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Showing results for tags 'child'.
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This problem's bugged me on and off so I wanna run past you guys before I'm 30 and panicking. I'm gay and I want to have children some day. Lots of them preferably, all raised peacefully. The problems I foresee are lack of female influence, conflict in who's child should be given birth to, and if we both have a child the problem of favoritism by genes (racism kinda). 1. Female influence. A stable nuclear family is crucial to the healthy development of children. Both fathers and mothers bring characteristics that acclimatize kids to the sexes and help balance each other out. Also women have boobs which helps with breastfeeding and IQ. (I think breastfeeding boosts IQ. Don't know if that's true.) 2. Who has the kid. Adoption is out of the question. Has to be my genes and has to start from square one. If I decided to have one kid with my partner, conflict may arise with who's sperm gets into the egg. This is a non-issue with a nuclear family. Which leads to... 3. Genetic favoritism. If both of us have surrogate children, favoritism by genetic origin could cause conflict. This I have second thoughts on, because virtue trumps bloodline, and children raised virtuously can't help but mirror that virtue. Has anyone else had thoughts about this situation? Any gay guys on here had this dilemma? I don't wanna raise a kid in a naturally dysfunctional environment and I wanna take care of this concern now. I feel like the answer is right in front of me but I can't see it through my caution. I feel like I'm operating on broken biology.
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I think I had a dream that might be very helpful to some people if it means what I think it means. I was lost in an airsoft arena (for anyone who doesn't know that's paintball but with plastic bbs) that was more of a plywood maze than a coherent arena. I had one of my real steel guns with me (I'd been shooting the day before) but it had no ammo. I wanted to find my way out, but I had no clue where I was. I decided to follow this kid, a 10 year old boy in full gear who navigated like a pro, and as I followed him I'd get lit up by players who either didn't see my hands up or just wanted to shoot at me because I was defenseless. Another thing, I only had shorts on, no protection so the bbs stung like hell. We were making our way very slowly, and I had taken a lot of shots and was getting irritated. Finally I started searching around on the ground for airsoft magazines that would fit my gun and still had some bbs in them. I found a small magazine with odd looking bbs. They had the shape of practice rounds for police training courses, like little pills cut in half. I loaded them and let the bolt chamber a round, but it discharged and accidentally shot the kid in front of me in the head. The sound was deafening and everyone around us stopped. The kid in front of me collapsed to the ground. I threw my gun and picked him up. I saw there was a hole in the back of his helmet. I'd somehow loaded live ammo. I checked his cheeks to see if any blood was trickling. There wasn't any flowing, but I knew he was dead. I started to cry. I could feel myself crying, but I could only hear ringing. And right in front of us was a huge hole in the wall, right around the corner, that lead to a park with a calm pond, sunny and beautiful. I think the dream represents my journey through FDR so far and how I've been backsliding into forms of verbal abuse online. The arena represents the world. The airsoft bbs/guns represent dysfunction and abuse. The child who leads me is my true self/inner child. The arena/world is a place of uncertainty and fear where dysfunctional people can pop out of nowhere and attack you at any time. Me having my gun means I have the capacity for abuse, but keeping it unloaded means I choose not to participate. Wearing only shorts means I'm very vulnerable, which makes sense considering striving for virtue requires vulnerability. My child self is the kid in all the gear picking players off and slowly advancing towards the exit. But when I pick up bbs that I can fire back at these people, they aren't just bbs. They turn into real bullets. That's why I had a real gun. I realized how deadly and corrosive this abuse can be, and that's why I kept it empty. I still have the capacity to abuse, but I choose not to. And that explains why everyone else had bb guns. The shots didn't hurt like bullets, they only stung like bbs because I'm becoming immune to abuse. Everyone has real guns and real bullets. The abuse is 100% deadly, but only if you shoot back. And that explains why I shot the kid. By loading what I thought was just bbs, in truth I was loading 100% deadly live ammo, because abuse is perceived to the true self as just that. Live fire. And when I loaded my gun, I was choosing to abuse. And the only person an abusive me hurts is my true self. That's why I accidentally shot him in the back of the head. The second I choose that path, my true self is dead. And freedom was just around the corner. Is anyone else struggling with resisting the urge to be snarky or "clever" in comment sections and discussions? I can resist it to the point of seeing it for what it really is and losing the urge but sometimes things slip through.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8IXhd2GbP8 Thank me later. Isn't it amazing how easily the media just plainly lies about a story to distract people? It seems the more absurd the lie, the more people believe it.
