Search the Community

When do you decide to let friends go, and what are the criteria for that decision? My fiance and I have been discussing this between ourselves. We both have a friend that tends to disappear and show back up sometimes with up to a year without having contact with us. The partners of both friends are also not exactly people that we admire. One is distant, and one treats the friend badly. I have said that I would no longer call them friends without contact. He disagrees. Thoughts?

As the title indicates, I'm on the hunt for an old episode of the show in which Stef was talking to a woman about her marriage, in which she and her husband functioned under very traditional roles. She described him tackling family issues by taking her input, and then ultimately being the one to make the decision. I remember her saying something like it was a structure that people often misunderstand and think she's being oppressed, but it was what worked for them and she felt secure and trusted her husband. She gave the example of if the family were to move, that was primarily his decision because he was the one with the job and providing the resources. She had final say over household and child-rearing things. Something like that. I was under the impression that this was an interview show, not a call-in, but I could be wrong. And I'm not thinking of the Suzanne Venker episodes, those were the first I looked up. Ballpark early 2016, is what I'm thinking for when it came out. I've combed over the show logs, but I just can't seem to locate it. Does anyone remember the show I'm talking about?

Hello everyone, I have come to ask for help because I don't trust any groups of people to have an objective point of view. Sorry for the essay. I've been dating my current girlfriend for 8 months now, and about 5 weeks ago I started to notice and look at other women a lot. This has made me question my feelings a lot as I'm not sure as this strange desire for infidelity has been brought by my subconscious to try to make me break up with my girlfriend. Some introductions and context in blue in case you want to skip it: I am 25, Half mexican half american Living in mexico. I'd say in the looks department I'm about a local area 9/10, global 7/10. I don't drink and the only drug I do on occasion (3 or 4 times a year) is weed. I have engaged in highly illegal things in the past, although all of them were victimless. I suspect these may be self destructive behavior. I have thought about suicide (16 y/o) but looking back I think I may have just been dramatic to get my way. My father was in my house but didn't speak much to me and my mother always told me shit to make me hate him (that stopped about 15y/o). I was never hit, only slapped once in the face. I have slept with 25 ish women (memory is hazy as most were one night stands) My girlfriend is 19, Brazilian. Looks: local area 8/10, global 6/10. She likes going to raves every month/few months and likes doing ecstasy there. She does smoke weed 1 or 2 times a week when she lives with me (never at parent's house) she had been depressed for a year before meeting me because her parents moved to another city with no friends). She was beaten many times by her mother and her father worked a ton and was tired when he did see her or he'd drink and listen to music. She has also contemplated suicide. She claims to have slept with only 4 people, including myself. She says she doesn't know what to do in her life. We met in brazil in a hostel (October maybe) (she was from another city) and had sex on the second day of knowing each other. I'd say the things that attracted me about her were youth, she speaks perfect english, is relatively smart, weighs 110lb / 48 KG, and had that look that just made me want to get up in her business. I know she was not on the pill during that time so her pheromones probably gave me rabies too. Oh and of course: she's libertarian-ish. I talked to her about a few complex topics and was able to shift her point of view based on logic, which is a GIANT plus to me. When I first tried kissing her, she said she was "seeing someone", and that she felt guilty about kissing me (she was the one that suggested we go out in the first place). I didn't care. I went to visit her where she lived a week later. she did not introduce me to her parents as they thought she was still a virgin, so she had to lie to be with me those few days, and on all the future outings/trips. Every time we had sex, it was without condoms and it was always pull out. She took a few morning after pills here and there as a precaution. She did on one occasion tell me I should trust nobody in life, not even her (she later said she was joking). She also told me once that if she was me, she'd be out having sex with as many women as possible(she recently explained that she said that because thats what all dudes her and my age try to do). At some point I did tell her about the illegal things I was doing, she said she suspected so, and chose to stay with me anyway. After about two months of knowing each other and meeting on weekends, I had to return to Mexico and I convinced her to come with me. She was fed up with brazil and was almost over her design course, so she accepted. I left on DEC 1 and she joined me on DEC 17. I was her first time out of brazil. She went on the pill when she arrived to Mexico to avoid pregnancy. I don't know if it was the pills, but around 15th of January she lost a lot of libido and for the first time in our relationship we went a whole week without sex. I was still very horny and was plagued with insecurity as she rejected my attempts for that whole week. That week I lost a lot of attraction for her as I thought she didn't like me anymore, so when she regained her libido, It was hard for her to turn me on, and on one occasion I even had to imagine another girl as I was having sex with her to be able to enjoy it. A few days later sex returned to normal, although a lot less than our pre-pill days (then it was every day). Some negatives about my girl: she gets easily irritated sometimes when arguing about the best way to do something(best way to sweep, how to pluck hairs, etc) and she shuts down, but with some other more complicated things she listens (like philosophy). she often ignores my experience in certain topics, when I clearly have much more than she does (example: travel) and does what she wants, to later find out I did actually know what I was talking about. She claims to be a feminist, but I think she largely miscategorizes herself and I would call her an egalitarian, especially considering what modern feminism is. She is very lazy sometimes and gives up easily. although she is skinny, she is out of shape and has no endurance. I am the opposite as I play beach volleyball every day. When she's feeling lost and without purpose she prefers to stay indoors all day in stead of come with me and at least watch the beach volleyball game. she prefers sitting on the beach and doing nothing. She has a lot of anxiety and often gets fed up when we start arguing about certain topics. A great negative for me is that she has never had an orgasm in her life ( or is having orgasms but doesn't know what "counts" as one). Try as I might, I cannot get her to do it. With women that have experienced orgasm before, I have always been able to get them to have one, I have been with a few women who say they have never had one and with them I was unable to as well. It definitely makes me feel worth a little less as I cannot make her have the same pleasure as I do. In a way it has made me a better lover as I have strived for longer and more intense intercourse, but all my effort is to no avail. With what I have been able to do to her, I now wonder how other women with orgasmic capability would react, and I crave the feeling of accomplishment that I would get from being able to deliver the pleasure to them with my new abilities. I feel as this is another contributing factor to my recent interest in other women. I don't know what "love" feels like, nor do I know if I do or have ever loved my girlfriend. I enjoy her company, and I like having her around. I fear losing her because I don't know if I'll ever find another free thinker that I'm attracted to. I don't know if I love her or if I'm just afraid to be alone. I don't want to go into the dating world again. I don't want to build other relationships because its hard for me to find women I'm attracted to physically and mentally. I got in a fight with a dude where I live and she had my back... her ferocity and anger toward that dude filled me with admiration for her... but I wouldn't say that most of the other time I am filled with admiration for everything she does. as I said she gives up with a lot of the small things, but then she soldiers on through other small things well.... ahhh its all so complicated in my mind. About children: she says she wants to wait at least 2 years, maybe 5 or maybe 10. I don't want to wait 10. I don't really want to wait 5 either. But I do not want to rush and bring a person into a world and fail them. She says she wants to travel, do things that you can't do wen you have children ( extreme sports, backpacking, etc) and I always say you CAN do those things, you just need to change little things here and there. I will add that when she's around children she starts telling me she wants kids.. right now she's with her mom and thats probably making her feel like a kid again (she will return to mexico in a week or two) I will be starting a new business in the next few months, If it works I will be making 100k a year and the subsequent year I will reach 1 mil unless i get government pushback (Mexico is a corrupt place... my competition might not play fair), so money won't be an issue. Sorry for the essay, I put in all the info because it is probably relevant. Anyone have any insight? should I break up with her and find another woman who is more developed? should I stay with her and see how I feel at the 1 year mark? should I avoid babies at all cost with her? is she a good candidate? am I a good candidate? help. If anyone would like some more relevant info, please feel free to ask. Thanks in advance

Here is proof that women are as perfectly capable of levels of violence and abuse as men.

