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This is just sharing some recent reflections from some experiences over the past year or so... of course any feedback is welcome. I have been using Peaceful Parenting with my children from day one. I didn't know there was a name for it. They were both born at home so I was already in the 'alternative parenting/birthing' circles to pick up on some of this stuff. But my children are being raised with the standard of friendship that includes choose friends by virtue...not necessarily proximity. This has been EXTREMELY challenging as we anyway live in a very small remote village so..... you kind of make due with what you have. But I try to make every experience a learning lesson as naturally they will bond with their peers due to proximity. But we have friends elsewhere, chosen by standards of virtue and their parenting etc. I often hear parents or even daycare caregivers ( I used to work in the daycare) say to the kids who aren't abiding by the demands of the moment, "oh.....well you aren't my friend anymore if you don't....." or "well I'm not going to be your friend anymore if you don't...." I was floored. I didn't call it out explicity to the caregiver, rather offered a substitute that has proven effective to me when interacting with the children. So they repeated the desired behavior towards the child to achieve the desired result from the child but without the 'why'....if that makes sense. Like, they didn't have context as to why this approach is not only effective by WHY it's essential NOT to do the other approach which may prove 'successful' in the moment from time to time. Emotional manipulation. My kids are (almost 7 almost 9) and I noticed a few of the kids would use this on my kids if my kids didn't bend to every whim of their peer. My kids are raised to not budge to peer pressure simply because of these manipulation tactics but...they are 7 and 9 afterall and it will happen as the pressure is too much to bear for that age and I don't blame them for caving from time to time. Just try to arm them with more ammo so-to-speak. But the major problem is it is SOUL crushing to my kids to hear this from certain peers who they do consider to be their friends. They have come home completely devistated to hear this ridiculous sentence from their 'friend'. We have had many talks about this together. I confronted one of the peers and their parents directly. The parents could care less so since then, I confronted the daughter directly. I explained she is either a friend of my daughter or she isn't. It cannot be conditional on whether my daughter does what she (the girl) wants or not. The daugher listened and it turned more into a 'lecture' but that is how this girl is raised...only with hitting and yelling so I kept calm but assertive to give her a differnt example of how to settle disagreements. Since then, that particular issue of 'you aren't my friend unless you...' has been put to rest but the girl uses other manipulation tactics. It's a challenge since I try to simply show examples of this to my daughter without giving her the conclusion. She is still young...my son is starting to get it more easily now being almost 9 and we revisit this topic often. So I will continue with my daughter and hope she will naturally grow apart from this girl. I noticed that when my daughter plays with the children who use this manipulation (and others) she always comes home crying. I tell her it breaks my heart to see her cry after playing with friends and I am sure and can see her heart is broken. She always agrees but a few days later wants to play with them again. Sometimes I allow it and sometimes we recount the prior experience and choose a more positive alternative as there are 3 other friends that she consistantly has a 100% positive experience with. I sort of see it as a 'dance with the devil' for my daughter in her desire to occassionally want to interact with the manipulators. I never want to tell her NOT to be friends, as a demand, but I make my case as to why it's not the most productive and pleasant experience for her and of course when she returns home, for me and the family who see our loved on so hurt and heartbroken. Because she is the younger of our two kids.... it's taking her time to absorb this. Her view...as with my son at that age and many other kids that age is they want to be friends with EVERYONE. and it's so innocent and true! So I try not to enforce it and try to give alternatives and explainations whenever I feel uneasy. I have had discussions with some of the other parents about this and tell them what their children say f and how it affects my daughter so terribly. They don't take it as serious as they should so I just find ways to avoid them interacting whenever humanly possible. When children play at my house, I observe and stay in 'orbit' but let them play but always am aware when things escalate or provocation is attempted and I step in . The other mom just likes the convenience of how nice and fun my daugher is, of course, and feel like they can be hands and ears/eyes off when she is at their house but it's too much to bear for her. She holds it all ine until she returns home and explodes. I have confronted the mother several times before I simply convinced my daughter to stop going there. I asked the mother that if my daughter is playing and they want to invite a particular peer that gives her problems, to at least call me or send my daughter home. She agreed and complied a time or two and so I trusted her. But later I found out (when my daughter came back distraught) that the mother broke her promise and didn't even confront me. I confronted her and she sort of turned on me saying that it's the WORST thing to tell a child they cannot play with another child. For her friendship is the most important thing...bla bla bla. I told her, for me too and I don't tell my daughter NOT to play with anyone. We discuss the experiences she has and preferences. I explained to the mother that I don't want to control how she runs her house but I don't think it's much to ask to send my daughter home or call me when the other peer shows up and the children don't need to know a thing and it's not making a big scene. Anyway, not to get into every minor detail but this mother IS one who says to her kids in a pouty voice, "well i'm not your friend if you don't...." and I have confronted her and she blows it off like it's no big deal and even when her son says it to my daughter and it devistates her and I confront her she apologizes and says she will talk to him but I tell her.... but if you keep using this phrase on him.... talking to him not to say it won't change anything. She doesn't really respond to that and gets 'pressed lip' and short with me...to no surprise. But today I was at a store, alone and saw a mother with her daughter and grandaugter who couldn't have been more than 3 years old and the grandmother told the young tot... 'no you say? Well I can't be your friend anymore'. And I almost collapsed. My heart sank so deep and the look on the young girl's face was crushing. I thought...gee GRANDMA..... what if in 18 years a boy says that to her when she refuses sexual advances towards her..... would her compliance make you satisfied then? Like it's shocking how people don't extrapolate these repurcussions of things they say so casually but consistantly and ...AND ....they don't even notice the look on the child's face. Like it was a meaningly phrase and moment for the grandmother but the girl...barely 3 yrs DEFINITELY internalized that moment...you could tell on her face and I was a stranger 3rd party to the incident.