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A new article, where I answer a very common question: should I talk to my parents about my painful childhood experiences? Link: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2016/03/q-should-i-talk-to-my-parents-about-my.html -
On empathy for animals in contrast to empathy for children, and how to develop more empathy for others.
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Last weekend I took a break from writing my book to record a few new videos. Here's one of them on universalizing the principle of non-abuse.
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I made a new video. I really enjoyed creating this one and I'm proud of the result, as I find it to be both informative on the subject of childhood trauma and psychology and creatively fulfilling. It's an analysis of Scarecrow / Jonathan Crane, a character from the Batman universe. Here, we take a look at the character's origins and (d)evolution. We will see how he is a product of childhood trauma and the representation of the cycle of abuse. https://vimeo.com/selfarcheology/circleofabuse
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Movie Review: "Love and Mercy", a film biography of musical genius Brian Wilson. I just saw this beautiful film tonight and was so deeply moved by the story that I went back to see it again an hour later, to spend more time immersed in the life of Brian Wilson. I'm surprised it's not been reviewed here previously, as the movie so beautifuly and powerfully portrays insights well-discussed here on FDR, including: the long-term impact of child abuse on character development and personal happiness the lonlieness of genius the importance of strong Attachment to worthy individuals how child abuse can establish a pattern of exploitation the beauty of life and the creative impulse the beauty of loving Attachment Highly recommended! I also found the film to be Fun, a great set of vicarious experiences, and full of good music! Spoiler alert: To experience the Film "fresh", delay reading below until after you've seen the film. . . Spoiler altert! . . Early in the film, we learn that musical genius Brian Wilson had been brutally abused throughout his childhood. His unrepentantly abusive father continues to abuse him as an adult and continues to exploit his offspring financially as well through his control of the business side of their highly successful pop band, "The Beach Boys". When the abusive father is finally "fired", Brian next falls under the control of an unrepentantly abusive clinical psychologist. In the end, he is saved after he forms a strong Attachment with a Worthy woman.-
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In this video I present a short concept of what does it mean to work on yourself, heal, and grow.
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Part two in the series I'm doing on the fear of rejection.
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A short, minute-long video:
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The second interview with Daniel Mackler. Here, we talk about the topic of relationships: one's template for relationships, friendship, romantic relationship, sex, boundaries, parent-child relationship, and much more!
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I have a couple of book recommendations The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry Perry is a child psychiatrist who specializes in early childhood trauma. In the book, he discusses many of his former patients who had suffered through terrible abuse and/or neglect and children, and its lasting effects. He goes into great detail about the effects of abuse on brain development. He also tells of his attempts to heal the victims. I had read this book long before discovering Stefan's material, and because of it, I was already on board with everything that Stefan has to say about parenting. Perry had already convinced me that children are not resilient, like so many like to claim, and that most people's adulthood issues stem from early childhood trauma. He made me realize that parents, who seem like great parents to the outside viewer, can do irreparable harm to their children without anyone realizing it. When the child then grows up to suffer from depression, drug addiction or personality disorders, or winds up hurting other people, so many people either think it happened in a vacuum or that the parents didn't spank the child enough. Nurtureshock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman The authors discuss the many mistaken notions that we have about about parenting and how the science disagrees. For example, many people think it's a good thing to praise their child's intelligence in order to encourage them academically. In actuality, this tends to discourage further learning. The reason for this is that when a child is called smart, they don't want to take the risk that they will be thought of as otherwise. So they'll tend to do activities that are easier and they'll shy away from doing things that can't master immediately. Instead, the parent should praise the child's hard work, focus or concentration. The child has to learn that they can accomplish things with hard work. Anyway, I thought you all might like to look into these. If any of you have read them, I'd like to hear your opinions.
