Search the Community

I thought I'd give my thoughts on this topic because it seems I have an issue that doesn't seem to be all that common (or at least not that obvious) around here. I've had a mixed experience with bullying in my life. Particularly in terms of mental bullying and psychological domination. In the house I grew up in. Insults were thrown about with total abandon and with accompanying rage. It seemed like the only way to carve out enough space for me to breathe was to issue a humiliation or shaming remark to someone that would act like a kind of mental cattleprod shock, that would temporarily dent the ego of the other and keep them away for a small amount of time. On a few occasions when the abuse and hostile atmosphere got too much I would lash out, I remember feeling satisfaction at striking my brother's skull with my fist. My violent fantasies in regard to my family are all to do with blows to the head. Looking back, obviously I loathed them for what went on in their heads the most. Physically nothing about them offended me (why would it?). Different brains in the same bodies would have been great. The fantasies I have had in the months of defooing all involve tying them up and issuing baseball bat blows to the head. Even now in conflict I feel the same way. In arguments if I feel attacked or cornered I slip into a terminator mode of detachment where all I see before me is a few pounds of offensive meat encased in a skull that if I cannot strike directly, I will use all my self-knowledge and knowledge of psychology to break it and turn it in on itself with shame, humiliation etc etc. I understand this will cause me no end of grief in my life if I cannot work through it. I think my prior counsellors have been intimidated by this 'inner bully' that I have and so when it came up their empathy dropped like a power line in a rainstorm, and the therapy continued in a kind of lifeless way until things petered out. In particular I feel women simply disengage when this part of me comes up, even if it is attacking those who are not present, because obviously they know it's ire could be turned on them too. I think (from what I gather), a lot of people in FDR are bully victims, and though they may be defooing and feeling lots of anger. This is the first time it has surfaced for them and so it is manageable. Whereas for me it feels as if my inner-bully surfaced rather early and has become a malignant and extreme part of my personality. I feel it stands in my way and isn't so nice to deal with for anyone. I was wondering if any of you have had similar experiences and what helped you handle it?