The title is the brief of it. I have 3 uncles and one aunt on my mother's side. All were horribly abused by my grandmother who beat the shit out of them on a regular basis though my most successful uncle is the youngest and the least physically abused from what I have been told by my mother. He was also "the baby" of the 5 and thus given the most attention and care by his elder siblings. My grandfather worked all day and spent little time with his kids, though I've heard he once angrily denounced my grandmother when he caught her verbally abusing my adult mother before I was born. Interesting fact: I nearly died while my mother was pregnant because my grandmother verbally abused my mother to the point where well... Apparently extreme depression can kill the unborn. But that's a tangent and a backstory. The main issue is in the title: my most successful uncle, the only one to have his own children (my eldest uncle married a single mom who was divorced twice, and though he's financially successful as a real estate broker he's very personally unsuccessful as his step kids are all either drug addicts or impending single moms. My middle uncle is almost retarded and lives like a frat boy at the age of 40). He has two sons (twins) and now a daughter. Similarly young. He's 35-ish with a wife 5 years younger than him. My mother is a (platonic) single mom and my aunt is married to a roofer (herself being involved in law, apparently a typist of some sort) and has only one child, a boy, whom is 5 years younger than me and I grew up with on and off. Here's the issue: I want to separate as much as possible from my mother's family of origin because most of them are shitty, manipulative, Democrat, cucky, verbally manipulative, and all around terrible people. My successful uncle is the best of the bunch and I've rarely seen him growing up. I don't think he's a bad guy but I barely know him and am afraid to know him because I expect a whole lot of poison to emit from him or his environs and what can I possibly due to remedy that when I'm still as of yet nobody worth listening to (at least from a life-success standpoint)? Because I want to totally divorce myself from my mother's family of origin, I also want to distance myself from my cousins. Of which I'm the eldest (if I only include biological cousins and not single mom spawns). I don't feel much in terms of obligation but I do feel a certain primal desire for connection with my blood. However I am pretty sure I will be disappointed and I am too young and too busy to willingly kick myself in the shin. I don't want to build connections with people I will barely see and most likely watch self-destruct over time. However my mother, who switches from "wanting to be a part of her (abusive) family" to basically de-F.O.O.'ed has been bothering me about it and projecting her own insecurities and fears onto me about them. Like her fear of deep connection for having it severed, specifically. I am tempted to think I share that weakness but empirically I don't. I have a great relationship with my therapist who is almost a father to me and he really does see me as a middle son (he himself has two sons with a wide age difference). However I do know that's my only real relationship. I'm not counting casual internet relationships because most of them are superficial and the ones I have gotten deep with I don't necessarily trust or see as reliable friends or whatnot. I have made no efforts whatsoever to change this since I've been in what one M.R.A. site calls "monk mode" which is basically about focusing on self-development, career, and advancement that way with relationships and most luxury activities put on hold. I know there is some truth though: I do fear making and losing deep connections. However not very much. But I also lack much motivation to make friends (let alone womanly connections--I'm turning 20 next week and I'm still a virgin and have never dated let alone touched a woman). Perhaps I ought to talk in that direction. I dunno. I do know there are more than a few psychological experts and smart laymen here on the board so I thought I'd confess this here. I do want a family. But I want my family. A family built by my own hand with people of my own choosing. I want a tribe. But I want my tribe. A tribe of like-minded rational, moral, and intelligent people. Not one assigned to me or imposed upon me. However I don't think I can just be a total rebel and expect things to work out. If I really want to go this way, I need to think about what I need to do to get what I want. I've thought long and hard about what I'll be doing professionally (as I'm doing it). That part (writer/investor) is clear (for the next 5 years at least). What's foggy is relationships. I don't like using people for utilities but I do understand reciprocal business relationships and am not afraid of making those. I think I'm doing all right as far as my readiness and ability to make co-worker or business-partner relationships, of course I have minimal experience, but here I think my mind is in the right place and am therefore able to do what I must to get what I want. Where I'm worried about is the personal stuff. The friends and lovers stuff. I intend to be all kinds of good Catholic and waiting till marriage for sex, and perhaps that's for the best, but besides that I'm pretty much winging it and that means doing very little outside work/internet/business connections. And I would be foolish to assume they're all divorced from each other. After all, I only have one brain and whatever I feed into it at one point of my life inevitably affects my mindset in other areas. With that knowledge, I ask for help. I want to know if I'm making the right decisions (as far relationships at least) and am on the path to success or if I'm walking off a cliff with a blindfold on. I have only my thanks to give. Please help.

I'm a 24 yo man living with my girlfriend. We've been living together for the past 5 years or so and it's been the best time of my life. But I think I'm growing a little used to it, because things that wouldn't bother me some years ago now do. For example: my lady is very, very lazy. Not so lazy that the house is in complete chaos, but lazy to never leave for work on time. But here's the catch: I take her to work. I'm always prepared ahead of time and just waiting for her to say "let's go" and drive her there. For the past year or so she's been consistently late for work, about 95% of time. That in itself wouldn't bother me, but every time she says she's going to be on time, but on the next day she's lazily browsing her phone on the couch and doing things in the last possible moment. This drives me to the fucking wall. I was never a organized person, but now that I pay my own rent and everything in this house we bought together, I like keeping things more tidy than messy. I got a bad temper but great self control. I've never once yelled and we never, never had a shouting match or anything of sorts. We always talks things out, or if I'm too pissed to talk I'll minimize contact for a while (not talking a lot and not giving much attention) until I'm calm. The worst it got was when I got mad for two whole days. The laziness didn't used to bother me that much, but my reaction to it escalated when we were running our little Easter business. I made the chocolate, she would make the filling. I can do the filling, but doing the chocolate is hard enough and I got no touch for making it pretty. She left every single one of our orders to the last possible minute, which overall made their quality worse. I wasn't satisfied with a single one of them compared to the last year (we've been doing this for the past 3 years) and told her so. She apologized and promised to not to this again next year. Which is fair. What else can I do, right? It's not like showing how god damn angry I actually am would make any difference. Which now brings us to her consistently being late to work, despite me, the person who takes her there, being ready on time everyday. I don't understand why does this bothers me so much. It's her work, I got nothing to do with it. The payment still comes in full, because she makes up the hours, so for all intents and purposes it doesn't affect anyone. Her boss doesn't like it, but it's such a small deal that he won't fire her, specially because she's his best employee. Can someone relate to this? Why does this bother me?

This is a question that I've long sought an answer to but could never pin down. It's a topic I've only rarely heard discussed on the show, the most recent being the interview with Gary Wilson who wrote Your Brain On Porn (highly recommended). Basically, is pornography of any kind morally wrong to consume? If so, what is the argument that pins it to the wall so we can help perpetrators see their immorality? If not, should we treat it as an addictive behavior/substance? Like booze or opiates? Or should we be hands off in addressing it? I personally see nothing morally wrong with a guy in his room consuming weird fetish pornography, just like a guy smoking on his balcony. He isn't committing rape, theft, assault or murder, so his actions don't violate UPB. It's a different case however if he's supporting (or funding) pornography in which UPB is being violated, the content of that example I'm sure you can fill in yourselves. At the same time, I can't help but get this feeling or voice in the back of my head that tells me something is wrong. That this has an air of destructiveness that can have devastating effects on a person's life. It goes deeper than a nicotine addiction does, because sexuality is something so personal and intimate. This feels like a totally different beast that I can't get good philosophical footing on. Maybe I'm over-thinking it and if twenty-year-olds wanna watch hentai then there's nothing wrong with that, but something feels off. As for Stef's views on this, I've extracted little tid-bits from shows, one about sexual fetishism where he said sexual fetishism needs to be corrected, and in the same show he questioned the listener on his openness about his fetish with his mother. He said "How do you talk about this stuff with your mom? 'I like it this way with whip cream and a dinosaur toy-' this is just something I never wanna hear from my children." And he didn't say it in an angry or condemning way, but in a joking sort of "that's private and should stay private". The show is titled The Origins Of Sexual Fetishism for those interested. In conclusion, here's my best "argument" against the consumption of pornography that I'm unsure of: Why would you need porn to be aroused if you're in a relationship? What is it about your significant other that is lacking in the sexual department? Shouldn't your lover be the only source of arousal in your life? Porn is wrong to consume because you pledge your sexual arousal to your partner, and them to you, so using porn is like going to a prostitute or cheating. All done for sexual needs at the neglect of your partner. So what are your guys's opinions on this? Link me a previous thread if it's been talked about before.