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I have problems with assertiveness. That includes when other people around me express assertiveness, and when I wish to be assertive. I spoke about this just now with another FDR-member. We had talked for a while, when he said that while he really enjoyed our conversation, he had to go and get some sleep. This evoked a feeling of sadness and guilt on my part. I felt as if I had done something wrong in the interaction, that I had been inconsiderate. We took some time to talk about my experience, and turns out, suprise suprise, he said it had nothing to do with our conversation. If he could, he would have loved for it to keep going. It's just he had to get some sleep. What I could gather from thinking about it and talking with my friend, is that before, other peoples needs have been negative to me. Especially with my mom. That she used to express, both implicitly and explicitly, that I was bothersome to her. That my existence was interfering with her needs. What is a dependant child supposed to do in such a situation? Why, the logical course of action, is to reject yourself, by becoming critical of yourself and learning to please your parent, and in the end, please others. A people-pleaser. This is one side of the ''assertive-coin'' relating to me. The other side of it, is to express needs of my own. I find it very difficult to express my needs. I will say yes to things, even though I want to say no. And if I have a need, I will most likely no bring it up, having a voice telling me ''You will bother that person if you do that! They'll get annoyed with you! You do not have any value to offer! Your needs are inferior to other people's needs''. And I bend to that critical voice, staying quiet when I have a need. It ties in with what I wrote above about my mother. Not only did I have to make sure I did not interfer with her needs, I also had to supress my own needs because they annoyed her. The guy I talked to has similar problems. So we decided that we are going to work on getting more assertive with our needs, and deal with our feelings arising around the assertiveness of eachother. Are there other people here who have experienced/experiences similar relationships with assertiveness? I'd love to hear other people's perspectives, as always
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Ok, I seriously need your thoughts on this one. In my country, Norway, the papers write about a situation in a small local football-club, for young children. Here is translated info from paper: ------- "A six year old boy is banned from football training and matches in their local sports team. The parents of the boy, have been told that he must wait six months before he gets to play football again. The basis for this ban to be that 6-year-old was difficult to deal with in training. The parents were told after they had sent a written complaint at the team's training for sports and requested a meeting. The coach should have acted threatening towards his son on a training and straightened index finger at him while he lay on the ground. The week after the meeting, the outcome was clear: The six-year-old boy was banned from sports for the New Year. - We were first told that our son was difficult exercise, after we notified of an inappropriate behavior from a coach. Challenging or not, there will be room for everyone. He is an active 6 year old, as most children. He can be silly and sometimes uneasy as any other 6-year-olds, but we have not received any notice of this. And we have followed the training and matches and have not noticed anything that he has been hard, says father. The leader in sports club would not comment on the case, but say they have spent a lot of time on this and do not have the expertise to take care of this child. This will affect his upbringing. Sports are an important arena for children in the community. To be excluded from the opportunity to participate in such community, may have consequences for the child when he starts school, the father said, adding that his son did not come back to the club" -------- My observation is that many people think that banning this very young child from the team, for 6 months, is perfectly OK. I am troubled by this. This is a very young child... They are actually OK with what I will call a punishment of this kid, because of his behaviour, and for being "unruly". I mean, we don't know any facts on what the kid have been doing on the soccer field and why the coach can't handle him...but come'on ... it is a 6-year old. He is "difficult to deal with", is the argument for banning him. This might be very traumatic for this kid. Maybe he have troubles back home that we dont know of, or "different" in other ways, and maybe this football game could be his arena for change - if he got the chance. But now, banned for 6 months. Please let me know your thoughts on this. There are so many people in Norway, including friends of mine, that think this punishment is OK. "There are always 2 sides of a story", they say. My claim is that the 6-year old do not represent any side. He is a child, and a very young one. Can someone guide me into understanding if I am wrong or, is this punishment ok? Another argument some people put out, is that it is better to ban this kid and not ruin the development of all the other kids. I can see that argument, but still not comfortable with this ban. -
