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Since I have been listening to Freedomain Radio I have been experiencing a great conflict between my desire for true, connected relationships and the relationships I currently have with my peers, as well as my parents. (maybe there should be a warning label somewhere, I don't know...) This conflict has only recently hit home, that it is 'one or the other' so to speak. So a couple of days ago it was a friends 20th birthday party. And whilst 'speaking' with the peer group that day, I found that all i could focus on was that anything that I truly cared about or wanted to say, could not be spoken to these people. Not because I would necessarily get attacked, but probably minimised. And it saddens me to say that all the people who I know and hang out with, have highly evolved methods of dissociating from uncomfortable topics, or really anything of substance. The theme of the night was MDMA. I told myself that I would not take any but I think that night I was confronted with the 'either-or'. I could choose the illusions of my current relationships, or myself, and I have become very alarmed (after giving my motivations some thought) that I chose the illusions and to take the drug. It has become horrifyingly clear, that I am living a double life within myself. I am living the life of illusions without the pleasure of illusion. I am making some progress in the realm of self-knowledge - having almost completed Nathaniel Brandons' sentence completion program for self-esteem - and am making progress towards my career goals but am stuck with the knowledge that I am failing in my pursuit of relationships composed of honesty. I am planning to move to London soon to enrol as a sound engineering student at a college in the area. When I do I intend to attend the freedomain radio meetup group there. Not to 'dump' on anyone, but at this point I think I need people who I can have a genuine interaction with. I feel like a siren of wisdom in an echo chamber right now. So I suppose my question is; 'given that I know I am am in dead end, unconnected relationships and that I know that I need to leave them soon, for myself, what now? And what might I expect?'. Any and all questions are welcome and I appreciate your time.