edit >>> EXTREMELY LONG POST. Sorry about this! Please skip this post and go to #2, unless you have lots of time of course. Hello everyone! I would like to thank you in advance for reading my post, and for any insight you may be able to offer. I have been putting this off for quite some time, thinking that it would not really help to share my problems with the community. The way I have justified this is basically by telling myself that I already know what I must do. In other words, I tell myself that I must seek a professional therapist, that I must make new friendships, that I must sever my negative relationships, that I must be more productive, etc. etc. etc. – and come to the conclusion that you will tell me the same thing, and so that it would be useless to come to you with my doubts and fears. That is all nonsense though, and I can see right through it. I understand that I am evading this need to open up, in fear of coming to conclusions that I may not want to grasp. These are conclusions that I have already come to in my own mind, but perhaps I'm afraid of hearing them from others, or maybe I'm afraid of the opposite – that my conclusions (I'm lazy, I'm too scared, I will never really be normal, I'm too far behind, it's way too hard, I can't do it) are totally wrong, and that this may take some weight off my shoulders, weight that I may be using to punish myself for God knows what (this what is probably the most important obstacle I face). Even doing this right now, is starting to feel quite difficult. I'm starting to feel that sensation in my throat that usually precedes crying. I'm feeling a bit vulnerable, and I think my mind is actively looking for distractions that may help me avoid having to finish this post. A part of me is a bit fearful of the response I may receive, although I acknowledge fully how irrational that is, considering that the responses I have seen here are always quite kind and generally very empathetic and helpful. So, where does this fear come from? Maybe from a general sense of inferiority? The very thought of speaking to Stefan has always left me with a sense of curiosity, alarm, shame, and fear – but in a very disinterested sort of way, like it's something I don't think would ever occur, because I don't see myself far enough down the road of self-knowledge to seek that out, and because I've always thought that I would be able to advance far enough on my own through books and journaling and such. This is probably part of my problem, and I'm starting to acknowledge that. I tend to be too individualistic in the sense that I always think that I can do things on my own, generally distrust others' abilities and capacity to help, and yet never quite seem to be able to do anything at all. However, I blame this on myself, on my constant state of melancholy and inability to concentrate on the here and now. I blame myself for always thinking of what's ahead and never on today. I'm very much a daydreamer, but I know that the sources of this problem are within me and are solvable, and so I am now looking for professional help. I hope I haven't been rambling too much and that the above helps you get an idea of where I'm coming from. Now some background: I'm originally from Mexico, and moved with my mother and half-sister to the US at the age of 6. My father stayed behind. My parents were not married, and my father was 16 years older than my mother (38-22 when I was born). I was a very creative child, and liked being alone, never had much friends, and fortunately suffered very little in terms of physical abuse. I started out well in school (public school as we've always been quite poor, my mother left school at 16 when my sister was born, and her family was also very much poor) and was even put in gifted and talented classes, as I was very good with art and enjoyed reading. However, due to lack of guidance or interest from any adult, I began to do worse and worse in school and finally dropped out of high school at the age of 19 I believe (I had always been a year behind because it took me a year to learn English after I arrived, I think I was a junior then but very much behind). I dropped out because I was told I could just take an equivalency exam and obtain my GED, I was not told however that it was necessary to be an American citizen to do so (I was not) and so that never happened. I worked as a waiter and helping an uncle in real estate for a while, before deciding to move back to Mexico where I could be "free" to live my life as I pleased. I was very proud then, falsely so, and the idea of having to ask someone to break the law so that I could work just made feel so ashamed that the idea of living in Mexico really seemed like a good one. I lived with my father for some time in a small city on the Mexican border (where he had moved to be closer to me after he had been deported from the US for having overstayed his visa) for a while, about 10 months, and then I managed to move to a large city with the help of money my mother made available to me. The time I spent with my father has been probably the worse period in my life, because I depended on him but the guy really is about as broken a man as I've ever seen, and obviously he carries a lot guilt in regards to me, and long story short I'm just really angry at him to this day. After I left my father, I came to Guadalajara, the city I'm originally from and which is quite a large city and had many more opportunities for me. I worked in call centers for a while, and then in bicycle shops (something I'm very much into). I had read Ayn Rand in my teens, and this is what I think saved me and is still responsible for keeping my flame alive. I think it caused a few problems too, because I think I tried to be like her heroes for a while, and well that's really not a very smart thing to do. I think I repressed a lot of emotions during my teens and early to mid 20's because of this. I was very hard on myself. I'm sorry I feel like I'm straying a bit from the point, but I think I know what's next. After living alone for a few years, my father came down here to try and be closer to me. We lived separately and saw each other frequently, but then we had an argument and I basically cut him off completely after explaining everything in a very long text message. I basically said to him that he was a bad influence on me, and that he was the same guy who had abandoned me as a child (by being a bad partner to my mother and forcing her to leave him). I also said to him that his interest in the esoteric was only a way for him to believe in impossible things, which made it easy for him to imagine that he and I could actually have a healthy relationship. Plus, my father was sexually active from a very young age, something I know marked him deeply and is probably the cause of all his neurosis and guilt. Then, I at some point got fed up with my job, and quit. I had only been working and daydreaming in my free time, and I had not been thinking much about my future, or making any friends. I was still very proud then, and had never been very sociable, and found it quite difficult to relate either to nationals or others who too had come back from the US. At this point, I thought I would leave the city and go live in small town, where I could work hard and live a simple life away from the distractions of the city. I didn't plan this terribly well however, and ended up with no money and my things on the sidewalk. And so I reached out my father, or my abuser, and have been living with him ever since. For a good while I descended into a very deep mental fog, and forgot all about what had originally made me break ties with my father. I started working at a bike shop and earning just enough to pay for my basic needs. I lived this way for some time, and was going deeper and deeper into this sort of zombie state. Then my mother came to visit me recently and really forced an awakening which had been building up the months prior to her arrival. I was devastated. My emotions, which had been turned off for years, suddenly were brought back to life and it scared the shit out of me. After having been numb for years I started to really feel and it was all quite overwhelming. My mother, who I'd had a generally good relationship with, suddenly made me see just how unfit I was to deal with reality. When she was here I felt like I was in a way responsible for her, and this made feel totally inadequate. It made me very nervous, and I had not seen my mother for about 7 years, and so this also shocked me into life again. Since then I have taken up listening to FDR again, which I had not been doing mostly due to not owning either a pc or a smartphone, and basically just not looking into self-knowledge before this event. Although, to be honest, I've always had a need to keep a diary, even if at times I have ignored it for months – it's an urge that always comes back, and I have hundreds of journal entries in physical journals, iphone notes, word documents, etc. I may share some if anyone is interested in listening to my inner voice. Right now, I am making enough to pay my bills, and thankfully can do this through one part time job. The free time I have I want to invest in some project that will allow me to make more money in the future, such as elaborating some cycling-related apparel or perhaps developing the talent I know I possess but have not developed. However, I tend to spend most of my time between all sorts of different interests and cannot seem to make up my mind which to focus on. I feel like there's no one in my life that has genuine interest in me or that has the knowledge to guide me in any direction or offer any real advice. Also, I'm still very much in an English-language frame of mind. I speak good Spanish, but am not totally fluent as in I cannot write very well or articulate my thoughts with the precision I wish I could – I'm still very lacking in terms of vocabulary, but I don't have the will to focus on working on my skills because I'm really not sure I want to continue in this country, on the other hand, I don't see the possibility of leaving this country any time soon. I sway between thinking that I will never find anyone worth making friends with here, and that there have to be people worth making friends with but that I will never know if I don't reach out. However, I feel like I having nothing to offer, and like I have to work hard and study hard before earning the right to ask for anyone's friendship. I'm also very frightened of taking the risk in trusting someone only to have their irrationality surface later and destroy the bond I though we had created. I feel like no one is interested in self knowledge, and no one is capable of being vulnerable and sharing themselves openly. I try to be very open and share my thoughts and emotions with the people currently in my life but they are very rarely reciprocal and tend to avoid this kind of conversations. I haven't had an amorous relationship in 10+ years, and have only met 3 women I have genuinely liked in the 8 years I have been here, but I have not had the courage to start a conversation because I just feel so inadequate, so far behind in life, and so painfully conscious that I have very little to offer anyone. I now understand, thanks to Stefan, that I cannot do this alone – but is there anything else I can do beside therapy to strengthen my will, and to find my path? I feel like this isn't really the point of my post, but I don't know how to frame my exasperation into a sentence. It's so many things, a lot which I did not even touch on. I know I need to reach out to a professional, and I'm in the process of finding the right one. If I may ask a question in regards to this – what kind of therapist should I look for? I've come across a lot psychoanalysts but I'm not sure if they're all Freudians, and then there are cognitive behaviorists (?), and a thing called Gestalt. I've looked for analytical psychologists, but have had no luck – they all seem to do something other than individual therapy sessions. Also, is it a good idea to read about psychology? Should I read Alfred Adler, Alice Miller, C.G. Jung ... or could this have the effect of confusing me rather than helping me? Could it not hurt to go into therapy with this knowledge? In the sense that it may interfere with the therapists' work? I'm very sorry for the lengthy post, but I do not know what I should cut out to make it shorter. In a way I think it gives a good idea of where I am – all over the place, confused. Thank you for reading.

