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Holy crap.. I'm sitting here listening to some classical music and it feels like everything is in place now. It feels like i found the last piece of the puzzle that was making me so unproductive. This morning has been the most joyful and hopeful morning I've had in the last 3-4 months of darkness. Let me share with you my story and hopefully help someone in the community with similar problems. I'm also wanting to share this because I'm afraid I'm wrong and want some feedback. OK so i finished school in October, and was eager to work in the free market and make a living after being in a pretty bad internship. I started programming but found it really hard to work for more than 1-2 hours a day. At first I thought it was because I wasn't used to working solo, without obligations, and that with time I'd increase work hours. Didn't happen. Then I thought rage against my family would be a good motivator. It wasn't (don't get me wrong, the rage was totally justified). I thought about so many things that could be the origins of my problems and worked through them but nothing changed my behavior, and I became more and more sad and hopeless. I started to think nothing would work, but I kept on looking. I decided to hear http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/1076/procrastination-and-crushed-ambition-listener-convo-video-recommended Stef said something among the lines of: If we're not doing something that would benefit us we should look into the past and see if we were attacked for it. So I did, I started thinking about how my parent's would make me unmotivated. When I found something I enjoyed, they managed to crush it with countless reasons why it was hard and all the complications I could encounter (thinking about this reminds me of my own behavior, thinking about all the possible negative outcomes of everything). At the same time they would also complain that I was lazy. That was a big one in my childhood. I was just lazy. I would get good grades and when proudly talking about it with my parents they'd say "That's just your obligation". When I'd get bad grades, I was punished. They'd take the playstation or the internet "rights" from me. Even worse: Videogames were the only thing I could commit to. I loved them. I remember when I got my first playstation i played tony hawk the entire day - no complaining from my parents. I played it a lot during the next weeks and little to no complaining. So I grew up playing videogames as the only thing my parent's wouldn't bring up reasons against. They would never say "Oh but later levels may be too hard for you" or "This game is easy but the next one will be harder". It was the only thing I wasn't afraid of. So they threatened to take away from me the only thing I could find pleasure in. If you were a sadistic person in search of children to torment and abuse emotionally, this would be a fucking master plan. When those things were taken away from me i would go to my bedroom in rage and think about suicide. It was terrible.. After thinking about all this I then went to program and it was fun. Not perfect, but not nearly as hard as it has been. I'm still afraid I'll get attacked, but I'll continue to work on it, also reminding myself of the terrible childhood I had and that I'm doing the best I can considering what I went through. I'd love to hear your thoughts