Basically, I am living with my father, he is abusive, I am 16, and I feel it is time to leave and stand up. I lost my mom at age of 10, so she is not around. I feel like my only option is to try to sue my father for child support, which is not really what I want to do because its using the state, and so on. But in the past he would hit me, I pushed him once and he called the cops anyways. He also said I was a drug dealer and said he had some which he had taken away a few days ago. Anyways recently, yesterday, my dad hit me for the first time in a while and I am kind of fearful, anxious and not sure what to do. Can anyone please offer some advice? I put myself in foster care previously and it was basically prison (no going out past 9 or 10pm or theyll call the cops) and stuff to that effect. Long story short, according to laws, once I have turned 16 I cant even go into foster care anyways (the old case was closed). I dont see any or many options. But I feel I must leave. I also have no friends or family friends or family that I could stay at or really trust. Any advice would be deeply valued. Thanks Jake
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Self-Esteem. How Self-Esteem—or Lack Thereof—Develops
Darius posted a topic in Listener Projects
New video in the series on self-esteem: the development of self-esteem. What is important to the development—or misdevelopment—of one's self-esteem and to one's mental health in general. It's probably the most important video in the series so far. -
My newest article on the difficulties and consequences of being raised in a controlling environment: http://blog.selfarcheology.com/2014/04/the-burden-of-being-over-controlled-as.html
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In this video I analyze a commonly dysfunctional family. As an example I use two scenes from the movie "Shuffle." http://dai.ly/x1gqwzt
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A quick new video on how and why do people become narcissistic.
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I have been invited to a baby shower type event and I am hoping to bring much needed parenting resources to this particular woman. The situation: I met the soon-to-be mother about 18 months to 2 years ago through a friend she was dating at the time (not the father). She is a heroin addict that has abstained from use for the past 5 months. In the very beginning I provided her legal counsel/helped her navigate the court system, a decision I presently regret. I did this as a favor for my friend. She was facing possession and theft charges but was released from jail with 2 years probation after spending only 3 days there. Subsequent parole violations (5) have not resulted in any significant repercussions. This woman was raised in a highly dysfunctional family with an abusive mother and largely absent father. In addition to the heroin addiction there has been recurrent verbal and sexual abuse in her history. Aside from the probation/abstinence thing she has done little in the way of self-work, lives with her mother, and is employed as a coffee barista. She has had a string of failed romantic relationships, some with abusive/aggressive men. She finally decided that something was missing from her life... what you may ask? A BABY. So she went out and found "a nice guy" that would stick around to raise a child and proceeded to get pregnant. Now she is 3 months pregnant and planning on keeping the child. I feel largely responsible for making this a possibility for her by keeping her out of the court system. This does however put me in a unique position where the mother is open to hearing my advice and considers me an intelligent/wise authority. Although she is registered for particular gifts I would like to bring parenting resources that she will actually use instead. The parameters are that she is of moderate intelligence and is literate but has shown little capacity for self-knowledge. Resources directed toward parenting techniques I think would be most effective- i.e. do not hit your kids, do not scream at your kids, breast feed, be present in their lives, don't do heroin/other drugs, etc. Does anyone have particular suggestions?
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I was listening to this podcast, FDR2531, with the first call from Manny, about raising a multilanguage child. I grew up in Italy, raised bilingual (French/Italian). I met my English husband in France. We've been living in the UK since our first child was born, 17 years ago. I speak Italian with my two boys, French with my husband; my husband speaks English with our children. My boys are nicely trilingual (also for the written part); we stay in touch and go and visit my family regularly both in France and Italy. They also know the culture and appreciate the sense of humour behind each language, which is fun for us as a family. Although it's a bit isolating. We didn't plan it; it's just the way our family is. Manny, if you're there and you'd like to know more, feel free to ask. Best wishes!
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My response to AnarchoPAC's articles on Somalia and Child Sex Slaves can be found here.
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Didn't know where to post this, but If you have never met your dad and he doesn't know you exist. And you know who he is, how would you reach out to him? I'm just about to turn 21 and have been struggling with this for a while. I had been waiting to make myself financially stable before contacting him so I wouldn't feel like I was bringing a burden into someone's life. I now am, and was seeking guidance on how to go about this.