EDIT: I am talking about myself. I have a friend, who is really having a hard time of it. I wasn't sure what to say to him, as this incident I'm about to describe was very revealing in lots of bad ways and I don't know how to answer it. Friend walks out and mentions to his mother some trivia about a show she was watching. She asks him not to mention trivia about the show, saying it confuses her. He asked why. She started wringing her hands and practically said she was mentally retarded. He denied she was retarded, and then she started getting all passive-aggressive and sarcastic. He asked her to stop being passive aggressive with her, and she got mad demanding "please be quiet". Then she compared him to her own mother (his grandmother), whom he grew up hearing about how she beat her and abused her and neglected her, and the mother knew that comparison always hurt the son. He gave up and came to me. Now I'm here asking "what the Hell? What do I do? What can I say? Sounds stupid but it clearly hints to a much larger underlying problem. I know he's been considering defooing his mother once he's able to do so financially, but I don't know..." Help me out, anyone wise and impartial about this sort of thing. I'm not an expert. I'm a layman who studies this sort of thing and tries to help himself as best he can, but I don't know how I can handle something so close to home.

In relationships (Friends, special other, etc) specifically. Is there some defence mechanism?

I'm currently with a women for about 5 months, a lot of things have been going great. This woman has by far treated me better than any other women I've dated. She shares a similar culture and values as me, The only issue I have and I try to deal with is she has had multiple sex partners. When asked how many partners has she had? she gives me the answer of less than 10, leaves me a bit suspicious because I as a man know my number. The reason I like to know this information is due to potential genetic information that might be passed down from other partners. There are some things that worry me as well such as she comes from a single mother, and she does not care to have friendships, and she prefers animals over humans. Another thing is she is not the most curious women out there, she cares only about watching TV and movies, which are completely antithetical to me. As I see Movies and TV as usually propaganda machines that try to infect their venom on the population. I have had talks about kids and I think she would be a great mother as she agrees with not using force on children. Also, she has has been engaged twice and when asking why were they called off? her answer is "they fucked up". Which makes me suspicious and ask why did you choose such bad men then? I've come to the logical conclusion since she has had no father she has not had a male role model. The fathers duty would have been to protect her daughter from such toxic men. Her mother has not been able to make good decision on men, which is why it has translated to her picking bad men. I'm asking in this group are my concerns valid or am I just examining this situation a bit too critically?

Hi all, this is first post here - I am looking for advise from like - minded peope who have been in similar situation. Any tips are greatly appreciated. Thank you. It's been a year since I have been in thereapy and discovered FreedomainRadio - it's been the best year of my life and I never felt more alive. However, with self knowledge come dealing with toxic people in my life (including my family). Especially dealing with my parents is tough and I woudl be greatful for your support and insight. Here is some background that I think is important: My father: he was brought up in communist era, his mother was working since he was 3 months-old and he was put into a daycare ever since. His parents cared about him, but didnt really know him. They preised him for his academic and sport achievements. He always had to be him + some sort of success. There was verbal abuse in the family. Financially, they were doing really well and had a good socio-ekonomic status in their society. My father is very inteligent and succesfull man, however he struggles with proximity. If there is important topic to discuss, he often gets annoyed and agressive - he must win the discussion. He is not used to negotiate in peaceful way. Lately he tries, but the topic / issue is not opened unless someone else brings it up. My mother: was born into family with 8 other children (she was the youngest). Her family was very poor and abusive to the point that my mother was taken away from them (not sure at what age exactly but I think she was about 4-7). Since then she grew up in a childcare facilities. Until this day I am not sure how bad her abuse was (I am aware that she had been beaten / had had cigarete burns and I am not sure if the abuse was of sexuall nature as well, but its possible). She doesnt like to talk about anything realted to her early childhood before she was taken away from her family. She also claims that her past is not important because she is not in touch with her parents or siblings (note, that we have never met or seen any of them and I think she hasnt seen them since she was a teenager). She says that she had a great time in those childcare facilities! and that it has not affected her at all! Its hard to get any sort of inforamtion from her about her past. She can not admit she is/was wrong in anything- ever. Its very difficult for her to apologize. My mother always cared about me and my siblings in terms of having enought food, clean clothes, playing with us and preparing us for school, however, this lasted only until we became teenagers and had our own opinions and created our own personality. She had no idea how to deal with us once we were not dependent infants. She cant deal with anoyone disagreeing with her. The relationship of my parents wasn't good. Their argues got rather agressive, they were not able to communicate and solve issues and in addition, they were cheating on each other. They got divorced eventually (I was 13 at that time). The divorce was not discussed very much and we simply moved out with our mother. My father paid child support and we saw him every other weekend (or more) - he was happy in his new relationship (woman he later married and are still together). In the meantime, the situation home with my mother escalated. Our mother was very nervous and constantly complaining about not having enough money. We started to argue a lot - at one point she told me she hated me and that I was the same as my father (mind: the man she married and had 3 children with)! She started to physically attack me - this confuse me a lot, it seems the parents stop hitting their children when they grow up, but she started to beat me when I was 13 - 15. At that time I knew I could attahk her back but I was afraid that I woudl hurt her! Obviously, she didnt have the same concern about hurting me. Seeing how little empathy she had towards me really hurts my feelings. I havent had much contact with my mother since I was 19 (its about 10 years of very little contact / close to none). Last time I talked to her was about 5 months ago and I tried to discuss what I learned in therapy. She eventually apologized, but it wasnt genuine and she keeps saying I just need to move forward and dont bring the past up. She is quite a bully and doesnt want to work on herself. In her mind, something is wrong with me to bring issues from the past up. I never said anything to my father about the beating and argues with my mother. I think deep down I knew he wouldnt get involved to fix it. Recently I told him and his answer was quite shocking - he said: "I thought something was going on between you and your mother"! He didnt know how bad it was, but he didnt even ask! This makes me angry. On one hand, i woudl like to have relationship with at least one parent but on the other, how can you not care about your children when they are being hurt? My father has done some work on himself and he is able and willing to discuss things. He will be comming over soon. I woudl like discuss it with him. Do you think I am hypocrat for talking to my father but not my mother? Does any of you have similar issue and how you approached it? Did this sort of discussion helped you? Thank you so much - any feedback welcomed.

