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my father: -"children are these little devils inside. they just want to have it their way no matter what. you can't succumb to their every whim. children try to manipulate us adults into getting what they want" my mother: - "so, you think when you have a child it should be the absolute center of your universe? You should orbit around it like a moon? What about equality?" me: "i don't really know, but i feel their needs come before ours. We don’t need to have children. They don’t choose us. their happiness is more important than ours in the moment except when you feel you really need time for yourself" mother and father: -"you are being an idealist. do you think the world is perfect?" me: "i know the world is far from being perfect. i feel terrible at the moment. let's just stop this conversation right away" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What happened today: we have a little girl in our extended family, she is 5 I think. they say she is growing to be a little manipulator. today when the family came over to dinner and I saw her crying I felt really sad for her. I approached her and asked and asked and asked and finally she told she felt lonely and that nobody wanted to play with her. we spent most of the evening playing, talking and watching "Frozen" together with her older (14 yo) sister. i felt sad because her parents were not helping her. she was left to sob in isolation. that makes me feel terrible. i made a mistake of sharing this feeling with my parents after the party finished. it went south from there. -I feel really sad that she was so lonely and nobody seemed to care. -But her father did. He talked to her. -Yeah, but that didn't solve the problem. When I saw her she was crying. -She was just being manipulative as she usually is. You think he should always be with her, playing and what-not. I bet they spent some time together playing and then they went to the party. The child needs to learn that there is time for adults and has to learn to play with herself. I got angry. i told them that i'm angry and it might be because i feel they are putting the blame on the victim, and it hurts even more so because it's a child. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- playing with her I got the feeling that as much attention as I was giving her it was really hard to make her feel really happy. they were arguing with her sister quite a lot there were new things and problems coming along the way. i think overall she had a nice evening today but it was as she was not fully happy/satisfied. at one point she said she wanted to destroy things because she was angry. i asked her why. she said that it's because she wanted to destroy things. i said, here, you can have this piece of paper and we can destroy it if she likes. she said she wanted to destroy something meaningful to us. i told her she can really tell me what she wants. i might not be able to give this to her but i am going to listen attentively. she kind of shut down. i think she didn't really trust me and that's why she didn't tell me that. i got a suspicion that the truth might be already to painful for her to acknowledge it and she automatically stops. (the truth being that what she is really lacking is great unconditional love from her primary caregivers and they will never give that to her). but it don't really know. she doesn't trust me that's pretty clear. together with her 14 yo sister were tickling each other and playing on the floor, throwing pillows at each other. at one point the younger girl started to cry. she said the younger sister kicked her in the head and that's why she is crying. -no I didn't! you are just lying! -no, you hit me and you are lying! and then when she curled up in a ball with little tears in her eyes and looked very abandoned and sad. so I asked her: -so, you feel hurt because your sister kicked you while we were playing, it hurt and now she says she didn't and she is calling you a liar? and you would like her to acknowledge that - even though unintentionally - she caused you pain? - yes. -she's lying! she is not being sincere. she is not really crying right now, just look at her. --------------------------------------------------------------------- i don't know what my father wanted to say when he said i am an idealist (because he uses this stupid devoid of meaning language) but I know when I hear that my little cousin is manipulative I feel really hurt. Another thing is that I can't accept the notion that maybe some children really are manipulative and evil and they would just ruin us if we fulfilled their every need. Doesn't sit well with me. Even though, you know what, I actually started to feel that my little cousin is really hard to satisfy. As if she were a little black hole for attention. But that didn't make me angry at all, it made me a little sad because I want to see this little child happy. i also feel quite overwhelmed when I talk with my parents about this. i feel worse after every conversation. and they feel worse, it's not productive. i can't really fight them with logic and i don't want to anyway. i need not talk to them about how children are or are not. and politics (what taxes are or are not). and religion (if woo-woo science works or not). I know it's not healthy for me to be living with them. And I don't live with them anymore. I just came home for Christmas about two weeks ago, and we've been getting into these stupid squabbles about stupid shit since then. And from time to time I just snap and tell them how I feel about this or that thing. And I always regret it. It's just that sometimes I feel so isolated being with them, having to keep my mouth shut, when there is a world of thoughts running through my mind. I need to be real sometimes and that's when I get into these stupid fights. Eh. To sum up: I feel it would be better for the child if the parents really were there for them, because obviously for me this little person looks like they were in pain, for real. i don't like myself being so judgmental about the parents not doing their job properly. but i can't stand a child crying. Questions: 1. do you think you should always react when you see a child crying? is that healthy for them and for you? 2. have you ever come across a child that is manipulative (in a bad, evil, selfish way) ? I feel better just by writing all this down, but I would like to hear your answers to my questions anyway. Thank you people.