a disapointment to him. That I have always failed him. it's always been there, in the background, in his eyes and in his voice. I noticed that I didn't describe my feelings for my father as I did with my mother. Or, rather, the truth about who he is. I don't know why. Maybe I am still chained to him emotionally in some way, because the words don't seem to come as easy to me when I am writing about him. I am sorry if this post is confusing. I am, myself, feeling all over the place while I am writing this. If you have made it this far, thank you. Really. It's a lot of text. I hope that this can set me on the path of understanding this part of my being. If you feel that I have missed an obvious important point/connection/contradiction, whatever it might be, please, feel free to be as honest with me as you possibly can. This is me, breaking my emotional isolation.

In a couple of days I'll be doing this little speech in front of an audience. It's a fortnightly event called the Village Circle that people in the local community here on the Gold Coast (queensland, australia) have organized. The kinds of people that have been coming might be said to have hippy-ish tendencies---into their organic food, permaculture, concerned about fluoride in their water, chemtrails, gmo-food, the general epic fail that is government, etc. (bit of a spiritual vibe in there too of course)... But I feel above all that they're just frustrated with the lack of any real solutions to the issues in our world.... It's only been happening for about 3 months so far, and I think we don't really know what we're doing, but it's a cool thing to be a part of and I'm looking forward to seeing how much philosophy I can inject into this space over time.... =)Each week there's someone from the community that speaks for about 40mins, then there's a raw vegan organic meal offered for $3 (that's probably less than cost price, most of the food being donated by local organic farms and made by volunteers)... Then the last 40mins or so people break up into groups they call 'solutions circles', these are more specific topics, so there's a permaculture group, an anti-fluoride group, there's a men's group that i've joined, a bunch of others...Anyway, though i've never done any public speaking, but I love these ideas that are the fdr conversation, self-knowledge/nap/rtr/upb, I love what fdr is about and I feel compelled to share this stuff!... So I just asked if I could speak for 5-10mins, told them it would be about communication and relationships and that's about it…So this is going to be fun =) It's awesome to be level 0 at something and begin the journey of progression…. Life: Next Chapter. <3-------I'll be saying something like this, I'd be very grateful for feedback from the fdr massive =)this is my first time doing any public speaking since high school… it's somewhat terrifying standing up here in front of you all, but i'm very passionate about these ideas i'm about to share with you and so, despite being ridiculously busy with the new business i've started with my beautiful partner, i decided to just go for it so here i am =)i've been coming to a bunch of these village circle meetings, and it's been so awesome to see people coming together to talk about such vital issues… in fact, it's awesome to see people come together to talk about anything that's not just sports or celebrities or politics or the weather---to talk about something real… so you guys are all awesome and thank you!…but i must confess that some of this stuff we talk about is really daunting for me, chemtrails, fluoride, GMO-food, vaccinations, ending the fed, oppressive governments all over the world, the monetary system, the encroaching police state, the fukushima meltdown---argh!, there's so much going on and even though i try and keep myself well-informed and especially with so much conflicting information, it's often hard to know just what what to think let alone what to do about it!….but i think all these topics have a common thread and that thread is 'freedom'… so tonight i'd just like to talk for a few minutes about an even more basic freedom, and maybe it's one of the most fundamental of all, and yet it's something that's attainable by all of us right now… that is the freedom to be honest, the freedom to have real and truly genuine one-on-one relationships…i mean, what use is getting the fluoride out of the water if we can't even have a real conversation with the ones we love ?...it's so important to be able to show our true selves to people, without masks, without walls, without telling them what we think they want to hear... just perfectly open communication channels such that we can explore ourselves and each other without fear...because i believe that honesty is intimacy… and that, in the absence of honesty, there can be no relationship but only fog and illusion…but with the ones we love, those people with whom we believe we have a deep and genuine relationship, if we can't be honest, then we have to ask ourselves why that is, what's stopping us…?are we afraid of how they'll react ?… afraid that they might judge us in some way ?… or maybe we know exactly how they'll react and we're avoiding that knowledge… maybe we're seeking comfort in the illusion…but that's not how i want to live, i want to live in reality...so tonight i just want to share something i've learned, it's like the ultimate way to discover if you have a real and genuine relationship with someone… the ultimate way to talk about something real…and that is simply to honestly report your feelings in the moment… i'll say that again… to honestly report your feelings in the moment… and that's it.so if you're feeling angry… you say "i'm feeling angry"… and that's it… but you say it without judgement, without assigning a cause, without demanding something be done about it… just say it in the spirit of honesty and vulnerability and from a place of curiosity, invite the other persons empathy and explore the emotion together…that's how we can gain objectivity on ourselves, that's how we can gain self-knowledge…because maybe the emotion is appropriate, maybe it's not… maybe they'll be surprised, maybe they knew it all along but were afraid to bring it up… maybe they'll be honoured that you'd share that with them, maybe they'll recognise the strength it took to be vulnerable in that way, to have shared your true self with them...i like to call this Real-time Relationships…and there's such immense power in this, because no one can ever challenge you on that, no one can dispute how you feel inside…and if the person you're talking to has empathy and is genuinely interested in you and your well-being they will be curious and ask why… they'll want to explore that emotion with you, discover where it comes from...i believe relationships are like celestial bodies orbiting one another… but there's no such thing as a stable orbit and either we're getting closer or we're drifting apart---and honesty brings us closer… in a universe of constant change there is no standing still, either we grow together or we grow apart… either we evolve or we dissolve…so it's a matter of putting your feelings out there, which can often be a scary thing, especially for us men who are so often taught that being "strong" means hiding our emotions… but that's wrong, hiding emotions is a weakness… and we should never need to hide our emotions from the one's we love…and it's so important to do this in the moment as the feelings begin to arise… because whatever we don't express will end up getting repressed and eventually, as time goes on and the pressure builds there'll be an emotional explosion which serves no one…of course, it's easy to tell someone you're feeling happy or feeling good… but to tell someone you're sad or depressed isn't so easy…carl jung wrote that "The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering"…so don't hide your suffering, express it and experience it, set it free...and that's why it's so vital to teach children about emotions, particularly to give them names for emotions so that they can express their feelings with their words rather than having to act them out… give them the ability to tell us they're angry or frustrated instead of having to throw a tantrum...and sometimes we don't know how we're feeling, or we're confused or we don't know what to say… but this still applies… it's ok to say "i'm feeling confused", "i don't know what to say", "i'm scared", "i need help"… and then to be open and vulnerable enough to explore the reasons why…and of course all this comes back to the highest value, and that is self-knowledge… like the famous inscription in ancient greece at the oracle at delphi: "know thyself"…and that takes empathy and a deeper connection with ones' true self… who am i ?… how do i feel ? and why ?……finally let me just say that we don't owe everyone we meet total honesty and when the person at the checkout at the servo asks "how are you?", there's no obligation to be 100% honest….as my favourite living philosopher likes to say: "the truth is not a sword to be drawn at all costs"but please, please, be honest with the ones you love, share with them your true self, remember that honesty is intimacy and it's the best and only way to grow together… have empathy and encourage it in others by being curious about them… and above all: know thyself.much love and thank you all ! =)

After years of distance I've been scared to make the vulnerable and honest phone call to my sister to talk about how I feel about our non-existent relationship and how it makes me feel that she facebooks or texts me once or twice a year to tell me she loves me despite the facts that we haven't talked in years and she knows next to nothing about me, or how I feel that she calls me at Christmas despite the fact I'm atheist and our last attempt at debate on the topic was bordering aggression and belittling on her part.She called me this Christmas and left me a voicemail wishing me Merry Christmas, and a week later text me asking for my address I would assume to send me a card for my birthday that just passed, and I felt compelled to call her to have the terrifying conversation that would involve me being vulnerable and honest about my feelings and to ask her what she thinks or feels about my feelings regarding our relationship. Despite my knowledge that text messaging is woefully inadequate for these matters, my gut terror at the idea of calling her motivated me to start with text. I have been thinking for months that asking for her thoughts on male circumcision could be a fruitful litmus test for her ability to acknowledge my likely contrasting thoughts and feelings on a topic since she is a registered nurse at a children's hospital. This could have just been my unconscious protecting me from what it knew would come from this kind of interaction or maybe my false self finding excuses to not engage whole heartedly, or my true self preventing unnecessary brutality toward my own feelings, I don't know.I dove in via text, and this all occurred within about twenty minutes via text message. I was physically shaky and terrified as it all occurred and had a hard time texting with accuracy. Separate from our family dynamic I found her responses to be remarkably obtuse with contradictions and defenses abound, but I made special effort to not even take a position or argue the details as that was not the purpose of this exchange, rather to draw out the memories in me of who she was and still is which, given my body's physical responses before this exchange was even underway, was successful and revealing from the get go. But here it is, word for word:Me: Have you seen any of the information debunking the efficacy of circumcision and highlighting that it is actually genital mutilation? Sister: Ummm.. First of all, babies don't even cry when they get it done bc they are given sugar water. Second it's purely cultural not something weird and cruel. I probably would not but (boyfriend) is English so it's not in his culture anyway. Me: Oh that's interesting. I'd be interested in talking about it further with you since you seem to think its all right under the umbrella of culture. Sister: I mean I don't really want to have a discussion on circs I'm pretty unbiased since I see them done often. There is really no point to do it other than "looks" bc it's not really any more hygienic Sister: Can I just get your address Sister: Lol Me: No actually this is very important topic for me and is meaningful to me. It's also very important to me that the people in my life who love me are curious about my thoughts on a matter like this. Me: So I see the extent to which you aren't interested in discussing this with me or being curious about my thoughts on it as very related to your actual interest in me. Sister: (boyfriend) is uncirced you can talk to him about it lol Sister: Brian you don't even fucking call me back on Christmas and you want to come at me over circumcision?? Me: Are you available to talk? Sister: Not at the moment Me: Why not? Will you be available later on? No response. A couple mornings later I had a missed call from her that she would have made at 2am her time on a Saturday night, which leads me to believe she was drunk when she called. This reminded me of an outburst she had while drunk toward one of my brothers that my brother told me about. He said it was terribly uncomfortable and our sister verbally attacked his girlfriend in ways that made him feel like she was jealous of his girlfriend somehow. A little extra background: I'm 30, my sister is 24 or 25, and over the past seven years we have had very little interaction. I am in the preparation phase of deFOOing and have began honest conversations with my three younger brothers regarding family corruption, their experiences, their thoughts and my thoughts on our current relationships with one another and motivating factors for our lack of connection over the yearsMy sister is known in the family for being hateful and bullying toward those who oppose her or those she does not agree with or those she feels have wronged her in some way. She is aggressive in language and volume, yelling, etc.The last time I was around her was about two years ago at a small family meetup with small talk and no substance, I made an effort to be positive and friendly and had not yet been introduced to philosophy. I'm posting this as a window of insight for anyone who is interested in the very beginning phase of these terrifying conversations.