I am both a cynic and a misanthrope. I have a problem. I decided to ask for help since I was about to use the text below as a response to a question and quickly realized I need to talk about this before I become a 20 year old with the mentality of a dying 80 year old boomer. === Is there no place for men who want to be with a woman of similar or higher quality in the fundamentals, i.e., foresight, intelligence, ability to defer gratification, empathy, patience, etc.? Because whenever I hear or listen to MRA or dating related stuff it always seems to come down to manipulation. The man manipulates the woman for sexuality and motherhood, and the woman manipulates the man for resources and fatherhood ( I mean this both in the sense of becoming parents as well as being each other's pseudo-parent) . I want to break that cycle. Because it's a cycle that I lose even if I win. Say I am a man of great means, well does that mean I can marry a woman who is totally into self-knowledge, who is emotionally stable, is a virgin, can actually feel empathy for others, is actually capable of abstract thought beyond manipulating male desires, etc? Or is it just someone who can glamour herself far more impressively than the used up ho the homeless guy would get? === I want to point out I'm a guy with no friends. After graduating high school and entering the work force, and now working on getting my first real novel finished and published, I pretty much cut off all contact from everyone I used to know, and something very telling happened; nobody cared. No texts, no calls. Nothing. It was like I never existed. Of course I changed a lot since I was 18. Now that I'm 19, I'm no longer thinking about suicide on a daily basis thanks to a year of therapy, and instead of bemoaning the slowly dying world we live in I'm actually being a productive member of society with the right to piss on those who aren't. The fact that just came out of my mouth alone tells me I got a problem. And now I want to ask whoever happens to be in the area to help a brother out. I have no friends, I have no desire to make friends, I have an increasing disdain and lack of sympathy for people on a daily basis (heck terrorist attacks no longer piss me off or depress me, they're just thunderstorms to be ignored now), and I'm seriously worried about how this will affect me as I become an adult (legally I am but emotionally I'm not. Thanks single mom and educational system.) and even more so as I become a man, and I don't mean someone who fucked a whore with daddy issues. I'm talking someone who does work that makes him proud; someone who built something; someone who owns his own home; someone with a wife and children; someone that actually matters. Where is the question in this ventilation heap? Here it is: What the fuck should I do to start liking people and having faith in people? In spite of myself I can't help but admire those courageous individuals of integrity and conviction who actually give a damn about people and create lasting things in this world (like Papa Stef). And so I decided to become someone I'd actually look up to instead of someone who's barely better than the other single-mom brats. Having a high IQ doesn't mean shit if the childhood was toxic. But then Stef's existence proves me wrong a thousandfold. How the hell did that magical man come to be? Maybe he's got something that'd help me out? Maybe you have something because you have similar problems or overcame similar problems? I'll hear anything out since I want to change. I don't want to be a democrat. I don't want to be a cynical misanthrope who'd sell out others for a buck. I want to love again. I want to feel. I want to feel what it means to be a man. Hopefully something I said will be coherent enough to warrant a response. Because I need some straw to chew on. And I'd greatly appreciate anyone helping this little cow out. Moo...

Hey there, I'm hoping to get some advice on an issue I've been "dealing" with since I started my current relationship about 9 months ago. Basically, I seem to have an issue with my girlfriend's sexual past, specifically the fact that she's not a virgin. Here's a summary: - She's has sex with one partner before me, which by modern standards is significantly less than average for a 25 year-old, and I recognize that. It was also as part of a long-term relationship, so not a casual one-night stand or anything like that. - I've had two sexual partners in the past, so I'm not a virgin either (I'm 26). Any judgement and issues I have with her past I should (and attempt to) equally apply to myself. I'm well aware that if I consistently applied an idea such as "having a sexual past is a dealbreaker" it would mean I would never date anyone else. On a rational level I think prior attempts at relationships and mistakes should not be dealbreakers (I suppose depending on the details). Unfortunately, on an emotional level I am frequently bothered by images of her sexual past in my head. I imagine way more graphic detail than I'd like and it's emotionally painful. Sometimes it interferes with our intimacy... Since in our relationship we have a strong emphasis on honesty, sharing, and RTR, we made the mistake of over-sharing some details about our past that wasn't necessary. Partly that was her mistake for telling me certain graphic details I didn't ask for, and sometimes mine for asking. She did also on a couple of occasions put herself in dangerous situations a few years ago (before we met) and that bothered me a lot when she first told me, but less so over time. It's the thoughts of her non-virginity that don't seem to be calming down. I've tried to deal with what I consider "obsessive" thoughts/images with therapy. Both of us actually did some IFS therapy quite actively near the start of our relationship, which I think was very helpful. I did about 20 sessions but then I basically ran into money issues (and found out over time that my therapist was a spiritualist that believed in souls and life after death, indeed claimed she had "experienced" it, which made me unable to take her seriously) so I had to pause a few months back. Since I can't afford therapy right now, I figured maybe someone here could offer some helpful advice because whatever thought processes I've attempted so far (including googling advice on the issue) haven't turned out fruitful. I'm not sure what the root cause of these thoughts is. Perhaps finding that would help? For whatever reason, in my mind virginity in a partner is important. I'm not entirely sure where this belief originated from. It's not religious brainwashing, as my parents were vaguely Jewish but there was little indoctrination and I've been an atheist since I was 15/16. Since I was a kid I did however have this fantasy in my mind that I would find a partner, we'd both be virgins, and that we'd fall in love and stay together forever. I still think that might be the best possible outcome, but maybe not a realistic one, especially when both our ACE scores were pretty high (mine's a 6 and hers a 5). We both agree that if we knew of each other's existence from the beginning we would never have dated anyone else, but unfortunately for us both it was a journey of mistakes and standards that were too low and only gradually increased. One lead I have that I discovered through therapy is a strong fear of STDs (which relates to a traumatic event with my ex). However, we both got tested before we did anything and another time since then and all is well. Another idea is that I've had trouble forgiving/accepting myself for my own sexual history (I dropped my standards and ignored huge red flags and it bit me later), so perhaps if I'm not able to even forgive myself, how could I forgive/accept my partner? We like each other a lot and if I could focus better on the "now" of the relationship I think our ratio of good/healthy to bad/unhealthy interactions would be about 95/5. That ratio didn't start out this high but it's been improving pretty consistently since we've both been working on it (that's one of the reasons we both did therapy in our first few months). Unfortunately, whenever I get triggered and start thinking of her past, it interferes with the now... Any advice/thoughts/input/insight?

I've been with a woman for about a year and am trying to figure out where this relationship could lead. I'm wondering how seriously I should take some things I think I've learned about this person. I'd like to list these things, and I'd like to know what y'all think, especially under what conditions, if any, you would consider dating someone like this: -raised in two-parent household that included emotionally abusive, almost criminally negligent, emotionally unbalanced, depressive mother -is 38 years old -has been in 11 relationships with men over the course of her life -left a 10-year marriage due to marital dissatisfaction. The man was not physically or emotionally abusive. He's a socialist, but otherwise decent guy with a good job. -She leans left but is largely apolitical, and has been willing to forgo having opinions on issues she doesn't know about. She's disengaged from political issues. -Is willing to homeschool and has the financial situation to easily do this. -seems willing to let her mother be alone with, take care of, any future child we may have, although she could change her mind about this; I haven't pressed the matter -she's said she's come to believe that all romantic relationships she could ever enter into would have an equal chance of success or failure. -It seems she has a low opinion of men in general. High opinion of me, perhaps, and at least one of her exes, but low opinion of men. Thanks for reading!

