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*Warning: disturbing, reprehensible details shared here In a recent video, the antidote to cruelty, I found revealing parallels between myself and the first caller. Basically the caller killed animals when he was younger and in his mind he was justified. Stefan pointed out that when he was younger his father was cruel to him and in his mind he was also justified. I think towards the end of the call Stef says that no one is born wanting to kill small animals. When I was younger I was messing around with this sickly cat and when it scratched me I used that as an excuse in my mind to escalate until eventually I tied the cat in a plastic bag, took it to the pond behind my house, dropped a big stone on it, then threw it in the water where I left it to drown. Maybe 3-5 years before that I was beaten by my father because I didn't respond to him with "sir". He cornered me in my room and put his hand around my throat and pressed me into the wall and was demanding that I "respect" him. I guess I knew I wasnt in mortal danger because I didnt comply, with my mom screaming at him to stop he kept hitting me until she ran out of the room and came back with some heavy metal object that she used to smash him over the head with until he released me. Ever since the incident with the cat I've had a deep hatred and contempt for myself brewing inside. I've always known that anyone who is capable of doing what I did that day is a disgusting worthless piece of shit. It wasn't until the antidote to cruelty that I connected the dots, that my father wasn't really concerned about respect, thats just an excuse he invented to hurt me. And just like my 300+ lb father I found a weak helpless creature to impose my impossible rules on in order to inflict pain. My father was severely abused by his father, and my grandfather's father was a macho military man, so I think my family has been composed of sadists for quite a while. I feel extremely emotional about all of this and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from posting this here, maybe someone can confirm that my childhood indeed played a role in the cruelty I am responsible for.