Hey Everyone! After 3 years of thinking about this, ive finally put out a call on thsi forum for fellow Building Entheisiasts be they Architects, Architect students (like me), engineers relating to buildings or building in some way. I would like to connect with those whom i nto onyl share MORAL values but also academic and Career related values! Because as you may already know it is a damn shame and also really depressing if you find philosofy but then find out you have little or nothing else in common with thsoe engaged in rational discourse. If anyone wants to contact me and have friendly chat about philosofy AND career and mutual interests. Well post her first and then we shall see. PS. Other interests include, problems solving, science, chesmistry, food, health, video games, CREATIVITY and Fantasy art/DND. ect. PPS. I can hear my childhood self going like this atm:

I am torn between 2 bad choices: Atheist = overwhelmingly leftist Conservative = overwhelmingly religious I am tempted to take the frogs advice and find a Christian woman, what do?

Preeclampsia and other pregnancy complications as an adaptive response to unfamiliar semen - JENNIFER A. DAVIS AND GORDON G. GALLUP JR. State University of New York at Albany How's this for an argument on committed relationships lead to healthier children? This information is new and may, or may not, hold up over time. Although, I didn't see a public argument against it--which would mostly be people with pitchforks and torches because this could bring a lot of parties to a crashing halt. (Insert scratched record sound here!)

My main question is, how do you find ways to figure out what career path to take next? I've been a long time listener and few time poster here and I'm looking for some advice towards my current situation. Recently, I became unemployed and on severance for the next 3 weeks. This job only lasted 2 months and has caused me much stress and frustration. Prior I had a stable job for 4 years that was not that stressful and I liked the people/company. I moved on from this job in pursuit of something better and with a possibility to learn more and grow my career. The position and company was not a good fit, my boss recognized this early on and started to see I was struggling. I was doing intern work as a result and she didn't allow me to take on more work because of this. I became frustrated as I wasn't receiving any guidance and support to learn more and also because the company/position was not what we discussed and thought it was. Overall, now I'm out of work, in a city that I like but away from family. I have a few options to consider and feel like I have to decide soon. First is to stay in the city and look for work. This option is the most difficult as I don't have a network to work with by finding similar jobs and feel depressed from being close to my old job without being able to work there. Second is to move back home, regroup with family and friends then decide where to take my career. Third, I have a possible job lined up across the country that is similar to my old good job. It's 25% less pay and new part of the country, I'm 29 so not that young to pickup and move on a dime. Fortunately I could if really necessary as I'm single with no dependents. Fourth, move down to new state with best friend and live with his family for a while. Cheap rent and close to friends family would be the best part. Being in a small town with no work would not be good. Within the past month, I began taking medications for depression and anxiety. This is not normal for me as I've always been good in life but these past two months really shocked my system and life. I've been talking to family and friends about my situation which has been a blessing as they have helped me through it. They understand what I'm going through but it's difficult with the distance. I think most of my underlying fear that I have revolves around uncertainty. These past two months I haven't been able to relax as often to contemplate these decision.

For a while now I've been trying to understand and connect with my fear of not having support from others while taking risks. So today I focused on my experience of isolation in the past and how this contributed to believing myself inferior. I tried to connect with this emotionally by writing to myself. I still want more connections in my life and to become more secure in reaching out to others and I believe this is a big reason behind why I want to share this with this community. This is what I wrote: Born and lacking protection. Exposed to many who mock and hurt me. Isolated and disconnected from those who were supposed to be there for me. I shy away from people and remain silent for fear of attack but this does not keep me safe. My silence is seen as weakness, and to most people I am around I now appear as a weak animal expected to be eaten by it's own kind. Often I am left unprotected by the ones who gave me life until they return at an unknown time. I don't want to live in this savage dark prison any longer. Beasts come every time I seek a way out. They mock me, they look at me with disdain, and worst of all they tell me I will always be alone. They tell me it is hopeless that there is no end to this prison. They say that everyone that claims to have left this place and found one better are liars, people who are more wicked and cruel than they. I'm afraid but I don't want to stay. I can feel myself slowly dying. I don't know where to go. People have come for me. I believe they're strong and kind. They show interest in me and best of all they're telling me that they know how to get out. With pride and bitterness they explain to me how far along they are compared to others and that while I am also far behind I have the potential to catch up. I am excited that people believe in me and that I now know the way out, but I am filled with shame for being lesser than they. I soon realize it's not safe for me to show that I am wounded because I'm afraid I'll be abandoned as I was before. They treat the wounded as inferior and do not equally share their lives with me as I do with them. They show little respect for the cautious behavior of one who has been betrayed by their own and left to suffer. They expect immediate vulnerability and trust, and I fear to offer it. I am punished for resistance with implicit threats of what scares me the most, isolation. So I offer my vulnerability, again and again, in hopes that this will bring me closer to them, until the day I'm told that I offered too much. that I need too much, and that I'm just too damaged. Now I realize I'm alone again and that they cannot help me further. The beasts laugh at me and how foolish I was to believe that I might belong with them. I believe what they say is true and can no longer move. The pain is unbearable. The beasts appear more alive and vicious then ever. Over and over one of them repeats how disgusting I am to have clung onto others. This is what they've waited for...they're going to devour me. I do not know if I can keep going or if I should just give up but...I don't want to die. This lack of internal unity eats away at my will, my energy drains and I become starved for anything that will give me energy to move again. Eventually I find what I need, but only crumbs, little bits of strength that I savor. For a moment I can think of nothing else but how sweet the taste. The beasts notice my movement and I see their faces twist into a mix of fear and rage as they realize their job is not done and that they must remain alert. I'm too exhausted to fear any possible attacks. I start to wonder who has left these crumbs behind and why, if they have had so much to eat to have only left so little behind, do they not come not for me. Perhaps they mistake me for one who is already dead and cannot see me among the bodies. I think of the beasts near me and remember the fear I saw in their faces when I began to move. What are they afraid of? What will happen to them if I keep looking for a way out? I look harder at the beasts and notice for the first time that they appear as ghostly figures. I realize that these beasts have never physically attacked me, unlike the ones long ago. Do these beasts even exist? Who do they serve and what is their purpose? Are they creations of my mind? Are they me? Am I no longer stuck in a physical prison but now a mental one? I must answer these questions. If they are me then I want to understand them. To attack them is to attack myself, and to do that is to never be free. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shame on those who mistreat the wounded out of fear of being reminded that they themselves are not free of injury. Praise the brave heroes who get out and are able to face that it was done not without a price. Thanks to all who see strength and not weakness when looking at those who work towards a better life filled with integrity and emotional honesty.

Hi guys and girls, Tl;DR I've been in a relationship for the past 2 months. We use RTR to communicate constantly and this makes our conversations very emotionally intense. Some hurts and red flags have come up (I think on both ends) but she brought up some of hers after we had already started dating and having sex, and due to the nature of the hurts and the fact that she didn't tell me upfront (misled me for one of them) it's been very difficult emotionally for me to recover from that hurt. Specifically, the worst red flag/hurt was around the recency of her breakup with her ex. We started talking (we met online on a dating website) in the first week of December and she had told me that she broke up with her ex in November, but that she had essentially started grieving the end of the relationship back in September and it was just a protracted breakup. Even then I thought 2 months was way too short for a 1.5 year relationship, but I was more or less okay with it. 5 weeks into the relationship, around the end of January, it came out that she had broken up with her ex just one week before we started talking, and that she had been having sex with him until the last day of the relationship. Clearly she could not have been getting over him in any sense of the word. After some talking she admitted and took responsibility for the misleading. We're not sure it was a conscious effort at the time. She understands why I'd naturally assume that if someone is "getting over" a relationship they're not actively having sex with the person. There was also no other reason for her to cite September except to make it seem as though the breakup period was longer. Is this a dealbreaker-level red flag? Should I break up? There are tremendously good things about her and this relationship that probably more than balance things out, but sometimes I feel like the red flag is something I should break up over. For more (and a summary of the good and bad) please read more. There are also many confounding variables, like that I find intimacy and relationships difficult and often terrifying, and I could be looking for reasons to break up because of that, also. Or that I recently deFOO'ed. I would greatly appreciate if people read as much of the story as possible. I know it's long but I'm also afraid that people will comment and judge without full information. Introduction I've recently entered into a new relationship (December of 2015) and there are some red flags and issues that have been coming up which I really want some advice or just a third party perspective on. Normally I would go to my friends (who all live abroad), but partly through my fault for neglecting them because of the time I've spent with my girlfriend, it's been very hard to actually get to any Skype calls. Hopefully I'll have one this weekend with one of my friends though. My friends have not been very successful with relationships and so taking relationship advise from them feels a bit like reading a diet book written by a fat man. Primarily though I feel like I've been avoiding them as a way of avoiding important information about this relationship. A part of me fears that they'd tell me I should break up if they knew everything. Having said which, my girlfriend has been supportive of me contacting them, and when I told her just now that I wanted to post on this forum she was encouraging of that, too! She said that either way I need more information and a third perspective and she too was curious what people would say. I think a part of me is also scared of people telling me that the red flags and hurts aren't that big of a deal, because then all of my triggers around intimacy and closeness with another human being would set off. I'm going to try and be balanced and fair to both the good and bad aspects of the relationship. Backstory We met online through a dating site in the first week of December. After about a week of texting we moved to texting on Skype and then maybe within a week after that we had our first Skype video call. It lasted 8 hours. I've never spoken to someone for so long in my life! I easily get bored of people in general and being an introvert I reach social exhaustion levels very quickly, but this was different, I didn't want the conversation to end. Since then we've been communicating a LOT. The logistical complication is that I live in the UK and she lives in the US. We decided the Christmas holidays were a good opportunity for both of us to meet in person, especially as I was getting furloughed and had a few extra holiday days, so we both flew to NY (a "neutral" location). We decided to save on costs by getting a shared AirBnB and also because we didn't want to say goodbye to each other at night. We had decided that sleeping together (I mean literally sleeping, not sex) was a possibility but if either of us didn't feel comfortable there was a couch as an option. We setup some sexual boundaries: we could basically do anything except actual intercourse but we'd only do what both of us felt comfortable with. Bottom line is that by night 3 we had failed, there was way too much sexual tension and we both have pretty high sex drives, so we had sex. From then until the end of the trip we probably had sex averaging 2-3 times a day. I think on some level we both kind of hoped it would happen. We saw each other again last week. My girlfriend came to the UK this time to visit me and we spent 9 whole days together. Right now our tentative plan is for her to move here in March or more likely April as she wants to quit her job and not live with her parents anymore and I'm bound by a contract that doesn't expire until 14 months from now (breaking it costs a ridiculous sum of money...). The Good I'll start with the great things about this relationship and my girlfriend: We constantly communicate with RTR and have done since day one. Actually since before we were committed to each other. This was largely my doing - I introduced the concept and constantly communicated my feelings and asked her about hers, and she reciprocated and loved the idea. She's ordered the book and is reading it. We split all of our costs half-half. When I came to NY and my flight was more expensive than hers, she paid for the AirBnB in its entirety to help balance that cost out. She wears little to no makeup. She also doesn't wear high heels to make her butt stick out. She's a minimalist, constantly downsizes, doesn't buy useless crap, and saves a very large portion of her paycheck every month. She embodies all the virtues I seek in others and strive for in myself: honesty, curiosity, compassion, kindness, integrity, and courage. She's not perfect of course and sometimes falls short, as do I, but she really strives towards them. She doesn't drink alcohol, smoke, or take drugs. A complete teetotaler, just like me. People like that are rare, even within the FDR community. She loves the idea of peaceful parenting! I'm not sure if she knew the terminology but from the beginning she came into the relationship with the idea that she'd never hit her (our) kids. That we should be respectful of their needs, treat them like people with feelings, etc. She's agnostic/atheist after being brought up very religious in Texas. She de-converted 2 years ago. I hadn't felt safe crying with another human being since I was 10. I haven't just felt safe crying with my girlfriend, I've felt safe weeping with her, and she handled it beautifully. This was trust she built up. If you had asked me 3 months ago when I thought I might feel safe crying in front of another person, I would have said 10 years to never. Following my example (and because of some of the revelations/realizations in the next section), she has actually committed to doing therapy. She's done two sessions and has another one booked for next week. She's listened to some podcasts and videos by Stef, read "On Truth", and generally done a lot of wisdom-gaining and self-knowledge since we've been together. We're incredibly open and honest in our communication, with very few exceptions (see below). She's the first and only person I've ever enjoyed having sex with (not that I have much experience - 2 other women). We're constantly curious about each others' feelings and are empathetic towards each other. When we're feeling disconnected or not empathetic we both tell the truth about it, we don't pretend to feel things we're not feeling and we admit/recognize when we're intellectualizing. We look out for each others' needs and highlight when the other person could be self-sacrificing (e.g. me staying up late to talk to her due to time zone differences and therefore losing sleep). She's very intelligent. I feel like she's my equal and this makes our conversations endlessly engaging and interesting. She's painfully aware of the discrimination boys face growing up in terms of emotional acceptance and abuse, and that men face in courts, in the media, etc. Moreover, she first broached this topic, not me. I would feel safe marrying and having children with her and knowing she'd never abuse the system in case of a divorce for money or custody. She's fit and healthy, and does a good amount of exercise. I do a fair bit too, and we have some good exercise plans together! The Bad There have been a number of hurtful things that she's done. The first to come up were mean or cruel "joke"-like comments, except they weren't funny to me and they were hurtful. I'm a sensitive person and do not at all have a thick skin, nor do I want to, least of all in an intimate relationship. These were not intentional or conscious and when I pointed them out to her, sometimes after some convincing, she realized why they were hurtful and has since made a lot of effort (and success) in stopping or at least greatly reducing the frequency of these comments. I think in time they will stop completely. Verbal abuse can be very triggering for me and still now I feel anxious in conversations because I don't know when an attack might be coming. It's completely random and not on purpose from her end. This is the environment she grew up in and I'm challenging it. But it's getting better. One time I was punished for my empathy. When I expressed a great deal of empathy for the pain she felt during a medical procedure in the past, she lashed out and said "Well maybe you shouldn't be in the same room when I give birth to a child then". This was tremendously hurtful because she was both threatening to deprive me of that opportunity and punishing me for empathizing with her. Later on we realized and it was confirmed in therapy that she was basically pushing me away because she felt uncomfortable with how much I cared about her. She has since apologized many times for this, recognized how hurtful it was, brought it up in her first therapy session, etc. Moreover since then (there was another medical procedure recently that I went with her to) she has felt very comfortable with me being there for her and her pain. She has a very dissociated relationship with her pain in general because of her history of child abuse. But she's actually actively working on it now. The recency of her breakup with her ex. It's in the TL;dr above. She's had just one week to process and grieve over her previous breakup and she misled me about how long that was and presented the relationship as basically over 2 months earlier, when really she was still having sex with her ex of 1.5 years until the last day. This feels like a dealbreaker type of red flag. For more information, this is the only ex she's had that she's had a sexual relationship with. The last few times they had sex she actually cried during and suspects her ex never even noticed. They were not emotionally connected at all and yet she was the one who pushed for the sex more than him. Perhaps the worst thing is that she never thought these two details (the recency of the sex and the crying during sex) were red flags and bad experiences worth mentioning. She never hid them directly, I found out just by asking, but she never came forward because she didn't realize how much of a problem that is. A few weeks ago, her ex texted her and asked if she wanted to meet up (as they had vaguely agreed on before their breakup), and her response was hurtful. She told him she had a new boyfriend and didn't want to meet up right now. The "right now" made me feel even more like a rebound or replacement as if she were trying to line him up for a possible future meeting if we broke up. This was especially hurtful because she knew how hurt I was by the recency of the breakup. Because of this text incident, I felt even more used as a rebound and insecure in our relationship and commitment. Afterwards, she blocked all communication with him, but closure is something she should have given all three people involved upfront, and not after a long discussion with me. I suspect this was an attempt to self-sabotage in the relationship. She's withheld information about another ex which she didn't even really see as an ex because they had dated but never committed to each other and so weren't "official". That relationship lasted half a year and had the disturbing element of him encroaching on her sexually, groping, etc. They saw each other maybe a dozen times alone. Unfortunately, after the first time it happened she kept seeing him, and of course it happened another two times before she finally stopped seeing him. The fact that she had completely blanked on the worst of those encounters until she really thought about it is quite disturbing and scary, as there was physical violence involved. This was a few years ago now but she clearly hasn't processed or fully understood and felt what happened. It's on her to-discuss list with her therapist. 2-3 weeks ago I had a couple of panic attacks, for the first time in my life. I think those were shortly after the birthing room comment. I had never had these before in my life, and it was very scary. I can suspect what was going on for me emotionally but this post is already growing very long. I haven't had any since then and things have been better. Also, during these attacks my girlfriend answered a call to be with me in the middle of the night for her (timezone differences) to be there for me and asked me to call her whenever something like this happened again regardless of the time. Still, this is a worrying thing and shows how difficult it's been for me emotionally. I feel a lot of emotional turmoil in this relationship. Anxiety, fear of impending doom, and feeling overwhelmed are some of the "negative" (I know they're not really negative) emotions that come up a lot, both because of the closeness and triggers and because of the hurts. Especially since the birthing comment and then finding out more about her exes, it's been harder for me to enjoy our time together. I get triggered and think about these hurts pretty frequently and it really interferes with my enjoyment of the relationship. I also frequently feel disconnected and like I can't fully be there for or empathize with her. Some of these negatives are red flags from her past, and others are hurtful things she's done. Those that are red flags from her past that she did not share upfront were also hurtful. For instance, had I known that she had had sex so recently with her ex and that she cried during it, I would have never went with shared accommodation on our first trip together. In a sense I did not give informed consent to sex because I did not know all that I should have known. Can these hurts be recovered from (on my end)? Are they objectively that bad? The one I feel the worst about is the recency of her breakup with her ex and that she waited only a week before dating again after the end of a 1.5 year relationship, and the text she sent him. Should I (like my therapist said) try to focus more on how my girlfriend acts in our relationship rather than on her past? Is this going to get better over time? A lot of these hurts are very recent. A part of me feels like her efforts to change are "too little, too late", but is that true? I have a rule against dating people I'm not comfortable spending the rest of my life with as they are now. This rule is there to protect me from treating people as projects or from unrealistically hoping that they will change, because in my experience the vast majority of people have no desire to change and never do. However, my girlfriend is actually changing and growing and working on herself. She's taken on some serious commitments to therapy and self-work, there are clear improvements as the weeks go by in terms of reduced hurtful comments and improved empathy and curiosity, etc. Confounding Variables There is a bunch of stuff in my life both in my past and that's going on now that is complicating things, and I think it's important to do a brief overview: I have an ACE score of 6. I begun my path to self-knowledge just over 2 years ago but it's been rather iffy in some parts where I spent a lot of my time dissociating, especially after the breakup with my ex over 1.5 years ago. I have self-sabotaging parts of me (sorry for using the Internal Family Systems terminology) that are really uncomfortable with me being in a relationship. My original plan was: I'm 25 now. Wait till I'm 26 and have some more money saved up and can afford regular therapy. Do therapy for a couple of years. Hopefully find someone I want to be in a relationship with by the time I'm 30. I never expected things to turn out like this. Now I've accelerated my plans and I'm doing weekly therapy sessions (sometimes twice a week, sometimes I skip a week) and it's terrifying because of all my traumas. I've forsaken all of my coping mechanisms. I used to spend most of my free time watching movies and TV shows, playing video games, and watching porn. I no longer do any of these. I've lost interest completely. The only thing I've done is watch 2 movies and those were with my girlfriend because it was on our to-watch list. I've stopped talking to my parents around the beginning of January. I had been blocking their calls and mostly ignoring them for months before, until I got down to just emails. And then I've stopped replying to those and they haven't tried to contact me again in over a month. Stressful work. Finally, I thought I'd share a text exchange we just had about this forum post: Me: Do you mind me saying when we had sex? I mean when we first had sex? On the forum Me: I feel like it's important Her: No, baby. Tell all the truth that you think is relevant! Her: I’m really eager what people will say! Me: It's going to be a long post :/ Me: I hope someone bothers to read it Her: I’m sure the people who bother to read longer posts will have more valuable advice

Hey guys, if you are hungry for a good conversation and for connection come join us at The Oasis - a place where FDR listeners and anarchists from all corners of the world come together once a week to hang out together and exchange ideas. Here are a few highlights from one of our weekly meetings where we got together to chat about Trump. You can find the link for joining the group in the description of the video. I hope you'll enjoy listening to this as much as we enjoyed producing it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3EhfTpWAsw

Hey all, check out my latest blog post, in which I talk about how we tend to repeat unsatisfying patterns in our relationships and how to change those patterns.

Often, what we fervently believe to be true about people in general is the reality that we have trouble fully facing about people in our own lives. For more on this, check out my video here.

In my life, I almost always talk about subjects such as history, economics, philosophy, human behavior etc. I don't talk about much other than this and I struggle to see how average people are able to stretch out a lifetime of conversations about what was on TV, indulgence, etc. For whatever reason, I have found little problem when talking to men. There is usually something that I am able to get them going on that has some sort of depth. However, it is a different case with women and it does not seem I am alone in this; I have heard multiple people on FDR phone-ins say that they've always had trouble being able to talk to girl[friend]s about, for example, "anything that is on this show [FDR]". I work in a sub-field of history, genealogy, that I think people tend to have a fuddy-duddy/old timer image of. Most of the people who are involved in the industry are 40+ and maybe most are even 60+. I generally find when I mention it to women that their response is a very odd type of fear-avoidance that you may get when trying to talk about something like philosophy. But in the case of genealogy it is on steroids and from my observation it is not do with their perception of me, but something internal to them. They will typically get visibly uncomfortable and their ensuing words are as if they are vocally reeling backwards. I'd describe it as a similar response as you might expect if said something casually racist. I've had similar experiences when it comes to other topics. For example, I managed to get a few political sentiments out of an Texan women, but when I asked them if they knew Ron Paul they became visibly distressed and obviously wanted to change the topic ASAP. They still wanted to talk to me, just not about that. I do understand that there are some women who are interested in such topics and I have come across them and I know it is probably a 'turn on' for them. it just seems to be a smaller minority than men. As a generalisation, I find that women tend to find the things I (and I assume everyone here) want to talk about are: odd, to be avoided and as a result of being interested in them I am to be disregarded. If anyone else has experienced this apparent fear and discomfort when discussing intellectual topics. Why do you think that is? And why do you think women can disregard men who are interested in such things, when they are probably a fairly good hallmark of resources or potential to obtain resources.